Per advice received from members of this board, cross-posted from Infidelity - Just found out.

Mods: If cross-posting is not allowed, please accept my apologies and delete
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I have been reading a lot on this site in the last couple of days. Have gained many new insights but still have a lot of questions. Maybe someone here can help me make sense of this all or just provide comments: Warning: This will be a long message. I want to lay everything out there, and do it only once. My apologies in advance.

My situation:

Me, Male, 42, BA degree, married for 15 years, 2 daughters, (9 and 4), WS 40, PhD, Dday Jun 8, 2006, but suspected A since late summer of 2005. WS has admitted that that’s when the A started.

We both work for a pharmaceutical company (same site), I am a Computer Engineer, she works for the Regulatory Affairs Dept (used to be in product (drug) development). In both positions she has had a lot of responsibilities and has had to do a lot of traveling to other company sites.

My WS loves her career, and she is a very ambitious person who knows exactly where she wants to be. As long as I’ve known her, (almost 24 years) she has been like this. It was one of the things that first attracted me to her, along with here bubbly, outgoing character. I am not nearly as ambitious nor outgoing as she is, but as they say, opposites attract.

I have to add here that the WS had weight loss surgery in 2004, and she has lost 91 lbs since that time. I’ve always found her attractive, but now with the weight loss she has become stunningly beautiful. And I’m not the only man who thinks so. She receives lots of attention from other men, and she loves it. The surgery didn’t necessarily change her personality; rather it reinforced it. She has become even more bubbly and outgoing than she was. And I guess for her it also reinforced my much more introverted personality to her. I’m convinced she no longer likes what she sees.

Our relationship changed last summer when she withdrew from me. First suspicions of something being seriously wrong occurred when she would close her laptop computer screen when I walked past. To me this was an obvious indication that she was hiding something from me. When I asked her about this, her response was: “Am I not allowed to have any friends? You don’t have to know everything I e-mail.” My response was: “Sure you can have friends, and no, I don’t have to know everything you e-mail, but why are you closing your screen?” Didn’t get an answer.

As 2005 progressed and 2006 started, she withdrew more and more from me. She made more trips, to Ireland and Puerto Rico, also switched positions (from drug development to Regulatory Affairs.) During all of these trips I did what I had to do and took care of our 2 girls. I’m their father after all, and it’s what I’m supposed to do. However, a thank you from the wife would have been nice, but during all of the years she has been traveling she has very rarely said those words. Sometimes I feel like a glorified babysitter, and I have told my WS so.

Over the years, we have had some fierce discussions and fights about all of this traveling. I guess I felt that she was neglecting my daughters and myself and was focusing on her career only rather than her family. And I’ll admit, I used some pretty harsh words and made some pretty bad accusations, even calling her a bad mother at one point. It was incredibly stupid of me venting the way I did, rather than trying a more constructive way to convey my feelings. I would do anything to take back those words. But they were uttered, and that was it. I can’t ever take them back and “I’m sorry” just doesn’t cut it. These words can’t be undone.

Anyway, also during the end of 2005 and the beginning of 2006, our cell phone bill skyrocketed. At least one call every day to Puerto Rico, with many days more than one call made. When I ask her about this she explains that these calls are to one of her co-workers in Puerto Rico and that they work on the same projects together. They are also very good friends. Another alarm bell goes off. I sit down with her and ask her “If there’s something going wrong between us, you will tell me, right?” Answ: “Yes.” I ask her also “If this something wrong between us, will you allow me to try and fix things?” Answ: “Yes”

In April of 2006, we make a trip to my home country with the entire family. One day, while the WS is taking her shower, her cell phone beeps: an incoming text message. Not really suspecting anything nor really wanting to snoop, I look at it: It’s from her co-worker in Puerto Rico: Te amo mucho….Now I panic. I looked at the record of her outgoing messages: “I miss you and want to be with you much” and similar messages. What is going on here?

When we get home to the US I try to approach the WS about what I’ve found out. “He is a very special friend,” the answer was. In the beginning of May 2006, I suggest MC. Her first reaction: “I’m incredibly busy and it doesn’t really fit into my schedule, but I’ll do it” Hardly a good beginning. We have our first meeting in the middle of May. I can’t really say much about it. My WS claims we’ve grown apart, hasn’t loved my in a long time, and uses all the phrases typically offered by a cheating partner. Spooky indeed.

I’m guessing the A started in August 2005. Then the WS didn’t make another trip to Puerto Rico until December 2005. Up until end of April 2006, there have been no further trips to Puerto Rico either. So the way I look at this is as follows: She is having an A, but it’s mainly over the phone. Not that it makes much of a difference, but as long as there are no other trips to Puerto Rico, I figure I might have a chance and some time to try to turn things around.

Because that’s what I want to do, turn things around. My WS is the only woman I’ve ever really loved in my life, and I can’t stand the thought of losing her, not even after finding out she’s having an A. I want to fix things and find a way to continue our marriage.

At the end of May, disaster strikes. WS has to go to Puerto Rico on 2 hours notice to try and salvage a project in which the company has invested quite a lot of money. Remember, at this time she still hasn’t admitted to an A. I suspect she’s having one, but she hasn’t admitted it yet. Before she leaves, I ask her to please think about us and all the good times we have between us. I also ask her to not put herself into a position where she’s going to do something she might regret later. Because of this emergency trip, WS misses the second meeting with the MC. I go by myself. He asks if I think she’s having an affair. I tell him yes and give him the information I have.

WS comes home for the Memorial Day. Nine-year-old daughter senses that something is wrong between Mommy and Daddy and starts asking questions. WS and I sit down with her and explain that “Yes, things are not OK but Mommy and Daddy are trying to work things out. No matter what, remember that we both love you very much. We will always love you, and none of this is your fault.

WS has to go back to Puerto Rico after Memorial Day. Again I ask her to please think about us and all the good times we have between us and to not put herself into a position where she’s going to do something she might regret later. WS returns home on Jun 2. After these two trips, I don’t really know how to approach her. We still share the same bed although we haven’t been intimate in a while. I’ve thought about moving downstairs but am very reluctant to do so because I see it as on of those things that, once done, can’t be undone. We talk around the issue, trying to be nice to each other.

Then on June 8 my world as I know it is crushed. First blow (even though I had suspected it for a long time): WS admits to being unfaithful with Puerto Rico co-worker since summer of 2005. Second blow: WS says she wants a D because “we grown so much apart and I simply don’t love you anymore.” Third blow: WS announces that company management is thinking about asking her to go to Puerto Rico for a period of one YEAR to get the derailed project back on the rails again. If asked, she will accept and she wants to take the children with her. The company will pay for housing, utilities, schools, etc. Company will also pay for monthly trips back to the mainland. WS says she would not move in with OM but get her own apartment where she would live with the children. My name isn’t mentioned anywhere in this scenario.

The most important reason she wants to accept this assignment is that, if successful, it will shoot her straight to the top of the company. It’s really a great career opportunity. I have to agree with WS. This is a great career opportunity. Also, I have no doubt that her career is the most important reason for her to accept the assignment. I’ve known my wife way longer than the OM, and I know how ambitious she is. If the OM really thinks the only reason she coming is to be with him, he is in for a big surprise.

The second reason the WS gives is that this would also be a great opportunity for the children to experience a different culture. While this may be true in and by itself, I feel that the WS is giving me this reason only to make herself feel better about what she’s doing. After all, she is in the fog. The third reason is that this would give her an opportunity to see where the relationship with the OM is going.. Sure…..

My reaction shocked her. I said I didn’t want a D, told her that I still loved her and offered to come with her. She thinks I’ve never really supported her career, and never thought that I would move to be with her. In the past when discussions about moving have come up, I always said that I would prefer to stay where I am. Maybe I should have added that I would move if I had to. I’m not sure I ever did that.

Friday June 9, I was just in shock. Don’t remember much, but we did tell the nine-year old what was up, including the part that Mommy cheated on Daddy. WS and I sit down with her again and explain again that “No matter what, remember that we both love you very much. We will always love you, and none of this is your fault.”

At night we talked some more. I expressed my anger and asked why she had never said anything to me or given me the chance to try to fix things, like she promised. I also asked her what gave her the right to take my children away from me. After all, I love them just as much as she does. I need to be with them just as much as she does. She said she doesn’t look at it as taking the children away from my but rather as offering them an opportunity to experience a different culture. Sure….

Saturday, June 10 she wakes up next to me (we’re still sleeping in the same bed, as explained above), gives me a hug and says: “Boy, I never thought I would find myself in this situation. It will be a long time before I will file for D. I am in no rush.” So what the heck does that mean?

I call my parents oversees and tell them what’s going on. In the afternoon, we go to a party of the folk dance group that the WS and I belong to. I tell the dance leader, my SIL and future BIL (also members of the dance group) what’s going on. Receive the advice from both the dance leader and future BIL I should not let my WS take the children.

Sunday, June 11, we tell my MIL, herself divorced. She cries, just like we do. WS and I talk some more about what her statement on Saturday morning meant. “Maybe I’m not as sure as I seem” and “Maybe it’s my way of acknowledging that I never gave you the opportunity to try to fix anything.”

Monday June 12, I tell my WS that my offer to come with her still stands. She says that she had never thought of me in Puerto Rico and can’t really picture it. At the same time she says that no official offer has been made and all the options are still open.

I have to step back, and stop with these conversations with her. All I’m doing is putting pressure on her and getting myself upset. Also, I don’t want to be smothering her, but at the same time I need to vent all of this to get some of my sanity back.

So here I am. I know that my offer to go with my WS to Puerto Rico while she has an ongoing affair with a co-worker from there goes against absolutely everything stated on this website. My reasons for this are simple, though. First of all, I need to be there for my daughters. They didn’t do anything to deserve any of this. Next, I think things can only get better from here, not worse. I don’t think I have anything to lose. I do love my wife and want to be her husband. I know that, even if things do work out, things would never be the same between us again as they were before and that a long period of counseling is required for both of us

There’s no false pride here. I’m doing this for my peace of mind. If things do not work out, I want to be able to tell myself and my daughters that I did absolutely everything humanly possible to save my marriage.

Thoughts, advice, input are appreciated.

I suggest you get an appt. with one of the MB counselors right away.

Moving to PR with her is better than letting her go alone.

Absolutely under no circumstances do you let her take the children without you. Some "cultural" enhancement - witnessing adultery. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> You may need to consult with an attorney to see what you need to do to prevent this.

Also - does the PR "friend" work for the same company? Sounds like it from your description.

I'll bet this company has a policy about workplace affairs?

Can you find out some info about OM? - his position in the company?

One scenario could be that one of them would be the superior of the other. Can you say "sexual harrassment"?

WAT

Verloren,

Since you have a BA and, I presume, have been rational in your work, I am going to ask you to also be rational here in dealing with your WW. Further, you are being too naïve and too trusting of your WW’s intent and plans. It is ok to feel this way since you are not used to being in this situation, but you are going to have to learn and grow quickly in the next few days and weeks.

Onto details.

1. See if you can make an appointment with the Harleys, as WAT suggested.

2. Believe nothing your WW says and only half of what you see. This is very important, so let me say it again,

Believe nothing your WW says and only half of what you see.

Your WW is a liar right now, and should be regarded as such.

3. Forget about your wife’s ambitions. She will have to quit her job if your M is to survive. No contact is a requirement for recovery. And since your WW and OM purportedly work together, one or both will have to leave the job if your M is to have a chance. There are no shortcuts to this. Experiences have shown that without NC, there will not be recovery.

Keep in mind however that OM may not really be working with your WW’s company. You don’t know since you only have WW’s words, and she is just not credible right now. You will have to investigate this on your own.

In any event, one of the most important things you need to do right now is to wrap your mind around the concept “NC”.

4. Under no circumstances do you let your children go to Puerto Rico. Do not believe the promises that your WW makes to you in this regard. They are all lies and are designed to appease you in making it easier for WW to replace you with OM as the male figure head of the family. If you don’t mind that, than by all means let WW go with your children to Puerto Rico, under whatever pretext you accept.

It also makes no sense for you to go to Puerto Rico. Your WW has shown little concern for the M and you. Going to Puerto Rico will only help her pursue her A, at your expense. You will in fact enable the A if you go down there. For all you know, there may not be a crisis at her company in Puerto Rico; it could all be a ruse to be with OM. Do not underestimate what a WS will do to continue their A. And even if WW is being truthful on this score, going there will not help your M in anyway.
Further, going to Puerto Rico will definitely hurt your custody case once WW can demonstrate that the children have established residency down there. You go there at your legal peril.

And the claim that WW will get her own place is hogwash. Again, this is meant to appease you into agreeing with the non-agreeable. At most, WW and OM will have their own residences while OM sleeps over every night at your WW’s place, while your children sleep in nearby rooms.

Please open your eyes to WW’s plans here. Living in denial and being gullible will not change the facts. More on this in (6). I know you may not know much about how infidelity works, so I suggest you read many of these stories of this site and learn about the lies and the moves that WS make to get their ways. You’d be surprised what they do.

5. Get a lawyer ASAP. Learn what your options are. I know you want to save your M, but you need to start doing what it takes to protect your CHILDREN and yourself.

6. I notice that you prefer to deny the facts when they don’t correlate with what you want to believe, but to survive this you are going to need to face reality for what it is, and not merely what you want it to be. Facing reality, though painful at times, will serve you better than living in denial.

In this same vein, as aforesaid, your WW is liar right now and you cannot rely on her words or promises to you. It is irrational and foolish to trust an untrustworthy person. And your WW has surely proven that she is an untrustworthy person, at least as of August of last year. The sooner you accept this fact, the sooner and the better you will be able to deal with your sitch.

7. Learn about Plan A and start to implement it.

8. Very important: EXPOSE. You are going to have to continue to expose this nonsense to close friends and family. And you are going to have to expose your WW’s adultery to her work. Yes, this may be detrimental to WW’s career, but you are going to have to decide soon anyway what is more important to you, your WW’s career or your M.

And, yes, this is going to be an either/or decision. You will not being able to have both, given WW’s adultery.

9. MAN UP. You are going to need to grow a Pair. You are going to need it, trust me.

That is all for now.

WAT, UVA, Thanks for your replies. I've had some 'net problems, so please accept my apologies for the delay.

Here's what happened since I last posted: WAT and UVA, it should answer your questions

1) Today I spoke w/ XXX from HR. He knows WW very well. They have been in meetings together. When she wants to hire someone, he is the HR person she works with. Mentioned to him that there is inappropriate behavior going on between WW and OM. He said he really couldn't discuss because of confidentiality concerns; basically, not allowed to discuss other company personnel (WW/OM) with me. He too, referred me to YYY, another person in HR. XXX basically blew me off.

Spoke w/ YYY. The only policy that company has regarding relationships in the workplace is that if a manager gets into a relationship with a subordinate, it needs to be reported to management. Other than that, there is nothing.

Well, WW is not OM’s manager. They don't even work in the same department. They just work together a lot. YYY explained that if I feel that the relationship between WW and OM is resulting or could possibly result in an ethics violation (ie, WW pressuring OM to enter incorrect results in a report or something like that), I can call the company compliance hotline.

I don't think that will happen. They're both too smart to do that...

When I asked YYY about her confidentiality requirements, she told me she that she and XXX are not allowed to confirm or deny to WW that I was even in their office.

2) Had my 3rd meeting w/ my MC today. I guess it is a personal counselor at this time. Anyway, UVA, he pretty much said what you said, including the fact that I should "grow a pair" as you so elequently phrased it. It's funny how he used phrases I've seen all over this board "She is a cake-eater". It gives me some confidence that I've come to the right board to vent and to ask for advice. Am currently reading and thinking about exposure, PLAN A and B etc. Will order Dr. Harley's books.

3) Do have appointment with attorney tomorrow to set up restraining order prohibiting my WW from taking the children out of the country without my permission.

You guys / galls have been great so far. Keep them coming...

V

Verloren,

Any chance the OM is married?

Exposing to the spouse of the OP is very effective in stopping the A.

kirk

I am glad to see that you have decided not to let WW take the children to Puerto Rico. This is a very good move on your part. I am also happy that you are seeing an attorney to explore your legal options and learn about your rights. That is a good step.

You need to expose to close friends and WW’s family today. Your primary goal is to bust up the A, and exposure goes a long way in contributing to that.

I would also follow up at WW’s work by going over the HR’s people heads and write several letters to the top officials of the company. They may not stop the A, but I guarantee that their knowledge of the A will put a big damp on it. From now on, OM and WW will always have to be on the lookout, as their superiors and peers would be watching them. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by pursuing this, so if I were you I would continue creating heat for the A at WW’s work place.

You probably should get a PI in Puerto Rico and find out the real status of OM. As you can’t rely on your WW’s claims of what is the case, you need to do your own investigation.

Further, continue to monitor WW’s e-mails and phone calls to and fro OM.

Good job on exposure at work. That’s a good start.

Met with attorney today. Was a big day. I never thought I would find myself in this situation, and even though the meeting was good, I am actually feel very, very sad tonight.

To summarize: As soon as I find out that the company is officially going to offer for WW to go to Puerto Rico for a year, a petition will be filed for a stay that would prohibit WW from taking the kids out of the county (yes, that is COUNTY) w/o my permission.

Counsel asked about what the current arrangements are when WW goes on business trips. Explained that I take care of both children; pick them up from day care / after school care, feed them, bathe them, check their homework, read them stories, put them to bed etc. Counsel asked about frequency of the trips and if WW is a good mother when she is with the children (She is). Counsel thought I had a pretty good case based on what I do for the children and the frequency of WW's trips, although there are never any guarantees.
Counsel recommended I retrieve the childen's passports and keep them in a safe place. (Done).

Asked about recording devices etc. Not a good idea and not needed at this time since I already have evidence of adultery and WW has admitted such.

Asked about exposure at work. Counsel recommended against it, as company management may very well decide it's not worth dealing with either WW or myself and fire both of us. Don't want either one of us to lose our livelyhoods.

Asked about keyloggers and such. I am on very shaky legal ground here. Since WW does all of her e-mailing etc. from a company-owned laptop, I would be violating all kinds of non-disclosure and confidentiality agreements that I'm bound by as an employee of the company. Again, counsel said the information isn't really needed at this time anyway since I already have evidence of adultery and WW has admitted such.

Asked about the legality of just monitoring traffic as it passes thru my router, w/o installing any keyloggers on WW's machine. Counsel didn't know but said she would try to find out. (Note, it's very easy for me to disable internet access for WW's computer completely. I don't think it would be illegal, since it doesn’t involve manipulating anything on her computer. I also think it wouldn't make much of a difference since WW is smart enough to know how to connect to an unsecured wireless network (my neigbor's) instead.)

We left it as follows: No immediate action will be taken. At the moment I find out the offer for WW to go to Puerto Rico for a year has actually been made, I will contact counsel, who will file the stay within 24 hrs. I also checked with the county court. No record exists, so WW hasn't filed for divorce yet.

It seems that I'm in a holding pattern right now. I'm not doing anything right now, but as soon as I find out that an offer to go to Puerto Rico has been made, I intend to hit WW with a 1-2 punch: Stay + exposure to friends and family at the same time. We'll see what happens. Wish me luck.


Krusht, thanks for your response. AFAIK, OM is not married, and I really think that the WW is speaking the truth here. Will try to verify, though.

V

Verloren,
MDC had mentioned to me how similar our situations are. Wow. They do have some striking similarities. Unfortunately the OM in your situation is not married. That is what really ended up breaking my case wide open. Sounds like you are getting plenty of good advice on your thread though. Feel free to look over my shoulder if it helps.

One thing I wanted to comment on was your "MC turned therapist". That sounds awesome that s/he uses the phrases like "cake-eater" etc. Sounds like you really found a good one. My MC was a big softy. A real dud in the sense that although *I* was naïve back then, the MC should have still picked up on my WW's infidelity. But then again maybe WW is just that sharp with her deception.

But try to stay positive. Sounds like you have some other good strategies cooking.
--d2m3b.

Glad to see that you went to see a lawyer. I am not clear about a couple of things.

What is the evidence of the A that you have that you can use in court?

When you say that your WW admitted to the A, do you mean that you have it in writing that she did, or are you referring to her spoken words to you? If you mean the latter, your lawyer’s worth is suspect since WW will surely change her tune once legal proceedings start. I hope you are not merely relying on what WW told you as the admission that will be used in court.

Start to document your activities with DD ASAP. Starting tomorrow, document everything so that your custody case against WW is not reduced to merely a he-said-she-said case. I do not have much faith in your lawyer as she fails to point out these things to you.

Also read the link below, there are some very good information in it you may want to pursue.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Lastly, it makes no sense for you to wait to expose to friends and family members. That is, if you really want to save your M. Your M has no chance if the A is extant. And exposure tends to be ruinous to affairs. Don’t you want this A to end? Like I said earlier, you need to MAN UP. Yes, your WW will be mad as h*ll when you expose. But while your M will survive your WW’s temporary anger, it will not survive her A. And exposure is one of the most powerful tools to end an A.

Dad2my3boys and UVA, I have read your responses, but I haven't had the opportunty to reply. Am at work right now, but will properly reply from home tonight.

Stay tuned..

V

UVA:

Re your concern about being able to prove adultery: When I met with counsel on Friday I asked about recording devices. She explained that according to state law, I can record a conversation when at least one of the participants has consented. This means I can record conversations between myself and WW. This is admissible in court.

A recording of a conversation of WW by herself in the car, on the phone with OM, (w/o me being in the car) is not admissible in court. Same thing for a recording of a conversation between WW and either one of the children. Counsel also explained that, in reality, courts don’t really care about the reasons for the divorce. It can be adultery, mental cruelty, irreconcilable differences, whatever. They don’t care. All they care about is what in the best interest for the children.

Yes, I agree with you that when the issue of adultery comes up, WW and I shouldn’t get into a he said / she said situation. However, I’m not so sure it’s as important as you think. I may be naïve here…

However, just to cover myself, I did buy a digital voice recorder over the weekend, and yesterday, during the drive home, I did record a discussion about Puerto Rico between WW and myself (admissible in court under the rules explained above). I readily got WW to admit that she did indeed commit adultery. The file has been burned to a CD and is in a safe place. I just feel totally disgusted and very sad to have to do this… The other evidence that I have for the adultery is our cell phone bills, which I have saved.

Now, back to what the courts care about most: What’s in the best interest for the children. In order to prove that I’m a good dad and that, for all practical purposes, I am the primary caregiver, I’ve gone back and started documenting exactly what I do with the children. I’ve pulled up the calendar to show all dates that the WW has been away on business. (I’m the only caregiver on those days.) I’ve saved credit card statements to prove that she’s been away, as well as EZ-Pass records (Automated toll paying system used in the North-Eastern US).

I’m really not sure if there’s anything else I can do. In my previous post I explained why I can’t install keyloggers on my WW computer.

I think I’m in better shape than I was before. Forgive me for not going into “battle mode” immediately. The last 12 days have been a roller coaster. Bear with me. Any advice you can give me is appreciated.

Dad2my3boys, I will respond to you in a separate post.

V

Fair enough. You are doing well right now.

Did you have a chance to read the link I posted to you? It has some very good information.

UVA, Yes I did finally read all information in the link you posted. Good stuff indeed. Am still digesting all of it. Will go into action soon and hope I can ask for more advice.

V

I have to say- you are doing great!!! Keep it up. You are stacking all the ccards in your favor. You are a quick study indeed!

Rwlora,

Thanks for your kind words. I just wish it didn't have to be this way... However, at the moment, things are the way they are.

From a legal point of view, it looks as if I'm all set. However from a personal point of view, I'm not so sure. My IC has told me that I should mentally prepare for the worst, accept that a D is very likely and work from there. Easier said then done. I've known WW for 24 years, and she is the only woman I've ever really loved. Even now, after everthing that has happened, my heart still skips a beat when I see her...

Trying to do the 180, but I'm having a hard time with it. On the outside I try to remain calm and upbeat, but on the inside..... So many questions I want to ask: Why did this happen? Why did you bottle everything up inside you and never say anything? Why did not not give me the chance to make improve things, even though you said you would... However, I keep it inside..

It's like living in the Twilight Zone. Last evening, WW and I did yard work together, and I was trying to teach our 4 yr old DD to ride her bike. WW watched and smiled. A perfect family moment, if only....

WW wants us to go out on a date to our favorite restaurant on Saturday evening and on Sunday she wants to have family portrait pictures taken. Yet on the same hand she talks to our older DD about how they're going to Puerto Rico and live there for a year. What does it all mean? I know WW is in the fog and everything and that I shouldn't pay too much attention to what she says. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, thank you again for your kind words. Didn't mean to vent.

V

Just wanted to give everyone an update into my situation. Any suggestions, advice, etc appreciated.

I guess things have come to a head. WW came home from a 3-day trip to corporate HQ last night and announced that her year-long move to Puerto Rico has been approved. And, no, she has no plans to invite me to come along with her.

Her plans are as follows: Go to Puerto Rico for 3 days next week (by herself). One week at home (so that we can attend the wedding of my SIL, irony, oh irony).

The week of Jul 17, she wants to go to Puerto Rico with the children so they can be registered at a school she has already picked out. (BTW, I am invited to come along on this trip: “Don’t you want to see where the girls will be going to school?”) Then the idea is to come back to the mainland (with the children). During the weeks of Jul 24 and Jul 31 she wants to finalize the living arrangements. The idea is to have everything in place so that she and the children can be in Puerto Rico permanently for the week of Aug 7, which is when school starts.

So, off to my attorney I will go today, to file the restraining order against my WW. I’m not letting her take the children with her. They don’t have to watch their mother commit adultery in front of them.

Even though I knew all of this was coming and had tried to mentally prepare for it, when the moment was there, I was still in shock. And I am still very, very upset.

And the really weird thing is that, as these events unfold, we have better discussions than ever before. I guess we can’t help talking about our M in moments like these. She’s finally opening up and letting me know what her ENs are and how I’ve not been meeting them, how she felt trapped. How she met this guy in Puerto Rico who understands her so well, etc. etc. She doesn’t use the word EN, because she hasn’t read the books (currently has no desire to) or hasn’t been to this website, but it’s ENs she’s talking about nonetheless.

But it sure seems that she has already decided there’s no future for her and me. I’m still fully committed to trying to save my M. However, it seems futile right now. I’m also upset I have to file this restraining order against her. How in the world did it come to this?

Any support and encouragement appreciated.

V

You are right, get to your lawyer ASAP. Everything else is secondary for now. Protecting your children is the priority right now.

verloren,

I think the restraining order will be a bit of a wakeup call that the world does NOT revolve around her. I suppose her plan was for the children to go with her, and that you would NOT see them for the year she was gone and shacking up with OM.

I am sure most judges even those heavily biased against men would NOT consider that a good parenting plan. I hope you have had her served with this restraining order. I am sure she is livid. You have punctured her pet balloon.

Hang in there and weather the storm that surely is coming.

God Bless,

JL

Any update from Verloren?

-AD