A few years ago while on business, my wife propositioned a man she meet in the workplace. They went out to dinner (he joked it was on the up and up since she was married). Our marriage was going through a rough time after our second child that was an accident, but she blamed me for it.

My wife was just starting to discover drinking (business travel really encourages this) as well as drug use.

She was running from her life, was mad at me for not being open enough for her and working too much. When she went out with this person, she said it felt like a date. After a few drinks she invited him back to her hotel.

Luckily (for us) this Other Man has "some" decency. He was nearly 20 years older and had contracted herpes during the 60's. He warned her about this and said a physical relationship wasnt a good idea.

However an emotional one did develop and lasted over a year. I found out about it when she asked me to use her computer and I saw an email that seemed strange.

I confronted her then, but she said it was just someone who was flirting with her. Months later she told me the whole story but also that she saw him one last time on her final business trip to that city.

Since then she has initiated one last email exchange that I have not yet confronted her about. However we have had good conversations about it and I have finally let her know (and let myself feel) how much it has hurt me.

I know I need to be completely honest very soon and that we need to set some rules and we are working towards that.

In the mean time, is there any advice on how to stop re-playing the images of her with him over and over?

When we do discuss this again, should I ask her to take me through the whole thing as I really do believe what I make up in my mind is much worst then reality.

I think it's a toss-up. Sometimes what really happened is not as bad as you think, and sometimes it's worse.

I believe you can get past the whole images thing in time, but the immediate problem is trying to recover the marriage. Working the program first will help you deal with the images later.

OneMan,

First and foremost, I would strongly suggest you get yourself tested for every STD under the sun. This OM admits to Herpes, and gawd knows what else he may have that he shared with your wife, and by extension YOU.

And BTW, even though a WS insists its only an EA, you always assume its physical to the extent you protect your own health. Its the responsible thing to do.

Can't count how many years and thousands of "I'm not sleeping with him/her, I swear it!" we've seen here, when indeed it has been physical all along.

Don't believe it. Get tested!!!

Jo

Its been over a year since her last business trip to that city. This may sound really dumb but wouldnt I know by now if I contracted something?

OneMan -

Get tested. Get tested now!

STDs have different incubation periods, and affect different people differently. For example, Herpes. Some people contract it and it doesn't show up for years.

I believe HIV also has an incubation period.

For your own personal health safety and peace of mind, get tested. You may not have anything - but if you do, you'd be better off knowing than not.

In my case what I believed in my mind was better then what actually happened.

Let me tell you that I heard we were just friends about 200 times before I contacted some people and found out they were more.

Even after I spoke with OM who admitted to sleeping with FWW she still denied it.

So like everyone else has said get tested. What they say in the begginning is just the tip of the iceberg.

BTW if a man has herpes he can still have SF they just have to be more cautious. They should obviously refrain from it during outbreaks but not all men or women do. With the new medications they have outbreaks are less frequent.

How many men do you know who would pass up on that offer? I can think of only one and you are lucky your W found him.

When I see this written out, it seems silly to believe that a 50yr old man would not accept an offer from a 30yr (attractive) woman.

Am I a complete idiot for believing her? As I sit here right now, I can say that I do. We have had a lot of dialog about this issue. The bad part is I do feel apprehensive about asking these questions again.

It been so heart wrenching to hear about the emotional aspect of the affair, it would just kill me to find out there was a physical one as well.

One,

No, it wouldn't kill you to find out...you are stronger than that...you may have been dealing with this very thought, deep within yourself, during this time, to acclimate yourself to your worst fear coming true...

I believe you're committed to saving your marriage...and this would be a deal breaker for the old you...and I'm not sure about the new you.

Find all the ways this would change it from an Affair to an Affair...find out in yourself...might be why the emotional part went first...truly would be the deepest...I don't know...let us know.

I'm with them...get tested. It is a natural and healthy consequence for your wife, too. Part of the way back, IMHO.

LA

No you are not an idiot.

Again my FWW told me she didn't after I heard from OM she did. I BELIEVED HER TOO.

Nobody wants to believe the worse about their spouse.

Knowing probably won't kill you. Not knowing might.

You have a right to know what happened because it affects you.

When I say not knowing might I am not talking about disease either. Just the physical strains this is putting on you.

I feel like I have aged 10 years in these last 3 years.

Trust but verify.

You are a fool if you believe it to the extent that you fail to take action and get yourself tested [for every STD under the sun..yes..long Q-tips will be involved].

You are a fool if you discount the words of experience based on hundreds if not thousands of both BSs and FWSs who ALL say it was more physical than the recently FWS or actively WS will admit to and instead choose to believe a known liar and betrayer because..frankly her version is more comfortable whether it is true or not.

You are not a fool for encouraging honesty and having a willingness to rebuild trust..rebuilding trust involves a process of transparency.

The more the WS struggles against exposure..the more they have to coneal.

Tell wife you plan to be tested and ask that she be tested as well..if only to relieve your anxiety.

If she hesistates or withdraws there are two possibilities..

1 She has something to hide and fears exposure.

or

2 She is not willing to accept responsibility for her actions and their consequences and chooses instead to focus on some ridiculous and imagined affront to her "dignity".

Get tested. Snoop. Believe nothing at this point.

I caught WH and OW together. OW lied to my face and told me she has no idea that we were still together and that they were just friends. Told me that she would not accept any more of his calls nor would she call him.

Lied. Lied. Lied.

My WH lied through his teeth. I put a recorder on our home phone and listened to hours of taped conversations between the two of them. He found it and said........

Oh, I knew it was there all along and all those conversations were staged for your benefit. I was just playing your game.

Lied. Lied. Lied. Still lying while still trying to get me to come home and work on marriage. He's had at least 4 As that I have found out about.

There's always a part of you that wants to believe what they say b/c you don't want to believe that they could hurt you like that. But, you have to protect yourself physically and emotionally.

Not really you could have it and not show any signs for years Actually even if you had a test for herpes now ,it would come back negative until you have a blister.And chances are they had sex. Heard the same thing from my WH for years that him and his Friend never had sex. Oh bull.

I know I shouldnt be blind or pretend all is OK. I have a physical coming up, will ask my doc about running some tests. Its very depressing to hear signs may not show up for years and tests may not be correct.

I have been doing a lot of snooping and our conversations and communications have been going better than ever before. Besides a recent email exchange with OM, and this six months since the last contact, nothing points me to think she is not telling me the truth about a physical relationship.

This not being able to trust phase really sucks. Actually this whole thing sucks. However in a strange way it has caused me to really look at and challenge who I am. Of course if I had a magic wand I would make it all go away and go back to the ignorance of the past. But since I'm being forced to go through this, might as well learn as much as I can along the way.

Some days are better than others.

life2short is right, they will lie lie lie. I still catch mine in lies to this very day and its been years since his affairs. If it walks like a duck talks like a duck, its a duck

Oddly enough my wife and I just got on the subject of our relationship and how I was feeling so I used it as an opportunity to ask again.

I said how strange it was that the OM didnt take advantage of the situation. She explained the evening again but I told her I had a hard time accepting it. She said she understood why I would. I asked her how I could be convinced, she said she didnt know. I asked her to swear on our childern, something I have never asked before for anything, nor thought I ever would. She did.

We then got interupted by the kids. I'll never say never, but with the evidence I have right now I'm choosing to beleive my wife. And the EA is going to keep us busy for a while. Luckily we have our first MC appointment on Thurs. She has been in IC for a little while and I just started. When you find the right person, I couldnt recommend it more highly.

Wish me luck and clear vision <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

OneMan - if she is lying, one day she will crack. She can't keep a secret like that forever.

and do get tested. My wife also claimed no sex, I got tested - all clear.

Oneman -
I pray that you are right. Guess it's just my negativity showing but, knowing now what I didn't know then it's absolutely amazing just how much my WH has lied. It also makes me question everything he has ever told me.
How do I know that he lied? I had the taped conversations. He lied to me, lied to OW, etc.

Just lied.

Anyway, I hope your situation will be different. I'm sure that truly happens sometimes. Hope yours is the one.

I would just hate for you to get blindsided and hurt by trusting everything a WS says.

I concur with life,

I hope you are right. I do not think it is negativity showing but experiance in what you are going through now.

My FWW swore on her Grandma who she loved more then anyone. In the end she was lying.

I really hope it is different for you too. I really do.

But for your sake like you said get tested.

It still doesn't prove nothing happened but it will give you a piece of mind.

Here's to clarity, One...I respect your choice to believe in your wife, eyes wide open.

I choose not to believe if you had a magic wand you would return to ignorance...it costs...and growth doesn't.

Keep us updated, 'k? Are you guys doing communication exercises? Great to know you're talking and sharing. You were brave.

LA