i recently went through something here that kind of bothers me. i started posting to someone....they were a ws....they seemed to want way to much praise and kudos for me....i stated that i do not do kudo's and praise that easily cause he was a male poster, i am a female, and my kudo's and praise are saved for my hubby. i would offer advice, minus the kudos.....and people thought i was being a harda$$. well it is a boundry of mine when i post to male posters....take it or leave it. i may come across as cold because of it but it protects me and keeps me true to my boundries....

I'm not sure what to say, but Neak told me about this just a few minutes ago and suggested that I respond. (The daughter made me do it!) Does explaining, at this late date, accomplish anything when explaining the first time didn't seem to come across the way it was intended? Beats me. I was telling an ugly story that happened a long time ago, but whose effects are still being experienced today, and not only by me personally. Most of it wasn't funny, but where I could laugh, even/especially at myself, I was OK with that, and didn't (and still don't) consider myself to be "hurting" me in the least.

The genuine pain and guilt I feel about what I have done in the past, and what I have caused to happen to others, is NOT something that I comfortably discuss with anyone, much less laugh about. Everything else is up for grabs. In my head I am able to differentiate between the two categories. All the joking and (apparently unfortunate) attempts at humor you perceived as "grotesque" were in the up-for-grabs section. There is no laughing or joking in the other section--although there is a lot of private self-deprecation.

More disturbing to me, by far, than any label you attempted to give my sense of humor, was your disappearance from the thread you started to "meet" me--no explanation, no sign-off, nothing--just poof! and you were gone. I had no discomfort whatsoever with what I was saying about myself (If you'll remember I told you at the time that I thought you were making something out of nothing. I said this was your problem, not mine--you even agreed, to my surprise). I was amazingly disconcerted when you left. Even the explanation given above, while I don't really agree with its analysis, would've gone a long way towards explaining at the time what your rationale was for withdrawing...and would've allowed me to waste a lot less mental energy wondering what ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> embarrassing disclaimer alert <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />) it was I'd done wrong.

So there. You've just been accused of saying too little. It may never have happened before. It may never happen again. Cherish it for the unique event that it is. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l, AKA CurrentlyOtherSusan the FormerlyStupid (sorry the Saga is still sad--couldn't do anything about that!)

P.S. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />Well, I just read this to Neak, and she said, "I think you've managed to pluck a lot of the leaves off of your olive branch by the end there." Severe critic, that Neak. See what happens when I try other-deprecating humor? It's no wonder I don't do it more often. Stop by and say hello sometime when you've got a minute. I enjoyed "talking" to you back in the olden days. You're outspoken. I make fun of myself. Sounds like a match made in heaven to me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

^ for Pep, just this one time, because I want you to know there are no hard feelings, and never were.

t&l

okey-dokey-smokey

I withdrew for MY-OWN-SAKE (looks like sake < Japanese drink)

thanks for bumping this back up

I had not read this post until just now

I was trying to CONTROL you sista' ...and that is just not healthy for me

from this day forward ... this issue is DEAD and buried and we held a brief and heartwarming memorial service

may it rest in peace

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

PS T&L

I am still not immune to your beating yourself up ... sometimes I can 'see the joke' but mostly I still 'hear the pain'

so if I do not join you often, at least now you know why

at times you remind me of my RL sister ... and we both know what that means ... I regress in age emotionally at family gatherings, just like everyone else

as a matter of fact, I am just now sitting here with a new light*bulb glowing over my head like a cartoon character ... I think I whacked you with the 2X4 instead of whacking my RL sister

[color:"red"] holy insight [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

just know this ... you took it like a man!!!

RL sister would have snarked me six thousand ways for the rest of my life

Bwhaaaaaaaaaaaa

And, as my dear and frustrated spouse could tell you, a total waste of time, too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
And goodness knows, he's tried. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

t&l

*Deep, masculine voice* Thank you. Thank you very much. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

t&l

P.S. I'm immersed, innundated, swamped, overwhelmed, deluged with pain. If you're only getting hints, I'm going to have to shake my facade's hand and give it 2 thumbs up! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

How can I hope to forget it when it has its own special day every single year? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> It was a lovely service, though, The daisies were an especially nice touch! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

t&l

P.S. Good luck with your sister. She must have a lot more energy than I have, if she's still able to rumble. No self-deprecation...just the simple acknowledgement that a lifetime of snarkiness, jousting, and sparring on my part have left me too pooped to go to battle with anyone except in the most extreme circumstances. I think I have life fatigue. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> I'm finished now.

I think.

I love my sister

she has Graves Disease

she has had a difficult time getting that thyroid replacement therapy 'just right'

it is for awhile, then it is not

and when it is not 'just right' she is one of the nastiest people I know

her inner censor is just completely turned off when her thyroid is wack-ee

and the pisser is

she doesnt remember most of the junk that she said during that time

but I do

and I have not been the only one receiving the thyroidbullets

her 2 kids (both adults) have off & on chosen out of , or on the margins of , her life ... because of her tendency to shoot first take no prisoners & then not know why she is not getting hugs and kisses

but

having said that

she lives 5 minutes from our widowed ailing Dad ... and I need her on my team

oh ... and when her gland is stabilized, she's generous and kind

but, sadly, her disease has effected her eyes very badly

Pep

I've been waiting for days to write when I thought you'd be around to see this while it was still on the first page. I've got a friend whose response to every problem someone mentions is to tell how hers is worse. If I've got a headache, hers is so bad she thinks she's got a brain tumor or an aneurysm. If (if???????????) I'm tired, she's so exhausted she's about ready to keel over. If my joints ache, well, she's got arthritis pain so bad she thinks she'd rather be dead. If I'm worried about bills, she's always one small step ahead of repossession. If I'm worried about my wandering son, well, her wandering son has wandered farther and deeper, and besides, she loves him SO much. Etc., etc., etc. We have been friends for a long time, but in self-defense I have had to pull away from her somewhat just to preserve my own sanity.

So, since this sort of thing irritates me so much, I definitely don't want to appear to be doing this to you about your sister. HOWEVER, having said that, I want to tell you that what you said struck a very resonating chord with me. Although our situations are certainly not identical, I understand how it feels to be the one who remembers what someone has said after they have forgotten it ever came out of their lips. The father I grew up with is not the father I have now. It is so hard for me to reconcile the man I knew then with the man I sometimes feel I no longer know now. He looks the same. Sounds the same. But at 91, he has deteriorated to the point that he frequently says and does angry, critical things that would've been foreign to him before age and mental decline took over. When he's done, he goes back to his study, sits down to relax, and forgets what just came out of his mouth. When he re-emerges, he's happy as all get-out. But how do I forget? And what do you when forgetting is hard? Intellectually, I can understand the whole process. Medically, I know what is happening. But emotionally? Oh, my.......

Fortunately for me, unfortunately for Neak, he lives with her, so she's actually the one who gets most of his recurring discontent first-hand. I often sneak into and out of the house without ever telling him I'm there, just to avoid any unpleasantness. Then I feel guilty, because he's my dad, and I'm the only biological child he's got...but I don't LIKE to see this, and the melody lingers on long after the dance is over.

I didn't just invent my facade for MB. It's my constant companion, and will always be, in spite of certain previous attempts to blow it to smithereens! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I'm generally very upbeat at work, even if I might have cried most of the way in, although I'm quieter then than at other times. Last week I was thinking about this very thing, and sat at the front desk, surrounded by my co-workers, right next to the phone, and started to cry in public! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /><img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Being the involuntary "rememberer" is hard. You have my sincere best wishes for a successful conclusion to what will doubtless continue to be a somewhat bumpy ride.

Susan

T&L

when my Mom was in hospice I stopped working to be with her the final weeks of her life

mostly it was a wonderful experience

but

about a week before she died

she told me something that just set me back on my heels and infuriated me

it was not about me, but another family member

and I wanted get my things and leave
but
of course I did not

she was NOT out of her mind
she was completely lucid
and it was very mean

I suppose she was simply doing some emotional housekeeping before she died

here's what I did

I called the hospice social worker and vented to her (after doing the required crying jag first)
she suggested I think of the thing my Mom said like a wind that blew past me but did not rock me off my feet

I did not wish to carry my Mom's emotional baggage for her ... but, I suppose I was a safe place for Mom to vent ... so there you are.... the safe person gets to hear the garbage !

I refused to talk about this with any family member but my husband, because I wanted my Mom's passing to be as stress free as possible ... and discussing this with any family member (my husband excluded) would just stir up [censored]

the imagery things always work well for me

it worked so well, in fact, that I have not thought much about it this past year

hang in there ...

Pep

PS

I think this is progress

Oops! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

t&l

Personally, I like my progress to feel just a bit more, well, progressive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Oh, well, at least one of us is happy with it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

t&l, who is headed back to the salt mines

Short of monitoring and approving each of the hundreds of posts made on these forums each day, there really is nothing that can be done to prevent members from including e-mail addresses and becoming too emotionally involved with one another. We have disallowed PM's in an attempt to foster an 'open and above-board' environment, and even eliminated the option to show member e-mail addresses automatically - but it is truly impossible to prevent people from contacting each other privately. If there is any question about how inappropriate this is, I believe that Dr. Harley's works include many references to inappropriate "opposite-sex friendships".

On another note, I have added a disclaimer of sorts to the forum introduction text regarding the fact that the advice given here is that of peers, not professionals, and that it should be taken as such. The responsibility of each member is to abide by the TOS and to behave with respect to other members.

Pep--this is for you, too. I'm re-posting it here, since you're not so likely to see it if it remains solely where it started out.


Quote:
Glad I met you, at least on the internet, too



Thank you, cc46 and SS. I would never, ever have wished upon my daughter (or anybody) the events of the past year. I wish her husband had never had an affair. I wish she had never been hurt. I wish the baby hadn't died. I wish. I wish. I wish.

And yet, since these things--and more--all DID happen, I will never stop being thankful for the people we have met because events drove us to this board, for the interesting friendships that have been formed, and for knowledge and insights that we would have been unlikely to have gained any other way. Thank you to you all--each one who has contributed and participated in this journey through treacherous and uncharted territory. You have been, and are, valuable to us all in ways you don't even begin to know.

t&l

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />