Just an update into my situation. Filed a petition at the county court requesting sole custody of the children and a restraining order to prevent the WW from taking the children out of the county without my permission. I understand that the document is currently at the judge's desk waiting for her signature.

Note that I'm not asking for a divorce. Hence the case is going to family court rather than state supreme court.

Counsel wasn't sure if we could get the restraining order or not. Was advised that if the restraining order is not appproved, I should take the children on a "vacation". This would be fully legal. I'm the children's father, and I have the right to take my chilren on "vacation"

Just wish the judge would move along. The WW is planning to take the children to Puerto Rico next Monday, Jul 17, for a 3 day trip, and I would rather avoid having to take the children on "vacation" or having the physically stop the WW from taking them. It could get very ugly...

Thanks for all your support, everyone.

V

When all else seems muddled and crazy and uncertain, we often times know what the "right" thing to do is. We sometimes don't do it because we dread the fallout from doing it but nonetheless doing the right thing will always "be the right thing".

The right thing for you right now is to protect your children and yourself from a WW. This is not the woman you married, the unselfish, giving, loving, kind, compassionate, loyal, dedicated spouse, mother, friend, daughter, etc. This is an alien being bent on self destruction and bent on taking you and your children with her. You cannot allow that to happen. You are the protector and your children will forever remember how you handle yourself at this time and place. You know what you need to do and you started the ball rolling. Don't stop until you get the ball where it needs to be. The relationship with the alien is something only they can do something about. They have to become a non alien again for any relationship talk to begin. She obviously is very much an alien (entitled, selfish beyond belief, looney, addicted, teenager like, morally corrupt/bankrupt, loose, bitter, resentful, re-writing history to cover her guilt and allow her to move on, etc) and will not be accessible until such time as she is no longer an alien.

Focus, Focus, Focus... for now on your well being and the children's protection from her death spiral.

Hope and Pray: You wrote: "When all else seems muddled and crazy and uncertain, we often times know what the "right" thing to do is. We sometimes don't do it because we dread the fallout from doing it but nonetheless doing the right thing will always "be the right thing".

You are, of course, correct. If it comes to it, I will take the children on a "vacation" as hard as it may be. Don't want to be in a situation where I would have to physically stop the WW from taking the children. I have never hit my WW, and I don't want to do so now...

Thanks for your encouragment.

V

Latest update Jul 11, 2006 9:30 pm edt: Just got off the phone with my attorney. The court has approved my petition for a restraining order: WW can't take the children out of the county w/o my permission. Trial date for custody: Late Aug.

This is the best news that I've received in months, relatively speaking. Of course my marriage is still in tatters, and the affair is ongoing, but at least I have taken action, and so far, the court has agreed.

Next step: Full exposure to friends and family. I haven't been able to do so out of respect for my SIL who is getting married this weekend. Didn't want to create an awkward situation for her. Her wedding day should be about her and her husband, not about me and my WW. (WW and I are both in the wedding party). But after the weekend the gloves come off...

My thanks to all of you who were kind enough to respond to my posts and to offer advice. In no particular order, thanks to MDC, Longhorn, WAT, JustPeachy, Just Learning, Bitbucket, UVA and anybody that I might have skipped.

My work isn't done yet, but I hope I can ask for your advice in the future.

V

God bless!!! Never responded to your thread, but when I stumbled upon it and saw the last post....I saw a MAN, protecting his children, and fighting the evil that has invaded your W with LOVE....Love for the children....and TOUGH LOVE for your W with an addiction.

Believe it or not, this may be the best thing you've done so far to SAVE your marriage. Then EXPOSURE....AND ALL AT ONCE!!!!! SHOCK AND AWE! The light on these A's kills them, sometimes it takes a bit of time.

In my sitch....it took about 6 months, and the A died (along with a dirtbag of an OM) W is now coming around, and is ANXIOUS for us to begin our new life!!!! Read my early posts in my thread.....then find my latest thread in GQII. It is incredible what Plan A with exposure, and patience can do to an insane situation.

Well done, my friend! Now be calm,....she'll be angry...but your motto is..."I believe in our marriage, and I believe in protecting our children." That's it. Do not engage....walk away...and repeat the above. Her anger will be her own inner conflict of what she has done. As one of my favorite posters Sendmeonmyway has told me "Let her choke on it" this may help her fall....no guarentees...but she must suffer a crisis.
MWIL

Verloren,

Congratulations! I agree with you that should delay rocking the boat until after SIL’s wedding. But after that, you should attack the A with the greatest weapon at your disposal: exposure.

Expect WW to go ballistic when she learns about the restraining order and exposure. Expect to hear some of the most bile things you’ve heard in your life. Your standard response should be that you understand WW’s feelings but you are doing and will keep doing what is in the best interest of the FAMILY. Don’t expect her to understand or agree with you, but hold your ground. Do not, however, argue with her. It will be an exercise in futility.

I am happy for the news. Your WW can follow her adulterous partner in Puerto Rico, but your kids stay with you.

God Bless.

Verloren,

Btw, under no circumstances do you get violent with WW, even if she wants to kidnap the children. The court will see to it that the children do not leave the country, so don’t worry about it if WW threatens to take them anyway. If WW does take them away, she would then become a criminal and destroy most of her chances at getting custody of the kids. It is hard to imagine that a court will let WW go to Puerto Rico with the children so she can pursue her adulterous A.

Thus, I see no need for a vacation (lest you subject yourself to a claim of kidnapping, notwithstanding your attorney’s advice) and definitely no need for violence under any circumstances. If you ever get violent with WW, you can pretty much kiss your chance of getting custody goodbye.

God Bless.

Verloren,

Good news, but the tough starts now. I like your decision to wait until after the wedding. Shows a lot of class on your part.

I agree with the others, this may be the first step in recovering your marriage. So far there have been no consequences to your W's affair and I am sure she has convinced herself that everything will work as she planned. Such is the nature of "the fog" for the WS to believe this. I mean she even told you about the affair expecting you to just handle it and let her take the kids for a year.

Get everything documented, including her affair and anything she says or does and then hang on for the rollercoaster ride of your life.

God Bless,

JL

MyWife I lowe, UVA, Just Learning:

Thanks for your reactions. Yes, it's nice to finally be able to do something. For the longest time I was waiting for "actionable information", then it took a couple of days to get the paperwork prepared (Jul 4 Holiday, etc.), then more waiting for the judge to sign off.

Serving of the papers should be tonight. Following the advice you have so kindly given, I will withdraw myself immediately afterwards and not allow myself to be pulled into an argument or a screaming match.

In an earlier post, I mentioned perhaps physically having to stop the WW from taking the children or taking a "vacation". I had only envisioned this if the restraining order had not been approved. Now that it has, the whole issue of physically restraining the WW / going on "vacation" is moot.

I'll to continue to observe and document, as I have been doing since this whole thing started. Am in the process of backtracking my WW trips to Jan 2003 and documenting each and everyone of them.

Will keep you posted on what happens. Tonight should be interesting....

V

Well, it hit the fan last night.

WW got served as she came home from her trip to Puerto Rico, pulling the car into the driveway. Happened at about 8:50 pm EDT. My daughters did not witness this, as I had moved them upstairs to watch TV. WW came into the door, slammed down her suitcases, and gave me a nasty glare. The she went upstairs to say hello to the girls.

After the girls went to bed, WW actually read the document. When she was done, I tried to stay away from WW, but she insisted on being right in my face and following me around. I said I was just trying to protect the family.

WW's Answ: "By breaking it up? Because that's what you have done with this bone headed move. This is on you.. You just blew any chance of any reconciliation whatsoever. And what's with the timing? You just put a great black mark on SIL's wedding. How's she supposed to feel? And why are you denying our DDs this wonderful opportunity to experience a new culture? I hate you for putting the children in the middle of this. That's what you've done, too with this move. I hate you, you make my physically sick, you make me gag....I don't want you in my house or in my bedroom. I thought we might be able solve this amicably, but you are making this ugly, and you're ruining our financial stability in the process.... Do you feel good, now that you've had your revenge, you @$^&*(%$*"

She then proceeded to take all my clothes out of my dresser and our walk-in closet, and dump them down the basement steps (BTW, I have been sleeping in the basement bedroom for awhile now).

I didn't respond to any of this. Went and called my MIL to apologize for what I had to do. She said she understood. Also apologized to SIL (currently preparing for her wedding at MIL's house). SIL said "You did what you had to do. Call us if you need any help." [SIL had asked me last Sunday: "Surely you're not letting WW take the children, are you? I think she's a bonehead, stupid, and ultimately selfish."]

WW interpreted these calls as "Victory Calls".

Went to bed after all of this. . I know WW is in the fog, and that’s where her ugly comments came from, but it was hard to deal with. Didn't get much sleep. In my heart I know I did the right thing, but it still was one of the worst days of my life.

This morning WW continuing to be right at me. Keeps bring up how I'm denying the girls such a wonderful opportunity. She said again there's no hope whatsoever for reconciliation.

DD9 was up and around at this time. WW kept coming at me, though. She asked DD9 if she wouldn't at least like to see where she would be going to school, perhaps meet some new friends. perhaps visit her new ballet school, etc. DD9 replied that would like for all of us to stay together, that she would like to visit Puerto Rico but not stay permanently because she would miss her friends from home too much. WW replied that it wasn't possible for all of us to stay together at this time.

My heart is breaking for all of us right now, but especially for DD9...

What a ride... Does it get any worse?

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt! You are doing fine. You keep doing the right thing by your kids and yourself and allow your WW to self destruct. She may get it, she may not, (mine hasn't and probably will not until rock bottom, if then even) but you will feel better about you and you will be able to look in the mirror and you will be able to talk to your kids about this some day when they are old enough to understand daddy fighting for them.

I heard most of what your heard several different ways and times over the past few months. I am content with what I am doing (not happy, not joyous, etc), content and resolved to look out for my kids and myself as WW is only interested in herself and OM. She will need no help in the looking out for department and neither will your WW, they have been doing that since and before the A started and will continue to do so, so don't feel bad about placing consequences of their behavior directly in their paths.

Start documenting everything, words, actions, comments, threats, keep a daily log, audio tape everything including phone calls if your state permits it and so on. Plan for the worst, pray and hope for the best, use the MB principles and sage advice from those here that have been there and always make your children and your own well being first choice.

Congratulations my friend!!!! I know you won't believe it when I tell you this, but if there is any chance at all....you just took the first step!!! YES....THIS IS AS WORSE AS IT GETS!!! But laugh at her internally...."..you are breaking up the family..." WHAT!!! HILARIOUS!! She has done that work already....her anger is her guilt....she'll get over it. Stand strong...

My FWW said the exact same thing when I first exposed and threatened to take custody from her....she backed down and we reached an agreement that was VERY favorable to ME!! (No child support, I got the house, half the time with the kids, motorhome, better car, kept my retirement)

Those words....ahhh, yes, those words...."You've ruined any chance that we...blah, blah, blah..........!!!!!!!!! I heard them 7 months ago!!!! Here is the latest email my FWW just sent me!!!!:

FWW: "I know that. And some of the changes YOU have made for yourself and what you have given of yourself througout this whole thing have made it so much easier for me to see MY path - since I have been blessed with the opportunity. Don't ever think I don't know that things could have gone very differently. I will probably spend the rest of my life thanking you."

It turns.....once the fantasy breaks apart....the anger is NOT your W!!!!! IT IS someone else!! Someone SHE is NOT proud of.....the old moral compass....broke.

Believe it or not....this is a good sign.....but she needs to deal with her own inner conflict....you are forcing her to do just that!!!!

Verloren,

I think you are doing very well.

You are getting good advice from people who have been in similar situations. My situation was/is a little different.

But... I have a few comments.

1) You got a good hit in the first inning. Don't rest now. These legal things tend to go back and forth. Be psychologically ready for that - and as far as possible, prepare your kids for that. There are others who could better advise you... but this time, you caught your wife off-gaurd. You won't have the advantage of surprise again.

But...

2) You can still take further initiatives. Personally, I'd get out of the basement. You're the master of the house! Go move yourself back into the master bedroom. If she can't stand you being there, she can leave.

You might look into the question of whether it is a criminal act to damage your personal property (clothing). I don't know... that's probably a long shot. Maybe Mr. Wondering could put in his legal view on that question.

3) Like other folks said. YOu must ABSULUTELY avoid any violent/physical confrontation with your W. Don't even shout at her. Even if you do nothing, she might spring a bogus protection order on you. Do whatever you can to protect yourself against that - as it would probably force you out of the house for awhile - and run up the legal bills.

4) In my state, recordings are admissable as long as one party knows that they are being recorded. If that is true in your state, you might see what you can do about recording any altercations you have at home - as a protection against phoney claims of abuse by her.

And...

5) Just because she's furious with you does not prevent you from recovering your marriage. I think you are doing very well.

-AD

HopeAndPray, MWIL, _AD_, thanks for your responses. It's been a rough week. Last night was a little better than before.

I moved all my clothes back from the basement into my dresser and the walk-in closet. Told the WW she was silly; it's not like she needs more space for her stuff. Non of the items in the dresser was hers. She grumbled but didn't throw the stuff out again. It was actually a great opportunity to go through my stuff and throw out the things I no longer use or need.

WW is constantly taking swipes at me, though. Example: Daycare for DD4 need to have a form filled out by the doctor. I said I would take care of it. WW swipes: "So that you can put another item on your tally?" I just ignore these remarks.

You brought up some interesting points in your posts that I will try to adress below:

Re: "You just lost any chance we might reconcile again": Glad to hear that it is part of the set of "standard" answers a WS gives when opposed / served w/ papers / exposed. So there's hope.

However, I'm pretty sure her plan is to file for divorce, attempt to get custody and then move to Puerto Rico w/ the children. It may be harder than she thinks. I've been told that when it comes to awarding custody, courts look for a solution that disrupts the children as little as possible, ie, no moves to far away places, staying in the same schools, day cares, etc, same ballet classes, same aunts and uncles etc. If I get custody, very little would change. Mommy would be away, but I'm sure she would come to visit often. Schools, daycare, friends, family, would all stay the same. If my WW gets custody, the children's lives will be turned completely upside down twice: once when she leaves, then again when she returns in a year (or not). The only thing that I'm a little concerned about is the financial situation: WW makes twice as much money as I do.

Re: Keeping records: Am keeping a journal in which I write down the exchanges between my WW and me. I also write down all activities with the children. I also have a digital voice recorder. Just like your state, _AD_, recordings are admissible as long as one party knows that they are being recorded. In fact, the recorder gave me the only concrete evidence of the affair and of WW's intent to move to Puerto Rico. Am thinking about installing a voice recorder in WW's car to capture her phone conversations with OM. While not admissible in court, I would at least have a better idea of what's she's up to. Will also use the recorder to protect myself against protection orders.

Re moving back into the master bedroom: I might just do that. I tried to stay in master bedroom for as long as I could. Had to give up, though. In spite of all that has happened I still had "urges" that the WW was unwilling to meet (duh). To prevent myself from going completely nuts, I moved downstairs.

At this point, however, WW has stated that I "make her gag." Also, my ADs have kicked in. One of the "lucky" side effects is that the ADs take away the "urges" almost completely. So if I move back upstairs, she might just move out. If not, at least I won't have the "urges" to deal with anymore.

Re: No physical or verbal violence: Check. I've never been a violent person, and I don't want to start now. As far as shouting is concerned. I am sometimes guilty of that. It's getting better though. Some of the things out of WW's mouth are so outrageous I can only shake my head and laugh: Example: WW: "I'm not preventing you from seeing the children when I move to Puerto Rico." Me: "How do you figure that?" WW: Well you could move to Puerto Rico too, on your own and rent an apartment near mine. You would then be able to see the children." (And WW with OM, of course). It's laughable. She really has gone off the deep end....

In any case, thanks for your replies and support. Keep it coming, please. This board is a life saver that is allowing me to keep my sanity.

V

Verloren,

Your W is an intelligent woman and will become a desperate one as well. Make darn sure you copy your records and store them someplace else where she has NO access. Do this regularly.

Also, expose to all after the wedding, if exposure has not already taken place. As for her making more money than you, that often works in YOUR favor as courts will often set CS to balance what is lost.

Stay calm, protect yourself, your children and your records. She will have a hard time admitting she is wrong, but she will also pull every legal trick in the book. She wants EVERYTHING her way. You have sort of made a mess of her plans. Expect anger, more anger, hateful words, and attempts to anger you or provoke a fight. Now more than ever you "fight" by walking away.

This part of the script and untill they try to badger, provoke, bargin, and negotiate they will NOT be ready to face the reality of what they have done.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Just from the female perspective .... when you "MAN UP" .... you become far more attractive ....

WW will not admit anything like that now ... but trust me, I've been a woman for a loooooong time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> .... she's saying *gag* but she's interested in you again because she is now uncertain where you will exibit your manliness next !!!

I think this is a very exciting thread because it's shows a MAN instead of a BH

LOVING THIS

Pep

Dear Verloren,

I'm sure you will find your way again, and no longer be "Verloren" (finally someone here who speaks my mother tongue!).

If you can find any of Bob Pure's early threads (about 2+ years ago) you will find another similar story to yours - WS completely smitten by OM, saying "all chances for restoring M are over" when Bob decided to expose to OM's wife, then WS slowly coming out of the fog..
There are many stories just like that here, as you have read in the replies to your post.
So hang on - it's quite a rollercoaster.

Sometimes WS don't even believe that they really said some of the hurtful things AFTER they come out of the fog. Try not to take it personally, however hard that is.
Some posters call it "WS has been abducted by aliens" and that's exactly what it sounds like when a normally decent person tries to justify indecent behavior.

I'm glad you have found this place for support and advice.
I hope WW will soon de-fog..
But I'm sure YOU will come out all right, because it seems to me your heart is in the right place.

Verloren,

If there are any financial things you can lock down... such as children's educations funds, home equity line of credit, life insurances that can be cashed out, brokerage accounts... lock 'em down. Not that you should run off with the money but don't make it easy for her to do that either. Probably she's financially savy and might be able to put you in a tight spot.

If she moved out and stopped contributing to the family budget, would you be able to make the mortgage payments?

-AD

Verloren,

You did great! I am very proud of you. Odds are zero to none that your WW will be able to take your kids to Puerto Rico even if she divorces you and gets custody. Courts are loath to doing things like that. So I would not worry about that too much.

Good luck on your exposure this weekend. You are on the right road.

Everyone

Thanks for your reactions. Things are happening very rapidly right now, and I don't have the time right now to type it all up. Stay tuned, though, I will try to post more tonight. It sure looks as if WW's self-destruction has begun.

V