movie dates

truthfully

films nowadays often have hidden infidelity tucked away that you cannot detect from the trailer...

so

a much "safer" date at this juncture

music
concerts
bowling
golf
hike
picnic
window shopping
bookstore


can I ask you a personal question?

Pep

Ask away.

Oh.

Wait.

That's not for me to decide.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

- Kimmy, who's on pins and needles wanting to know what "personal question" Pep is gonna ask.

Kimmy said it was OK ... so here goes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Have you & Mrs T resumed making love?

if not ... resume already!

Sexual intimacy is a very big struggle for the BW ... and the sooner you two get on that horse & ride as a couple ... the better.

it ain't easy cowboy ... but it really helps recovery

and ... expect trouble in paradise for both of you

things will "trigger"

(are these cowboy references unending ??? )

but the deep authentic feelings that will get triggered in the gut for both of you MUST BE ridden out

there is no better way to drop the sissy crap & conflict avoiding in recovery than getting nekkid & getting it on ... and face the mucic that that level of intimacy will provoke

as Nike says

JUST DO IT

there will be teary sex
angry
sex
and just sex

and everything in between

use sex as a tool to breathe life back into intimacy ... the walls of Jerico will fall .... and you will actually SEE each other & take the risk of letting down your guard

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pep

MY MENTAL EYES!!!!!!!!!!!


I'M BLIND....I'M BLIND...


(or was that blonde)


Nuuuummmmm!

Angry sex...

LOL!

Through out the day give her little hints that you want her, wink at her, stare at her, touch her when you walk by, pamper her, compliment her.

Dont go at it on a day when you both had a long day and are pooped, make sure you have plenty of time.

Foreplay like crazy

And while you at if you feel her freeze up whisper her name (when she does the image of you and OW has came into her mind) hearing your voice and her name will help.

If she crys dont get mad and turn your back... Hold her, kiss away her tears if she will let you, if she wants left alone still dont roll over, let her cry and when she is done reach out and lay your hand on her and leave it at that.

If all goes well spend a few afterwards holding her and telling her how good she made you feel.

Those images that pop into our head during sex is the hardest part we have to deal with, and we get angry that the image that we wished would go away popped in and ruined something special, but there is no control button for it.

But with patience on your part will get better.

That's the sweetest thing I've read in awhile TS.

And so true, too.

I think that is the hardest part at least for me to deal with on a A.

During the day you could stay busy and try to keep it out of mind.

But during sex..... for one you wonder if they are thinking of the OW while they are making love to you. Hearing your name helps knowing that they are thinking of you.

And all the other feelings is cause no matter how hard you try that image pops in and then I would get hurt or right down ticked off cause she intruded on the most percious, most intimate moment, that a wife and husband could share

YEZZZZZZZZ

and because it is equally difficult and essential for survival of the marriage ... the sooner the better...

to delay making love is to delay recovery

I have a ton of ideas about this .. and some of them might gross out Mr T ... so I hold my hand over my mouffff <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Also remember that she may start crying at the beginning, in the middle and at the end....I would cry like crazy when having relations with my H....it made me think of what he was doing with the OW...and it hurt....you can talk about it, but maybe just holding her will be enough.

yeppers ... and Mimi & I had a provocative and productive discussion about this very topic that I don't think Mr T needs to hear ... but MRS T could certainly benifit from this sista-to-sista sharing of the power!!!

ride 'em cowgirl ~~~~ this is where the boots come ON Kimmy !

LOL

anywho ~~~ there are some "tricks" that I learned & shared with Mimikins .. and they totally worked for her ... so there is hope

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

and more ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pep

Yep you can do that, for me tho I wanted to talk about her or the A anytime...anywhere... when I felt the need... but not in my bed, one place I felt she didnt belong. The holding was for the comfort during my grieving. It was good enough for me cause sometimes actions speak louder then words.

But that is me and everyone has different ways of handling things, if she starts to talk then listen to her and let her know that you are sorry and that you are such as my husband would say for being a jerk

And the anger..... I would get up a pace or slam things... H would get up and wait it out..... I have a bad habit when i get mad I start cleaning house, he would get up and without a word start helping me..... it didnt matter that he had to get up early in the morning and it was 3 am he would stay up with me and not go to bed until he knew it was out of my system and ready for sleep, which then he would hold me, by that time i had it out and was ready for that.

What is the rush to expose the children of the marriage to the oc? Why oh why can't you slow down here and work on your marriage? Why is it so exciting to want to sit back and watch as your children realize how fragile their family is and that daddy has hurt mommy terribly? How on earth is that exciting? Do you not care one iota for those children? Does their emotional stability mean anything to you at all?

The Wookie turned into that kind of guy once he "got it."

I love that man...um....Wookie... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

[color:"red"]What is the rush to expose the children of the marriage to the oc? [/color]

this is a very legit & important question

thanks for bringing it to light Lynne

and another way of asking the same thing is ...

[color:"blue"] HOW is this meeting of OC & COM benificial to them? ... specifically ... WHAT need of theirs is being met .... take away the pleasure YOU might get from this ... what way does it serve your children ???

without a clear answer Mr T ... suspect yourself of selfishness once again !!!

and ... unless you are prepared to mea culpa adultery to 3 year olds ... you better have planned out your explaination to your sons.

1. how will you make certain they grow up knowing adultery is WRONG?

2. what can you do to teach them that adultery is WRONG?

3. does this play date teach them that adultery is WRONG or that adultery is FUN?

Pep [/color]

and what TH will hopefully turn into too



at this point in their marriage, nothing but his own pleasure. That i can see of anyways.

I seen and still do see the pain in my boys eyes, and they dont even know about the A!!! All they know is the man that they worship the ground he walks on left them for a couple of days. Still even after all this time we find out cause one son who was struggling in class said to the school counslor that he could not get that out of his mind and he was scared it would happen again. God what i would do to take every little hurt and fear from them and carry it myself!!!!!!!!

And my husband has to live with the guilt, it hurts him terriably knowing he caused so much pain on his family for a 1/2 hour of lust. I have said that he has cried many times since then but it has been in front of me and the boys, but when the school counslor told him that he didnt break down with a few tears he sobbed! He forgot about his ego and broke in front of strangers.

This is only a taste of the pleasure that your children have to face

Hello All,

Well my W decided she could not deal with the boys going with me after all. I did not argue the point, I just said that perhaps we could address this at another time.

It no secret to anyone how I feel about all my children.
I love them all. The shame of the A belongs fully to me.
When they do ask about how D can be thier sister. I will explain that I am her Daddy like I am thier Daddy, she just has a differnt mom and she need to live with her Mommy like you boys live with your Mommy.

If a six year old is able to comperhend more, then I will be honest about my mistakes and poor jugdement. My action were a mistake, my D and your Sister is not. She has no shame to bare, that is on me. I won't place blame to someone else.

In the bigger picture of things, don't we all have children for selfish reasons. I don't know about all of you, but I get great plesure from all my children. I would not give up any of them. (I know this is going to get quoted :-))


About Sex,

More than ever before!!!!!!!!!
My W is a good looking woman. Never had a problem with attraction. There were "dry" spells during my 4 years of the A, and a few during the last 4 months, but this week has been pretty busy.

Not to say I would not like it busyier! But it has been more than it ever was before.


There is nothing like a "hair pulling, head banging session " to get over things, unless you do it a couple of more times in a night ;-) I may be 36, but I like to keep shooting till the "gun" is empty ;-) (and you were worried about making me blush)

Yes, there are often more "affection and foreplay" times too.

It has always been about weather I can feel safe confiding in my W where I feel unsafe or troubled. It is difficult to share your most private feelings with someone who has belittled you for having such thoughts. Intamacy is a hard thing to get to when you fear being mocked.

I often wonder if women really understand how much power they have. At least I wonder if my W does.

Once my W understood that sex was need #1, She took more "action". :-) It's helped.

BTW, were going to see Superman tonight. She thought it would be fun.

Have a good date. Thank you for respecting your W's wishes.

THANK GOD she came to her senses. She is the only one who is capeable of protecting those children right now. You seem so adament that it is oc, or to he11 with everyone else and you are out of there. Never once even stopping to consider what this will do to the children of the marriage. The damage you are going to inflict upon them is going to be HUGE. They are going to learn that Daddy is a liar and can't be trusted.

What I don't get is why you would be remotely excited to throw more gasoline on the fire at home? Kids can feel the tension in your house. They can feel the sadness from their mother. And you want to shove that oc into their faces and play happy family?????????? That is cruel.

If you want contact and your wife doesn't want contact, where is the compromise? How can you expect her to respect your choice if you wont even consider hers? When does SHE get heard? Seems to me like you have one foot out the door already.

Your poor wife.

TroubledH~~

May I throw in my two cents again?

Quote:

When they do ask about how D can be thier sister. I will explain that I am her Daddy like I am thier Daddy, she just has a differnt mom and she need to live with her Mommy like you boys live with your Mommy.


In my opinion, at your COM's ages, they are still too young to be talking about details. I think the way you put it, as above, is a good way to go. At their ages, let them ask questions when they think of them, don't try to feed them too much info....it'll just confuse them.


Just love them......love the heck out of them, the time will fly by before you know and you'll be looking back saying "Where did the time go???". I'm experiencing that now myself with my own children. Pretty soon I'll be alone and have only memories to cherish.

OH.....and you think you have it good now at 36??? The
40's are even better!!! At least for a woman they are! ;-)

I continue praying daily for you all.

--- CalifWoman