Hello,

I think your wife's comment that she did not expect your reaction from such a mild mannered man says a great deal. She continued and expected you to accept her having sex with another man. When push came to shove you reverted back to accepting her friendship and sex with this other man.

She felt you would back down and you have. You seem like a very nice guy and your wife continues to take advantage of this. Why you wish to remain with a wife who makes a total mockery of your marriage and destroys your self-esteem is beyond me. It is your life and I wish you happiness. If your son grew up and married a woman who was doing these things to him and humiliated and disrespected him in such a horrible way; what advise would you give him? Again for the upteenth time: If you do not respect yourself then who will?
Again why would a wife respect a husband who knowingly accepts his wife screwing another man 3 evenings a week? What has happened to you my friend?

My latest posts were worded to seek out comments and advice quickly...subject to replies, I had in fact decided to stick with Plan B.

However, WW obtained legal advice which has changed things. That is she was advised not to leave the house or she could eventually be left "out on a limb" with nothing. The advice then being to sell the house now.
Neither of us want to sell yet...there is yet work to complete on it anyway.
This means..for now anyway, a return to Plan A. I take Bryanp's comments very seriously and were what prompted me to go to Plan B. It is pretty demeaning and awful but I feel it is my best route for recovering the marriage in due course. I reckon if we sold the house and made such a complete split the marriage would be lost.
We do, and always have, got on very well together (which makes this affair more of a mystery?) so I think this option of keeping a fairly close and friendly relationship is a good thing.

cont/d..
I am hoping the Affair might end within 6 to 9 months. Which could be the case in Plan A, or B?. And, we should both be in the same house...though probably mentally exhausted.
If the situation is exactly as now, I would then be in a better position to sell the property and move to Plan B.

Did you ask your barrister (is that the correct term?) about adultery, saying that WW had been advised not to leave the residence, yet she is continuing her adultery?

There might be a restraining order you could get against OM...maybe? Find out civilly, also, if you can sue him for alienation of affection...

Of course, my mindset set is..."There's gotta be a law!"

I'm that way. Doesn't mean there is...I have a wishful child, also.

I do not believe if you sold the house, split assets and custody, that you do not have a marriage to save...honestly, I believe fantasies end, people wake up, they change their lives...how drastic an action taken is up to them...I don't give up hope because anything can happen...

I would not allow your expectation of the possible future to have any bearing on your decisions for today.

LA

My later posts were aimed at receiving advice quickly as to whether to stick with Plan B (I did realise of course that responses would be delayed due to time differences!).
In fact I had finally decided to stick with Plan B until my WW's change of mind and refusal to leave unles we sold the property.
I am just not ready..for practical reasons, to do this just yet...yes....perhaps in 3 months time.
I really do appreciate the time and effort you are all putting into this to help me.
I am determined to try and save my marriage, but back to Plan A for now.

Everything you all say is right, including Bryanp'S tough wording.
I have yet to track down OM's ex-partner as I don't know where she has moved to with her mother. I agree communication with her may prove useful.

cont/d....
I am hoping the Affair might collapse within the next 6 to 9 months. If by then the unpleasant adultery has irrevocably destroyed my marriage and love for her...so beit!.
I do not think WW regards me as a fool...she is in such a fog. She must have a VERY strong addiction to OM with no sign of "letting go"...and knows that I still have strong feelings for her. I said she must have a contempt for me for my allowing her to behave in this way...but she said she will never feel like that towards me and regards me as a "gentleman" in the way I have reacted. She accepts she is confused and mixed up.
She has told the 2 older children that she does not want to act hastily, move out or sell the house as she does not expect the Affair to last...and expressed concern that she might live to regret it.
I know she does appear to be treating me with contempt but I don,t think she fully realises what she is doing...one day she might wake from this fantasy and realise what a fool she has been.

While you remain in Plan A, what would you like to do, learn, know or share?

And is that posting problem continuing? Does it give you an error message when you type more than a paragraph? KFH is experiencing the same thing...would you email Tempest (email address above for technical problems) to find out what you can do?

I remember how many emotions I had in Plan A...and the thought of a bulletin board adding to my frustration blows my mind.

And if you want to...would you tell me how an ungentleman would choose in your situation?

LA

cont/d..
Although I obviously do not know her as well as I thought, we are still close in many ways and I want to build on this over the coming months.

It IS humiliating and demeaning for me but, for now, I do feel I am continuing to deal with this in the best way I can....and I feel that it is a bit like dealing with a mentally sick person.
So I am back for now on the "cake eating route" but all my actions are based on love for WW. The practical issue for taking this tack is that I am not ready to sell the house yet...perhaps in 2/3 months time if necessary.

I could have thrown WW out when the Affair was admitted, formally separated and sold and split the property, but I am sure that would have been the absolute end of the marriage.
I have been trying to follow the more subtle methods for reconciliation outlined on this site etc...

I do not feel I have completely lost my self respect. It is not easy living day to day like this and surviving quite well and still maintaining a civil, friendly and sometimes almost loving "relationship" with a scrambled brained WW.

In due course I might just decide that it is all too exhausting and tiring having to think about it every minute of the day. Then go to Plan B, sell the propery and move on....whether WW comes back to me or not.

In our different ways I feel both WW and I are trapped at the moment.

What does annoy me is that WW seems to "play down" the Affair....just a friendship, not much more!...with no commitments. Yet is obviously powerful enough to completely put a sudden stop to the once sexually intimate aspect of our 27 year relationship...and is threatening to destroy our family, marriage and home!.
Her mind must be really fogged up.

Nagrom...since you are choosing the cake-eating route, I would like you to keep your focus on yourself to get through this, and learn a lot, regardless of outcome...

Do you have any desire to learn new stuff, choose a new perspective, to help you through?

LA

cont/d...
The solicitor I consulted is fully aware of the situation and adultery but there would appear to be no way of legally evicting WW from our home.

Separating formally with finances agreed is the next step I may have to face....but as I said, not quite yet.

Others may not agree but, for the present I feel it is most beneficial for WW and I to be "as close" as possible...mentally with conversation... occasional trips out together, if only to do the weekly shop now I have closed the joint account....and the regular physical contact of hugs and kisses.

LA,
I might manage longer lengths of "prose" at a time....but have been let down several times and that can be very frustrating.
Thanks, I have noted you have interspersed some responses. It is getting late and I am tired so will read through and respond tomorrow.

I may not have acted as strongly as some would have liked but, I have certainly shaken WW a little with the "exposure" and my Plan B letter and stipulations...even though the latter is now on hold.

She is obviously more wary of me and what I might do next, but it has not affected our present friendliness and conversation.

Would you like an out of left field idea?

Can you invite your relatives to come stay with you? I mean like three or four?

Say, for three weeks? All at once or spread out...so that others are present in your house, enjoying your connection, for say, the next six months?

LA

Sleep and rest your soul, Nagrom...no hurry...I'm interspersing because I can...and now I'm on my way home...you're a night owl tonight, arencha?

We all have our opinions...you only have your own life. We'll respect your decision...you aren't alone.

LA

Thanks for the various posts. The posting problem...it seems that if I have longish threads and/or don't hurry, the "submit" button does not appear. So, beter to break posts than risk too much retyping!.

I am very weary mentally with all this and feel I need to rest my mind for a while...but I know I do need to keep contact with the site.

Yes...I have yet to think more of what to do, learn, know or share while in Plan A......apart from being as close to WW as she will accept.

The Affair probably started due to some emptiness WW fellt in her life which she unfortunately avoided discussing with me. We think it may be partly due to the 5 very bad years with difficult elder daughter. OM probably took advantage of her vulnerability and dropped is previous Affair to take on WW instead. WW woin't accept that she is probably being "taken for a ride"!. However she succumbed and became "addicted".

cont/d..
WW says she sees no future in the Affair and that OM has no commitment. It might end in a few months but she enjoys his friendship. However, the addiction is obviously strong enough for her to destroy our marriage, family and home....and WW has completely excluded me fromthe physical and sexual side of our marriage. (Am i right in saying this situation is not unique and others have to suffer the same?).
She says she does not rule out the possibility of a reconciliation....but is she telling the truth?.

WW should have discussed any concerns earlier rather than accept an Affair...but it does worry me a littlethat the Affair may have been an excuseto leave the marriage.

WW loves our home...barn and stables we converted together 27 years ago and which we have been improving together ever since. She said she hates the thought of any one else living here.

Re...a "gentleman"...an awkward and interesting question. I have probably appeared polite, understanding, non-argumentative, conversant and a good llistener...and sympathetic where appropriate.

a "non-gentleman"...would have probably generally have done the opposite and we would probably be facing a legal separation and house sale by now!!..?.

Yes, LA, I have been trying to focus on myselfas you suggest....regardless of outcome.Have been out with elder daughter updating my wardrobe...very successful.
Out horse riding every day...very theraputic...sometimes for hours. Or some strenuous horseball practice.
WW said the other day how well I looked.
Another thing I have starte to concentrate on again is progressing house renovations so the house can soon be ready for valuation and sale....perhaps in about 3 months time.

Not sure about relatives staying. Only ones are WW's parents and sister. We could arrange short weekend stays.

But I have 2 children living herewho are excellent company an the elder daughteraway from home who I have become much closer to due to this "tragedy".

I should have have added that if house valued in a few weeks time and marketed this might be the time to go on to Plan B again.

I am beginning to feel that enough is enough re WW continuing to be nice on the one hand and humiliating me on the other...
Anyway, Plan A a bit longer.

I have not been losing any posts so may try typing longer ones again

With short weekend stays, WW could pretend she isn't in an affair...

Back to the gentleman/nongentleman...

I understand image, how you're seen is important...was to me, too...until it became in conflict large enough with who I saw myself...

"I have probably appeared polite, understanding, non-argumentative, conversant and a good llistener...and sympathetic where appropriate."

I believe you are polite, reasonably understanding, a bit of a conflict avoider (inserting the non-argumentative DJ myself), conversant...is that open and honest?...and a good listener...sympathetic (empathetic is connective, so I'm going with that). No conflict between appearing to be and being...do you think?

"a "non-gentleman"...would have probably generally have done the opposite and we would probably be facing a legal separation and house sale by now!!..?."

This doesn't translate for me...you can be all those gentlemanly things and still respectfully choose to enforce your boundaries.

I wondered if image would be part of your decision about Plan A versus Plan B.

Would you re-read your last posts (today's) and replace in your mind the word "addiction" with "resentment"...and tell me what you think?

LA

My intention is still to carry on with Plan A. But having to detach myself more from WW...ie. try and subdue the feelings of love I have for her...the more she sees OM the easier I find this.

AlthoughWW says she would never feel contempt for me, she IS humiliating and demeaning me by her callous behaviour.
As she and I are both living under the same roof it would be better for my "mental" aspect if she stayed here every night and left her liason to the daytime.

However, this not practical for WW and OM due to his business and at least I know when they are together. I think daytime meetings are rare.

Als I feel that the more they see of each otherthe sooner the Affair might end. Though, unless they are together more permantly I don't think WW is going to see what a poor character OM really is.

cont/d..
The Affair shows no sign of abatement...on average the pattern is....together one eve/night...miss two...then another eve/night....thenmiss two...etc...

I was asked some while back whether I felt jealous. I did not know how to answer then, but I suppose I do feel it now.
Why should OM have all this close "friendship" and intimacy with the woman I have loved and been intimate for 27 years while I have had none since April!!!
I suppose I should be thankful for the hugs and unpassionate kisses I receive!.

There were one or two questions I put in my posts that have received no comment...but perhaps not considered worth comment?.
But I feel at a stage of meditation re the situation at present.

Am now working hard to get the property together for valuation and sale....which could then be in 2/3 months time.
Plan B COULD then come naturally into action.
I am investigating how I would survive until my money reinvested in another property. (This might be in conjunction with elder daughter)..so complicated.
Might put the caravan on land of a friend.

I have replaced the word "addiction" with "resentment" as suggested....interesting!.
Makes me feel the Affair could be ended more easily and future recovery made easier..?.
But there must be an "addiction" there all the same?.

WW has said how selfish she is, as if she could end the Affair if she put her mind to it?.

Re "enforcing boundaries"....I can't see much can be done about that in Plan A.

My 4 children are taking me out for a "mystery evening" today...looking forward to that.
WW is looking after grandson.