Cancel this one too. The point of Plan B is to have the WS miss you. This will be a perfect time for him to miss you. It is a great oppurtunity to show him what he's missing out on with you. Definitely cancel. Your DD can spend time with him but you don't need to. JMHO.

--Sarah

Okay, so I have cancelled... but get this... Just got an email from my lawyer who need 2000. retainer from me so I can legally hold H responsible for paying CS and alimony... He is very far behind and Mia and I need the money...

I do not have the 2K retainer, and whatever money H gives me has to go to bills and stuff for Mia...

I am so screwed!!!

Alison,

You don't even have your Plan B letter ready yet!! You don't start Plan B before getting yourself prepared, reading up on what it entails and PLANNING.

In many states, your WH will end up being responsible for your lawyer's fees. Since he is NOT paying CS, then you are having to take further legal action.

Also, check to see if your County/state offers legal aid. Many times you can qualify for very low cost assistance.

Have you begun drafting a Plan B letter? Alison, Plan A your heart out until you are prepared to go into Plan B.

Kim

Kim - I am doing the very best Plan A that I can for now until I am truly ready for Plan B... I know myself very well, and I am not ready, although I have canclled our "date" for tomorrow - even though I deserve a fun night out, but I know going out with H right now is not the best idea...

I have not begun drafting a letter yet, I have been reading many other Plan B letters out there, but I will have to put many pieces from different letters together to make my point...

My DD is going through something BAD right now - she is clingy and trows a major fit when I try to put her down in her crib - she has been losing it for about 15 minutes now and I am dying... And she is exhausted - her pain is killing me, but at least I am not thinking of dorky H....

I want to go get her soo badly, but I know she needs to sleep... She haas got to put herself down... This all started yesterday, she had barely gotten any sleep at all - neither did daddy (he had her last night) - but now I know I am in for it this evening...

This part or stage is so much worse than her 2 weeks of colic when she was a baby - I guess because she has emotions and I can feel them...

These times are when I wish I had someone here to hold my hand and tell me that she will be okay... I know she will be fine, but to go through this with my H would be nicer...

Hey, Alison. I think that all of the advice being given to you here, (plan B) is an attempt in helping you to bring your husband home to you, as a 100% of a HUSBAND, not who he is now.

Of course you would love to have your H there right now with you, to be there thru everything that goes on in your life. And this is how a marriage should be.

And if you really, truly DO want those days to exist, (which I know you do), you're going to have to face the uncomfortable and ugly part of this process. I know it is so very painful and scary to take those steps, but, (and a big BUT, here), if you do not take those steps, THIS will be how it is always going to be, for eternity. That is the truth.

It's like the saying that goes:

"If you keep doing what you have always done,
you will always get what you have always gotten."

This is true, Ali. It's time for change, here. Serious change, if you ever wish for it to change. And when this change has finally taken place, you will be able to look forward to the days to come, when your "real" husband is there at home with you, and being there for all of those lonely moments you are having now. Please gear up, Honey! You truly deserve 100% of something decent in your life, even if it's not your H. But if you wish for progress in your marriage, it's truly time for the moment of truth.

Best wishes to you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Jen

Jen thank you very much for your post... I do understand that it is time for a change, and I am trying to get myself as strong as I can before Plan B... I am getting into some groups, and just trying to get a life before I do it... I feel I need (for myself) to get off my butt and change my life around a bit...

Unfortunately, my mother is quickly being taken from me by cancer and I want to be able to handle everyting... Okay - so maybe this is an excuse, but I just have to wait for me.. BUT - Plan B is coming and when it does, I will be here for support...

I ordered the book, "Don't call that man".. I was told it is funny and can get you through some of the roughest times...

Once H stars working again, Plan B will be easier to achieve since he will not be around all the time.. I must say it has been nice that he has been able to watch Mia quite a bit since his layoff...

I will get over the feelings of loneliness and get on with Plan B, but before then I just have to make some changes to me first... I hope that makes sense...

Thank you again for the support...

Ali

Jen68,

Very good post. Your post is very true and you explained it very clearly.

Sometimes I come off harsh when I write. I don't intend to, but I'm glad you explained it clearly for Alison.

--CO

Alison,



Yeah, you do deserve a fun night out. Do you have any family or friends that you could go out with? It has to be very hard on you being a SAHM and going through what you're going through with you H and mother. You need some time out even if it is just staying home by yourself watching a movie and getting pizza or getting a manicure/pedicure, taking a long walk. You need that time. I hope you can get some.

I know you want your H back but like Jen said, you want him back as a faithful, loving H. When my H and I were separated I used to sit and bawl and say, "I just want to be me again." I'm sure you feel that way. The other part to that is, "I just want my H to be HIM again." You deserve it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />!

We will all be here for you through your plan B. A lot of people here have been through it and they say it is very hard but they will be here to support you when you are ready (hopefully sooner than later)!

Good luck!

--Sarah

Cheated, My IL's live an hour away so if I ever want a night off (for free) I have to drive Mia down there... But Mia is going through a really rough time right now and I don't want to mess with her surroundings any more than I have to (between H's place and my house)....

Baby sitters are very pricey so I only use them for short periods of time - like when I go to IC...

I do want to feel like me again and there are parts of me that truly do, but I know my self esteem is way below par and that is another reason (excuse) I am not ready to to Plan B quite yet...

I am joining more groups and doing more things for myself, so that I can have a foundation for when I am truly alone and in the "dark"... I must say it will be tough since Mia is so young, but I will do the best darn Plan B that I can...

I do question at times if I want H back. I do want the man I fell in love with, but it seems he has changed so much and is sooooo selfish that I will never get my "sweetie" back...

H just accepted a great position today and most likey will be starting in about 2 weeks (July 1st) so that will be my deadline for Plan B... I will get my ducks in a row before then so hopefully it won't be so difficult...

I would very much like to completely have a set schedule for H and DD and NEVER vary from it... He will be living 30 minutes away - so no contact will also be a ton easier = at least physically. I just have to remember not to answer the phone... Sometimes it's just nice to hear the voice...

I just feel like I didn't sign up for any of this.. My H, when he married me promissed to love, honor, cherish, etc. Then when we agreed to try for a baby I also believe that is a promise to be a team in raising our child. This man has broken so many promises - I have major issues with promise breaking b/c I am the daughter of an alcoholic mother... So it is immorral and wrong to break a promise. He knew how I felt about promises when he met me, so that has been a major dissapointment...

Gosh - I am sorry for running on... Thanks for your support and your opinions... I need them all and will reach my Plan B goal shortly...

Ali

The little things are really bothering me right now...

I am not in Plan B yet. H told me he would call me last evening. He never did... Not a man of his word - HATE THAT. Even if it is just a phone call...

Last week I asked him not to use a certain credit card. I checked it and he has since I asked him not to...

Mia was sick as heck last night and I was up with her for hours while H was drinking with the boys...

I believe H will get a mouthful today, cuz I am pissed!!!

Who in the he11 does he think he is??? Sorry - just needed to vent..

Almost all of us BS's have been here. I am still here to this day and my FWH and I are still together. It hurts like he11 for someone to choose this path for you especially when that someone else is one of the people you love the most and committed your life to!

It hurts and it is painful, there's no doubt about it. It's not fair! But you have to understand your H doesn't see it the same way. All he's thinking of now is himself and how to make himself happy. It disgusts me too!



These are not little things, especially to BSs. You have every right to be angry with him. But if you are in Plan A, be careful <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />!



He doesn't even know who he is. If he did, he would be home with his loving, caring wife and daughter spending time with them.

You can vent anytime. You have to!!

--Sarah

Why does one have to be tested so thuroughly at times... I am sitting here watching "So you think you can dance" and I realize that I won't be able to dance with my dad again (his legs are bad), my mom is dying before my eyes, my DD has major separation anxiety, and H is a selfish fool...

I feel like the f'ing world is weighing on my shoulders and I feel like I may just break... Good gosh, all the sayings are coming to mind, "what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger", "God would give you anything you couldn't handle"...

Well, I am terribly alone, lonely, sad, mad at the world... All trying to do this with a freaking smile on my face -- not sure how much longer that smile will last...

My birthday is in July and I swear, if 32 isn't better than 31, I am going to lose it... I know that I have control over myself and my life, but right now I feel as if I am in the middle of a whirling tornado just being thrown about with no where to land - and God knows when I do finally land, it will be a damn hard landing...

Really just venting again... Just feeling very low right now..

Alison -

Things will get better. I know it seems pretty dim right now, but believe me they will get better.

Regardless of the outcome of your M, you need to be strong for you and DD. I have been at the low points that you are feeling right now.

Check with your local church. They might have a Recovery group for people who are going through different situations and hurts. Usually they offer free childcare.

Kim

Thanks Kim, I want to just run to my H (the old one who gives a sh*t) and tell him to hold me and let me cry... He used to always be there for me, but now I know I have to get through all of this on my own...

H asked me if I wanted him to go with me to see my mom and I said no, that I could handle it on my own... Besides, my mother cannot stand him and does not even want to speak to him...

H is such an as* about it too. Can't believe he doesn't care that he will never see my mom again - the woman who treated him like a son for years. And H barely asks how she is doing, etc...

Anyway - my feelings are all over the place these days... I am learning to deal with my pain and anger by myself and that is good, but very lonely..

Alison,

I know how hard it is for you. It is very painful what you are going through and you are at one of the lowest points right now. Your feelings are all normal. Your life partner and best friend betrayed you. That is a hard, hard fact to accept. It takes a long time, especially when your H is still in the fog. I hope he comes out of it for you. I hope the Plan B will do that!

Remember, it is a roller coaster ride. It is amazing how feelings can change so much. Are you on and anti-depressants? I am not a medication person, but it got to the point where my friends and family told me I really needed to and I did. It has made a world of difference. They really help me. They help to stabalize my emotions.

Mia deserves a healthy and stable mother! Keep yourself together and stay strong. God has a plan for you and you will be happy again!!

--Sarah

Okay - still not in Plan B and everyone (not here - all my friends and family) are mad at me for being so weak. But as many of you know, it is difficult to really do what you know you SHOULD do...

Anywho - My H is being such a major jerk right now... He knew I was working today - I had told him it would probably be a late night... I got off early and let him know that I was on my way home... He was taking care of DD and knew he had to all weekend b/c I was working...

He had the nerve to ask me if he could go out for a few hours, Me watch DD, then he would come back here to sleep since I have to wake up at 530 to go to work...

I told him that I could not answer his question, that he should now what the answer is... Told him, just b/c I got off work early does not mean his DD responsibility is over... I am so tired of him thinking that I am just gonna be here when he needs/ wants to be free... All he ever wants to do is go out and be fun and be social and drink beers...

I am so tired of his immature need to be free with no responsibilty... He then said, "well, I guess us being flexible with eachother with DD is out of the question"... WHAT??? Are you kidding - I have been on my f'ing feet all day, I want to rest, have to be up at the crack of dawn and you want to go out and have fun and neglect your word and your DD for some drinks - I DON'T THINK SO....

This guy is the most selfish of all humans.... I have never met anyone like him... I am a very selfish person, but I do not lie and I am very giving... He, on the other hand, is a total liar and only thinks of what will make him happy...

I swear I am getting there - you know - to the straw that breaks the camels back... I feel like I am the kind of person who learns hands on - who has to go trough all the BS to truly get the picture.. But I am getting there... H makes it easier and easier...

Venting again - just needed a place to get it all out... Not wanting to burden my sick mommy as usual -- thought I would spare her a night...

Alison22,
Hang in there. Your daughter and your mother need you to be strong, healthy and composed.

My WH has the identical tendencies of your WH. You are not alone! It's so sad how similar their poor judgment and behavior are. Geeze, I thought I was reading my own story.

You need to remain strong even when it seems easiest to give up. When my WH told me he wanted me to "kick him out" so he'd have the "easy way out," that was when my mind was made up to make it as difficult as possible for him. That meant not filing for D, not getting raging angry at him and treating him with respect, although he doesn't deserve it. Gosh darn it, we made a commitment to be with each other "for better or for worse" and I'm sticking to it.

I have my good and bad moments but I am doing everything I can to make the M work. It's a constant rollercoaster.

Stand firm, we're here for you.

Thanks Ready2wait, What is it with these guys of ours??? My H has been very sweet lately, but I feel like he has alterior motives for it... I asked him why he was being so nice to me and he said it is b/c I am being nice to him...

I think I am gonna call BullSh*t on that b/c I am always nice. Sometimes I lose it emotionally and he will get the brunt of it, but that is what and H is there for, right??

I have been doing so much reading and research and going to friends and family for support through all of this and everyone says the same thing, "he is not going to change, don't wait around, get on with your life."

Why is it so hard to do that? I truly do want my marriage, but I do believe that my H won't change and that too much has happened to reconcile so why are we even still talking and hanging out... Still not in Plan B obviously, but getting closer... But even if I do Plan B I am still not sure I want him. I know he is not good for me. I have pictured what my life would be like if we stayed together and I don't see it being happy or good b/c I will always have trust issues since H is not willing to prove he is trustworthy...

My girlfriend bet me 500. that I would only answer one text message from him and one phone call in a 12 hour period. Boy, does she know me well. The bet isn't until Monday, but it is going to be tough b/c I get angry when he has Mia and doesn't answer the phone, and H will say the same thing and tell my I am a hypocrite...

UGHHH - I am so tired, worked all day in 90degree heat doing flowers for a beautiful wedding... I am exausted and I cannot wait to get into my yummy bed...

I hope everyone is having a nice weekend...

Alison