HI I think I’m in ******.

My wife is been having an affair for a few month now.
First I thought it was EA found out it wasn’t
I snooped around and found out after she brought him into my house
I waited a week to cool down before facing her, with the proof
She denied it at first then she gave in.
I was very calm; she said I don’t believe you would spy on me
I told her I always trusted you before but when you started being secretive
I knew some was up and I had to find out especially when I knew you where
Bringing him home. I’m sorry for paving the way to you’re affair but not sorry
To uncover it.
She sleeps on the floor now, she was in the state of shock for a few days.
I asked her if she told her mom she said no and she don’t care if her mom knows.
So I called her dad and told him the story, he told her mom I asked him not to do anything about it and not to blame her for it, they faced her with the story and my
Guess is that she told her mom that the affair is not physical, and she feels like she is
In prison and I’m treating her like a child and she have no more privacy, next thing I know
She goes and gets another cell phone at her mothers address, well I found out about the cell phone, faced her with it and told her to cancel the account because I don’t want to pay for another cell phone, she refused so I backed of, and told her that I do not agree
With this but I respect her choice for privacy.
She is treating me like I’m the guilty party; I asked her why she said no body in the world
Will treat me the way you are after you found out, you’re too nice it doesn’t make any sense you’re up to something bad, I looked at her and with a tear in my eye said
“Wow this hurts more then the lies and the affair I don’t know what to tell you except that
Time will prove you wrong”

Am I being too nice?
This is who I am.

I started plan A knowing she is not going to give him up because she told me that she want to keep him as a friend, yes and I was born yesterday, the A is still going strong.

Last weekend was my birthday I know she wasn’t going to do anything so I made reservations to go see our favorite comedian, she did not object.
We did not talk about the A she was in a very good mood it’s like the old days.
Next day was mother’s day, I went and got her a gift from the kids, 2 cards and I wrote
A letter from the kids, and I bought her a gift from me and I made her a card
Thanking her for everything she does for the kids and how a wonderful mother she is.
She didn’t want to show me but she was choking and she had a little tear in her eye,
I pretended not to look, she said thank you, and we had a wonderful weekend. For a change.

Monday was another story she is back to her old not talking, not looking at me kind
A mean way, I told her to treat me like a stranger because she treats stranger
Better then me.
NO answer.

I don’t know if I’m doing this plan A the right way.
Should I tell her that I’m being nice because this is who I am?
Should I tell her that my hidden agenda is going back together?
How do I tell her that I still love her and want to work things out?
She doesn’t even listen to me she doesn’t look me in the eye anymore
Should I tell her how crushed I am and how much pain she is causing me?
Should I tell her that I know she is still sleeping with him and they just?
Did it today and yesterday?

Should I move out of the bed and let her sleep in it without me or hold my ground?

Any suggestion is appreciated

Thank you

Joseph.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be.

Is the other man married?

Do they work together?

No, don't move out of your bed.

Dear Joseph,

Welcome to MarriageBuilders...sorry you have to be here due to an affair...best place to be, though, in my opinion. Have you read the articles on this site, from Dr. Harley? About The Love Bank, Love Busters (LBs), Emotional Needs?

I ask because Plan A is a lot more than being nice...it is finding yourself, your LB's, your boundaries, finding out about her ENs, assessing your communication, how you process resentment...learning a lot and changing your beliefs with what you learn.

And exposing.

Have you exposed to OM's (other man's) family? Wife? Girlfriend? Is this a work affair? To her employer? Your friends? Your family?

"I don’t know if I’m doing this plan A the right way.
Should I tell her that I’m being nice because this is who I am?"

Please understand why you're being there for her and your marriage...you're doing it for you and your children. You want a whole family, don't you? So you're not being nice...you're being true...you are being true to who you are, and the best husband and father you've discovered you can be.

"Should I tell her that my hidden agenda is going back together?" Why hidden? State that you've learned a lot about marriage you didn't know before...you're excited and want your marriage to thrive, which it can, once she ends her A (affair) and you both begin recovery...beginning with a no contact letter, counseling and communication exercises.

"How do I tell her that I still love her and want to work things out?" You speak directly to her in "I" statements..."I feel" and "I believe" statements that own this as your desire, your goal, your choice to love and cherish her.

"She doesn’t even listen to me she doesn’t look me in the eye anymore" Read up on the Love Busters...Disrespectful Judgments (DJs) can kill a marriage...not like an A can, but can certainly set the stage of a rocky marriage. There's a difference in fact and opinon...you believe she isn't listening to you...did she pre-A? Did she listen and repeat? How long has she not been looking you in the eye? Don't mind-read or assume...hurts yourself (and you don't need to add to the hurt already) and hurts your marriage.

Ask yourself..do you not believe you're heard because she isn't stopping her affair, or because she doesn't answer you, or not looking you in the eye? What other expectation of YOUR expectations is she not meeting when you talk?

"Should I tell her how crushed I am and how much pain she is causing me?" Absolutely...use "I" statements...own it as your pain...what you're dealing with...feeling betrayed, erased, negated, attacked...whatever you are feeling...own it.

"Should I tell her that I know she is still sleeping with him and they just did it today and yesterday?" Do not tell a wayward spouse (WS) what they know they are already doing...you can say, "I know you are physically and emotional betraying me...I know you slept with him yesterday and today. I am bottomed out by this...I hurt like I've swallowed glass and it's shredding my chest."

Your words, of course. We know that pain. That annihilation. You must own what you say as your truth...hers is different from yours...inject respect and own your feelings, thoughts and beliefs...

"Should I move out of the bed and let her sleep in it without me or hold my ground?" You are not betraying your children and your wife...stay where you are. Emphasize her choice...that in order to sleep together, even in the same bed, she must end her affair and you both get tested for STDs and get the results. Just a natural, adult consequence of violating the trust of marriage.

"Any suggestion is appreciated" Hope these help. Stay present, put a hopper on your head for her words to go into...they are hers, they aren't the truth...just her truth...and do not let them go directly into your brain, your heart...hold them on top of your head until you can say,

"I know we are separate and equal. What she thinks, feels and believes is hers...not mine...not THE truth, just her truth. I need to listen and repeat back to her, hand her back her choices, and not take that her opinon is fact...it's hers and I am to respect it."

Think about her ENs and meet them where you might not have before--this in no way means you're responsible for her choices...she is...yet you'll discover, most likely, what were some of the things you kinda blew off because they weren't your love language...weren't how you felt love...that may very well be her love language...conversation, communication, affection, acts of service...lots of ENs hit those...find them..be aware of hers and your own.

You can do this.

You're not alone.

LA

Joseph, if you have a problem paying for a cell phone that she is using to call the OM, it is not a bad thing to not pay for the phone. Plan A does not mean give up YOUR boundaries. Don't be harsh or disrespectful about it. But if you REALLY have a problem, stop paying for it. There is nothing cruel or controlling about it. (Would be different if she needed medicine you felt was unecessary, or something like that.)


Why would you hide the fact that you want to get back together? That should not be hidden. Hopefully, you are doing your Plan A because:
- You care about the covenant and are big enough to suffer and FORGIVE her transgression for the greater goal of a strong marriage
- You actually want her back
- You may realize that you also contributed to marital problems and you wish to demonstrate that you are comitted to change.


You say "I still love you and want to work things out..."

Plan A is the ACTION COMMITMENT to those words.


Yes. You can tell her that. But don't bombard her with that. Do not expect her to believe that for some time. She is in a very selfish place. Your feelings, sadly, are just white noise to her now. You are in the position to resuce the marriage and it will require much work. It is not fair. It is not right. But it is reality. And reality is what we have to deal with. "Fair" and "right" are no more than blessings and hopes.


Again, nothing wrong with honesty. Just don't pester or be disrespectful. That will drive her away. You want to be welcoming, but protect your boundaries. Meaning, don't let her be abusive.

Take this time to begin assessing what will and will not fly with you. Do it when you are calm and can think rationally.


Absolutely hold your ground. She has walked out on the marriage. The only thing you should adjust is your bad behaviors toward her. There is a lot of material in the Q&A section of this site, so I am not going to reiterate them here.

This will:
1) Demonstrate to her that you want this to work.
2) Give you the best chance (IMO) for it to work.
3) Enable you to look in the mirror and be happy with who you see regardless of the outcome.

Now. See the boundary thing above. The specific question is moving out of the bed. Stay there if YOU are OK with it. Don't move out to enable her. Here is where you begin with the boundaries, and what you need to think about....

... unprotected sex, or sex at all with her now. She is having sex with somebody else. Is it condomns for you and her now until she is monogamous and tested for STDs?

... has OM been in YOUR bed? Would be an issue for some. Is a condition of reconciliation a new bed, or you're not sleeping in it until then?

It is OK to be firm. It is OK to have limits. Define them clearly, and stick to the definitions. It should be a SIGNIFICANT personal choice for you to change them. (It was NOT for her, and voila, an affair).

Work on YOU. Be the best husband you can be. If you don't, and it doesn't work out, you will be wondering if you could have done more for the rest of your life.

You cannot control her, and you cannot make her love you. Work on what you can affect. Prepare for the pain. That is Plan A. Plan B is the exit strategy if it becomes too much to bear. But again, its root is also being the best YOU that you can be.

NCWalker

yes he is married with 2 kids

i have 2 kids too 6 and 7

he works for the school my kids go to and my wife

volunteers their

Wow guys I don't feel alone anymore

thank you for your support i'm blessed to have found this website, thank you for your support and concern
I will let you know the progress.
you are awsome.

by the way she keeps teliing me that the OP is an awsome
guy I told herno he is not awsome people don't destroy marriages, he is a loser and a lowlife.
was that a mistake to put him down?

Joe

Joseph,

A word about exposing (it is a touchy subject here).

Exposing is a very effective tool, and so is a nuclear bomb. And you must think before you push that button.

The depth of your WS affair is something you need to evaluate. Liken it to drug use. Is she "addicted" to this guy, or is "recreational" use? What I mean is, a true addict needs SERIOUS help and intervention to shake it. A recreational user will often quit with the right wake-up call.

If you expose, there is a strong chane the affair will die. But she may also leave you for him. Even just to spite you. (You must understand her thinking is not rational right now). Certainly, it will affect her reputation at work, stuff like that and will not engender any good feelings for you.

If she is truly addicted, then you SHOULD take this step. (Exposing)

Talk to her first. Something like...

Honey, I love you, and want to be with you. But when we got married, I took that to mean it was to each other and only each other, and I think you meant that too. Now we may have some problems to sort out, and this affair has made me realize this. I am willing to work on my stuff too and I want US to work. But you need to understand that I feel it wrong to continue relations with XXXX while we do this. We may not make it, but we should try and give US a chance first. Having said that, I can't abide by your secret affair because I think it's wrong. And if it continues, I am going to have to expose it. If it really isn't wrong, and you and he are good and right and meant to be, well, it should not be a problem. If you have a problem with everyone knowing, then deep down you know it's wrong too. So let's give US a chance before and either make it or end it without anyone else involved.

Think about "ambushing" her with exposure for a moment... She ambushed you with an affair. That wasn't right, was it? You might be screaming inside that "she deserves what she gets" and she may, but YOU have to live with how YOU conduct yourself.

By all means, if she continues, expose. But long term, it will be better for you if you try to "talk her down" first.

Watch her like a hawk - intently, and unobtrusively.

And remember that when you take the high road, your are an easy target. Not an easy path. But YOU have to live with YOU the rest of your life.

NCWalker

I am going to have to disagree with ncwalker here. The affair should be exposed, but the WW should should never be forewarned and this should not be delayed for any reason.


You sbould never ever threaten to expose, that is black mail that will blow up in your face. You should just do it. There is no moral equivalence between having an affair and exposing an affair. Threatening to expose only gives the affairees an opportunity to PRE-EMPT your exposure by getting to the target FIRST and spinning the story. The story is always SPUN with the BS starring as the "insanely jealous fool who is imagining things." So by the time you DO get to the exposure target, they don't believe you because your credibility has been ruined.

Threatening to expose not only will blow up your face, but you will LOSE the best weapon you possess against the affair.

Forewarned is forearmed, after all. So don't WARN her, just do the exposure. It is very unlikely that your W will leave you for the OM when you expose the affair. This almost never happnens. Rather, it delivers a ruinous blow to the affair that either kills it then or hastens it death.

Affairs thrive on secrecy and when they are exposed, it ruins the fantasy that underlies the affair. It forces the affairees to see how sleazy they look through the eyes of others, which is a huge wake up call to the affairees. Who wants to smoke crack when there are others in the room watching? No one does.

So, expose the affair PRONTO as to do otherwise is to ENABLE her affair.

You have this man's life in your hands, my friend. You also have a great exposure opportunity at his school. No school wants to find out their employees are having illicit affairs with the parents of their students. I would add the principal to your exposure list.

213601, this is what a good Plan A should look like:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Joseph,

Mel makes a good point. It is akin to blackmail.

And she is right, it is a good weapon against the affair.

Forewarning her will also give her a chance to prepare, such as spread lies to her coworkers, etc.

There are pros and cons to both methods. Sort them out, make the choice you can live with. But the sooner the better, in either case.

NCW

Joe, you have EXCELLENT opportunities here to save your marriage, so don't despair. I would start by exposing to the OM's wife right away. And DO NOT forewarn your wife. She will only tell the OM who will tell his wife you are a nutjob.

After you do that, I would stride right over to the principal's office and inform him of the affair.

You will then have another problem on your hands, even if this does end the affair. And that is that your W can never ever see the OM again if you want your marriage to recover. That means that if he doesn't leave the school, your family WILL have to leave. Keep this in mind through your ordeal. The goal must be to absolutely effect NO CONTACT.

How to make the pain stop during plan A?

I get up in the morning she is geting ready,
I tel her Hi baby almost no response not even a look
Maybe I'm crazy but it hurts being ignored espacialy
when I'm bending over backward to be nice and understanding
should I tell her how much this hurts?
or just bite on the wound and keep acting happy?

JOE

You are SUPPOSED to feel pain, but you will feel much better if you start taking some action against the affair. Following a strategic plan to bust up her affair and save your marriage will make you feel much more in control of your life.

Please follow our suggestions and start fighting against this affair, 213. If you don't start fighting, you are going to get killed on the field of battle. You hold ALL THE WEAPONS in this battle against the affair, too, so it would be a shame to forfeit your marriage for absolutely no reason.

Unfortunately, the pain duirng Plan A is something you will have to deal with on your own. You shouldn't expect your WW to help you deal with your pain since she is involved in an active A and will only care about herself and OM at this point. Some have gone an AD's to help them throught he worst times, however only time will really help. Posting and venting here helped me immensely.

Your WW is treating you much like my WW did and still does to some extent. They are attempting to justify their actions and one of the ways to do this is by pointing out all your faults and shortcomings.

It is ok to be nice, but you have to set boundaries for yourself.

This will take much time and paitence before it gets any better for you or your M.

Listen to Mel regarding exposure. She will not steer you wrong. It will be one of the hardest things you do and it is the most effective way to kill the A.

Your WW is not your W right now so don't try and reason with her. That includes bargaining. If you threaten exposure she will try to bargain her way out of it or pre-empt you by telling everyone you are a crazy husband.

Being ignored and treated poorly from the WS is common for BS. There is nothing wrong with telling the WS how much their actions have hurt you and the family. This is also part of Plan A. Don't expect her to have any symapthy or feel remose at this time. That may come when she goes into NC with OM and goes through withdrawal.

Make sure you eat, excersice and try to get some sleep. It's hard I know.

Joseph,

"Maybe I'm crazy but it hurts being ignored espacialy
when I'm bending over backward to be nice and understanding
should I tell her how much this hurts?
or just bite on the wound and keep acting happy?"

Are you saying you're trying to be something for her, for Plan A...or are you saying you truly are understanding and committed to a goal? Like HTW said, release yourself from your own expectations...that she will reciprocate, give back...if you believe you are bending over backward, then you are consciously choosing to create resentment in yourself...which goes contrary to your hero's journey, doesn't it?

You're choosing to do this...know that power, your choice, and do not give to get...that wasn't working before the A, and for good reason...we don't earn love, we choose to love.

You're choosing to love, to save your family and build a thriving marriage, full partnership. Plan A can launch you on that road when you know you're changing for you...not her.

Expose today...OM's wife needs to know as much as you needed to know. Please do this...not as revenge, but in sharing truth...so she has her own choices.

You can spend some thought time on separating out what causes the wound...there's her part...and then there's stuff within your control. You're half of a human marriage...find out if all your expectations are reasonable, understandable...own what you can so you can not be at the mercy of your pain...are you normally expressive? Open and honest? Do you share yourself--your thoughts, feelings and beliefs--easily with her?

If you do, then know these are you holding to your own code of O&H...not doing it to get a response...which you cannot control...nor have you ever had that control.

Keep posting and please expose, to lessen your pain from self-betrayal...which is part of the real betrayal, when you know truth is needed, not helping them cover their affair.

LA

I have to say that this place has given me a refuge from the storm, so keep posting. MELODY gives some great advice. I don't know much about anybody here, as I am fairly new, but I have taken control of myself and the situation, and have used much of the advice here.

213,
Do for yourself, first, then give what you can. Follow the golden rule as best you can. It's very hard to give to those who lash out us, but do what you can to make 'HOME' a comfort, not a prison. If you don't agree, then state that, without malice. EXPOSE, EXPOSE. At the time that I did this, I did not MB advice, but I did it. It was excruciating, and I knew that he did not want to be with me. It was the only way to be true to our M. He left, then he came back; we are just beginning to start to work on us. Stand firm, and watch and wait. Do not 'help' her have the A, by making demands of her heart, as it is fairly black and foggy right now. Take care of you and your children first. They need you more now than ever. Things will change, give it time and stand your ground.

213...

bumped the plan a get grounded post...

ARK

thank you guys for your support.

exposure is happening without my help
yesterday the pastor from the shool called me inquiring about my knowlege about some suspicious activity between WW
and OM, seems that someone from school or a parent had some concerns and he passed them along to the pastor, I told him that I promised my wife not to
say anything, he got the message and he said that even if I told him he would still have to investigate, so he will investigate.
this is good because I would not be the one exposing it but
the pastor.Less LB's from me.
Oh yes and OM works for the church that's why the pastor is involved.

JOE

don't make promises that immoral....

don't make promises you shouldn't make....

the wife of the OM for her safety and childrens safety has the RIGHT to KNOW...

lack of knowldege is without out doubt the insidiously DANGEROUS reality of affairs...

the OM's wife and children are in danger as long as they are kept in the dark...

don't promise your wife such things...
and don't hesitate to renig on such promises....

e v e r..

it's no different that promising a teenager that gets caught drinking with a friend...that you promise NOT to tell the friends parents...
it is wrong

ark