Ok I figured by using this as the subject line more people will read it.

Now we are trying to recover. Two and a half years since D Day. FWW just started being radically honest. Now I am starting to feel closer to her then ever before.

On to needs. Her most important needs are talking to me and cuddling and physical closeness. Talking I can do but the physical closeness I am having a problem with.

I have always been very, very attracted to my wife. Almost every time we try to cuddle or be physically close I get excited. It has always been this way. For instance yesterday she was not feeling well I rubbed her back with ben gay and whammy I am excited. If you have ever smelled ben gay you would know it is nearly impossible to get excited with that smell in the air. If she lays on my lap, cuddles me etc. I get excited. I can't even rub sun tan lotion on her at the pool I have to do it before we go outside.

I am not a sex addict I am just really attracted to my W. Now the problem is that it seems like I only want to cuddle to have sex but it is really that the cuddling makes me want it. I am being completely honest with her about my dilema but it still hurts her feelings. I have tried to accomodate the cuddling but truth be told I end up in pain. I don't want this to stand in our way but I don't know what to do.

What to do now.

I am pretty much like that too - aren't all guys? I mean about getting excited from physical contact.

I am not the best person to give advice on this, but can't you just keep your excitement to yourself when you know SF is not going to happen? i.e. don't ask for SF or make advances etc.

I love SF as much as anyone, but I like physical touch too even if I know it's not going to lead to SF - even if I get excited.

One quick suggestion. I advised my wife to give me a hug and a kiss when I first walked in the door home from work or wherever. My mind being so preoccupied with the days events and what I wanted to do when I got home that SF and arousal were not usually a problem at that time. Such hug would often lead to conversation, then more conversation and end up a precursor to SF later that evening, or not. But at that moment my mind is usually NOT on sex.

Interestingly, occasionally, my wife gets challenged by this knowledge....but that's not my fault <snicker>.

Mr. Wondering

For me, and I am being serious, same issue. If I want to "appear" to not be just interested in SF at bed time, and we are cuddling. I have to change my thoughts to Football, or Baseball, etc.. I puts my way to vivid imagination in check. If only for a few minutes.

I always give my wife a hug and a kiss when I walk through the door.

My wife always wants physical contact. Last night was absolute torture. I knew she did not feel well. She laid on my lap watching TV. Then we went to bed and she cuddled up next to me.

She wants and needs physical closeness all the time. I have changed my thoughts to football, baseball, knitting etc. It works for a while but there are nights I have played a nine inning baseball game, four quarters of basketball and a football game that went into double OT.

I don't want her to think that I don't want her to be close to me is the issue. I don't expect it every night but thats where the contact leads.

I really want to fulfill her need for physical contact because it is very important to her. I can tell you when I try to avoid it for that reason I know it hurts her feelings.

Oh, you guys are so cute! I feel like I'm in a "men's only" club spying!! Might I give you a female perspective on this subject?

First, it's not an EN for cuddling, it's an EN for Affection, but I get your drift. As much as most women like to cuddle, there are plenty of other means of affection that we like too. If cuddling is too much for you to do on a regular basis, especially when SF isn't a result, try doing other things for your wife that you know will also meet her need for affection. If you don't know what these other things are, ask her! And don't forget a woman's need for conversation!! Why, just last night it was obvious my H wanted SF, but I wasn't "in the mood". So, we grabbed a beer, went up to our bedroom, talked for quite some time about different things, had another beer, got a shoulder rub, and WA-LA!! SF!! (And no, I was NOT intoxicated!)

So, use your imaginations boys! Make enough love deposits throughout the day, every day, and she won't hesitate to meet your need for SF!

GOOD LUCK!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

KJ

Sigh. If only it were that straightforward!

But isn't that the problem? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

KJ

Ok let me tell you this then. My FWW calls me between 3 and 6 times a day to talk. We talk for about an hour everynight.

Her EN for affection is the physical contact. Believe me I have tried other things to show her affection. The minute I hold out my hand to just hold hands she scootches close to me. I know she is not in the mood and all I can think is danger Will Robinson Danger.

Now I understand what women want. I know she wants physical contact all the time without SF and when we do I want SF.

So from a womans stand point can you understand that? I will hold hands, talk to you, go to taco bell at 11pm if you want a meximelt, wash the dishes put the kids to bed etc without SF but when you cuddle with me I cannot help but to want SF. By the way not an exageration I actually do all those things. Wish Taco bell wasn't open that damn late.

Ok, I thought I would give a little more serious answer this time. I found I had two problems in my marriage. There were two people with views of sex at opposite ends of the spectrum. My wife was brought up in a home where she was taught sex was dirty and only for dogs mating. I on the other hand learned sex was great for coping with emotions.

BUT THAT IS SEX.......

Affection, phyiscal contact and all those nice warm and fuzzy feelings are there in the middle up for grabs and ok with everyone. My wife didn't see those as a problem and I didn't have a problem with them and actually enjoyed them. I'm a giver, so it's fun to me to give affection, the back rubs, the massages, etc.

But when you work hard at it and you had high expectations like I did, because I was on the sex addict end of the spectrum, and then on the other end my wife was happy with just the back rub...just happy with the back rub, well that gets to be tiring after a while.

So what happened with me is my sex addiction kicked in trying to look for an answer and I wanted to introduce porn, toys and anything else I could think of to make what I thought "affection" was, more exciting. Uh, that wasn't affection....and of course it just made things worst for me, because it just turned my wife completely off. And when that happened, my addiction went full gear! Hence the affair began.

That was one of my cycles of addiction........but let me say, it doesn't relieve me of the fact I should have gone and gotten help instead of acting out. I know that now. So for those who read this and see they are heading the same way, so get counseling now.

Thank you. I am not an addict. I want to make it clear that my wife is the one that excites me like this. As a matter of fact that is one of the reasons I married her. Our sex life is awesome I just want it more of course.

I have actually had numerous chances to have an affair. In the past I have travelled a lot. Never had one. Probably why my FWW affair hurt so much. I actually told her one time that if I woulda known we weren't going to be faithful I would have taken advantage of that. LOL

I really just want to address the issue of the physical contact with no SF. I want to make her happy with the cuddling and physical contact without SF.

Okay, so you get an erection when cuddling with your wife, whether SF is on your mind or not. You said that you have been completely honest with her but that it still hurts her feelings.

How, exactly, are her feelings hurt by this? It sounds like you're not pawing her during these times. I don't see why she should be hurt or offended; it's just the way your body works.

If it's that annoying for both of you, just excuse yourself for a few minutes and take care of the issue yourself.

Her feelings are hurt because I have a hard time cuddling because of the excitement thing. She feels like the only time I am willing to do that is when I want SF. I know it sounds stupid or crazy but it is what it is.

I told her she should be happy not insulted or hurt. It could be worse I could cuddle with her and not get that way.

BTW I am to embarrased to excuse myself.

yearsofhurt! You are exactly like me, especially the taco bell comment!

My wife is very sexy and very good in bed. So, somehow she expects me to rub lotion all over her naked body when she gets out of the shower and then try not to molest her...please! It's torture!

****EXPLICIT CONTENT WARNING****
Here are some options for those of us who can't seem to get enough (my wife calls me a walking hard on, even at 36, it's always up!):

#1: If you can't take it anymore, when you're laying in bed, say something like "I hope you don't mind if I ___________ (insert your phrase) myself, I'm really turned on and it's hard to relax." My wife will: 10% of the time just let me do it and then recuddle; 40% of the time take over herself and then recuddle; 50% of the time watch me, get turned on, start on herself, and then we have some awesome SF.

#2: This works pretty well for me: "You turn me on so much I really need some relief. Could you help me out?" It's like this guys- we'll spend an hour rubbing our wives with lotion or cuddling up and all we're asking for is 2-5 minutes of effort in return. Hey, my wife usually starts out with a quickie in mind for me but ends up all hot and bothered herself...

Of course, we are somewhat perverted and almost totally uninhibited. It's more fun that way.

Well thank you. I see you are in the same boat as me. LOL the lotion on the back happens to me all the time.

Cool I am not the only one in this boat and I am just going to let her know. I don't only cuddle for SF..... She is just so damn hot thats what happens.

The trick is to make her see that a good rub down for you is just as important to you as it is to her- one is just more sexual than the other.

Go get some!

Yearsofhurt,

Ya know what? I gotta tell you, and the other guys on this thread, something very shocking (coming from a female - gasp!)

If you are seriously doing all of these things to meet her EN of affection, and she is not puttin' out, you got more serious problems than I can help you with! IMHO, your wife is very selfish, and I can say that without even knowing her. You're meeting her En's of conversation AND affection. More than likely, these are in her top 5, right? The only suggestion I can think of, is try to meet her other EN's? Geeze, that sounds stupid now that I've typed it. Never mind.

I gotta go cuddle with my H. We won't be having sex because we had it last night, and soon afterward, I requested the next night off (that's tonite, and I said it in a most funny way!). I'm a news junky, he knows that, so tonite I get to watch the news! Uninterrupted by his groping me (although I don't mind a little of that during the news!). It's called negotiating, and POJA'ing. We (and everyone) need to do this ALL the time, not just once in a while! Not knowing what she wants and when she wants it, doesn't that suck?! Well, read Dr. Harley's stuff on negotiating and POJA's. You don't need to accept the situation you're in boys, in fact, ultimately, it will make your marriages worse if you do.

Good night and God bless,

KJ

This problem was a major disagreement in my marriage and after a wile she felt like I was using her and making selfish demands. Dr Harley’s suggestion is that the frequency be as high as the one that wants it the most frequently, usually the husband, because for men SF is often # 1 of their EN. That is what a man is. A need is a need, not a whim. “The typical wife doesn’t understand her husband’s deep need for sex any more than the typical husband understands his wife’s deep need for affection.” HNHN chapter 4

He needs to meet her ENs also.

DLK21

Just an idea...
When you are cuddling, rubbing lotion etc. Do you also TALK to your wife saying, "you are so gorgeous"... "I just love your___________" (insert appropriate body matter) "Your curves are so beautiful"... "Your skin is so soft and silky"...
Or do you go into heavy breathing caveman mode and let your hands do the talking?
The caveman stuff while v attractive sometimes can get a bit overwhelming if all you want is some stroking.
Although your wife obviously enjoys sex, if it is getting you het up and you really are too embarassed to go and relieve yourself, then make her feel soooo desirable (with words not just actions) and it might do the trick.
I'm a woman, my WH is the same, this works for me every time!
She can't be cross or irritated with you for giving her compliments, they are also a form of affection and will probably turn her on.
Good luck.
Kate xxx

Bay...

I give my wife more compliments than you can imagine, with almost zero "cave man" action.

Plus, I make sure to suprise her with something mildly romantic/thoughtful at least once per week (it's in my planner!). Heck, I'm going to do laundry right now!

Now, go kick you WH in the balls for writing letters to OW.