Hello all: WWW basically wants for the both of us to stop spending money on legal fees, as she feels that the money could be better spent. (I agree with that). However, she did contact an attoney herself, who, AFAIK, is working on some "compromise" that the WW wants tro reach:

She wants to go to Puerto Rico, but return home every weekend. During the week, the children will be with me, and with both of us during the weekends. She wants to keep full custody, (IOW, for me to drop my custocy case) have the fact that she's going away for a year not be held against her in family or state supreme court and for both of us to take no further legal action until her assigment in Puerto Rico is finished. If any of us wants to pursue legal action at that time, we are free to do so. She wants at least two long weekends where the girls can come visit in Puerto Rico. Finally, she wants counseling for DD9

Didn't say much to this. My gut reaction is NO, but I'm going to have to think about this. She's going to Puerto Rico one way or the other. The above scenario is a heck of a lot less cosy and convenient for her and the OM than they had first imagined. They can see each other only during the week and not during the weekends. It might just be enough for the A to die out on its own, aided by a letter to OM's family which I'm drafting. (Did a reverse lookup on one of the phone #s WW dials all the time. Found out that the phone is actually registered to one of OM's family members (same last name), not OM himself. So since I now have a mailing address, this family member will be receiving a nice letter from me.)

Anyway, Im thinking that if I would agree to any or all of this, (and again, my gut reaction is NO), if the fact that she's going away for a year cannot be held against her in court, I would want her to agree upfront to at least 50% custody for me, before any divorce proceedings have even started. If the children were to go to Puerto Rico for 2 long weekends, I would need to have precautions in place to ensure their return to the mainland after each of the weekends. Also, under no circumstances are they to meet OM, not while they're there, and not while WW comes home to visit (if she ever brings OM with her). Finally, I would need a clause in there that my signature of the document would not mean that I consent with, give permission for, accept or condone her adultery.

Is this the WW just badgering and negotiating so she can have her way and continue the A? That's what it seems like to me.

Any thoughts?

V

Are you stupid? Are you crazy? There is nothing to think about. WW wants to go to Puerto Rico to screw OM and thereby destroy your family, and your thinking of making it easy for her. Appeasement will not get you nowhere, least of all your marriage and the protection of your children. You don’t compromise with a foggy WW.

You have WW exactly where you want her, and you are susceptible to agreeing to enable her to boink OM without facing the FULL CONSEQUENCES of her action. You’d be a fool not to press your advantage. You will probably never be in such a position again. I am sure your WW’s lawyer tells her that she has no leg to stand on legally, but yet you are contemplating giving your WW custody (and asking her to promise you at least 50% custody later on). Unbelievable! I am just speechless.

It is total bullsh*t that WW tells you should not spend money on your lawyer, who is protecting your rights with your CHILDREN. What part of PROTECTING YOUR CHILDREN don’t you understand? Your lawyer is there to protect you, don’t let your WW convince you otherwise.

Verloren, let us know now if you won’t stand up for yourself and your CHILDREN with some misguided idea of appeasing your WW. I don’t want to waste my time nor yours. If you don’t remember else anything I say, remember that your WW does not have your (best) interest in mind. Your wife, yes; your WW, never. Keep this in mind when she wants to negotiate about something.

Thus, my advice to you is to tell your WW a big fat NO to her request. If she wants to negotiate about custody, she goes though your lawyer; you do marriage, not divorce.

Thought I throw in this

Our OM was 750 miles away. When WW conjured up ways to go visit him I just said "no". Without much emotion. Just a simple "no". She'd get upset or sulk but the issue was not up for negotiations...it just was "no". I discared her request along with all the other fog babble.

In recovery, in turns out, those "no's" were quite powerful. She was frustrated but couldn't figure out how to manipulate my simple and resolute "no's". I am respected today, in part, because I didn't waver in the face of such blatant forms of manipulation. Don't allow fear to trump being right, no matter the cost.

"Maybe's" demonstrate weakness. Be strong in your convictions but quiet in the delivery. The word "no" speaks for itself.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Can you seek out a better paying job. Good Father is a poster that recently was behind the eight ball a bit because his wife made more than him too. Three months later she got fired and he got a great job doubling his salary. God helps those that help themselves and He is most definetly on YOUR team right now.

Verloren,

Not only NO but SHELL NO!

Let me put this to you in a different frame. Which is more important to you the children or a fog bound cheating W? Which do YOU have more responsibility for?

This is a no brainer. I hate to tell you this and I say this with apologies to Mr. Dubya hisself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Lawyer fees are NOT going to go down NEXT year or the year after that. You are saving NOTHING my friend, just postponing a later cost.

On the other hand if YOU spend the money NOW, you just might save the marriage, but you will definitely save your children from the life style your W is proposing. The children DON'T go over seas period unless there is an relationship between PR and US that will allow you to have her arrested, but of course she could have left the country by then.

This is nuts. NO, is what you are thinking and NO is the right answer. You are arguing with someone whose logic, honesty, and motivations are to be charitible completely messed up. Would you trust a drug addict with anything financial much less your children?

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

PS: Please see your lawyer NOW.

Verloren,

I think this deal is not in your best interest, nor in the best interest of your children.

Have you considered telling your wife "I won't prevent you from visiting the children, but since they will be with me almost all the time, I will have primary custody - and they will not visit PR"? For the children, that will be almost the same as your W's proposal. They will see their mother regularly (if she comes). The only thing they will "lose" is the visits to PR. Most kids don't get to visit PR so I would think they could live quite happily without that.

Also, one of the things your wife asks for is basicly impossible. She can't hold you to "not using her year's absense against her in court." [You legal folks chime in and correct me if I'm wrong.] The judge will be bound by law to consider "the best interest of the children" above all else. While you can agree in advance to overlook an arrangement that is not in the best interest of the children, you cannot bind the judge to that. The judge can't overlook the best interest of the children. Again, I appeal to the real legal minds to comment on this, but any agreement that you make to that effect, I believe will be powerless if you decide later to raise this issue in a custody hearing.

I get the impression that you are afraid to say "no". Many of us are afraid to say "no". But, as Mr. W points out, it is a neccesary word, the use of which often earns respect.

Verloren,

I came back to add a few other things. She started this dance and I have not heard a thing about her ending this dance with OM. It seems to me the music has NOT stopped, therefore, YOU need to proceed with full custody if you can get it, and having her decide to end the affair before you even consider listening to any other offers she may have.

So far she has successfully redirected the issues to be with you. Your response to her should be simple: "I love you and want to remain married to you. Is the affair over?" Then simply walk away. No OTHER issue is of concern until she ends the affair.

Keep on topic, keep on message and make it very simple. No love busting, no yelling, just actions that indicate that you will continue your path of both waiting for her to end the A, Plan A, and you will continue to insure that your children are protected from her lack of care or concern about anything but herself.

You must be absolutely relentless in this while avoiding all love busters.

God Bless,

JL

V,
Ditto what everyone has said!!! My FWW says today, (Even though she was MADDER than a mad cow) that her respect for me GREW (albeit, later on) BECAUSE I was standing up for OUR FAMILY. She says now, that she WOULD NOT HAVE had a path home. You NEED to show her NOW that YOU CHERISH the family....even if the "WW" is the one spewing words without rationality.

You see, YOUR actions, cut through the "WW's front" and go to the core of who your W is. Treat your WW as "another person" trying to take your kids....if it helps...picture your WW as a man who is a child molester. What would you do if a child molester (stranger) ask if he could take your kids to PR. (And by the way......WHO KNOWS???....MAYBE OM IS A CHILD MOLESTER!!!!!!!!)

MAN UP!!!!!! You are in a position to SAVE YOUR FAMILY!!!! Do it in a way as describe by all who have posted to you.....THEY ARE HELPING ME SAVE MY M!!!! THEY GIVE INVALUABLE ADVICE!!!! AND IT'S THE RIGHT ADVICE!!!

Good luck my friend.....have a talk with God!! He will guide you!!

MWIL

UVA, Mr. Wondering, JL, _AD_, MWIL

Thanks everyone for all your reactions. I can see you all agree with what my gut feeling is telling me.... --NO-- to this "compromise".

You have to understand: At the moment, I’m not sure if I can trust my gut feelings anymore. I used to trust my gut, but when this whole mess first came up, my gut feeling was to go to Puerto Rico with the WW. This was definitely wrong, as was pointed out to me. Just wanted to make sure my gut wasn’t telling me the wrong thing again.

However, I’m convinced that after I tell her NO to her compromise, WW will file for divorce. Some of you talk about what you did in while in recovery. In my case, it’s unlikely that there will be any recovery at all: we’re going from A directly to D.

And when it comes to D, the WW can make my life very, very difficult: She earns twice as much as I do, and there is no way I can cover the mortgage on my own. If I ever had to move out and get a place to live for myself, I wouldn’t be able to afford anything in the area. I would have to move a long ways away, which would then complicate seeing the children, traveling to work, etc. WW has more money in her 401K than I do and can afford to fight a lot longer.

Currently, we have a joint checking and savings acct, 3 credit cards, (no balance), We have a first and second mortgage, & one car loan. Both of us have 401K accts. Finances are tracked by me. I pay the bills. I use a PFM and I am right on top of it. I can tell you to the penny what the balances are for each of those accounts, including 401K. But I guess it’s time to start separating the stuff.

I have a question when it comes to credit cards: Of the 3 cards, one is in my name (my name is the only name on the statement, but WW has a card for her to use.) and 2 are in her name (her name is the only name on the statement, but I have a card for each of the 2 accounts for me to use). Does this mean that technically the credit cards are already separated (since in each case there’s only one name on the statement)? If so, does this then mean I only have to get my WW’s card for “my” acct back, and give my 2 cards for “her” accts back to her? Or do we still need to call the credit card companies and request to have each other’s names taken off the other person’s card(s)?

Like I said in one of my previous posts, the WW seems to be self-destructing, though. She is closing herself off from everyone and everything that she has ever loved. I understand that I’m in a unique situation, in that my in-laws are 100% behind me, not her. Members of our dance group are behind me, not her. She is contemplating resigning from the dance group completely (and she has been involved in dance since she was a toddler). She is very bitter and thinks everyone is conspiring against her. She feels I could not possibly have thought of getting the restraining order / request for custody by myself. I’ve told her that none of the in-laws and none of the members of the dance group knew what I was going to do. She doesn’t believe me. She also told me “I didn’t think you’d have the balls to do it.” Rather than responding to this, I just shrugged my shoulders. She says she doesn’t want an all-out war between us. Neither do I. But she keeps telling me that things are definitely over…Actions have consequences, she tells me. Yes they do….

In the past couple of days, I’ve done the following: Exposure to friends and family, as well as to OM’s family (see previous post). Dropped off copies of the restraining order at daycare, camp and the local PD. When WW comes home from Puerto Rico this Friday (yes, she’s there again), I will let her know that if she wants to pick up the children from daycare or camp, she needs to ask me first. I will also move back into the master bedroom. If she is truly disgusted by me, she knows where she can find another bed.

Thanks for your continued support, everyone. Please keep it coming.

V

Verloren,

Congratulations on handling this so well! It may not feel like it now, but ... it's just my opinion that you are doing better than I did. The worst thing to do is just let it slide - accept empty promises and let it drag on for years. That's what I did. I'm D'd.

For the CC account that is in your name, you can cancel her card easily. It would only take 15 minutes to do it. Of course, she can do the same to you on the accounts which are in your name. If you don't need access to that credit, it won't be a problem.

Legal advice should come from lawyers and I'm not one.

... that said, I think there is a good chance you may be able to get spousal support (that is, she will pay you alimony) plus child support and the judge may order her to continue to pay the mortgage while the case is pending. On the other hand, you may not.

It's great that you have good records. I would recommend that you make a copy of all financial records and store it in a secure place outside the home.

I think you need to talk to MortarMan. If you find his thread and drop him a note, I'm sure he'll come over here and give you some excellent advice.

-AD

If the car is titled in your name or in "joe smith OR jane smith", you can sell it and pay off the loan. If it's in her name alone or with an "AND" in there, you can't do that. One guy on here did that - picked up is W's car and traded it in for one that was paid for - right out of the parking lot while she was at work. You need legal advice, of course before doing stuff like that.

-AD

Verloren,

Interesting post you had. Do you see what the problem is? Do you see that what each of us are telling seems to be true? Permit me to quote from your post and let's discuss this.

You said
Please NOTE the bolded portions of this quote. Please note that one of the things you will have to do to regain your marriage is show her by actions that you do have "the balls" to fight for your children and your family. For reasons you probably don't understand (I sure don't) she has decided that you are not "man" enough. This is part of the delusion of an affair. It is part of her feeling that SHE is somehow special and deserves to have it "her way" no matter who it hurts.

You fight these delusions by being resolute, by constantly being on attack with regards to defending your children and your self, and basically letting her self-destruct. You are into computers are you not? You have solved more complex problems than this one. This one is a sort of self healing one, IF you stay the course.

She does not want an all out war because she will lose it. She has more to lose with regard to professional reputation, the children, YOU, and many other things. After all YOU don't count right? You don't bring much to the party right? That is her thinking. So what she wants is to negotiate it so that she wins and you lose, because in a war she feels you have much less to lose than she. It is foolish pride on her part, but that is what you are dealing with.

Set your plan and be resolute in following it. Go to the lawyers and discuss strategy with regard to custody, what she can and might do, and be ahead of this. Meanwhile, no love busters, at first she is going to misinterpret this as weakness, but eventually she will see the strength you possess.

Verloren, hang in there and protect the children and your marriage by being steady, and resolute with regard to her and the marriage.

God Bless,

JL

Ver,

JL hits it right on the head. Your WW thinks you are spineless wimp. Hence she was very surprised that you actually took action to protect yourself. In fact, she does not believe that it was really your doing, but rather you doing the bidding of others.

It is obvious that you have been a pushover during your M, at least that is how your WW perceives it. It is ok; many of us have been there, including me in a past life. The key question is what kind of a person are you now or what kind of a person are you willing to be: the wimp that gets push around (in the interest of appeasing someone who does not give a d*mn about him and is completely disregarding him and his feelings by flaunting her A in his face) or someone who stands up for himself and do his best to protect his children.

I believe the answer is clear. During this ordeal, it is imperative that your WW finds out that you indeed have a pair of “balls” (as she aptly put it), and that you will not just lie down and let her to run all over you. You see, from WW’s comments, it is obvious that she has no respect for you as a MAN. You must change that!

If your choice is between Protecting your children and Plan D, you choose the former every time. It is a no brainer. So don’t let your fear of losing your M prevents you from doing what you need to do for your children. They need at least one reasonable parent that will stand up for their interests. And that parent is you!

Do not be intimidated by WW’s threat to you about custody. WW is in a very precarious on this point, notwithstanding what she might say to the contrary. Let’s take a closer look. You have been taking care of the children more than your WW, so that will work in your favor in court. You are not moving anywhere, your WW is. Your WW had the A, not you. Hence your WW’s actions are the ones that are disrupting and will continue to disrupt your children’s lives. These are all points that will work in your favor when brought up in court. (I sure hope you have been documenting everything).

But let’s assume, for the sake of argument, that WW gets primary custody. I say “primary” because she will never get full custody of the children. To complicate things, she will never be able to take the children to Puerto Rico to live with her (unless of course you consent). Thus, she will have to exchange the children with you on a weekly basis. This arrangement will totally disrupt her life if she lives in Puerto Rico. Even if she travels back every week, after a while this traveling will take its toll on her body and her psych. Eventually, she would have to choose between being with OM and being with the children. It is exactly this dilemma you don’t want to take away from her. It is exactly the position you want her to be in. So please don’t try to appease your WW or try to make it easy on her. Your children, your sanity, and possibly your M depend on it.

In short, be a MAN: both for yourself and your children.

God Bless.

AD, JL, UVA, thanks for responses. Last night was an interesting night. WW came home from Puerto Rico for the weekend (actually, she leaves again on Tuesday). She had a major meltdown when I came in the Master Bedroom and said that I would be sleeping there, too. Started screaming at me that she didn’t have one single place in the house that was all hers, where she could avoid me. I am afraid I didn’t do too well, either. There was some major LB, but I feel it couldn’t be avoided.

Anyway, I told her that if she needed a place to be by herself, she could go into the basement bedroom. I had even cleaned up the room for her. She said she didn’t want it.

She locked me out of the master bedroom, but I used a screwdriver to unlock the door. She tried to hog as much of the bed as possible, but I managed to lay down on it, without touching her. She tried to push me off with her feet. I did not get off. Then some major discussion started.

WW: “Since you choose to move downstairs, this bedroom is no longer yours.” Me: “I’m claiming it back. I’m not the one who started all of this mess. You did. So if anyone has to move out of this bedroom, it should be you. I have just as much right to be in here as you do. If I really disgust you, if I really make you gag, you know where you can go.” WW: “You’re just doing this to get even.” Me: “No I am just letting you know that I am not a doormat that you can walk all over.” WW: “Are you that desperate to be next to me?” Me: “Right now, I don’t give a $%#@ where you sleep. All I know is that I’m sleeping here. You can go downstairs, or stay next to me, but I’m staying here.”

Then she backed down a little bit: WW: “Why do you keep escalating things? First you served the papers, now this. Why do you keep doing this? You know I want to compromise with you.” Me: “I didn’t think I had any other choice. All you kept doing was saying how you were going to go to Puerto Rico and take the children with you. You never even once considered my feelings, you never even once asked me what I thought of the whole idea. And knowing how much you respect me, if I had said: ‘I forbid you to take the children’, you would have just laughed in my face. WW denied this: “If you had said that, I would have sat down and try to come to an agreement.” Me: “I simply don’t believe you, and why would I want to come to an agreement in which I lose my children and get to watch from a distance as they them romp around with their mother AND HER LOVER in what’s basically still a 3rd world country?” WW: “You shouldn’t say that. The culture in Puerto Rico is much more developed than you think. Me: “I am experiencing some of this “culture” right now, and it involves a Puerto Rico man banging my wife. Excuse me for not wanting to expose the children to this “culture”, not even for one day.” Then she fed me some of the standard fog lines: “Our marriage was over long before OM entered the picture, I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings” etc. She finished by saying she still wants to reach a compromise.

We went to sleep after that. Neither one of us left the bedroom. This morning (Sat Jul 22) not much was said between us.

I don’t know. I’m thinking we’re going straight for D… Not what I want, but I feel it’s coming closer and closer, and there’s not much I can do to stop it, it seems.

Upset <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

V

I've been following your thread. You are doing so well, in such a completely rotten situation. I can't imagine how a person wouldn't feel down and upset with a cheating spouse. But... all of the actions you're taking are the right ones. Everything you told her is true -- you didn't create the mess. You have done the right thing to protect yourself and your children, while your wife has shown no regard for anyone or any decency. If there's a chance to salvage your marriage, this in the only way it can be done -- by standing up to her and not letting her walk all over you. You are showing her how a real man acts, not a scumbag that will screw someone else's wife.

You know... there's a pattern on this forum, where spouses who've had weight-loss surgery cheat and dump the spouse who loved them when they were heavy. Maybe after years of being rejected by the majority of people, who wouldn't consider being involved with someone who is obese, they revert into some silly adolescence and want to see who they can get, now that they're thin. I believe that there are some psychological issues with this that go beyond the normal cheating spouse. There are attractive, successful and wonderful people who are attracted to heavy partners, or who at least will see beyond it and love them in spite of it. Good Father and a woman named Julie (I think) were both dumped by their spouses as soon as they lost a lot of weight after surgery. I wonder if your wife's OM knows that she was heavy before? I wonder if she's thought about the fact that it wasn't your marriage breaking down, but the fact that she's acting out because she lost weight - and that she's destroying her family over it.

It doesn't appear that she's in any hurry for D. She's just mouthing off due to exposure and you standing up to her. Try to be patient and see how things play out. Once she's around her boyfriend all the time, that might cool off fairly quickly. And she'll miss her home and your kids too. Try to make her time home as pleasant and happy as you can.

Anyway... hang in there. You really are doing great. You might see her changing her attitude about you as you continue shocking her with your actions. Your actions also emphasize how immoral her actions are.

GOOD FOR YOU! Why should a person that has been faithful lose his wife and kids his home and everything he owns. You did the right thing and I want to say great job.

If she loves her kids so much she will have to make a choice. She will have to decide does she love the OM more or would she rather be with them here in the states. I guess in fantasy land what is suppose to happen is she gets a new man, new place to live, new start and her kids. I guess it doesn't matter that you would be left with nothing.

Unless she comes out of her alien state you are not going to get her back by letting her have her way. The kids are going to want to stay where they are now.

In reality world if she wants this new man she should pay for child support and she can go off to be with OM. Who knows you may look back and find out that things worked out all for the best.



I love your response! It gave a good laugh!! I know you don't think it is funny but what a WS will say. I guess maybe she should have informed you that the marriage was over. What is happening now is she is dealing with reality. In fantasy land you would have rolled over and let her do what she wants because it is all about her.

All I can say is good for you! Hang in there!

Verloren,

Well I have one thing to say: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> make that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You are doing soooo well. You just don't know it yet. "Steady as she goes" is the watch word. Go see your lawyer, and prepare for custody battle and Oh yeah get information on how much she is going to be paying YOU. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> That will chap her hide I can assure you.

My point, she is bargainning. She does NOT want to face the fact that she is an adulteress and that it is continuing. The point previous made about the by pass surgery and the consequent weight loss is something you need to consider. More often than not really heavy people do have issues beyond food. Removing the weight gained because of the food does NOT remove the issues.

Be firm, be relentless, by kind, and be filled with grace and be the best Dad you can be. The time of reconning is coming and you might be surprised at the result. It could be D but it might just be something that will surprise you.

Your goals are simple: be a great Dad, and to be able to look yourself in the mirror and KNOW you did all you were capable of. What happens with your W after that is beyond your control.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL

Well done, Verloren!

Yes, as JL said, "steady as she goes".

... and for whatever it's worth, I feel your pain. Don't let the garbage that she's saying drag you down. You're a worthy man.

-AD

V,

I'll give you an A or maybe an A-.....a couple LB's....but they were in the context of some boundaries that she passed....

The crap about "not loving you before the A is RIGHT OUT OF THE STANDARD WS's SCRIPT!!!!! Let that flow in one ear and out the other.....when you reconcile with her....it will be proof that THEY DO talk from the fog!!! My FWW said the exact same thing about 8 months ago.....today, we spent the whole day together..with the kids...and when they would go into the other room.....we would have long MAKE-OUT sessions!! Like teenagers.....and then she told me that she knows our future is going to be a story book ending!!!

Keep fighting!!!! You'll save your love for your W if (when she is gone) to focus on yourself!!! I'm telling you, when she is free to do with OM as she sees fit....the real world will crash around her.....she will need you to land safely. You will continue to take the WORST CRAP from a person that vowed to love you forever!!!!

If you want her.....you must suck it up...MB works, will give you the best shot at recovery, and if not the M...then for YOU!!....but not always easy!!

MWIL

Latest update:

On Saturday, I registered DD9 for the After School Program for next year.I think WW was impressed with the fact that I had researched the After School Program all by myself and registered DD9 for it., although she didn't say anything. Slept in master bedroom Sat night. No fight/discussion.

On Sunday morning, I made sure to be nice to WW, asking her how she was feeling and if there was anything I could do for her. Went into the garage to fix WW's bicycle.

In the afternoon, WW started to talk about the "compromise" she wants us to reach: I told her that my beef is with her relationship w/ OM. Told her that I think it's not in the girl's best interest to visit Puerto Rico in the current circumstances and that I will try to avoid any visits whatsoever. This seemed to startle her.

She said I was exhibiting "schizophrenic behavior" by being nice to her in the morning and hard as nails in the afternoon. Explained to her that I was just trying to set some boundaries. She told me that "our marriage is over and it's time you start dealing with that" and "if it hadn't been OM it would have been someone else, since you certainly weren't providing what I needed." I told her I agreed with the latter and asked her: "Why don't you tell me what I wasn't providing?" We talked a little bit about her ENs after that. More about this in a later post.

WW also said that I was confusing DD9 by moving back in the master bedroom: "She is going to think things are actually getting better between us." My answ: "I will talk to DD9, but if you really want her to feel better, you should give up your relationship with OM and come home." No answer after this.

WW was obviously upset after our discussion, on the brink of tears. I decided to just let her stew in it and didn't say or do anything else. Invited everyone to come on a bike ride, but WW wasn’t interested. DD9 decided not to go either, because “Mommy is sad.” Went by myself and took DD4 in the carrier on the back.

So, how am I doing?

V

That, sir, is what plan A is all about!!!! She actually said "schizophrenic behavior"????? Boy...seems to prove the theory of "projecting" oneself onto another!!!!!

Great job!!! Keep it up and she will fold like a house of cards.....just no LB's...keep them boundaries up....I know it hurts to hear "our marriage is over and it's time you start dealing with that".....REMEMBER, this is not your W......it really isn't!!! You are giving me flashbacks to my sitch 8 months ago....almost to a T!!! But I trusted the MB pricipals.....went through my growing pains....and it has worked flawlessly...not saying every sitch is the same....just gives the best opportunity to heal the marriage and yourself.

An example of two emails from my WW and then my FWW:

WW back in Jan. '06.....

"Hi. I just wanted to let you know that if you are trying to piss me off it is working extremely well. I am trying to be patient with the fact that you want to limit your contact with me. But you are making it very hard for me to work with you with your inconsiderate behavior. You have had 48 hours to let me know where the kids are going tomorrow. My mother is waiting to hear what her day is going to be like tomorrow. That is just rude. It is also rude that you had to make me ask for the new phone number and not give it to me after you probably guessed that I called last night and the number was disconnected. If you are are working on figuring tomorrow out - tell me that. Just say "I need to check a couple of things, I will let you know this afternoon". SOMETHING. You told me that after the first couple of weeks you wanted to limit your contact with me. Well, its has not been a couple of weeks yet and we need to work together to keep things running smooth for the kids and the people who watch them. My mother agreed to change her schedule. She will watch the kids next week Wed Thurs and Friday. And the following week Monday Tuesday and Wednesday. That does mean that you are going to have to make an occasional trip to drop off or pick up. I don't think once a week or so (I will work with you on that) is going to kill you. I still have to talk to Karen about her days, hopefully she is agreeable. You can sit back and let me take care of this and think to yourself that this is all my fault so its my cross to bear. But I am not going to be considerate of you if you can't be considerate of me. I did not HAVE to ask my mother to watch the kids different days. As far as I am concerned, as we discussed, my mother is my pay responsibility. And if you can not work with her schedule that is not my fault. As well, I did not HAVE to agree to pay karen 1/2 this week. My mother is still a debt to me. Even more so considering you put my checking account in the hole over $1000. I don't want to fight with you. And I understand that you don't like me and don't want to do anything agreeable to me. You have made that more than clear. I need the kids snow clothes this weekend. DID YOU GET THAT E-MAIL??? I would not know that considering you did not even respond to me with an "ok". You dont' have to like me but you don't have to be rude."


And today, my FWW, in response to my email:

My email: " I'll probably be away from my computer for a good chunk of the day. Just wanted to tell you how appreciative of YOU I am. It'll be nice down the road to have coffee and "smilie faces" in the morning to greet me.....along with clothes I don't have to iron!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm looking forward to ....................well......everyday, now!!!!

Talk to you later....Hope your day is perfect!

xoxo me

And her response: "ditto, ditto, ditto and ditto <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> xoxoxo me."

Fog gone!!!! You see???? Hang in there!!!!!

MWIL