Hello Piojitos - You wrote "I love my WW but have come to the conclusion that I cannot continue to live like we are." Well, I am a slow learner and this has finally dawned on me. And I deserve much less credit than you have given me. I really think that the only reason I'm hanging in here is because of DD. WH and DD are devoted to each other, and because she has a long term illness, it terrifies me to think about losing control over her meds, diet, etc. should we split up. He can't be trusted in that department. But there is no way I would seek or receive sole custody, he is too devoted to her, and she needs him. I printed out the excerpt from Surviving an Affair about NC and left it on his desk a couple of days ago, and he has said nothing. Sigh, I will raise the topic when we have some time to talk without DD around to hear us. I know I have waited too long, but I wanted to give it my best shot, so I could look back without regret. I am going to require NC as a boundary, and should he choose to violate it, I WILL ask him to leave. Stung

Intercepted a new message from OW to WH - she's drunk as a skunk, and soooooooo pathetic sounding. Sounds like a true barfly. Apparently, WH is not being straight with her about the direction he wants to head in. Hah! Maybe Dobson's Plan worked - a little?

Okay - I'm thinking of sitting down with WH (the non-communicator) and saying: WH, I want to be married to you. In order to do that, you need to commit to SF only with me. For us to have SF, however, you need to be cleared by a physician. If you can't make these commitments, we need to consider a D.

Any thoughts MB-ers?

On the other hand, maybe I'll burn OW's house down. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> Did that get your attention?

Strung,

Yes that sounds good you figure out which one.

I would also say NC as well. As long as there is contact then SF with only you doesn't seem possible.

I would say that sometimes the WS needs a good push for things to get better.

In this case maybe a good plan b beofre plan D.

Things aren't going as expected.

WH claims things are over with OW - and have been for some time. Meanwhile, I intercepted a drunken message from OW last night saying she could drop everything just to be with him . . . she loves him . . . if it was just a momentary thing for him, he should just tell her . . . she loves him . . . if he canb't love her any more, he should just tell her . . . she loves him . . . blah, blah, blah.

I confronted WH about his ongoing C with OW (without revealing my source, of course) and he said nothing was going on between them. I asked him why he was still here, and if it was because of DD, and he said "that's part of it." I told him I don't trust him. He said he didn't know what he could do about that. I said he could resume wearing his ring. He said he would.

What the heck? Does anyone know what's going on here? Or what I should do next?

You have to be really careful. I think Dobson can only be effective if WH does not see you vacillate. Think about a child. How many times can you threaten a child with punishment and not follow through with it before the child sees that you are not resolute in what you are saying.

WS's may like to fence sit. It has to be hard to be a WS - at least one that has a conscience (not all do IMO). He might be torn a dozen different ways. I am sure there is no simple answer to why he is with you still but remember that WS's are first and foremost liars. That is what they do best. It has served them well till now and they have no problem continuing the behavior.

Don't listen to anything he says. Remind yourself he is Linda Blair in The Exorcist.

If you find evidence that he is still in contact with OW, you should kick him out or else stop threatening that you will and put up with it.

On the other hand, if she is contacting him and he is not returning the contact, that is a good sign but I would have a very clear boundary that he is to immediately inform you of any and all contact. Your WH cannot stop OW from sending him messages unless he changes his number, email address, etc.

You said you don't trust him and he replied he didn't know what to do about it. That was kind of a pointless exchange. Why are you both stating the obvious?

Don't ask him why he is there because he doesn't know. Tell him you are glad he is still there and you still hope that you can make the marriage work and that he will commit to it. Tell him that trust is hard for you and that it will take time to re-establish that but you need his help to do it. If he asks how he can help, give him some ideas. What would help you re-establish trust?

That Dobson is a plan of maybe one or two at the most bullets in your gun. Fire the gun too many times and WH will realize you are shooting blanks. Everything is so dynamic right now and depends so heavily on communication between two people who don't trust each other. Your actions (and his) are far more important than your words.

Thanks Piojitos - I know you are right. I just can't seem to find any proof that WH is contacting OW. There are no calls to her (old) cell number, and OW dials *67 when she calls him. If I find proof that WH is lying to me (again) or contacting OW, he's out. I just can't seem to nail him down, and lying in wait is exhausting in and of itself. Stung