we generally do not argue

most of our major disagreements have been worked out over the 25 years of marriage

our waters are mostly smooth of late

we use our marriage tools most of the time

we both love and like each other more than ever

this past weekend
I got mad

at my husband

not a little bit t'd off...

no

I was
really really red-hot-chili-pepper-[color:"red"]MAD[/color]

and after spending time alone thinking things over

I decided to let the full frontal heat of my anger loose

without going into the topic
which is both personal and irrelevant to everyone else

I thought I'd share something I learned from this past weekend

when one does not have the habit of anger

when one approaches life with a sunny disposition

when one's family members count on you being calm and easy ....

anger is an awesomely impressive instrument

it was not love-busting time
it was not old-injuries re-runs

it was topic-focused hard core honesty
and instead of saying my usual

"I'm really upset"

I said

"I am as mad as I have ever been in my life and here is what I am mad about ..... (event & issue)"

know what happened?

things got changed
issues that might have gotten overlooked or buried were taken out and steps were taken to solve problems long term

here's the thing

anger
properly used
and properly stored
and not overdosed

is a powerful & useful instrument

I did not realize I could get that MAD and stay so calm and focused!!!

my anger was not generalized discontent
it was lazer-beam focus on THE issue

so

I am passing this along to anyone who may need to read this

anger
while not a marriage tool we usually discuss

I made a personal discovery....

I think anger has it's place in our lives

but we need to know

when
where
how

and we need to locate the 'shut-off' valve .... and recognize when it's time to stop being mad

I cannot believe I am just learning this at age 56 ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

and the day after my anger was fully expressed ... we are back to being kind loving and happy

this rocks!

Pep

and tip of my hat to Susan ... who was patient and listened to me tell my story ... and she helped me find my equilibrium once more

Thanks.

You are so kind to share.

I hope you understand that I mean it.

SS

You are ever so welcome.

Because guess what. I learned something too.

I learn from LISTENING along with sharing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It's aaaall good hunny!

Suz

I think the one thing that I appreciated the MOST about you that day was that you did not immediately take my side

you just listened

and pointed some things out that I might take a closer look

muchograssyass

Fantastic... That one will stick with me.

Speak softly, eh?

Expressing anger without an "angry outburst."

Without a Lovebuster.

And getting results!

Hmmmm.

MB must work after all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This is a perfect description of Mr. W...

He just NEVER, I mean HARDLY EVER gets mad...

And when he does...I escalate it, and go on the offensive...by getting mad at him for getting mad...which is VERY unfair...

I am working on this...now I say to him, "I understand that you are mad and that's okay."

But inside it SCARES the total C R A P outta me...I'm not entirely sure why...

But now I understand that he has the right to be mad when the situation calls for it...he's human too, dang him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for sharing Pep!

Mrs. W

"He just NEVER, I mean HARDLY EVER gets mad...

And when he does...I escalate it, and go on the offensive...by getting mad at him for getting mad...which is VERY unfair..."

This was going to be the whole point of my post, but you nailed it right on the head for me.

This is my FWW exactly. Once I show the least bit of anger about a situation I am now the cause of the fight. The starting point of every arguement was after she escalated it and I got mad. It never started with what she did wrong.

For instance one night she did something that bothered me, on going issue in our marriage, I tried to bring it to light calmly. Nothing until I finally got angry. Guess what then she escalated and god mad at me for being mad. When every thing was said and done the arguement did not start with what she did wrong it started when I got angry.

I no longer get angry because that is what she is waiting for. The minute I do I have ruined everything. When I don't she feels bad about what she did and has no excuse or ability to turn it around on me.

"I no longer get angry because that is what she is waiting for. The minute I do I have ruined everything. When I don't she feels bad about what she did and has no excuse or ability to turn it around on me. "--AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH so right!

My WH is the same. It helps to deflect the situation away from his faults.

Pep thanks for sharing. My H's dad was the same way with disciplining his kids. He never raised a tone unless it was serious. Now as a grandparent he always wants to know why we don't yell at our kids?

I learned that lesson this week and showing anger. i don't think I did as good of a job as you did. In the past, I've never gotten angry like I was, and even thought I'm not proud of the my actions when I was angry. I think H got to see that I'm not weak and can stand up for myself. I may have earned some respect from my actions. I just wish I had a little more control, like you did, and spoke softly. I'll have to practice that! I think I do need to show my anger more because it's not something I think I can hold inside. I would like to learn to not love bust when I'm mad. I hope that I didn't, h did bring me shopping for clothes a few hours later after we both calmed down. That was an event that doesn't happen often.