My wife had an affair for the past 2 years. They met at work. The OM is in the National Guard, who provide services for non profits when asked. The non profit which my wife works for use the Guard for providing services for several out of town functions throughout the year, and the person who is in charge of these functions is my wife. The problem is that the person the Guard sends to these functions is the OM.
Their affair was somewhat different. It sort of grew slowly at each function. For 14 months during the affair he was in Irag and the continued through many hours of cell calls and instant messaging. He returned this past December from Iraq. I had questioned my wife's cell phone log after after it showed multiple calls to him daily and for long periods of time. She blew it off to them being friends who liked to talk. I knew something was not right and put spyware on our home computer. I found out a month later when a log showed several text messages she had sent. These logs also recorded a secret email account with passwords. I have had access to all their messages and some email over that time period. Over 750 messsages. It took me 12 hours to read them all. She will not tell me what they had done sexually, but best I can tell by reading their messages is that she would not "go all the way" for "reasons". During their correspondence he kept asking for a commitmnent, asking for her to give him what he needed, making his mission complete when he got back, basically 14 months of pleading. Over this time, my wife's answer to his requests slowly started to break down. What started as "no", slowly became "we will see" or "I do not know what will happen". Well, even though I am not sure, I believe they finally "did it" at the last function they attended together.
So here is my problem. Their work situation has not changed. Even though she does not think the people she works with know, I am pretty sure they knew something was going on. I know from what I have read that total cutoff from the OM is necessary to help heal the pain and stop the wondering if they are contacting each other. She swears it is over because she knows I will leave her if any improper contact between the two is made. I even attended the last out of town function and plan on attending three more this year, something which I normally never do. Since they still have to have contact with each other at the functions, doing the actual job and when everyone goes out at night for dinner since it is a small group (this first function I attended, the OM stayed away from the dinner get togethers, which I did appreciate him doing), I feel my being there really is just a precaution to keep them out of each other's room during the night. Even though these trips take me away from my work, I enjoy being with my wife, the nice hotels and the chance to hang out at the pool and take it easy. Even though it seems I am being a adult babysitter.

What I need to know is there anyone out there who has a WS who has been able to continue working with the OP? Does anyone out there ever dealt with the military when it comes to military/civilian relationships like this?

I am in the process of reading SAA. We have both read HNHN, me reading it in two days but taking her 5 weeks. We plan on doing the Emotional Needs questionaire, which I have already started, and she will this week. Our relationship appears to be very good right now. We are talking, doing things together, having a good sexual relationship, etc etc,. All which got sort of mundane over the past years. We have been married for over 25 years. I am willing to give it a chance, our kids are in college and out of the house. But I still have questions, do not have trust, and am just scared that their relationship will rekindle.

In order for your marriage to ever recover she will have to cut off ALL CONTACT. She can't ever see him again FOR LIFE. Recovery will be impossible if she sees him at work, because she will be in perpetual withdrawal.

Their relationship not only WILL rekindle, but it has not really ended if they are still seeing each other.

She needs to leave that job if you are to ever have any hope of recovering your marriage. Sorry you are here, my friend. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Dr. Harley in Coping with Infidelity: Part 2
How Should Affairs End?


Never see or communicate with a former lover

Once an affair is first revealed, whether it's discovered or admitted, the victimized spouse is usually in a state of shock. The first reaction is usually panic, but it's quickly followed by anger. Divorce and sometimes even murder are contemplated. But after some time passes (usually about three weeks), most couples decide that they will try to pull together and save their marriage.

The one having an affair is in no position to bargain, but he or she usually tries anyway. The bargaining effort usually boils down to somehow keeping the lover in the loop. You'd think that the unfaithful spouse would be so aware of his or her weaknesses, and so aware of the pain inflicted, that every effort would be made to avoid further contact with the lover as an act of thoughtfulness to the stunned spouse. But instead, the unfaithful spouse argues that the relationship was "only sexual" or was "emotional but not sexual" or some other peculiar description to prove that continued contact with the lover would be okay.

Most victimized spouses intuitively understand that all contact with a lover must end for life. Permanent separation not only helps prevent a renewal of the affair, but it is also a crucial gesture of consideration to someone who has been through ******. What victimized spouse would ever want to know that his or her spouse is seeing or communicating with a former lover at work or in some other activity?

In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


Mimi wrote: Check this out from the How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS..one of my favorite pieces of reading material...

p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

p.s. your wife does not "HAVE" to work with the OM. She is not an endentured servant. She is free to leave that job at any time. She just WON'T end contact.

Then you know what needs to be done. My FWW and I tried the "limited contact" approach to recovery too. The only thing it did is delay the start of our recovery by at least six months - the point at which she left her job.

Ditto what the others have said, CCat. She needs to resign her position with this non-profit organization and find another job. If you leave them in contact, the adultery WILL find a place and time to flare up again. Do NOT appreciate anything this other man has done to stay away from these events. You owe him no thanks whatsoever. He's a predator who preyed on your wife and wore her down.

I'm not downplaying your wife's part in this. She made a series of cruel, self-involved decisions that she needs to account for. I hope you and she can explore these in couples and individual counseling.

You have not told us very much about what you said to your wife about this, nor what she has admitted...nor what she has committed to. These are important. Please let us know.

Have you exposed this to the other man's wife, if there is one? Under normal circumstances, I'd be asking you why you haven't exposed OM through the National Guard Bureau at the state or Federal level, but it may not be necessary at this point. I need to see more information from you. Whether exposing to the military organization is necessary in order to break up the adultery or not, the other man's wife deserves to know so she can address the problems in her marriage too.

Just want to agree with everyone else. Working with the OW/OM never works with any kind of contact. My FWH worked with the OW for 10 months. These were the 10 longest, hardest, worst months I had to deal with. He refused to leave the job - insisting he could handle it. We had so many arguments over this - I felt like it was an insult every day that he went to work - and sat less than 15 ft. from her. The less business contact he had, the further he distanced himself from the OW - the madder she got.

The end result was she filed charges against him and the company asked him to resign. He thought neither the OW or company would ever do this to him.

If he would have left asap - our recover would have been that much faster. I agree with Man in Motion - recover didn't start till FWH and OW had absolutely no contact.

He has a new job and loves it - can't understand why he wanted to stay on his old job anyway.

Best contact is no contact.