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4myself Offline OP
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Hi- I am pretty new to this site- I've read it all before- but only just joined actively... My question- how do you know when you are ready to get married again??? I'v am twice divorced... and have found a really good man whom I do love dearly... We have just moved in together- and boy has it been an adjustment!!!! Point is- I was hurt pretty badly beefore- and marriage has really left a bitter taste in my mouth- so when he brings up the subject- even without thinking- I get very defensive and negative towards the subject. I know I am not ready for another round- but I do love him..and there is a big part of me that really wants to be his wife.... Why do I do this? and how can I work on it to eliminate the problem- because I know it sets him back a bit and likely hurts his feelings as well- BUT_ he has been very good about it so far- and understanding... his last reply to my negativity was " well- I can see you're not ready for that one yet, maybe I'll just leave that subject alone for another month or two".... so what am I to do????????????? I would TRULY and GREATLY appreciate any feedback I can get on this ASAP........ I don't want ill feelings from elsewhere to set in and destroy what good things I could have in the near future...
Thank You.---- Trish

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Several thoughts run through my head.

First, welcome to MB. When you get the chance, I suggest you read the regular site as well as any posts on the boards.

Second, this forum is moves slowly. You might want to consider moving your post over to the after divorced board. Besides, that’s really more where you belong given what you are dealing with.

Third, if you do post over there, please include some additional information. I know it’s a pain to write out, but the more we know, the more targeted our response can be. So, how old are you? How old were you when you got married for the first and second time? Any children? Why did your previous marriages end? How long have you been dating this man? What prompted the decision to move in together? And anything else you can think of that is pertinent.

And then, I have a question. You get freaked out about marriage, but you aren’t freaked out about living with this man. I’m wondering why and what that may tell us and you about your negative feelings.


Divorced.
2 Girls
Remarried 10/11/08
Widowed 11/5/08
Remarrying 12/17/15
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You need to stop comparing your new relationship with your failed marriage. If you love your new partner and are happy to live with him then effectively there is no real change if you get married.

The only difference is perhaps a few more financial ties. People can be just as hurt by the breakup of a relationship as a marriage.

Take some time to write down what you expect to change if you were to get married and how you feel that will have an impact on your life.

Review the list and see if there is anything on it that you feel will have a negative impact. This will give you a starting point as to why you are struggling with the thought of re-marrying.

Once you know what the real issues are I would sit down with your partner and explain how you feel. Be open and honest about your fears and enlist his help to try and resolve them.

I honestly believe if you work well as a couple unmarried, marriage should not make a difference. If you have a chance of true happiness don't let it go, face up to your concerns, tackle them one by one, and then go for it. Look to the future not back at the past.

Start this exercise now, don't just wait until the next time you are asked. If you partner understands why you have said no up until now he will be able to help you move forward as a couple.

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In reference to PSplus1's response:
Thank You. I have - since writing this post- actively done some self- interrogation.... I am seeing alot of my "fears" stemming from external sources- my mom & sister, mainly.....
I know they mean well- but all I am hearing from them is negative in regards to my new relationship. This is rather frusterating!!! and I (unfortunately) do tend to "need" their "approval", I guess... But not this time... I'm actually starting to see a pattern in thier behaviour and mine in response- from a long time ago...and I don't really like it. I need for ME to be happy--- not to make everyone else happy.... I do so love this man.... He has been nothing but good to me...and my kids. He and I talked some about our relationship last night... and it was positive- I was able to tell him about some of my frusteratrions and I was politely heard and his responses were good, too. That felt good!! Just to be able to talk with him and not be put down, ignored or brushed off! (One of the problems I had in the past- could not talk with my EX...-- He refused)That is one thing I do need to work on- trust and self confidence enough to broach my needs and to ask for deeper conversation regarding such... Anyway- I'm not saying that my problem is solved- but seeing the issues here in B&W, and reading another's views- it helps--alot. The more feedback and open communication I can get with others, the better. I sincerely appreciate it.


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
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HI 4myself!

What is the time period between your 2nd husband and your current relationship? Is that why your family is being negative towards you? Maybe they think its too early?

Whatever the issue is I agree with Psplus "being open and honest about your fears" If he really is a good man he'll give your space and allow some TIME!

You said "Part of me just doesn't want to be tied down-If I decide to leave-I want to be able to just leave" THEN DON"T GET MARRIED!!! Do not put yourself through that and most importantly your kids!

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you should not keep with the bad experiences that u had . you should foregt it and think the good things that will happen to u . here is a link and i am sure that it will help you to motivate urself
http://www.iwishisaidno.com/forum/1879-new-begining-after-disappointment.html
good luck

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4MYSELF!

I am just wondering how your current situation is...
I know what you are going through and would like to help.

MYOWNCROSS

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We are doing very well, Thank You! I know it's been awhile since my last post/reply...life gets busy sometimes.
I said "We", because that is pretty much where things are, its a primarily we situation. Am I ready? Almost, but not 100% yet... We had one major problem, back around the 1st of October...but we made it through it, and have been working on things since. In September we had amajor discussion regarding the subject of marriage... He has been very patient with Me about it- let me know that he was a little bit offended- or hurt actually- from my past reactions to the subject matter... We talked openly- and I did make the decision that I wanted to marry him. We've had alot going on- family issues, HUNTING SEASON, and the current/upcoming holidays... not to mention my losing my job, the end of October... at any rate- our last discussion ended with the ( mostly HIS) decision that we were not going tgo make any plans about it until AFTER.....HUNTING SEASON, and the current/upcoming holidays.. Probably the best thing... but now I feel a little put-off by it. We have not mentioned at all since... (????) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
But, I do know that He is truly a good, honest man with a very loving heart and a sincere peronality. I am still a little scared, though I must admit... But I love him- and I know he loves me.....................


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
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Well, 4Myself, I'm working towards me marriage now...but I TOTALLY, COMPLETELY can relate to the mixed emotions you're feeling due to some very unfortunate relationships in my past. Quite frankly, and I say this to myself a bit, you have to confront the demon/monster/fear/nervousness/etc. from within before you can expound on the thought of being married...even if it is the second time around.

One gets hurt bad enough it can rock them to the core for years and years. And no matter how open you may be to a new relationship, that evil voice in the back of your mind always throws out tidbits like, "Yeah, it's fine now, but you know it'll end like anything else," or, "Sure, he's fun now, and I DO love him, but why bother with getting all excited again just to crash and burn?" It sucks thinking like that!

A great book to read to maybe help you along is "Don't You Dare Get Married Before You Read This" and see if your mind matches your heart. Keep telling yourself you're worthy of amazing, unconditional love--and if this man meets your emotional, spiritual, physical, and intellectual needs, go for it.

WE ONLY LIVE ONCE. LOVE HARD, DEEP, AND COMPLETELY!

Best of luck and keep us posted!

~MsBlink

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Back to this issue......
""I did make the decision that I wanted to marry him. We've had alot going on- family issues, HUNTING SEASON, and the current/upcoming holidays... not to mention my losing my job, the end of October... at any rate- our last discussion ended with the ( mostly HIS) decision that we were not going tgo make any plans about it until AFTER.....HUNTING SEASON, and the current/upcoming holidays.. Probably the best thing... but now I feel a little put-off by it. We have not mentioned at all since... (????)""

I really am unsure about how to feel about his ways - I mean agreeing to put off any plan making is fine, but He has not mentioned the subject matter at all since( nor have I, been kinda afraid to..) and he does not refer to me as anything other than his "girlfriend" yet- or occassionally his "significant other"..... maybe I'm reading too much into this, maybe I'm just paranoid...or maybe not.

Back in September, late, when the subject of marriage came up- we talked about it a good bit that night and once or twice more is all. HE did tell me that he had planned on "asking me officially" before we made any plans-and prefered to have a date set before we told anyone about it.
Are there any other guys out there who think like this? or even who think this is "okay" ??? I guess it kinda boils down- in a way - to (1) Me starting to doubt wheteher or not he really does want to marry me...... which in turn (2) breeds MY becoming unsure if I want it.. I dunno.

I still have a hard time bringing up certain subjects with him- I find it difficult- if not damn near impossible to talk to him sometimes about real indepth feelings/plans/etc.---and I KNOW that this stems from past hurts! and I really don't want it riuning what we have and/or may have together.... and (quoting MsBlink) ""And no matter how open you may be to a new relationship, that evil voice in the back of your mind always throws out tidbits like, "Yeah, it's fine now, but you know it'll end like anything else," or, "Sure, he's fun now, and I DO love him, but why bother with getting all excited again just to crash and burn?" It sucks thinking like that!""

How do I proceed from here????????????????????????????????


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
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Well, looks like I have my ansers- but from my S/O himself!
I emailed him that We needed to talk- heart to heart...- I sometimes have trouble bringing up a subject face to face- and he responded with coming to me and suggesting a talk. We discussed where we are, where we've been and where we both want this to go- very positive dicussion! We have decided on a Fall (07) wedding. ( Fall is BOTH our favorite Season) He told me some things about himself and how he feels about me- and how he sees our relationship- and I have no reason to doubt him, honestly- other than fear from PAST lies from my 1st H.... truly amazing!!! I won't go into any details- but I am so touched- he's so much more sensitive and loving than I had realized- and maybe even more than I had made him feel comfortable admitting before. There are still lots of questions, and fears- on both our parts....We have decided to always try to disclose our fears to each other- and work together on solving any problems. I THINK I AM STILL PARTIALLY IN SHOCK- THIS MAN HAS SO FAR EXCEEDED MANY OF MY EXPECTATIONS... (although it has taken me awhile to actually see that and moreover give him the chance to show it) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />............


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
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4myself Offline OP
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Just a bit of an update...and a request for further views/opinions... We are doing pretty well- going to get married 6/21/07...have had a couple of bad issues as well as some good developements... but all in all things are good...still I a have some fears... and I know alot of it is just me- need encouragemnet...any replies helpful. thanks.


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
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Personally, I wouldn't marry a man who has porn issues. I was married to one who lied about it for 6 years and I will never get those years back I wasted on him. He was / is a liar, manipulator, and porn addict. After getting caught, he would be sweet and romantic...everything I would want in a man. I received gifts, flowers, notes, candy; you name it along with a lot of begging and broken promises. So I took him back again and again. But in time the evil would come back and the addiction was too much for him to handle. I gave him two chances...the third one we both agreed to go our separate ways. I still have nightmares about my marriage to him and get physically sick when I think of what it did to me as a person.

What's the rush? Give him more time to prove to you that porn is NOT an issue and that his love for you is most important.

If you want to email me, let me know and we can talk.

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Quote
Personally, I wouldn't marry a man who has porn issues. I was married to one who lied about it for 6 years and I will never get those years back I wasted on him. He was / is a liar, manipulator, and porn addict. After getting caught, he would be sweet and romantic...everything I would want in a man. I received gifts, flowers, notes, candy; you name it along with a lot of begging and broken promises. So I took him back again and again. But in time the evil would come back and the addiction was too much for him to handle. I gave him two chances...the third one we both agreed to go our separate ways. I still have nightmares about my marriage to him and get physically sick when I think of what it did to me as a person.

What's the rush? Give him more time to prove to you that porn is NOT an issue and that his love for you is most important.

If you want to email me, let me know and we can talk.

Thank You for your input....I appreciate it. Sounds like you've still got some painful memories, too.... It's so hard to manage life sometimes, anymore.... Yeah- I'd like to have someone to talk to more. That'd be nice.


-not just 4myself anymore... for BOTH of us ...we survive together, or not at all....
4myself #1662678 04/11/07 12:26 PM
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genahere@hotmail.com <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

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another resurrection.... trying to tie it all together...


M:37,H:33
M:03/07
together since 01/06
2DS: 18 & 9, DD:14

4Myself/4BetterorWorse/4-US
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I,too,am twice divorced. At present, there is no intention for a third marriage. But in thinking about marriage generally, there are two things among everything else I concluded.

First, I will be completely honest with myself and a prospective candidate for marriage concerning my expectations. I would state them clearly leaving nothing to guesswork. And I would want the woman to do the same. This would be essential.

Second, I would be very candid regarding my limitations. There are things I would not be able or willing to accomplish or even attempt to undertake. No exceptions. No compromise. Again, I would want her to disclose her limitations in the same way.

If the above sounds unreasonable the solution is a simple one for me. There will be no marriage. Now, of course, this isn't referring to things like on which side of the bathroom sink does the soapdish belong. Or whose responsibility is it to lower the toilet seat from the raised position. One of my limitations is I don't want to expend much of life squabbling about such - to me -trival comcerns.

But it refers to the major issues which face every individual when adjusting to living with another individual. Without listing any, we all know these exist and what they are for each of us.


So ,ready or not, these two topics would have to be thoroughly discussed and understood before going any further.


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