Good for you hiker.

This is called displaced anger. She should be angry with herself, the OM and the consequences their actions are causing everyone. Instead of being angry at these things she gets angry at you. Unfortunately it harms you.

At some point if she comes around she will see how much you loved her to do these things. You are fighting for her my friend and it doesn't look like you want to lose this fight. Think into the future if you are sucessful your wifes LB will fill up thinking how hard you worked to keep her and get her back.

You are doing great.

Post deleted by Hiker45

Is she self employed? If not, Expose to her boss and express your concerns about the business trips to see OM. Be prepared to provide proof if requested.

Unfortunately they are not business trips. These are trade shows related to her hobbies.

Then there you go.

No trade shows related to hobbies that take her out of town.

Or better yet. You go with her. Hey baby I really want to take an interest in your hobbies. It won't really cost us more since you have to get a hotel. I really think this would be a great bonding experience for us.

I am going to go out today and buy some books on your hobby so I can learn more. Do you know of any good books I can read. I am so excited to spend this time with you.

What I can't go? Why not? Don't you want to spend time with me. I thought you would like it if I supported you.

What do you mean you need alone time. Ok I will go with you and you can go to the trade show alone then I will meet you for lunch then we can go to dinner and hang out after the show. I can't wait. Where are WE staying?

Are you sure about the rendezvous aspect?

In my time on this board, I've observed a loose correlation between a WS's sustained response to exposure and the course of an affair. ALL WSs are mad as he11 right off the bat with exposure. All of them. But right after that, what happens next seems to define in large part the next several rounds in LaLa Land.

They either hold 'em or fold 'em.

They hunker down in fortress mentality or crash, burn, and regain their integrity.

If she's really planning on regular rendezvous with OM, she's a hunker down type. But these types also get wierder and wierder. The Mothership may have a firm grasp. Do not underestimate her deviousness.

JMHO

WAT

Post deleted by Hiker45

Have you taken steps to protect yourself financially? Perhaps you described this already and I just don't remember.


A hallmark of affairees is a belief that they really are pulling the wool over everyone's eyes. She's not assuming you're too dumb to notice - she's assuming she's too smart to be suspected. The dopamine coursing through her brain has over-ridden her oops response.

You're a smart guy. I suggest you adopt a parallel path approach - keep implementing the MB principles while positioning yourself for the most advantageous divorce.

WAT

WOW, ir seems like you have a handle on things! Great work! I wish you the best with your fight! Even through my situation is different, i still see my H's reactions in there! god was he mad as he((! I hated dealing with him when he was like that! Soon enough, I found he was talking to me like a rational person! There's hope but the progress is slow! hang in there!

Post deleted by Hiker45

Can someone help me? It sounds as though the advice here is to baby-sit the wife so she can’t go around cheating. Check her password; tell her mommy on her; tell her boss on her; go out of town with her; tell her man she has a husband; make her mad. I JUST DO NOT GET IT! If you do all this and she decides to stay with you, are you going to be happy that she stayed? Are you going to be happy that she is with you, because she has no way to get out? Do you think this behavior is acceptable?

The only reason she is still in that house is because the other dude won't take her, she can't move in with her mommy and is either too financially ignorant or scared to move out on her own. How does that make you feel?

There is no excuse for cheating. Boot her, at least till the affair is over, if you want her back at all. This is the only way to truly turn up the heat. I don't think any person deserves to be treated like you are being treated. There is more to life than being tied to the whipping post like you are.

As long as men act like you, and most do unfortunately, women will keep up this behavior. Women used to put up with dudes running off with other women. Then, all of a sudden, women, collectively, put their feet down, took men for all they were worth, took their kids, house, car, bank account, etc. for doing this kind of thing, which slowed it down, according to stats. (I know there are still a**hole guys who do it, but it seems to be on the decline, UNACCEPTABLE). Until men make the consequences real, they will continue to get walked all over.

Post deleted by Hiker45

Kinger,

Can't boot her because she is on the mortgage. The idea behind MB is that the cheater is "ill" and the cure is not to throw them out, but to coax them back into the marriage with kindness, yet show no tolerance for the affair. That means treading a narrow path.

Now I don't know how often it works, but I don't have many choices. If I want to get her out, there really isn't any way to do it. If I leave, she basically has everything she wants.

Hiker,

Kinger has five posts all saying pretty much the same thing. Not sure what the goal is, but it's not consistent with yours.

Dobie,

Is your signature line from Steven Wright? My favorite comedian!

I adore him as well, but I stole the quote from a game called Tumblebugs that the kids and I play.

Yep, you cannot boot her. Every time I think about that, I think of the movie "War of the Roses." If you have seen it, that should bring a smile to your face, if not, you might want to check it out.

I hear what you are saying, and I hope it works for you. I hope that a cheater is really "ill," for your sake.

Unfortunately, I have a hard time believing one who makes a conscious decision out of selfishness; lack of respect and honor is doing so because he or she is sick. I happen to think it is a lame excuse that allows the cheater to turn a knife in the heart of the one who loves them the most. I think that a person that puts up with it is nothing more than an enabler for the unacceptable behavior.

As long as there are excuses and no accountability, it will continue. The person who is cheated on will continue to be heartbroken over and over, take most of the blame and responsibility and he or she will be the one who actually ends up ill. Cheating is not acceptable. It is the responsibility of the selfish person who is breaking the marriage vow.

No one deserves this. It is not your fault.

You are a better man than I for trying to keep it together. I hope that you will know when to say when so you do not allow it to destroy you.

Kinger,

It is tough as he11 getting through this. I have been lied to, betrayed, and deceived by the person I love most -- and worst of all, it is still happening.

I have overheard conversations I wish I never had to listen to and which may haunt me for the rest of my life. I have seen e-mails that broke my heart. I have felt ashamed that friends and family know I have a troubled marriage when we once were considered a shining example of what a great marriage should look like.

Worst of all, I have a wonderful 4 year-old boy who may have to watch his mother and father split up even though he loves them both and can't understand why we all can't live together like the happy family we were before this affair.

With all of that and more, one would wonder why I would want to stay with this woman one minute longer.

For me, the answer goes back to that little boy. He deserves to have both his real parents. He deserves to have as happy and emotionally fulfilling a life as we can give him. And since I have heard that there really are people who save their marriage and actually come out stronger in the end, I want to take the steps necessary to make that happen for my son and myself.

If I do everything possible to save my marriage and I fail, then so be it -- at least I will have given it my all. If I succeed, I will have the basis for a stronger, happier marriage than existed before and everyone will benefit.

You have such a wonderful attitude. I feel for you brother. It hurts me, angers me and brings about many other emotions that I cannot describe whenever I see a man in your situation. No one could possibly say you are making the wrong decision because it is out of love for your son. If I had to guess, you are worried that he won't have the life that you had growing up with 2 good parents that were together.

I wish you the best of luck, no matter what happens. Like you said, you can't ever look back and have regrets that you didn't try.

Just promise yourself, you won't let the pain of what she is doing to you destroy you to the point that you cannot be the good man that you are. If you allow it to, you will not be able to be the best father that you can be. I know you don't want that.

You are correct about me growing up with two good parents. My mother and father were both dedicated to the family.

It is disconcerting to me to listen to people talk about having affairs because their emotional needs were not being met. Life was no picnic for my parents. My father served in Vietnam for two and a half years and my mother raised 4 kids and worked full time while he was gone. Think their emotional needs were met?

There is no excuse for having an affair. None. There are marriages that could be better with a little work and good communication. Unfortunately we live in a time when few people are willing to take responsibility for their own actions; they seek to rationalize bad choices rather than own up to them.

I hope you are in a better place than I am, because right now I am only hanging on to the promise of a better future. For me, the present is a struggle for survival.