my original story is here...
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...&PHPSESSID=

This past week, I left on a business trip. I left my W a letter and card explaining what I need from her to move past this. She had an affair at work. The OM still works there... I have not exposed there for fear that it would look retalitory and its been 6 months. I'm actually not even sure how I would go about doing that either. Do I just call HR?

Anyway in the letter I explained to here my boundaries (NC and MC) and told her she needs to make a choice.

I know that she did some research on Monday night regarding apartments - but nothing after that. And she acts as if she never got the letter from me.

I got back late last night. Now it's time to talk about this. I can post a copy of the letter I wrote if it is helpful - let me know.

I'm tired of being in limbo land. I love my W, but can't live like this.

If she says she won't do NC and leave the job, do I ask her to leave the house immediately and find somewhere to live? What if she wants to take our son?

Her parents are on my side. But no one has talked to her about this.

help...

before "the talk"

know thyself

know just what you are willing to DO (not say) if your conditions are not met

here is my suggestion

no sudden movements in front of your wife

have LARGE EARS and a very tiny mouth

maintain "soft" eye contct with your W at all times so you can "listen" to her body language

if she says something nonsensical, ask "I don't understand. Can you please elaborate?"

get HER to talk so you can observe her & learn what her emotional temperature might be

ask questions that are not "yes or no"

for instance: "Was there anything this past week that brought you great joy? What was it?"


make this "talk" pleasant FOR YOU ... have your favorite beverage available, turn off the phones, sit in a relaxed position ... wear something colorful & smell nice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

do not offer any ultimatums

simply state "It is unacceptable to me for our marriage to be a threesome."

re-state when necessary things like

"I want out marriage to be mutually satisfying."

"I will work hard to make this marriage happy for both of us."

"I am very concerned with what makes you happy,"

in the meanwhile ... get Plan B READY .... do not discuss this possibility with your W ... just get things ready

Pep

getting ready for Plan B

In my situation, it was very effective to sit down with a third party to mediate. Since the A, WH was never able to talk openly unless we had our MC there. For some odd reason, WH would speak more openly when MC was present. When it was just us, we never got anywhere in our "talks."

Pepperband's suggestions were very important.

Yes, Plan B needs to be prepared.

Good luck, you're a better person for doing this.