If you can keep the memories, hold onto those cards. If it hurts too much, put them in a safe place.

Cleaning is something many a BS does when in pain. It is sort of therapeutic in a way.

take care,
L.

thanks orchid as always

just had a hour long phone call from ws.it was bitter in the begining as usaul and then she brought up getting the divorce papers and signing right away i said i only talk marriage you will have to go to my attorny for divorce which i heard a member on here say,and she freaked the ****** out.she was pleading with me not to contest this and wants to do it right away.i stood firm on not doing it yet and then started to babble with her and told her maybe i will which started to shake her a little.then she ranted and raved about family members <on her side of family by the way >who call her and tell her shes wrong and maybe making a mistake about giving up ,telling me i can keep them in my life she dont need them anymore either etc.so i told her she needs to get some help about how let alone you want to throw away our marriage now you want to throw away life long relationships with family as well.it got a little deep and i kept my cool and did a little reverse babble orchid taught me and even though i shouldnt of brought up marriage talk i could hear her pause a few times like she was starting to cry.i started to tell her when she did something wrong to her grandfather <stole money from him>which stunned me when i heard about it a few years back and whewn she was caughtr she never went there no more and satill hasnt took res[ponsibility with it either btw.i just starting letting loose in a calm concerned way telling her forget how you feel about me right now what about him hes 85 years old are you ever gonna make things right with him while you have a chance or when faced with something difficult like your doin with me and him r u gonna run away.i at least know i got her to think about even if a little.she also said now shes truly happy and matured enough to know whats right for her, so i said i wish you well and if anything ever goes wrong dont sweat it cause you know how to escape responabilities real well by taking off just hope your not 65 or 70 years old when your truly happy,then i said goodbye and hung up.does anybody think this was wise lb positive negative?in anyway it made me feel a little better so im tryin to think of how to follow up she called b4 about a bill we have to pay tomorow should i act as nothing on the phone happened ,resume it or let her inniate?

U did fine. Notice the swing even when you mentioned about doing the D? Hm.... it's the nature of the beast.

So let it slide. Chances are she won't want to recall this convo since it didn't go her way. You will get your chance to play back some of that stuff later.

Be patient.... u did good. Proud of u! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

thanks orchid i was scared to death to let out alot without getting emotional but i figured i had nothing to lose by letting it out.she was pushing for me to sign so i saidafter no originally do you have em today bring em by ill sign today.she said not yet .i said when ,she said asap i said oh ok well see how i feel about it then.made her crazy,i see she is a looney bin right now just like you said shed be so im just gonna roll with the flow until my books get here.the only question is its been 50 days since she left is it still possible to use the books effectifly to pull her out of this ?

jm 75 Please, please use the enter key to create some paragraphs. I would love to help you but I just can't read your posts.

Just a tip!

oh ok thanks and sorry

Just continue the broken record thing - "I don't want a divorce, if you want one, you will have to do everything". These affairs never last. Your best hope is making a good life for yourself, and hoping the affair ends.

At least then, YOUR life is good.

don't be sorry. please. readability of your posts will just get far more answers

The question isn't if the books will help her. It's if the books will help you. They will help if you read and apply them. With guidance from a good MC familar with MB principals or phone counseling with Jennifer C @ MB, you could really be using the tools to the best of their ability. Remember this is about you helping yourself 1st.

You can't teach or help a Ws. The WS has to realize their own predicament (BS can help by a good plan A, then plan B if needed and a few sprinkles of other tools like reverse babble, etc.) but basically the WS has to shed the WS skin and want to come home but NOT as a WS.

Given that your W is a WS and you are a BS, what's your next move?

L.

to get grounded ,stall on the d stuff,little more exposure,and?i dont really know a next move yet

It takes time...lots of time.

It took us (I am the FWW),getting legally separated and being 3,000 miles apart for over 6 months before we even started talking reconcilliation. We are 2 years into recovery and doing well now.

Take care of yourself...read everything you can get your hands on. Make yourself the man your wife wishes you were. Plan A!!!

Stay calm, it can get better.

thank you for letting me see im still early in this.its tough but with people like yourself ,i get a sense of hope and the courage to continue
since you were a fww can you tell me how i should stall the divorce without getting her crazy?
everything shes sayin is a rush job like shed give me anything i want to sign?

My husband too was rushing to try to get me to sign the separation papers. He sent them to me only 2 weeks after d-day. I refused to sign for 2 months, which made him even more upset. I finally signed, it was the most difficult thing I have ever done. We stopped fighting about me signing then. He knew I didn't want to sign, I made that overly clear to him. I did it, I signed, we stopped fighting, the ball was now in his court, just as he wanted it. A few months later we were starting to talk reconcilliation.

do you have any insight of how or what would make a ws come out of her fog?

No, in my case I was the one who desperately wanted to save the marriage, husband wanted out fast.

I read the divorce busters books, and went on the website. The 180 approach worked for me. Basically I gave in to his wishes, stopped fighting the separation, and let things unfold the way my husband wanted.

It was really hard to step back and give him time away, lots of time, but in the end it worked, and he came back!

how did you iniate contct while seperated so he could see your change?

I let him contact me. It was really hard, to fight my urges to e-mail or call. But it worked. He called, not as often as I wished, but he called. I kept the calls light, and let him have control. No heavy stuff when you talk if at all possible.

i see what you mean ,like not smothering.
no matter how hard just sit back and see what will happen without doing anything to backslide it correct?

Before I came to this site, and read tons of books, I was e-mailing ang calling all the time, begging, pleading, crying, threatening to kill myself, etc. It was bad when I look back at things.

It took awhile, but the calls, got better, and more frequent. We slowly became friends again, instead of enemies.

Everything inside me made me not want to sign the papers. But in the end I did, and it actually helped him trust me. I let him control the situation and it worked.

Try not to smother her, it will drive her away.