Hi, I'm a newbie to the site. It's been a very stressful month for me, and I've felt so alone. I live in a small rural community, where the gossip gets around town before you get home. I don't feel that I can talk to anybody about my marital problems - friends or family. I'm hoping that someone out there in this forum is able to offer me some advice, support, and/or words of encouragement. I've been reading Dr. Harley's articles and wish that I could bring him to my home for a week to help me resolve this problem!

My husband and I have been married for twenty years. We weren't blessed with children - just three wonderful German Shepherd Dogs. We've been best friends and confidants since the beginning. Except...

Over the past month I have discovered that he has been emailing and phoning another married woman on the sly. A friendship at first, that grew into more. I felt something was up when he returned from a motorbike trip that he took with two buddies and this OW (which I was against from the start, but her husband was fine with!). He kept talking about how much fun the trip was and how compatible everyone was. The green, ugly monster of jealousy rose in me, and he kept countering with, "We’re just friends." That night I snooped in his email (something that I've never done before) and found several recent messages about his big secret that he needed to share with her. When confronted, he confessed that he had told her that he was falling in love with her, but that nothing would come of it because he loved me and was committed to me. Part of me felt relieved, another part felt shocked, and the rest felt like killing both of them! Through many talks and emails over the next week, I found out that the feelings never progressed to a physical affair but that he had had thoughts about it. He had all the symptoms of an emotional affair.

Then the phone bill came...I did some digging, and after checking out the last four months of bills, I discovered that they have been spending hours on the phone each week since January - all on the sly. Again, under the guise of friendship. My husband said that he knew that the calls would hurt me, so he didn’t tell me. He repeated that his feelings for her were just a crush and that they were gone. He said he didn't understand them himself but that they were over, and I was making a bigger deal of it all than it really was. Our talks continued and we seemed to be making progress. At least we were talking.

Last week we entered into the negotiations stage. We identified the problem of inappropriate contact with an opposite-sex friend, and we tried to come up with solutions (rather *I* shared possible solutions with him). We started with me saying, “No contact, period,” and him saying, “I should be able to do whatever I want because we're just friends.” The solutions I proposed were fair, I thought: occasional emails and phone calls, limited length and frequency, no personal info, complete honesty - no secrets from me, no calls when he could be with me, and no private meetings, motorbike rides, or trips. I knew that if I demanded that all contact end that he would buck it and feel a stronger pull toward her.

My problem: Negotiations have stalled. We haven't made any final decisions, and because he hasn't agreed to anything at this point, he feels that he can continue emailing and calling this woman whenever he wants - even if he knows that it's breaking my heart. He says it's like "forbidden fruit," and that I should just let it go and it would probably go away on its own. Well, from experience, I've found that nothing is working. If I play devil's advocate and say, "Go ahead, call her," he does. If I act the jealous wife and say, "Don't call her," then he calls her anyway. Either way, he's getting his way - his wife and a close friendship with his woman friend. I feel cheated, betrayed, desperate, and stressed to the max!

I'm not sure what to do next. If I keep bringing up the subject and my jealousy monster, he bucks. If I ignore it all, then I feel like I'm giving him permission to continue this friendship. Right now our talks end up focusing on the same points over and over again. Do any of you have any ideas about how to get the negotiations to move forward where we can actually agree on something??? Am I wrong in insisting that this friendship cease? Am I demanding too much? Any other ideas of compromise??

Please help! Thanks in advance!
Debby

Have you printed out and handed the emails to OWH? He needs to know, small town or not. This isn't your shame. Plan A is called for...your WH is having an EA...biggest sign is that he won't give up contact...he is putting another person before his marriage.

Read up on Plan A...involves exposure, identifying and stopping your LBs...injecting respect into your marriage, owning your part (you didn't cause this), which is half the marriage, and know that your feelings are valid...

you have been cheated and betrayed...you are choosing desperate due to fear, and stress from the same place...choose differently. You are powerful in your choices...you can do this.

Ignoring this is betraying yourself...please don't do this.

You can't give permission to him...he is choosing to put OW ahead of his marriage...that's his choice. You are not the cause, control or cure for your H...he's a grown man. Stop thinking that way. Read "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud and Townsend...find your responsibility, what you own and where you have taken ownership from your WH...and give it back.

You can do this...you've arrived to a lot of self growth and found a great place to really get how humans connect...and disconnect.

No compromise on contact...contact continues the affair. Period. It steals from the marriage, cheats and it is adultery. He isn't falling in love with a person, but a fantasy. He is escaping his own pain...through a mental drug. This isn't about her...it is about him. His choices.

Affairs are entitlement, fueled by resentment and a lack of respect. Know how much of these you have in you, examine how your marriage works and doesn't work. Get into MC (marital counseling)...get the books, educate yourself...and know you are not alone.

No embarrassment for you, 'k? People need to know to make their own choices about no contact.

LA

Debby - My situation sounds very similar to yours. I don't know exactly what to tell you (I am no expert) except that in my situation, which was also an EA like yours, I insisted upon NC from the beginning. I didn't get it from the beginning, and I am not sure I have it now, but I have and am insisting on it.

You should too. Otherwise, it will turn into more. No doubt about it. Stick to your guns and be sure OWH knows exactly what is going on.

Wow! Thanks so much for the quick reply. My husband actually directed me to this site, because he has been reading it himself...back in January when he thought *I* was pushing him away and his emotional needs weren't getting met. I will claim a small part of that blame for the push in the direction of another woman's companionship. Since then, I feel that I have gone overboard trying to meet all of the needs that the OW seemed to fill. I have a lot to learn yet.

What does OWH and WH and LBs stand for?
Thanks!
Debby

Other womans husband, wayward husband, love-buster (angry outburst, disrespectful judgment).

Thanks for the help, believer!

Debby,

Don't tell your WH (wayward husband...someone having an affair) he's in an emotional affair (EA)..he knows. He's been here.

Why not print out the Emotional Needs Questionnaires...Love Busters...do them together...they are wonderful for the self growth...

There's a list of acronyms on the Infidelity: Just Found Out forum...top of the list. Sorry 'bout that. You sounded so informed, I forgot to spell out my acronyms.

You can't push your H anywhere...you can contribute to the state of the marriage. You can't make your H mad, happy or lonely...he can feel all those things, and you can feel all those things...and they are yours and his are his.

That's the injecting respect part. Do not try to be a fantasy, Debby...very frustrating and full of resentment. We allow others to meet our needs...doesn't mean they weren't being met at home...we allowed...we chose. Instead of communicating, discovering and educating...your WH chose an escape route...don't own any of that. It isn't yours.

And it's disrespectful to do that...like he didn't know, couldn't speak...had no choice. Respect him more than that, 'k? He knew, he chose and he chose not to do so.

LA

After I sent the message, I figured out the acronyms. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Thanks!

You make so much sense, LA. We have filled out the Emotional Needs surveys. His top are communication, admiration, and physical needs; mine are honesty and openness, security and trust, before communication. We have always been great communicators, and that's why I think this marriage is worth saving. It's just that this OW seems to fuel an addiction. Last night before I left for dog training classes, he joked about calling her and said that he didn't have anything to say to her anyway. I half-heartedly played along, hoping that it was all a joke. When I got home, he admitted that he did call her. Major love buster and he knows it!! He later said that he never should've called.

Time will tell. At least he's being honest and admitting his feelings at this point. He agrees they're bad choices.

I truly appreciate your time and support. If feels good to finally have others to talk to. I'll check back again tomorrow. Thanks!
Debby

Please know your reality, Debby. OW doesn't fuel the addiction...she IS the addiction. And your WH is an addict.

Your marriage can be recovered and rebuilt. You both have a lot of personal recovery to do...and only you are here, you are the one willing to change your beliefs, own your stuff...which ends up changing the dance you've been in with your WH. However, you have to have the goal to do it for you...not the marriage and not for WH.

All contact continues the affair. Seriously. What he did by calling her was to say that she was more important to him than his marriage. Each contact does this.

You need to expose and he needs to write a no contact letter...for life...which you read and approve...which states that he loves you, honors his marriage and does not love her...and will not contact in any way, ever again.

Either he forfeits her or the marriage. Marriage is for two people, not three.

Read all you can here...about "I" statements, listen and repeat, Plan A, respect and exposure. Plan A him until the affair ends and he's through withdrawal. Work on yourself, how O&H (open and honest) you are, where your security comes from (inside or out), whom you choose to trust and why or why not...

You can do this. You're not alone. Do the Love Busters ones...each LB negates about twenty love deposits...so they are really important, 'k?

((((Debby)))))

When he said, he called her...and you felt stabbed, say, "Ouch!" and grab your chest. "That really hurts. Betrayal feels like a stab!" Now that's O&H...

LA