First of all, Hope you can understand my English, I born Here but I grew up in Europe. So I hope you can be able to read my post in what Im feeling right now! and give me your advice! Thanks!

Me and my wife been married for a little over a year, I made a big big mistake, I cheat on my wife in a night stand last year, I was completly wrong, I regret it, I repent and paying the consecuenses of my acts, I ask for forgivness and Im been trying to improve myself, after she found out. (she read txt msg from my cell phone) and of course I never denied. i go church, I read tons of books, but now Im just getting crazy! I dont know what to do, have so many questions! Oh my gosh is just horrible.

I just found out that my wife is having an affair with her ex boyfriend, (she was with him 6 months before I meet her)
we went to las vegas for a wedding and when we got back to dallas she said to me Im not going home with you, I have a ride! well after that day, my life start to change in a nightmare! can't sleep, can't eat! she was spending everynight somewhere, and she show up home everyday in the morning (7:30 am) and she was home until 4 pm, I got her cell phone and rI found that she is sending some text messages and I found that that she is staying with her ex boyfriend. I did ran a background check on him, to see what type of person was and find where he lives. So I went to see how he lives and my surprise was that this guy lives so bad, in a nasty apartment complex etc.etc. we have a very decent home,also we are building our dream house ready to move sometime in August, now I dont know what is going to happend with that! but she is with this person every night, and now she is not comming home at all, she took a most of her clothes. but of course, I was bother her a lots with I love you, call her cell phone so many times and sak her for One more chance, and I was on and on and on into that. I know was a mistake, but I was desperate. about week and half later she told me that she will come back if I gave her a new car, she asked for a mini cooper, well I went to the dealership and bought the mini cooper she want, of course I was doing everything she ask for. Also because we both knows this guy dont have a stable financial and i dont know him and I can trust my wife I went to the bank and transfer all the money in a safe account that she dont know, just to protect our savings. About a week and half later, she told me that she was pregnant, me ON SHOCK! WOW!!!!!!!!!! we were trying so hard last year and now she is pregnant. I asked her how long you been with this guy and she answer about a month, I took her to a doctor and the doctor confirm that se is pregnant between 6 and 7 weeks.
of course I still have a doubt, but now Im trying to work hard and dont think the baby is his, and is mine.

Im so hurt, im so mad, I dont know what to do! I have questions that I dont have an answer:

How long an affair take for she to realize what she is losing?

Does she is ever going to come back?

Does an affair always end?

what kind of behavior I need to approach in order to get her back home?

Does a woman when she is pregnant and her emotions change and also her body will be able to forgive, and save the marriage?

If she need space, how Im suppose to work in that? what Im supposse to do?

In this crisis what I suppose to communicate with her without making any more mistakes? like I love you a 1000 times, calling her. you know! because Im desperate.

Should I give her some money? I dont know?

What is the percentage that affairs will end soon?

Does she will miss me, miss our home, our dogs? at some point

How the pregnancy will affect a chance to reconcile?

This are just some questions that past over my head right now. I really appreciate the time, and advise base in your experience or others that can help me survive and have a hope!

Gustav,

To start with, I too was born in the United States and grew up in Europe.

I'll start off with trying to answer some of your questions:


To start with most affairs usually last around six months. There is also another type of affair that we call the long term affair. These can last for MANY years. LTA's fortunately are fairly rare.

At this point she probably doesn't think about what she's "losing". She's built her own little escape fantasy with the OM>



She might. But YOU have to present yourself as the better choice. If you haven't read up on plan a Do so now!



The VAST majority do. Usually around six months.



To start with you need to be the safer / better alternative to be with.

Remember those THREE AFFAIRs that you had within your FIRST Year of marriage. I can't imagine the hurt you put her through with that (NOTE: This does NOT excuse her affair)!

To have a chance at this your need to start to rebuild trust between yourselves. YOU and WW need to become completely transparent to each other. NO SECRETS. TOTAL HONESTY WITH EACH OTHER. DO NOT that that you can hide / trivialize some facts hopeing to not hurt each other as badly. ANY percevied dishonestly pushes you back to square one in this case.

If she is willing, See if WW will agree to go to a couples counsler with you to start working on this.




I believe that the figure is around 90%.



She will. But will YOU provide a safe environment for her to come home to?



It's my general understanding that the woman prefers to be with the father of her children, if it is a good environment. Are you willing to do what it takes to provide for that environment?

I'm out of time for posing tonight. I'll post more tomorrow morning.

Good Morning Gustav,


"She needs her space" This is "codespeak" for don't interrupt and / or bother WW during her adultry.

Have your read up on Plan A yet? Since she is no longer @ home you can only Plan A her when WW gives you the oppurtunity. DO NOT expect to see any reaction at all from her. Plan A takes time (months) to build and WW will deny it is has any effect on her (make no mistake, it does. Even though WS's won't admit to it).



I would not. Giving her money would allow her to prolong the affair. To have ANY chance at reconsieling you need to break up the affair. I'll post more about techniques to do that in another post if you respond.



First and foremost: Stop being desperate! It is very unattractive and will NOT entice your WW back to you. No WS respects a BS that they can walk over. As a matter of fact, they will use that desperation as one of the "justifications" for the A.

As for communications with her you must be careful. Try to keep your emotions in check. Even if you want to scream you MUST speak to her in a calm and clear voice. Let WW rage as much as she wants, YOU need to be calm and plesant. Be very careful to avoid disrespectful judgements and Love busters. You can read move about them on this site.



I highly recommend NOT doing this. In the US most states are marital property states meaning that half of what you and her currently own is hers.

If you start hiding assets and WW starts to suspect this then any lawyer worth his salt will hang you out to dry on this. Up to and including criminal charges. Laws about this vary from state to state.

I would HIGHLY advise speaking to a lawyer in your state of residence about what your options are in this matter.



Cudos to you for at least being honest about the affairs. Many BS long for their WS's to become repentent.

"After she found out": Were you planning on taking these secrets to your grave if she never found out? One of the very firm facts about life that I believe in is that the truth ALWAYS comes out. It can take awhile sometimes but the truth does eventually emerge.

What are you doing to yourself to improve yourself? Have you looked into yourself to figure out why you've had multiple affairs during your first year of marriage? I'd say you have some major interspection to do.



I going to recommend a couple of books to you. Both are available on this website and most book retailers. The books are Surviving An Affair (SAA) and His Needs / Her Needs (HN/HR). They will go into much greater detail a lot of the techniques we will use on this site. I highly recommend them.

A lot of the techniques that have proven successful is recovering marriages seem counter intuative. We'll help you through this.



Do you realize that you ARE the father of the child, regardless of the sperm donor, in the US? I believe that all states in the US ASSUME that the child born in a marriage is the product of the marriage. You have the right to protest this paternity withing 2 years of the birth of the child. After this time period (I believe that it is 2 years in most states, again check with your lawyer.) You are the legal father of that child irregardless of any proof to the contrary.


BTW: Congratulations Papa! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WTF

Thanks for your advice!

yes! I read Plan A and plan B ready to finish building plan A and getting start in the Plan.

2 questions?

Should I take the new car back and let her use her old car? or dont do or say nothing about that?

I did send her a text message today from an unknow number that says: Don't make my mistake. Don't let yourself be so angry that you stop saving your marriage. Because one day you'll wake up from that anger, and he will be gone.


I dont know If that was a mistake or was ok, is some moments right now that i get desperate!

She call me and ask me if I give her number to somebody because she receive some crap! I completly denied that I was the author of that.

Also I ask her hey How you feel? and she answer Im sick I been vomit because the pregnancy.

I just said well take care yourself and get some rest! and f you need something please let me know! and then we hang up!

Is very hard that in my mind she is in the place of this guy and lots of things cross in my mind.

Thanks for your advice!

I know, I will try to be strong, and I will dont let my situation to damage other things like my job or just get crazy, I will maintain myself busy!


I feel so down write now! that I dont want to do nothing! but question? when does a person realize what is doing is wrong and realize that she is loosing more?

I try to exposure the affair to our priest, he call me and I explain him whats going on and he was in shock! he ask for her cell phone number and i gave it to him, he said that he is going to call her! I hope this not push her more far away! what you think?

Gustav,

Sit back, relax, and take some deep breaths. What you are about to embark upon is a marathon, not a sprint. You CANNOT force an action from your WW. WW will CHOSE what she wants to do. You have no control over her choices. She owns them and their consequences.


Excellent!



Unless this is financially difficult for you to swing, I would just let this go at this time. If you try to take it back it will be viewed as an LB by her, A way you are trying to "control" her. The car is additional marital property, nothing more. Focus on what's important. Ending the affair and rebuilding a relationship with WW.



Just so I understand this. You sent her an anonymous message from an unknown number. She asked you if you gave out her number and you denied that you were the author of the message?

(WHACK) In my very first post to you I mentioned something about HONESTY. Be truthfull, no lies, not even ones of ommission. What you need to do is to start REBUILDING trust. That lie that you told her is NOT GOING TO HELP YOU DO THIS. The next time you speak to her appoligise for this lapse in judgement.

I am NOT going to let up on this point. HONESTY is essential if you want any hope of reconsilliation. I have seen a number of marriages desolve over the years. Some from adultery, some not. But all shared one crucial element: One or both of the spouces could NOT be HONEST with each other. An act of adultery can be FORGIVEN by the BS. What destroyed the marriage were the constant Lies / ommissions / protecting from an unpleasant truths.

I've also seen marriages survive incredable trials. How did they thrive? They clung to each other in times of trouble. They were honest if there feeling towards each other. There were no "secrets" between them. My / our particular trial came just after the death of my / our first born.



That was a good plan A exchange. Let her know that you care for her!



These are very normal feelings, but try not to dwell on them. This train of thought takes you to a very nasty place. Don't go there! It drains your strength to attempt recovery very quickly.



Don't just keep yourself busy. I think that it would be a good idea to talk to a counselor. He / She will help you to improve / identify relationship areas that YOU need to work on to become a more attractive alternative than the OM.



When WW is ready to, NOT BEFORE. You CAN NOT reason with or educate her about this. WW will recognize this ONLY when she is ready. Remember, you can not force her to act. ONLY she can CHOSE to act.



Exposure is best done in one major blow. Usually before we start to expose we compile lists of people who may have an influence on the WS and OP.

Prime exposure targets are: Her folks / relatives , your folks / relatives, OM's relatives, Her / OM's workplace supervisors, Her / your friends, and your Clergy.

Affairs THRIVE in darkness. Exposing them to the light of day is the begining of the end for most affairs.

Be preparred, she will not be mad about this. She will be FURIOUS! She will scream at you that she can never trust you again, you've blown it now she's not even going to try, she's going to divorce you, etc...

ALL exposed WS's do this. It is stright for the WH handbook.

Remember this: Your M CAN survive her temporary anger. It CAN NOT survive an ongoing affair.


Now a question for you: When you were talking to the priest did you mention the fact that you also had an short term affair before she did?

That priest is going there to help you and he can do a MUCH better job if he is fully informed of the situation. I trust that there wasn't a lie of ommission in this?

Stay Strong!

Thanks Thanks for all your support!

Need to tell you more details!


About the exposure: : I tried to talk to her mother the other day, but I didnt receive any support from her, she just got married (I think number 6 or 7 not sure!) and I know she is not a good influence on my wife. Her new husband that I just met once and they live in seattle he told me You need to file for divorce and move on! so I know that I will never going back to them and ask for advice.

My wife doesn't have a father, he was never around in her life.

My parents,y brother and my sister, I know I have all their support but they live out the country, so that make it a little difficult.

I did talk to our Pastor, and he is going to try to talk to her soon.

I talked to one of her best friends Kim, and I receive a total support from her, she mention to me that se knows this guy, when they were together (6 months relationship), he treated bad in the past, also she told me that my wife break off with this person because he cheat on her and got pregnant somebody else, also I found that this guy was on prision for 3 or 4 years for driving under influece of alcohol, and have an accident and somebody was killed.
She mention that is going to contact her and found out was going on, in the next 2 or 3 days, and she will get back to me.


Im reading the book of suviving an affair and Im learning a lot and finding some answers.

I just realize and been focus here at the house that she took almost 90% of her clothes! this really bother me because I keep thinking that she is not coming back! and make me stress and scare about she leave me for good.

Question?

When does I will consider executing plan B?
my question is because, what happen if she dont come back and dont talk to her in the next weeks! what about plan A?

I promise I will stay Strong!!!!

Goodnight!

Gustav

Gustav,

Just a quick post in answer to your question.

Expect to be in plan A for a couple of MONTHS! Plan A takes time to build. During this time you need to be working on yourself to become a safe harbor for her to come back to.

Since she is already gone from the home WW will chose when you get to plan a her. Remember what I told you about communicating with her in my last post? A few pointers to help you.

Keep the line of communications open. Call her occasionally to see how she is doing. Don't try calling every hour or smothering her with Texts / calls. If you do she will ignore your calls / texts.

Try not to bring up R talks with her. Try to keep the communications light / pleasant. Talk about R when she brings it up. The idea here is to associate us with being "safe" to talk to.

Plan B is done only after we've done our best plan A. We are months away from Plan B at this point. When we get closer to Plan B we'll discuss it in more detail.

Stay Strong!

Thanks a lot for all your support!
Great! I will do.

Update today!
I received a phone call from her doctor's office to my cell phone, asking for her to call them about a prescription because she has a UTI, and I provide them the telephone number for the pharmacy to call in that prescription this pharmacy is the close by our home. not the one close where she staying with the OM. so the next lines I will describe the exact words of our contact today! I dont know if I respond OK! please let me know!

Me: send WW txt msg: You need to call the Doctors office ASAP their telephone number 1s 999-99-9999.


Receive a phone call from WW

She ask me why they call, and I just told her that she need to call them back about a prescription for a UTI, and also they need to talk to you. they will call in in the CVS pharmacy that we always use.

WW: said ok
ME: are you ok?
WW: yes IM fine and you?
ME: Im fine thanks

WW: well thanks and bye
Me: If you need something please let me know! ok bye!


10 min later I receive a txt msg from her:

When do I need to get the medicine and how much is it?

Me respond to her TXT msg:

Im sure your health is a priority right now because of the pregnancy, the sooner the better! and I dont have any idea how much it will cost you!

-------------

So I did called the Pharmacy and ask them how much cost the medicine. So I send her another txt message:

The pharmacy is the CVS and the total is $39.78

WW reply:"thanks for being so very helpful.! (I think kind of ironic)

Me reply: Your very welcome! Take care yourself and the baby!

WW reply 20 min later: OK. I will make sure and get it when I have the money.
-----------------------
We also are building our new house in Lantana Texas, (now I dont know what Im going to do with that! and I have to be there tomorrow with the builder.
-----------------------

So I sent the WW a txt msg:

Bye the way Im going tomorrow to Lantana! Do you want to go with me and see the house? Also we can have some lunch if you want! Please let me know so I can wait for you!

WW reply: Sure. Time?

Me reply: 11 am works for you? at our house
WW reply: ok
WW send txt 5 minutes later: I said OK
WW send txt 10 minutes later: Did you not get my messages that said OK. THE TIME IS FINE. I AM CONFIRMING.

Me reply 30 min later: Sorry WW! I was talking to someone here at the office before going home! OK so I will see you at the house tomorrow at 11:00 o'clock am! Bye Now!

That's all the contact from today!!

Do you see some signs or feel something in her words?

Also, I noticed that she dont wear her wedding band and engagement ring since I confront her few weeks ago! why she is doing that?

I really trying to be strong but just to know that she stays with the OM is killing me every night!


Well, I wiil post tomorrow night about what happen when I see her and go to Lantana, I will be strong and stay cool! Also Im anxious to execute plan A! and see what happens!

Thanks for your support

God bless you!

Gustav

I want to make sure I understand this. You have been married only a year and your wife was cheating on you and became pregnant and is now having the OM's baby. She is also now living with the OM? Have you thought about an annulment?

Bryanp,

At this point we believe / assume the baby is Gustav's.

Gustav has already edited his first post where he admitted to affairs with three different women before before WW started hers. I'll put part of his origional post in the quote below.


Gustav: You are going to have a paternity test done after the baby is born aren't you?

Gustav,

I'm not usually on the boards on the weekend so this will likely be my last post to you until Monday the 12th.

As far as your inlaws not being any help: Be glad that you found out now where they stand on WW's adultery and plan on the fact that they will "support" whatever WW wants to do. This is a very common reaction for IL's. The good news is that you wount be "counting" on their support and have them let you down at a critical time.

As a matter of fact, with the history that the MIL has it is very likely that she will push WW toward divorce as MIL has "experience" in this matter and can "help" WW with this.

Mother / Daughter bonding??? (BLEECH!)

You can count of FIL to stand back where he will receieve as little collateral damage as possible! No help, but likely little interferrence.

In you last post you described conversations with WW. I thought you did an excellent job in these communications. Remember: Light conversation, No R talk unless she brings it up. NO LB'ing and watch out for DR's. We want her to leave these conversations "feeling good" if possible.

With this in mind I want to warn you of another very dangerous subject right now. THE OM. DO NOT try to defame / criticize the OM. While still in the affair your WW will jump to his defense. We DO NOT want her to do this / be put in a position to "have" to do this. It is best to avoid all mention of him at this point.

You will both have to talk about your A's with each other and learn how forgive each other. This is a long process (could last a few years for everything to unfold). I don't think that you're ready for this at this time. For right now we need to concentrate on ending the WW's A and rebuilding your relationship with her.



I see it as a good sign that she is willing to meet with you. Be on your best "Date" behaviour when you are with her. Remember: You must become the "safer" alternative.



Because she doesn't "feel" married. Remember those A's that you confessed to? Many BS's react this way.



What I'm about to say will sound harsh but I want you to consider this seriously. Now you know a bit about how WW must have felt when you confessed your A's to her (again, this doesn't excuse her A). You are now feeling the same pain that she was feeling before her A. Now that you better understand the pain that you have caused will YOU consider that and guard yourself against having any future A's?

There is a lesson in this. Don't let the pain go to waste. Learn.

I hope things go well for you tonight / this weekend. I will post again on Monday.

Stay Strong!

Hey Gustav, you still around?

How did your "date" go?

Good Luck Gustav.

Hi! Im very Sorry!

My internet service was down all this week because comcast cable broke the line that go to my house, but now Im up and running!

Have to many things to tell you, lots of things happened this week! and Im still very confused about her doings and reactions! and of course Im in pain and very sad.


Lets start! about my date with her, she show up before 11:00 am, and then I told her that we should go first to the house that we are building and then lunch. we went to see the house I was too excited, I pretty much agree on everything she said, like you right! anything all her comments, about really anything, well she saw the house and the first thing that she said was: thats not the stone that we choose for the front of the house, I told her that after we finish to walk through the house I will call the builder and I did, and they said that it will be fix!, then she didnt demostrated excitment but she saw all the new things like the cabinets in the kitchen, and all the new updates of the construcction.

We left the house and I want to take to a nice Mexican restaurant and she told me no, she didnt want that, because I guess of the pregnancy, she wanted to go to the drive thru at wendy's. so we ate a hamburger in the car. we went back home and she aske me for some money and I wrote a check for her in for small amount! and then she left inmmediatly. and I didnt see her until sunday at church.

At the church, I sit at the same place that we always sit, and she show up and asked me to more fram for her! so I moved just a little far and when the service end she left right away!

Few minutes later she sent me a txt msg thats said:

"I dont want you to talk to Pastor Tommy, I am tired of your [censored]. I also want you to either find a new church, or stop going to that service."

my reply just was I understant!


Later that night I sent her a txt msg: I hope you feeling better, and if you need something please let me know! Remember rest and eat healthy.

she reply I just had a big half gallon of double chocolate chip ice cream. SO GOOD!


Well, monday and tuesday I went to new york for a work meetings, so wednesday when I came home, oh my gosh I noticed that she came to the house and took a mirrow that was on top of the fireplace, and some food from the pantry (wierd right?). I didnt call her! also noticed that she went through my papers at my home office, of course I still dont know if she took something.

Also I decide to dont call her or send more txt msg. so I didnt hear from her until friday!

Friday morning, she came to the house, I was working friday at my home office, and she show up and start demanding this like a new card for our health insurance, anyway, she tried to get a Basoon (musical instrument) that I bought last year, and I didnt left her take it before probably she will sell it or put it on the pawn! I dont really know. so I put it inside my car. That why Im afraid that she will sell her engagement ring and the band, Im not sure.

So she took a couple chairs and a fan, put those in the car and she came back inside the house, then she start breaking in front of me all our photos of our trip to ski in vermont last january. then she left, 20 minutes later she came back! and ask me if I can give her some money for gas! an my answer was the following:

Im sorry but Im not going to subside you while you are not living here, You are living with another man, and when you want to be a wife and talk with me, and after that we can talk about money! Now you need to ask for money to him.

Then She grab her cell phone and start deleting contacts, txt msgs, all information in her cell. she took the battery drop her cell phone in the livingroom and left.

Well no way to contact her anyway!


Saturday around noon I receive a txt msg that said Its me call this number 999-999-9999 so I call and she answer, this is my new cell phone (so he gave her a cell number) she asked me when Im going to be out of town so I told her that I dont know. then she said that If Im going out of town she can come and feed our dogs. I told her that I will let her know, and then she hang up.

5 minutes later: she sent me a txt message that said:

I am sorry for everything. Please forgive me.


So in my mind still comming a lots of things about that message like is a good bye, or the she felts guilty or I dont know still very confused.

So I reply to that message:

Hon I forgive you! Hope you can forgive me too! and dont forget that I still love you and I just want good things for you! Hope one day you will come back home!


So my saturday was very sad, and then I sent her one more message: Im planning to celebrate fathers day at Kobe steaks at 2:30 pm tomorrow sunday (father's day) I will be very happy if you can come and be with me!

She did not reply my message!


Sunday (today,fathers day)

Today I went to church, same service that always we go, and same sits, just thinking if she is going to come, but she didnt came to church, so it make me very very sad! because i miss her a lot! well I left church and I went to the restaurant, wait ther for almost an hour and she didnt come either. so thats pretty much all the updates that I have for you!


I just dont know, whats going on, my wife is a very stubborn person; Im afraid that she is very involved with this man, and she will be afraid to broke that relationship, I really not what to think, I guess this week without talking to you I get confused and depress. well my internet service is working so I can be able to let you know what's going on.

Thank you thank you for all your support!


Gustav

Please contact an attorney to understand your various options. I think she is just waiting for your to go on a business trip to try to take things out of your house. I would take important documents and hide them. Just see a lawyer to understand how to deal with this situation. I think it is going to get much worse. I wish you luck.

Walkingthefield Im Looking for you! need your advice! Please!

Gustav,

Sorry, I haven't been posting much lately. I've been dealing with some of my own trials and tribulations.

I've been in and out of the hospital much more than I like the past couple of weeks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I don't have much time for posting tonight but I WILL get something together for you tomorrow.

A quick comment for you: I do agree with Bryanp about her asking for when you will be leaving. She will likely use the opportunity to move larger items. It is also a good time to talk to a lawyer about how best to protect financial assets. What I am most worried about would be shared credit cards. WS's are known to go through a great deal of money very quickly.

I think that it would be a good idea to know what your options are in your state. Then we can come up with a plan.

Stay Strong!

Gustav,

You've got mail. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Stay Strong!