Hardwiring, hmm. Maybe not "hardwired", but definitely programmed.

I was programmed to have an A.

What do I mean by this?

I was NOT programmed to DEAL with my own life problems courageously.

I didn't have the skills to REALLY handle my marital problems nor the COURAGE to leave, so I remedied my problem with escape.

An affair may be selfish....and the result is cruel.

But most of all it is an act of cowardice.

Thank God we humans are hardwired to learn--heres to reprogramming <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />!!

An important distinction in the WHY.

WHY the WS handled their unhappy M by having an A.

vs.

WHY The WS was unhappy in the M.

Both must be answered for recovery, but they are still different questions.

I cannot read others minds when it comes to the reasons why they become involved in an affair, but I am an expert on my husbands affair.

I know that my husband was in the middle of a mid life crisis.

Brought on by the fear of aging.

The pain of losing his father,

The pain of losing his ownly sibling, a sister,

The pain of watching his mother descind into the mind robbing dementia

Being forced to watch his mother become dependent on others to provide dailey care that most humans are able to perform independently.

Watching his family disappear, one by one.

Fear of abandonment, rejection, and fear of being alone.

and add to the mix,

A wife that has grown short on empathy, creates LB's on a dailey basis, and a marriage that has been starved for years, lacking in love, appreciation, respect.

Then top it off with a person that by nature is a care-giver, and is trained to provide support and understanding to family members in turmoil over their loved ones life,

Give a side of a care-giver that does not know what proper boundries are and all this combined, she becomes the OW and my husband becomes the WS.

No one planned this, although, each contributed to the affair.

I think every human has been in a situation where there has been mutual attraction, but the difference is, that the person that maintains their loyalty to their vows and spouse is able to recognize the danger and realizes it is imperative to distance themselves from that situtation and not put themselves in a spot where it could progress further.

If either the OW or my FWS would have used proper boundries and stepped back when they realized there was an attraction towards each other, the affair could have been averted.

Such is life,

It is what it is. Sigh..............


Great Post Ark.....

I thought I'd add these thoughts from Peggy Vaughn (The Monogamy Myth):

"People often get caught up in a debate over whether people are naturally monogamous or naturally have affairs. That's a useless debate, as was clearly expressed by Jessie Bernard in her classic work, The Future of Marriage:

"Millions of words have been used to document both the naturalness and the unnaturalness of monogamy. The question...is, actually, unanswerable. We will never know if there is anything intrinsic in human nature that limits the ways the sexes can relate to one another because no one has ever survived outside of any culture long enough to teach us. Human nature seems to be able to take almost any form of marriage—or unable to take any form."

We can only understand monogamy and affairs in a societal context, in terms of the attitudes of society as a whole. Normally, when we try to understand why affairs happen we look only at the reasons why a person might want to have an affair, such as the excitement of sexual variety. But this doesn't explain why affairs happen. People may want to have affairs for a wide range of reasons, but their decision to act on those desires is affected by the values and actions of those around them.

Affairs happen in so many marriages that it's unreasonable to think they're due solely to factors within each marriage. Whatever the personal factors involved in affairs, they are more than outweighed by the significant, powerful, and pervasive societal factors. We have a responsibility to learn more about our role, individually and as a whole, in supporting the societal factors that contribute to affairs.

Bottom Line: Debating the "naturalness" or "unnaturalness" of monogamy is a way of avoiding dealing directly with this issue. Regardless of whether or not it's "natural," it's happening; so starting from there, there is much to learn."

Hi Ark

I think it is lazy to not seek reasons or facilitating conditions for any affecting occurrence.

From dissecting history intelligently we can improve our future.

as a BS I need to know what can be don ein order to decrease teh likelyhood of an affair ever affecting my life again. I do not beleive the 'hardwired' theory because we are sentien , soulful beings, able to prepare our responses to stimulus, we are not animals that we can't help ourselves.

I was in the same crap marriage as Squid. In fact I'd argue I was far unhappier than Squid as I lost her to her sporting socialising activities while she was having a LOVELY time getting her ENs met by the people in her sport, particularly OM.

I travel the world , in an industry where infidelity is the norm. I work with an meet very beautiful, sometimes beguiling women. Yet I did not have an affair.

If we're all hardwired Ark, why did Squid have an affair and I not ?

THAT'S why the reasons or "Why"'s that led up to HER decisions tree and my own are important. The next affair is a dealbreaker so learning from history how to avoid one is surely a good idea ?

I hope you're doing well, my friend. I didn;t see you follow up on the thread I responded to a month or so ago. I hope that issue is resolved now.

YES MIMI

2 thumbs up and an around the world *snap* ( reference to an old TV show 'In Living Color' )

I think this is true

and

I think that for most affairs that happen exclusive of major mental disorders, other addictions, and are first time offenses ... it is a bogus waste of precious time trying to psycho-analyse the "why"...

it is much more effective, in MY opinion, to learn the tools of how to create a happy marriage ... and just start DOING IT

going into core hurts is just more belly-button gazing while the tool box remains empty and the marriage is spinning the drain *glug*glug*

AND furthermore

I see folks here on these boards who struggle with failing attempts to apply MB tools to their marriage not realizing these tools were never meant for certain types of situations ... like chronically abusive marriages or drunken spouses & the like

or trying to Plan A a spouse on their 3rd affair

what annoys me (but that's my issue) is the thinking that MB forums can fix things that need expertise/professional IRL help ... and probably medical/psychiatric intervention as well .... and sometimes legal or law enforcement help !!!

and in that case, it is perfectly fine for MB to function as a rant-relief sounding board, but let us not delude ourselves ... we are NOT therapists here .... (and I know there ARE some therapists here) ... but they do not function as a therapist posting on a forum, because therapy must have a therapeutic relationship environment ... and this ain't it !

MIMI

YOU are correct

these MB tools/methods are awesome behavioral approach to winning marriage lottery numbers !

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Interesting post, Starfish.

Whether monogamy is unnatural to us or not, clearly societal values should be dead set against affairs because of the intense pain they cause and the damage to the FAMILY; the structure best suited for bringing up well-adjusted and happy children.

Unfortunately it does not seem to me that society comes down hard enough on adultery, in fact, one might conclude that our pop culture actually helps propagate it by telling people through books, movies, and TV that the pursuit of passion and romance should transcend any sense of responsibility or commitment.

I think it is natural to spit on the sidewalk

but I still don't want anyone doing that !

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

HIKER for PRESIDENT

Pep

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

kds..

I am much more tolerable of current issues involving the reasons of an affair...and in your case...concrete issues...the loss of a parent AND a sibling is huge...the path for the need to escape seems real...

bob...I also am not convinced that people are hardwired for an AFFAIR...but certainly selfish acts...squid CHOSE to be most selfish....but I don't know that she chose that cause she had a crappy past...vs she just chose...

I guess I don't know how to respond to post about crap in the past....related to current affair behavior...and it's not that I disregard that totally...just not sur where that belongs in the recovery process...

ark

I am more focused on things that happened way in the past being brought to the forfront for current choices...and thinking that sometimes its a huge waste of time and energy..and lets deal with here and now...here and now

Before you conclude the cause(s) has been addressed. (How's that for an evasive answer?)

Seriously, IMHO, inasmuch as the root can vary widely from case to case, there probably isn't a one size fits all answer. Depends on what the root is - shallow or deep?

Is the root limited to failure to meet ENs or failure to have sufficient personal ethics to resist having an affair despite not having ENs met?

Despite her denials, I believe my XW's affair was "rooted" in the loss of our son. Hey - I lost the son, too! So I'll throw in that another branch of the root was whatever personality traits she possessed as a result of being raised by an alcoholic mother. But wait - her sisters were raised by the same mother! As you know, I end up being the "cause."

Don't know the answers. I'll propose that starting recovery in anticipation of finding all the roots is more important than having an initial hypothesis for what the roots are. After all, what you actually find may be different.

Both partners should drive the seeking because both partners have a stake in the outcome.

Maybe I'm looking at this too simplistically. Guys are "hard wired" to find the solutions - not to analyze why the solutions are what they are. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

***So, no search for excuses - just search for means for future protection.***

Exactly.

Searching for excuses, or trying to rationalize/justify the WS's decision to cheat, is one thing.

Finding out the real root cause is simply a means to protect oneself. If you know the root cause, you can make an informed decision about whether or now you want to be involved in that situation or not.

I could "excuse" or "justify" WH's choice to ignore me for the women at work due to his poor upbringing, lack of values and boundaries instilled as a child, and growing up in poverty and therefore feeling entitled to grab anything that's free - but it wouldn't be anything but excuses and justifications.

I can *protect* myself by realizing that WH made a conscious choice to be married at home and single at work for one reason and one reason only - because he could. Plenty of other men grow up like he did but do not go on to lead double lives based on casual daily lies and deceptions.

Of course any BS wants to know why this happened so they can protect themselves against it happening again in the future.

That's very different from "excusing" or "justifying."
Mulan

By bOb -

Excellent, bOb. I was trying to say the same thing in my response just a few minutes ago.

WAT

Not for me. For me, it was absolutely essential to understand WHY I had an A, because I could not assure future honesty without it.

Granted, an A is a personal problem not a M caused problem--to be treated separately.

But to become a healthy partner, I had to become a healthy individual....and answering the WHY helped me get there.

I mean delving into discussions about core hurts HERE on MB as opposed to IN THERAPY

that was not clearly communicated

sorry

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pepperband,

Ah yes, that makes sense....can't help people here figure out such a person-specific issue.

...besides that dark path inward is travelled ALL alone...not even the BS can be of true guidance.