Where I live we have a VERY large bridge. When my H was going thru withdrawal of OW, but still hadn't committed to recovery, he called me crying. Said he just got back from a walk over the bridge and was thinking of jumping.

It was frightening to hear and I cried knowing he hurt that bad.

Things come crashing down on them when they see a peek thru the fog. They get a glimpse of the destruction around them.

Hang in there, Leslie.

Jo

Leslie,

You don't want to jump onto his rollercoaster of emotions. So I would not change your course. He's cycling thru emotionally charged feelings right now, feeling bad for him is understandable. Its wrenching I know.

Stick to what you planned to do Friday. And re-evaluate then.

JMVHO

Jo

I think Plan B is PROBABLY going to be necessary.

I put the (?) because I think you need to play it day by day if not hour by hour.

I guess I don't believe in waiting for the affair to end on its own.

I see it as a BATTLE against the FORCES OF EVIL and I believe that the BS needs to be proactive in WORKING ON A PLAN whether it be PLAN A or PLAN B.

Rignt this minute you are in PLAN A so work that PLAN.

There remains a very high likelihood that they will make contact again unless there are extraordinary precautions put in place. Once contact is made..BANG..back into it again and it is like ECTASY for them...like I mentioned previously.

So in order for there to be RECOVERY before Friday, IMO.. there needs to be a NC CONTACT LETTER AND EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS so that HE CANNOT BE REACHED BY HER. Most importantly, HE has to agree to this....

Honestly, I think if she were to call him he would go running over to see her. If he's so angry right now at me and barely talking to me, how the heck am I suppose to get him to write a no contact letter.

As much as I want to make sure there is no contact between them it's impossible for me to do. He has cell phone, and work email. I'm sure he's holding on to his cell phone like a dying man would hold on to a life preserver. He's hoping she will call him. There is no way he will agree to give me the phone.

The most I see I can do now is to keep letting him know that I'm still here, listen to him should he want to talk, and for me to pray a lot.

It's sad, I almost want to tell him to go back to her because I love him so much and can't stand to see him hurting like this. (I won't but it is so tempting) It's one of those feelings where you have to let something go to set it free and then if it returns you know it's truely yours. Yeah I know warped thinking but not sure anything justifes him hurting so much right now.

Have you VERBALIZED TO HIM WHAT IS NECESSARY?

I started repeating out loud to my FWH even before PLAN B that he needed to do the NC LETTER and set up the precautions in order for us to reconcile.

I think it's a good idea to say this stuff to him today AND that you will HELP HIM WITH MAINTAINING NO CONTACT...Let him know that you understand how difficult this is for him. I think such humility is key but OH SO DIFFICULT for us....

Even if saying you will help does not reach him now, he is likely to remember this during PLAN B..that you will help him when he is ready...

Okay tonight if he comes over I will start telling him that it is essential that he writes a NC letter to her. If he doesn't come over tonight, I will send him an email tommorrow telling him the same thing.

I had told him on Monday when he came over that I he needs to write a NC letter. Of course during this time he was so angry he probably has no idea what I said to him, nor did he care.

Yesterday, I didn't broach it because I was trying to add some points to love bank in preperation of instituting Plan B on Friday.

I'm sure I will loose a few points though when I mention the NC letter, I just hope I don't drain the bank dry.

Part of PLAN A is negotiating the end of the affair.

It will not rob the love bank as long as you do not LOVE BUST.

I found it helpful to think about it and to present it in terms of you working on this as a MARITAL TEAM against the AFFAIR.

My H seemed to latch onto this and to remember this since part of being married so long is working on problems together.

However, keep in mind, as I said before, this may not work now since he remains so addicted to her. Importantly, though, you will be putting this mindset in place.

It's like: "I love you enough to help you to fight this and to come up with a plan to get your life back together..to get our finances back in order, etc."

This is the PLAN that you will repeat to him in the PLAN B LETTER on Friday....

As mentioned earlier, be prepared that he may be a different person by noon or tomorrow.

Stick to your course by planning Friday as your target date.

An entire week can bring many changes, and as you can see, he is an emotional mess.

Don't place yourself on his rollercoaster.
Jo

Here is an email I am thinking about sending to H today. I'm hoping it may help him to make it through the day without trying to call OW. I am not really happy with the wording of it, so please add your thoughts.

Darling,

While I may not exactly understand your pain and how much you are hurting, I want you to know that I am hurting right along with you. I feel like if you give us the chance we can be a team and work our way through this. Should you need or want to talk to someone I am willing to listen, if you need a shoulder to cry on, I have that also, if you think you need a hug, I also can do that.

Do you remember the time we were sitting outside the Grocery store and a customer came up to us and asked how long we had been married. When we told her she was like in awe because she said we looked like newlyweds. This my love wasn't that long ago.

If you would tell me what you felt I was not doing to meet your emotional needs, I will do everything possible to make sure those are met. Most people have different needs from each other, so when one is trying to meet the other's needs they do what they feel they are missing thnking that is what their partner wants or needs and often that is not what the partner is looking for.

It all starts with being able to be honest with each other and letting each other know what is important to each of us individually. Only then can the other parner begin to know which needs are important to each other.

Together we can make our marriage stronger then it ever was before. It will take some work, but I’m willing to do my part. I just need you to be willing to do your part also in achieving this goal.

However I also know that in order for us to build our marriage, then all contact with OW must stop. There can be no phone calls, no emails, no IM’s, no looking and hoping to see her, no Contact Whatever. The No Contact letter is one of the first steps necessary in order to work on our Marital Team. Yes, I specifically said TEAM because I know we are a team, through thick and thin.

P.S. If you would like to come over tonight, We can toss some steaks and chicken on the grill and we can try to see if we can figure out what each of our emotional needs are.
It's at least a starting point. Call or email me and let me know if you would like to do this.

Your Loving Wife

I like the E-Mail...especially the part about working as a TEAM.

However,I would just leave it with...all contact with the OW must stop. I wouldn't spell it out for him in the E-Mail..leave out the part about NO this or NO that..seems less like a team and more you commanding him if he reads it like this, IMO..He knows what to do!!

That's the appeal of the young women..they are not as smart and directive as we are. (Smile)

Let him come to you face to face and ask or either tell him face to face about how you can proceed TOGETHER once HE CHOOSES to do so...

Thank you MiMi,

I made the changes you suggested and sent it.

Leslie, I think you would be better served if you let things percolate in your husband's mind. He's not a reasoning adult yet. He's still an alien and can take in only so much at a time. Let him process it at his own pace. He has to hit bottom before he can begin to climb out of this morass.

Leslie…be still. Let some peace flow over you. Your recovery plan is succeeding and will continue to do so if you will let it work its slow way through the layers of your husband’s mind. Don’t get into the mindset there must be progress every day and that things must happen quickly. It’s not going to be that way. I keep saying “baby steps,” Leslie. Please let it happen that way.

Here’s a thread started by Ark that shows much better what I’m trying to say. I plagiarized a couple of the words from it because it’s known out here as Ark’s “Be Still” thread. It can be found here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...0&fpart=all


********

You know your husband far better than we out here ever can. The email you’re going to send to him is probably in response to some instinct inside you you’re responding to. Everything you wrote is entirely logical and presented exceptionally well. My concern is he might react unfavorably to suggestions he needs to start talking about your relationship right now. I’m afraid he’s not yet ready, based on what you’ve written about him, to take it all in right now. Be ready for no visible reaction, or a negative one, okay?

Let’s use the addiction analogy again. A drug addict going “cold turkey” or being weaned off the drug of choice had enough to deal with just dealing with the addiction. The drugs have caused any number of problems in his or her life, and the life of others around them, but the druggie cannot possibly deal with those problems unless he/she gets off the drugs first. Those have to be set aside for now in favor of killing the addiction.

My point? Please be careful about inadvertently pushing your WH farther than he can go from one day to the next with too much relationship talk. Remember, Dr. Harley goes so far as to discourage relationship talk in Plan A. There’s a reason for that.

All right…enough said. You DO know your husband better than anyone else does and it’s YOU in charge of your recovery. I hope last night was your husband hitting the bottom and he’s rebounding now. Just take care not to expect too much too fast, okay?

Where are his clothes, btw? If he doesn’t have a hotel room, he should have a car full of them and you’d notice. If they weren’t with him, they were surely hanging somewhere. Besides, there’s still that secret savings account with $15,000 in it, right? Something isn’t adding up here.

Hang in there, Leslie. You’re in this for the long haul.

Hi LH,

I pondered the same thought in my mind, about not sending the email but in the end I did send it for a couple of reasons. Let me first start by saying I understand what and why you said what you did, however, since I am still looking at Friday as a possible date for starting Plan B, (not set in stone yet, becuase so much can change between now and then) but I wanted a way to convey to him that a NC letter to the OW is necessary. Since I'm not sure if I will see him prior to Friday I felt he would need a few days to digest writing the NC letter to her. Additionally since he slept in the car, I was afraid he might be worried on what I would think abou him after doing that. (Yeah, I understand I am expecing him to think like a human and he's still in his alien world)

I also was trying to feel him out to see what his plans are tonight as far as coming by the house tonight and a gentle reminder about the EN quesioneer I gave him.

Please don't take this as defending my actions, just trying to put some insight on why I sent the email.

You amaze me sometimes with your insight into things, like your drug addiction analogy, in my case I am addicted to smoking (let me make sure this part is clear, cigarettes) anyway if I was going cold turkey, whether by choice or by force, the last thing I would want someone to do the next day was sending me a letter that had to do with the risks of smoking).

In answer to your question about where are H's clothes, most of them are still hanging in the closet at home. He didn't take a lot with him when he left that I can tell, so it's possible what he has would be in his trunk. I know he has money to pay for a place but again he's a frugal with his money, (well let me rephrase that, I have different financial goals then he does). I save for what I want then purchase it, but he saves with no end in sight.

At this point, while I am still nervous about the possibility of going to Plan B on Friday, I know H has to be willing to do some things prior to them to keep me from going to Plan B.

I SOOO agree with this that Longhorn says...the need to keep it SIMPLE with an alien WS. I hope that you didn't take me to be saying that it is time for R talk with him. However, it is time for negotiating the end of the A and making it CLEAR to him what steps need to be taken.



GOOD POINT! However, as I said before, you are creating a MINDSET that he will REMEMBER. I think that the WS, at least mine did, does register SIMPLE and CONCRETE INFORMATION.

I completely agree, Leslie. We're blessed to have him on this site. Mimi as well.

Jo

Yes, I assumed you were going to send the email, Leslie and I don't think there's even the smallest of problems with having done it. Again, you’re the lady in charge there, and you’re doing a great job. We all see that. I was more concerned that you would expect too much from him right now and you'd be disappointed if you didn't see a positive reaction and a quick turnaround. Enough said.

Many of the concepts in that email are also part of your Plan B letter and you'll repeat them to him in that letter. That's not wrong to do. Any educator will tell you the secret of teaching is repetition. The ideas you expressed in this email, repeated in your Plan B letter, give him a clear idea of what he must do to come home. They are very simple and even an alien can fasten on them easily. Now they have to sink in and take hold. There’s where the patience will come back in, huh?

AMAZING..how scripted all of this is!!!

When my H left home each time and during PLAN B, he left ALL of his clothes in his closet. He must have bought all new clothes and left those at the OW's house...

Funny, now he loves to go CLOTHES SHOPPING which he used to hate in the past...

BTW, I totally agree with Longhorn again about the need to repeat the facts simply to a WS..that's what I was also saying..creating the mantras for him to remember...

You are doing great..you also picked up on the importance of FOLLOWING YOUR GUT....

I still think H has completly lost his mind. Here was his reply to the email I sent earlier:

I probably need to go by and pay rent for another week first but I'm not sure I'll have much of an appetite. I think any letter should include an apology to Ms. _____ and her father also. Thanks for your concern. Try to be there sometime before 7:00.

Now if he wants to apologize to them that is his right, but if he thinks I have anything to apologize to them for he is absolutly insane

It's just the fog, Leslie. It might be interesting to find out what he thinks you should apologize for, but it would be irrevelant. The alien will grasp at any straw to gain a bargaining position. Do the reverse babble thing if he brings this up again. "Yes, you do need to apologize to her father," might be a good line. Play with it, see what you can come up with.