TH,
That would never happen,like the other's keep trying to get through to you, you hurt your wife in the worst way possible. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Think about it, put yourself in your wifes shoes or think of it if the situation was reversed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> For example, How would you feel if your spouse had cheated on you, and got pregnant from the A, kept the baby and had contact with the A person, the AP was told things about you and now wants you not to be around that child. Wake up!!!
Your wife needs time to heal, she's a human being not a machine!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> My God you had a child with someone other than her, do you really think she's going to jump up and down with joy!!! When your married your supposed to not have children with anyone other than your spouse, duh.
Your lies to both these women are what caused this situation. Your priority should be your wife, and all the children, not AP.
We believe in and have C with OC. Xow was presented with a united couple(H & I)and was told contact with OC would be with all of us, or none of us and we never backed down. She eventually agreed and respects us for sticking to our guns. I actually talked to her the first night of contact, and we discussed everything. if you have further ?'s feel free to ask. I love my OC and our children very much!

Then the problems here are admittedly caused solely by you, correct?

You have caused the "saintly" OW - and I use this term with respect because you have yet to say anything to the contrary- to view your wife as evil.

You have portrayed your wife as the bad guy.

If she truly isn't..then you need to stand next to her...give her the time that she needs and THEN present a united front if you can in accepting OC into your lives.

Eibrab

I'm new here....and can see that this topic has generated alot of dialogue.

It always does CalifWoman. Welcome to Marriage Builders.

Infidelity.

Such a devastating situation. Add a child into the the mix and the pain quadruples.

No perfect answers. No magic solutions. And painful for all.......

Thank you for the welcome :-)

taking care of your marriage ~~~> you take care of your children

from the article:

" If parents love their children, and want the best for their children, they must do everything possible to preserve their romantic relationship. That means caring for each other must be their highest priority -- they must meet each other's intimate emotional needs. It's not a choice between caring for each other and caring for children. The reality is that if you want to truly care for your children, you must care for each other. "

LOVE your kids ??? (all 3 of them) ~~~> then WORK on your marriage

not just "hanging on for dear life" .... but work on your marriage in ways that will make it a beautiful garden where healthy/happy kids can grow

ROLE MODEL healthy adult love for your kids

Pep

When you betray your wife, you simultaneously betray your children.

When you talk about your wife in unflattering ways to the OW, you betray your sons.

Your HOME & your FAMILY need YOU ... if you put great effort into your HOME ... all 3 of your children will be better off.

YOU can do it.

Pep

I think she would still have a issue, cause if was really honest with you, and no how wonderful and smart OW is, she would admit that she dont like the idea that she is not the only mother to this child, cause yes while you are still married your wife is the step mom! You and OW without giving your wife the choice made her with this, and it does in some way bother the OW knowing that they are not the only mother to her child.

This is it Bubs...this is what I was trying to say....

Pep needs to get out of my mouth and quit swiping my words.....btw, Pep, I'm missing a piece of gum...check your shoe.

Will respond to your questions of me on a previous page. Apologies for seeming to abandon you - I spend NO time on the computer at home. Home is for being with familia and the Wookie.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

- Kimmy

So many people do not see this. My h's actions have devestated our children. Adultery without children, that should be kept private and the COM never really need to know about it. But when you throw in more children and continue to be deceitful about the children, it rips apart the COM's sense of worth, trust, value, etc.

Sadly, in my situation, my h and ILs can't see it and want to accuse me of turning our 2 d against them, when in fact I have went out of my way to encourage forgiveness and open communication because I don't want our d to carry the hurt and harm into their adult relationships with men. It probably will no matter.

Ann

[color:"blue"]>'Nother note to Mr. T<

I

learned

everything

I

know

from

Pep

- Kimmy [/color]

Hi Kimmy

[color:"blue"] Afternoon! [/color]



I gather this point is lost on a lot of the ladies here.
I do fear this is lost on MY W as well. The question for me is, will it stay lost.

[color:"blue"] I don't think it's been lost on anyone. I do think that many here are very early in their healing processes. Please try to remember that, yourself. [/color]

Based on this fear, yes, I have forced the issue.
Not sure how I will resolve this one. The weekend of July 1st 2006 I will be able to see the D on a legit level. It will feel good not to have to sneak around. Wears you down.

So far MY W is not allowing me to bring the boys. I thought about pushing the issue but now kinda thinking I should be grateful for what I got.

[color:"blue"]I kinda think that the fact that you are going, and she hasn't put a boot up your butt is a GOOD sign. But I'll lay even money that she is feeling very unsafe about it...and her feelings will only get worse if you decide to do this without her (or POJA first). [/color]

Not making any promisses, but that is where I'm leaning.


Must be some great luggage :-)
I have plenty of baggage myself! Can't say I like it to much however ;-)

[color:"blue"] It's Prada....betcha didn't know they make a line specifically to be carried under your eyes... [/color]

Other questions:

With only having one of the OC's, are there 2 OW's involed?

[color:"blue"] No. Only 1. He was twisted...but not THAT twisted, thank goodness. [/color]

The OW in my case is a great mom ( I feel the blood boiling here in the forum). I would never try and get the D. What is the situation with your OW's?

[color:"blue"] She is a walking, talking nightmare. NOT a good mom. Told him she got pg on purpose to run me off...that kind of not good mom. Has 6 kids total, they are her only income, that kind of not good mom. Whines about not seeing the babies, but on her days to have them, we have them b/c she "needs to have a life." Mija has consistantly had lice since she was 6 month old, that kind of not good mom... [/color]

Are they truly wacked out, or reasonbale people who did really stuipid actions?

[color:"blue"] Whacked out on a grand scale. [/color]

Were they really out to steal you H?

[color:"blue"] Yes. [/color]

Call me navie, but isn't a single man an eaiser target?

[color:"blue"]You'd think. She is also still married...but lives with ANOTHER OM. [/color]

How does this imapct you on the money side?

[color:"blue"] Doesn't matter. The money isn't the issue. The children and what is best is. I'd go nekkid making sure they had clothes. I'd not eat before they'd go hungry. Sometimes...when I'm really masochist...I wish I could scoop up all her kids and do the same. [/color]

MY OW, was fair to me and my family. Thier is enough for support, but will not bankrupt us. For the most part we have used her lawyer ( boy am I going to hear it now ).
Yep, no DNA either. Yes, I know she is mine. To look at her it's obvious.

[color:"blue"] We have DNA with mija. We didn't want to know with mijo. Wookie stepped up, told the courts he was his and spit spot (like Mary Poppins dusting her hands) he was ours all nice and legal. Knowing her, and the timeline, there could be a good chance mijo isn't the Wookie's...but we/he love each other...and he needs us to be there for him. Otherwise, he'll be lost like the other 4. [/color]


[color:"blue"] Spit spot again. What're you doing right now to fix stuff. You're going on and on about the past and OW and all that...and yeah, people wanna hear that...but I don't really. Like I said about the puppies...doesn't matter to me. I know you've done [censored] things...everyone who runs around does...they treat their loved ones like 2nds, or they snipe or carp or dwell on bad things....but it doesn't matter because I KNOW and EXPECT that. What have you done today to help your marriage?

Have you made an appointment with the Harleys? What did you do this weekend? How are you going to prepare your boys...and someday your girl....

All of these...these THINGS are important NOW!

You've winged it too long, imo. It's time for a real, live PLAN!

Routing for you,
Kimmy[/color]

Ann- It does matter. Just because you cannot see an actual outcome doesn't mean you weren't supposed to try.

You KNOW this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

- Kimmy

Trouble H...IT'S NOT LOST...

I bet you will find that MOST of the ladies here have Contact with the OCs...but they did it the right way. They worked on their marriages and then on building a relationship with the child. Marriage #1, Building Relationship #2....and the MOST important part is that it all wasn't done in 4 months. It took time, blood, sweat, tears....some of the ladies here who have some of the most MEANINGFUL relationships with the OCs probably started off EXACTLY as your wife...but they, unlike your wife, knew that they counted and that their H's loved them and would be there to help them through this...I don't think your wife may have that same feeling.
Capice?

While I was catching up on the post I was thinking the very same thing, that many on here do have the realationship with OC that he is wanting, but they also have the realationship in their marriage that he wife is wanting.


early in recovery, old vetren, newbie or whatever dont think it was lost on any of them, there is not any one saying that he shouldnt have C with OC just to fix the marriage first


LOL that cracked me up.... thanks for the laugh!!

Wow! There were so many responses to this, I had to take a peek. I have not read every post, so some of my insight may be repetitive, but here goes...

You and your wife definitely need some counseling. From the few responses you have written, I hear a man who is not truly ready to recommit to his marriage. If you cannot put your wife before the A then there is little hope. However, the fact that you are here listening to dozens of women in the same boat as your wife speaks volumes.

It has been over 5 years since I learned about the A and OC. My H relationship with other woman was less than a year. It was never an A of love though. Exow was fulfilling a need that I was not. I recognize this now, but I still have my days.

For me, the oc is not the issue. I believe that the oc and the bs are the innocents in this. They did not ask for these circumstances nor are they to blame. Your oc does deserve to have a relationship with you, but don't push that relationship on your W who is still attempting to come to terms with all that has occurred.

If she is anything like I was, she is doubting her ability to make good choices. Why is she staying with you at all? Doesn't she respect herself enough to walk away? These were questions that I asked myself every moment of every day for the first year. I still have doubts on occasion. She probably had her entire response planned out for a worst case scenario and believe me it wasn't staying with you! I never in a million years believed that I would remain in a marriage that had infidelity little own a child!

You really have to learn some patience with this situation and I definitely agree that you need to fully comprehend, if you are even capable, of all you have done to your family..and I do not mean the oc or ow.

Keep posting and good luck!

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thinking is good <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Oh wow TH that is the best post you have put on here!! It does sound like some hope!!!!

I am so glad to hear that there will be no more contact! I have read some where that when a person has a affair that they do go thru withdraws from the OW, cant say if that is true since my H was a one night stand, but have read many articles that is what happens. and the best thing with them withdraws is NC with OW, you have made a positive step by deciding that!!

That right there will help with your W, it will still take some time, you have a long road of work ahead of you, but so does your W. You both will being going thru alot but with 100% comment on both sides it will find the right road. But dont be surprised with one step forward you go two back.... but those times will get farther apart.

There is hope for the marriage, I do love my husband with every tiny piece of my heart, and yes I have forgiven him (99%) for doing the one thing I swore I would never forgive for, forgiving is really the easiest part it is the forgetting that is so hardest. The littlest thing can set off a memory, but the marriage I have now is the reward for all the hard work.

I do think it would be a great idea for your wife to join, so she can see how she feels is understandable, sometimes when your confused it helps to hear from others who has been there on what you should do. Even if she doesnt want to post just reading all the threads will help her. And we can help her, like we want to help you.

I hope to see some more positive post from you and since the first step is taken I hope you continue with the baby steps!!