Thanks Mulan, I need all of the comment and critiques. I will try and do a day by day thing that Ark suggested... I know myself and it will be tough, but I will do it...

I will be asking him about his newest lie, but in a very nonconfrontational way... Just as matteroffactly as I can...

Like I said, I am a bit numb to his selfishness... I also have a pretty huge self esteem and self worth issue at this point as well... This is why I find it difficult to let go and move on...

Just sucks when one person can tear you down this badly... It is painful and I am angry and sad. I know I must move on in order to be happy, just getting there is the hardest part...

Thanks Cheated, your support is reassuring... I am getting there. I will speak with him this evening about the lie.

I must say I have a problem writing a letter b/c I don't want H to show it to Traci - I nelieve he would be that disresectful...

I want to do the Plan B - I do want to, but with DD and H being out of work (holy excuses), it makes it tough...

When will i stop making excuses, do you think??? Gosh - I will get there. I have to tell myself that baby steps are okay if that is what I can handle right now...

Again, doesn't sound like a comfort zone to me!

This will be even harder for you than the average person b/c you do have self-respect/self-esteem issues. But that doesn't make it impossible. I'm sure you realize you and your DD deserve to be happy and your DD deserves a happy mother. That is the first step.



Yes, they are ok. You take this at your own pace. And you're the only one that knows it. Even if you have to take it by minutes instead of days....I've been there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. Start where you can. Start small as you said and work you way up. This is why I said YOU need to take control. That way you do it at YOUR pace YOUR way!!!

Good luck!!

--Sarah

Just wanted to add one thing...

The comfort zone you are seeking to stay in is no longer there. It was there pre-A. But things have changed. Think about it, it isn't a comfort zone any longer. You're unhappy, disrespected, sad.

I know....I have a hard time letting things go too, but you have to let that thought go. It's not a pure thought....sorry!

--Sarah

Sarah - You are right in everything you have been saying and I appreciate your honesty and support...

There are times when I feel like he should still care about me (knowing he doesn't b/c of his actions) b/c I am his wife and mother of our DD, but I guess I should give up on that too...

I care a lot about myself, but not at the point where I am ready (self esteem wise) to let go all at once...

I just want to be loved again... I am going to start loving myself more, that should be a start, but it's sometimes not the same...

how do you expect him to do no-contact with traci when you cant do it yourself????

***I must say I have a problem writing a letter b/c I don't want H to show it to Traci***

I take it you are talking about a Plan B letter? Hey, let's hope he DOES show it to her. No doubt he has fed her lies just like he's fed them to you ("my wife doesn't care what I do, she doesn't want me back, it's over, blah blah blah.) If she sees that letter, she will know that none of that is true and that he's been lying to HER, too.

That's exactly what you want.

***- I nelieve he would be that disresectful...***

And how is it more disrespectful than what he's doing now? If he shows OW your Plan B letter, at least he will, for once, be letting her in on the truth. That's a GOOD thing!

Hang in there. This ain't half over yet.
Mulan

I'm actually struggling with this very issue right now. I hate thinking of how disrespected and uncared for I was during my H's affair.

If you think anything like me you're wondering "How can he not care b/c I would care and I do care." I always put my thinking into other people's and I have been burnt many times for it. I am finally starting to learn that not everyone thinks like me.....that sucks BTW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />!

There's nothing wrong with you feeling he should still care about you. You are very right....He SHOULD care about you and I bet deep down inside he does, he is just covering it up with his fantasy he's living in right now. WS's thinking is distorted while in the A. They're not thinking rationally or clearly.

Don't give up being cared for again, find a way to bring it back to the surface. It is there. He is the one who has to find it but you can help <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />!



And everyone here wants that same thing for you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />! We are all here to help you get there.

Nikko has a good point. I agree with her post.

--Sarah

Allison,
thanks for the updating. Have you ever read surviving an affair or listened to Dr. Harley's radio show?

He says YOU should send the OP a copy of the plan B letter.

I can't remember if you live near family or not? You need a mediator who will be the one that he talks to about visitation. The mediator will be the one to meet him at the door and pass DD to him. You are not to do that.

Right now, you and Traci are combining to meet his EN needs. There must be some she is not meeting because he still has you meeting them. In all likelyhood she will not be able to meet them either.

Your Plan B letter needs to be short and to the point. It needs to state you are going no contact with him to protect your love for him.

It also needs to state what it will take for him come back such as no contact with Traci, STD testing, complete openness with you about phone, email, etc.

It needs to give the visitation schedule and the person to contact with changes.

You can do it

Just be strong

You know, the absolute most difficult thing for me is the weekend... When H takes Mia(DD). I am with Mia Monday - Friday 24 hours a day and we have a ton of fun and I truly enjoy being with her.

When H takes her, it kills me... I know I need the alone time, and i find it quite pleasant when I have the house to myself and can run errands without Mia strapped to my hip, but I miss the joy she brings... Is that fair??

I am going to try to detach and give space to myself... I will take the leap and move into Plan B - but baby steps for me, like Ark said, day by day...

Thank you all for you helpful words, you have all given me a ton to think about and do... I will be back asking for more help and advice - for now I am off to the pool with Mia!!!

So - not in plan B yet. Still trying to get there. Prior to my deciding to to a plan B I had arranged for a couple "dates" for my WH and I... one for this Tuesday and one for fathers day... This was when I was still trying Plan A... Have a sitter for Tuesday and also for fathers day... Do I cancel????

H was a major jerk tonight when he was here with DD and I am just very frusterated and annoyed and am wondering what I am supposed to do...

I don't want to seem like a b*tch and cancel everything, cuz part of me really does want to go out, but I know it is the wrong thing...

Please - Advice needed...

Alison -

Have you written the Plan B letter yet? You will want to post it here for feedback first. I think I read that your are legally sep. already? So, you have all financial arrangements in place already??

You are NOT to weak for Plan B. You wouldn't believe how many(LemonMan in particular) thought I wouldn't go through with even the first step of Plan B. But I did it.

You can to. We will support you here.

It is your best bet for showing your WH that you won't stand for this crap any longer.

Kim

Yes, we have financial arrangements but H is very beind b/c he was laid off... I am contacting my lawyer tomorrow to get the ball rolling on a limited divorce ( I do not want a divorce) but this is the only way I can get the separation into the courts so that he HAS to pay the money that he owes...

I have no Plan B letter - I don't even know where to begin. I have his car tonight so I am going to remove the garage door opener and his key from the key chain. I also have to change the code on the garage door...

I honestly DO NOT feel ready for plan B at all...

H said to me tonight that he was being very selfish right now b/c he wasn't in our first 2 years of marriage and he was very unhappy... He said that I wanted him to change - I never asked him to change. I went through a major depression, got fat, reclusive, and assumed he would join my in my pity party, but he did not, and he resents me for that and holds me responsible for all our problems...

Anyhoo - I am no longer depressed, fat, nor reclusive, and I want good things in my life (including my H) - but my H no longer seems like such a good thing...

Please help - don't even know where to begin...

Before you "lock" him out, you need to be prepared to give him a Plan B letter. There are lots of examples.

Wait before you "cancel" plans, etc.

I've got to run up & take care of my DS, hope the experts here jump in.....

Hang tight Alison.

Kim

Oh Lord - not great at waiting but I will try... Plan B Letters - need a good one... May I plagarise someone??? I need a darn good one... Plus I need to stand my ground and kick him to the curb and let him know I will not take his crapola any more...

So please - anyone reading out there - need advice on weather or not to keep the dates...???

Alison -

From SAA:

"Dear WH,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with XX possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not thre for you when you needed me the most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end you relationship with XX once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends, XX and XX have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through XX and XX.

I askt you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You mustknow about the suffering I have endured because of you relationship with XX, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I annot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from XX and are willing to follow measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will be no reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I lvoed you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing XX.

With my love,

XX"

You should send a copy of your version of a Plan B letter to Traci with a short note telling her that you love your H and you will wait for the day when you can make him happy again.

You should personalize the Plan B letter accordingly. Do you have friends that can be a "go-between"?

Or actually, the lawyer might could do that --

Kim

You know what stinks about this whole thing, and thank you for the letter above, but I just got off the phone with H and he is just a poop... Yes, many LB's, and comments, but I am soooooo mad right now...

I told him to call me tomorrow when he drops Mia off beofe his counseling...

I just can't take his crapola any more... He said it is so hard to be "separated" when he lives so close and is out of a job. I asked him what the next excuse would be.

I asked him why we have been sparated since 12-18-05, but have still seen eachh other every day...

I asked him to let go of me... He told me to do things for myself and let go for myself...

I know he is totally right, but why does he keep coming around?? -- ok manipulation, duh?? But WHY?? Am I just reading too much into his being around all the time??

I want to just cut him off completely, I want to tell him to go "F" himself...

I just don't feel like I have the guts to do it... I want to get out of this house that we bought together and get a place of my own - not easy for a SAHM with no job... He holds the fact that he pays the mortgage over my head all the time...

What in the he11 is wrong with this man??? I asked him to just tell me if he wanted me or not and he always says "I don't know".... WHAT THE HE11 KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT???

UGGGHUUUU -- I am so mad and resentful. I don't want to look at him... I want my own life for me and Mia witout him - ANYWHERE... I feel like I can and will do fine as long as I never hear from h again...

But ow can one do that with a small child???

Good morning everyone... I really would like to have my ducks in a row before H comes to drop off DD...

Still wondering about the preplanned "dates" with H. They were planned before I was moving into Plan B...

One of the dates is tomorrow night - do I go? Do I cancel? The other date is Fathers day - what to do about that one??

Really would like some advice please!!

Spoke to H just a sec ago and he is mad cuz DD kept him up all night...

Anywho - still looking for advice on preplanned dates with H...

Anyone, Anyone??

Hi Alison,

I'll try to help. I never did a plan B but I am pretty familiar with it from everything I hear around here.

I would say cancel the plans. Are you planning on giving him the Plan B letter? I say the sooner the better. Give him the Plan B letter and cancel your plans with him.

I hear you on the being a SAHM. I'm sure it is really hard on you. I don't know what I would have done if I was in that situation. But I'm sure there are other people on here that have been through the same thing as you as far as that goes.

I hope they will help you with some advice since I can't.

I'll keep checking in on you and helping if I can <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />!

--Sarah