(I am moving this thread that I originally had posted in the Emotional Needs Section)

Okay I will try not to make this too long. This is my first post and I found this website link from another forum that I am a member of.

Okay here is the situation, please tell me what you think. I am 31, hubby is 34. Have been married for 14 years, we have two girls ages 14 and 7. When dh (dear hubby...not sure your lingo here yet) and I were first together I was very young, 16 and him 19. Anyways back then I was very jealous of his sister in law....his brothers wife. She was about 23 and they were like the best of friends. They always hung on the phone, found reasons to go run errands together, etc....and to top the cake he called me her name during sex once! Now keep in mind this was a LONG time ago and we've all grown up and I put it all behind me I just felt like if they did, things happen, people change. His own sister once told me that the family had it rumored that them two were fooling around back then so I wasn't crazy they thought it too.

Fast forward to last year..... by this time we are all grown up, have a great marriage, great life. Well I noticed by accident one day that her work number showed up quite a bit on his bill. BUT her job is a HUGE place and could have been anybody he was calling, everyone in the building has extensions so no matter who he called or who called him it showed up as ******** main number. Okay I really did find this by accident so I decided to go online and look at my acct. and our cell company lets you look back 6 months and they were talking alot, alot of calls that is not alot of time because where she works you can't just hang on the phone. Okay so I automatically assumed it was her. I asked him and he said he was calling customers, yeah right not that many. With his job he occasionally has to call customers but not that much. I even did some snooping and the customers he says he called were no longer even customers of his anymore so I caught him lying right there. Anyways there was also a few times when he would call her work number and then I assumed he would get her voicemail because he would immediately call her house ( I assumed looking for her ). So the phone calls stopped right then when we had a big blow out fight about it, did not call the number ONCE again.

Well two weeks ago, I flipped through his phone and noticed that he had 6 missed calls like in 5 minutes time so I made a note of the number and to make a long story short, this phone is in the same work place but it is just a phone in the cafeteria so it didn’t register as the main number that I knew, so I again automatically assumed it was her, I figured who else would call him, and when looking on his bill now, that number has been calling him the past two months. Who else could it be? I even came to work the day after I saw the number on his phone and called it at lunch time and someone answered (sounded just like her) and I asked is this ****** (co. name) and the girl hung up on me and I had a co-worker call and the girl told him it was **** (another company name) Well my co-workers girlfriend who also works in the same building was the one that confirmed this was sister in laws job because this other girl went upstairs to their cafeteria and called me on my cell so I could see the number and it was that place.

Okay so dh and I got into a HUGE fight, went back and forth for about two days until I decided AGAIN that I did not have enought proof to prove anything. So the day after I decided to forget about it, (June 10), I had gone to the movies with a friend and when I got home I realized I didn't have my housekey so I called his cell to let me in the house and got his voicemail....well with all of my uneasiness about this whole thing I listened to his voice mails and he had one from her that says "It's finished". That is all it says. But it is her voice. So I went in the house and played it on speaker phone and he says he has no idea what she meant by that but he refused to call her in front of me to ask her. I told him that maybe his brother will like to hear the message in the morning. Well I go for a ride (by this time it's 1 am), and when I get home I pressed redial on the home phone and he had called his voicemail and deleted the message!! But I had already forwarded it to my phone and changed my password. Well I asked brother in law to meet me the next morning, which he did and I told him everything and let him hear the voicemail. He is convinced that SOMETHING has happened between them two. But neither one of them will admit to anything.

What else could it be? I mean all of the coincedences, the calls, him deleting the voicemail!!

Anyways he is wanting to act like we are back to normal now, I have told him I just need to know the truth, that if he was cheating with her I won't leave him, that I understand mistakes happen and we can get through it if he loves me but he keeps denying anything. I feel like he's protecting her and he doesn't love me if he can't confess. It has been two weeks and I don't know what to do. I hate when he reaches for my hand, I hate when he tries to hold me at night or act "normal". I feel like I just feel "blah" about him, sorry to use such a stupid word but I thats how I feel. His brother has been calling me and he is so hurt, he has cried to me a few times and he really loves her and he tells me to try to forgive him even if they did. He knows we don't have hardcore proof but I think he believes it's true too, he also said he wished I told him last year when I was suspecting it, but I told him that I didn't have enough proof to accuse (especially a family member) of this. I feel her voicemail is all the proof I need now.

How can I get through this, I don't think that I can turn my head to this, even if I try to I don't think I can. I just don't want to be with him right now. But the thought of being alone scares me so bad. He has always been my world, our home is full of happy kids, laughter and us always cutting up and playing and now just the sight of him makes me mad.

He would not consider marriage counseling. Okay so if I did decide to turn my head to this.....how do I know they won't continue the affair, I mean we will always have to know her. It's not like she's a co-worker that he could avoid or something. Right now I don't know how I am going to any family function with them again. His sister whom I very close with and confided in last year when I first starting suspecting heard the voicemail and knows its her voice and she doesn't see any other explanation either. There is nothing else I can tell him to make him tell me. I have cried, threatened to leave and begged and pleaded for the truth but he won't tell me anything.

Is this all of the proof I need? I mean I know I don't have pictures or anything but how many coincedences can I take?

Sorry for this being ridiculously long but I have so much on my mind and I'm sure I left some stuff out. Please tell me what you think.

tctx

just to let you know the weekends are usually very slow as so many have obligations like taking kids to various sports etc. BUT you have got to the right area in GQ11, very good people here who can give you a lot of help from experience.

First I am sorry you had to find yourself here. That said its good place to find the right advice and obtain professional MC from the Harleys as well.

Now from what you have described and coming from a wife who did cheat I am sorry to say, it does appear very likely that your H did cheat and probably still feels attachment to your sil or ow/op (other woman/man/person).
Though its hard its best to be honest in dealing with this and yes it hurts big time, but call it what it is ... cheating, adultery. And it does not need to be even physical, emotional affairs are just as terrible in a M as any other kind of cheating.

There are some good basics I would recommend you read here by clicking on the "Just found Out" pages and reading the posts named
For Newly Betrayed Spouses by Longhorn
WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses by worthatry
and maybe Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes by OneGoing if you wish but terms like dh for dear husband are common.

There are no quick fixes. Especially as it appears to be a situation where your H has been in & out of a relationship with your sil over many years, one of the dangers of not having complete NO CONTACT, you can get sucked back into the affair before you know it. Its likely that has happened here over and over.

There are some basic truths though which need to be said.. YOU did not cause your H affair, he CHOSE it. You most likely share some responsibility for the relationship getting to a place where he would consider this, however so does he!! DO NOT allow him to ever blame you for HIS decisions.
In my case I chose my he11 no one pushed me. However expect one of the first things after admission, which is yet to come, that its your fault according to him. not true.

Please read the info on this site plus what the posts I referred you to, they are very helpful and are great starts.

And long posts are FINE.

when you have read the posts I would also suggest you get some phone counselling from the Harleys and make a PLAN. I found that professional advice and counselling was so helpful rather than trying to do it by myself.... not cheap but then how much is a M worth? cheaper than a lawyer as my Mum and some here told me.

GET the knowledge, make a plan and there are good odds to recover your M.

all the best ...AW

As in regard to the title of your post. If H is having an affair with SIL (hypothetically speaking), that in and of itself is not enough to end your marriage. If he is having an affair, each (or both) of you have to decide whether you want to end the marriage. Many people have affairs without realizing it. The EA (emotional affair) is every bit as much an affair as a PA (sex). People who do not understand that an EA is still an affair may deny the affair since there is no sex involved. So it is important to set some guidelines as to what constitutes an affair. Somebody posted here that anything you hide from your spouse can be regarded as affair behavior. I think that is a good litmus test. If your husband is doing things he wants hidden from you, that is not a healthy marriage.

The next question is what would you do if you found out your husband were having an affair with SIL. That is not as simple as it sounds. Most of us prior to our Ddays would have said "divorce" but, if that had been the case, none of us would be posting on this web site.

What does SIL's husband think of this? Do you think he has any suspicions too? I don't believe in coincidences. I also would not get too confrontational right now. have you read the Plan A/Plan B section of the web site?

Your husband may or may not be having an affair. It does sound strange all the secret communication. It is definitely not correct. You also are afraid of being alone. That is perfectly normal to feel that way. For the moment I would just keep snooping but don't let your husband know what you find out. Try to get more evidence. Cheaters find creative ways to continue an affair. Secret cell phones. Phone cards.

I have marked my wife's tires at night and counted her cash. It is not hard to find evidence when you have some idea what to look for. Just don't panic. Be calm and work through this. Somewhere on this site is a checklist for affair behavior. I found that insightful.

Hey there,
welcome to MB.

First off, please get you hand on a copy of Suviving an Affair and read it cover to cover.

Read the artciles here on the site dealing with infidelity.

In the "just found out section" there are some great threads- that are at the top- also find and read Pep's threads concerning the carrot and the stick of plan A.

You can recover from this, but you will have to avoid contact with your SIL from now on.

That will make it hard since you are family, but it is one of the consequenses of poor choice.

Is it possible to get into his emails? Have you considered a keylogger on his computer to see if he is contacting her in other ways?

You might put a voice activated recorder in his car to see if he speakes to her on the phone in the car.

GPS is also an option to see if they are meeting.

Keep reading and keep posting.

Hang in there

Thanks for replies.... I have to say that after lurking here on the forum over the weekend, I feel not so alone. When the thought of your marriage being over is there, it is a horrible pain and fear that I realize now alot of people have to face no matter what I decide I know I'm not alone.

No I would not leave my H if he would only admit it to me. He just keeps saying nothing happend, when I have so many things that don't make sense, and I feel in my heart they had something going on.

To be honest with you guys I would forgive him for an affair, it's the lying that I can't take. He is pretty much busted and can't admit to it. I will never be able to trust him and I don't know if I could live like that. With him not admitting it I feel like he has feelings for her and is putting her before me.

I cannot be too judgemental of an affair since I got myself into that mess a couple of years ago with a co-worker. I began to have an EA which eventually turned into a PA with a married man. I am very ashamed of this and I don't know why I did it. I know that this sounds stupid but I still loved my husband through the whole thing, some people may think that is not possible but I think it is. H never found out and the guy no longer works with me but we call eachother every once in a while just to chat. However when all of this mess was revealed a couple of weeks ago I was so disgusted at him and myself I went into my cell and deleted XMM numbers, the fact that I still had his number and spoke on occasion to him made me sick. How can I be living such a double standard?

Of course I would forgive him, I KNOW how these things happen, I know sometimes feelings start for others that we don't expect and sometimes we act on them. But I feel like if he can't tell me then theres nothing left for me to work on. Why keep denying something I already know? Does he have feelings for her?

As far as BIL he does believe they had something, I think he is more hurt than me because that is his own brother. That is another thing, I am married to man that can have an affair with his own brothers wife, what kind of person can do that?

So my question is not really "Is this enough to end my marriage?" But is the fact that he won't tell me what I already know, with all of the proof that I have enough to end my marriage? I just need his honesty thats all, why can't he just tell me so we can go on with our lives? I can't live a lie and pretend nothing happened.

tctx

well the problem that glares here is obvious, neither yourself or your H are being honest are you?

You had an A with both EA & PA and it would appear he did the same, well at least an EA.

The question is perhaps not that HE cannot be honest with you but can you both be honest with each other?

I would suggest that you both distanced yourself from each other emotionally for some time during these A's, probably at around the same times, and maybe thats why it has only come to your notice now when you find it is your M that you want and you are beginning to want to work on it.

I can guarantee your M will either be what it is right now for ever or get worse as long as you both are lying to each other. It really is that simple. OK who goes first? you or H in telling the truth.
It certainly is the right thing to tell your H about your affair but far more difficult in the circumstances where you dont have enough to really nail the two with, becasue they will wriggle and twist and deny until they are forced to admit SOMETHING happened.
Both your BIL and you need to confront 'gently' your H and his W and let them know YOU know.
While you should not lie you do not need to inform them of your sources however you can say you have recordings full stop no further info.
It's likey one or both will break down the wall and tell one of you. Not pleasant for your BIL or you of course and he may need some help from here just as yourself.

There will be a temptation to blame each other, I did because YOU did it, sort of thing so be aware of that and think it through. I doubt if he knew he would have done or said nothing and ditto for you.

So now is the time to read the info here, read the books suggested and GET PROFESSIONAL HELP from a pro M counsellor .
Once the Genie is out of the bottle, knowledge of A's, they tend to have a life all their own and if you dont act to work on your M you are likely to lose it. GET MOVING!! Go get a counsellor , the Harley's or whoever but get them now.
You have a complicated issue that needs a lot of experience so go and get it.

All the best

aussieswife~ I know that I'm not being honest either, but what if I did tell him to "hopefully" bring him to his breaking point of telling me the truth. I have other things to think about, example, the OMM that I had A with, what about him? I know I don't owe him anything but we did get into that mess together and promised eachother we would not tell anyone. What about his wife and kids? If I reaveled the A to H he would most likely in anger make sure this other guy suffered by telling his wife! Then I still don't have enough to prove that he is guilty and then that will be leave me the only one "caught". What if he leaves me over it and then the whole thing becomes my fault because I cheated, he will look like the innocent one and his affair will never come out.

It's not the cheating that hurts the most that he did, its that he won't break down and tell me, that's all I want. I just want to know SO BAD.

because you are capable of lying to yourself

soooooooo

honesty is a problem with both of you



evidently you can .... you've been living with your own lies since your own affair !!!

Pep

pepperband- your absolutely right! I know that I am living a double standard to an extent. Had my H found out about my A and confronted me with proof and cried to me begging for the truth or lose him. I would never choose to keep the secret of my A if it meant losing him. Even after my affair with MM ended I wanted to tell him the truth because I felt we couldn't go on with this horrible secret I was keeping.

Then I just thought, why hurt him if I don't have to? Why risk losing him? Maybe that way of thinking was wrong but that is what I decided was best.

If he wants to have an all out honesty discussion and put everything out of the table, I am more than willing to to keep our marriage and begin healing. But if I pour out my heart to him, I am almost sure he will still not tell me because his affair is with his brothers wife, to me that makes a big difference in the reason why he can't tell me. Because of WHO she is.

I know I did wrong and I am living with that regret, I just can't believe he would let us end up divorcing just to keep his secret a secret, that is where the difference is between his A and mine. To me NOTHING is worth losing him and I would tell him everything if it meant not losing him. He acts like he can lose me just to keep his affair a secret. How can I stay with him, how will I know it won't continue? Afterall she is family. It's not like she'll just go away.

How can there ever be trust again? I know in my heart I would never do that to him again, I knew that a long time ago, but how will I know whats in his heart?

I would suggest you use every available means to get the evidence you would need to prove to him you know about his A with SIL. Evidence that would stand up in court, using keyloggers, recorders, even hiring a PI, if that's what it takes.

When you have the proper proof, call the Harley's, the owner/founder of this site, and let them tell you the best way to use your evidence, the best way to come clean about your affair, and the best course of action to take to "fix" your marriage.

Your H will deny till his dying breath, as he is just as reluctant to have the truth be known as you. However, in the whole scheme of things, you must be prepared to expose to YOUR OM's W, through a NC letter, because your EA is still going on, in a way.

Seek professional help. Yours is a sticky wicket. It's time to get all the cards on the table, or the house of cards will soon collapse.

Best wishes,
SD

okay, so I email SIL at work today asking her to tell me what is going on....... telling her that I heard the voice mail and that I know something went on and one of them need to admit it so we can all go on with our lives among some other things and she simply replied:

"I did not call him and leave any message. I have not been with him. I am happy where I'm at."

So out of my obsessiveness I played the voicemail for myself about 1o times to confirm to myself it is her (AGAIN) and I KNOW it is.

I think I'm losing it.

All you'll do with knee-jerk actions is drive the A further underground, so it will be far more difficult to prove.

You have a couple of choices. Do it your way, or lean on people in these forums who have BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, and are well-versed in how to go about this with a PLAN.

Did you read my last post above...that's still your best course of action IMHO.

At this point they'll be super secretive, maybe even lay low and not have any A contact for a while. A PI may be your best option.

Please think about it.

Read all you can here on this website and learn all you can about infidelity. There is nothing too LOW for a person involved in an affair. They will do ANYTHING to keep it hidden, maintain the contact with the A partner, and nothing they do with faze them in any way. It is simply SOP, Standard Operating Procedure for wayward spouses.

One last thing, if your "gut" is telling you something is going on, then there's a 98% chance that someing is going on. Keep listening...

Best wishes,
SD

I have been reading but I am in a bad situation because I have a H who won't communicate with me! He is trying to act like nothing is wrong with us...he's made weekend plans. He is acting like he will ignore this and it will go away. I keep playing her voicemail for myself "It's finished" What else could that mean? Nothing. He won't ask her for me what it means, I asked if the four of us could sit and talk, his brother, SIL and myself and he said no it would be too embarressing. Embarressed? Please! If nothing has happened between them two why wouldn't he want to prove it to me?

He called me at work yesterday to tell me that Sat. morning we were going to go ride bikes on the beach (things I love to do but he has NEVER wanted to before). So when I got home I told him to stop acting like nothing happened and to stop acting like we're fine because we aren't. We need to communicate and fix this and he started going off of me...let just say he used the "F" word a lot and called me a "B" quite a few times. I don't get it. Thats not like him.

I'm about ready to throw in the towel here:

Here are my two options:

1) Believe him and his unbelievable lies and pretend we are okay and never be truely happy with him again. And always wonder if him and SIL are still having A. The whole time believing he doesn't really even love me since he never was willing to communicate and fix the marriage. Saving the kids from the hurt of their parents seperation. But letting myself be unhappy and hurt.

2) Tell him it's over, praying that he will break down and tell me because he does love me. If not, put the kids through ****** with a seperation/divorce and try to figure out how to be alone. Worry about being able to suuport myself and the kids on one income, worry about their well being through this is my biggest worry.

These are the options he has left me with him putting up a brick wall between us on the subject.

What I really want is for us to go to marriage counseling, put everything out! If I had to I would tell of my A years ago and he would tell me what has/is happening with SIL. We would tell eachother how much we hurt but still love eachother and begin to work on our marriage. Why can't he see that we can make our marriage work if he only opened up to me?

I am so mad right now that I want to go and go off on SIL. I can't believe that I haven't yet. I just feel like I've lost just sitting back doing absolutely nothing. They won is how I feel...and I look like an idiot.

What do I do? I am ready to make him leave but I don't want to, what other choice do I have if he is not willing to do anything.

Why won't he call her and ask her what the voicemail meant if he wasn't messing around with her? Don't you think he is guilty if he isn't willing to do that?

If your spouse were accusing you of cheating because of a voicemail that they heard from another person and you had no idea why that person left you that voicemail wouldn't you call to prove it to your spouse? Or would you let your spouse leave you just because your "embarressed to call".

Sorry for the ramble guys, thank so much for being here!

I would go with option 3 and tell him point blank that you believe that he and SIL had an affair..that you have no intention of trying to prove yourself..and that if he wants to prove his innocence you are willing to listen.

When you are dealing with a WS, there is simply no amount of truth or logic that will penetrate the fog they are in.

He is in a Wayward mindset, and your words mean nothing. They exist in and on a different plane, one a faithful spouse cannot understand.

I will stay with my previous suggestions. Lay low, do some serious covert investigating and find the irrevokable evidence of what's going on.

Losing your temper and participating in Angry Outbursts towards him or anyone else will only help him justify his actions, because you continue to "prove" to his foggy brain that you ARE the "bitc#" he's trying to make you.

Read all about Plan A and follow it to the very best of your ability while you continue to investigate. Purchase a keylogger to install on his computer. Get phone records off the internet and monitor how often they speak. Scour all credit card receipts and look for unusual purchases, meals for two, gifts or other questionable purchases. Lastly, give some thought to hiring a PI, especially if you can't monitor where he is throughout an average day.

Constant confrontation without proof will lead to them going deeper underground, and make them more cunning, therefore harder to catch. Now is not the time to stir the pot. Let it simmer for a while, and let them relax in their colusion.

Keep reading and become as familiar with the MB program as you possibly can. Doing otherwise can make bringing the A to an end and reconciliation much more difficult.

All this did not come about overnight, nor will it be fixed overnight. This process is at best a marathon, not a sprint. It is often referred to as the roller coaster from he//. Plug in some patience and prepare yourself for the "long haul". Please consider calling the Harley's for guidance for this journey. Expensive? Yes...but cheaper than a divorce, and their input will protect you from making mistakes that could prolong your journey. You can do this...

Best wishes,
SD

I agree with Shattered Dreams. You need a plan, try not to react emotionally. We here who are BS's know what happens when you act that way, been there, done that. There is another choice besides the two listed above, try it the MB way. Many on here swear by it, it will help YOU recover, whether or not your M will recover. It helps define what you can do to improve things, and that is all that you can do or controll.

It does seem like you don't have enough information. There are ways to get the information, as Shattered suggested, keyloggers on personal computers (you shouldn't do this on company computers). Work together with your BIL, see if he is willing to gather evidence as well. You have stated you still want your M, do you know how your BIL feels?

I am guessing that you put them more underground. They may stop for awhile, until they feel safe and then start up again. If you do the keylogger and your WH communicated in e-mail, you will be able to obtain his password and get into his account. You may be able to see past e-mails. In my sitch, my WH became more secretive the more I found out and didn't save them. Some WS's do, that is why it would be great if you BIL did it too. The keylogger will record every keystroke, so you will be able to read that they send. It also records when they receive an e-mail and open it. If they both use company e-mail, it would be very difficult to obtain the communication. There are also voice-activated recorders you can put in the car for instance. They do get "smarter", my WH used a phone card after the 1st d-day. They can also buy pre-paid cell phones, pay phones. But they almost always slip up at some point. You need to move quickly as there may be evidence you can find now, but it may soon be destroyed.

Your WH's actions are right out of the book, they always deny, even when you have the evidence you do, the voice-mail. You know what it means, your BIL knows, they know, you don't need to keep proving to your WH what it means, he will not say it at this point.

Next, while you are doing the above, Plan A your WH, if possible. It will also help you to try to focus on doing something rather than replaying the recording in your head. Try to work on you, do things to improve yourself, exercise program, new haircut, take a class. This will help boost your self-esteem, which like a lot of us here, is at an all time low.

After you have the evidence, confront your WH. I wouldn't show him the evidence, and don't reveal how you got it. Then you need to tell him about your A. You both need to have a long talk about your M. You will both need to write a NC letter. You will need to expose to the OMW, you owe your WH loyalty, not the MOM in keeping a secret. You need to do this in a way your WH and yourself agree on together. Your husband needs to expose to his brother. I don't know what the Harley's advise about NC for life when it is a family situation. Your WH owes your BIL that, he betrayed both of you. Do not have a big screaming argument with your SIL right now, it will only hurt things. There may be a time for you to confront her, but not now. Do now continue to ask both of them what the voicemail means either, you'll only get nonesense back.

Keep posting, but don't get discouraged, the holiday weekend will be slow. I will try to check on you, but I am out of town on business and will be on the road on Sunday.

Okay I'm trying my best to take you guys' advice and lay low and watch things for a while. But I don't think I have to tell anyone here how hard that is.

I did just the opposite Friday night. My friend and I had gone to a movie and afterward she needed to run by Walmart on the way home. Well SIL works there part time and I knew she'd be working on a Friday night. Well I had no intention of speaking with her, infact my friend and I were joking about the fact we could look mean at her (not really) while we were there. Well we were just walking with our basket and SIL was right in front of us. She looks at me and turns her head. Well I knew she had to be on break because she is a cashier. I told my friend to take the basket and go and I went up to SIL and told her I wanted to talk to her.

To make a long story short, she started crying and saying that wasn't her voice on the voice mail (yes it is) and she and H have never talked. How much she wished I believed her and how much she doesn't want me mad at her or have me and H break up. I swear she could have won an emmy. I almost felt bad for her. I told her that I didn't believe either one of them and I better not find out she is still calling him. Okay how bad of a move was this on my part? Why would she cry? I know I wouldn't if I was innocent. To me she is upset that I know and am confronting her with it. And she may regret what she has done. I don't know but I am still convinced that they had/having A.

Okay so what do I do now? Can I start Plan A with no confession? I have been doing for myself for a couple of months now. I've been working out like crazy...tanning...things to make myself feel better. Going to the movies/dinner with friends. I've been trying to make "me" happy.

I need to start to try to make our home happier. I mean we have a happy home from what people see. But I am trying to be more attentive to H. He told me the other day that I never sit by him anymore. He says I used to give him lots of attention and now I ignore him. So I'm gonna try even though I am so mad and hurt right now I do love him.

I will be watching like a hawk for clues though. This is so funny.... but he works for a company where he has a company vehicle that he brings home. He also has his own vehicle for weekends etc. Well a few times what I would do is if I knew he was going somewhere I would take his keys and unlock his passenger door to his company vehicle before he would leave in his own car. I would go through his truck while he was gone. Since this is what he drives all week (when I assume they would meet)and look for things, I found a few small things that wouldn't make sense. Like I'd find his schedules for the month, some days it seemed he didn't work which didn't make sense.

Anyways he started making sure that the door to comp. truck was locked now when he'd leave. Well I figured a way to break in to his truck!! I take a long rod and there is a hole under the door handle and it pops the lock! So I will definitely be digging when I can and just watch for things. Surely the A will pick back up once things cool off for a while.

Okay so what do you think?

You need to weigh your actions and your goals. If you shut him out of your life now, why would he stay? Making yourself happy is one thing. But shutting him out is another. If you aren't working to build your marriage, what are you doing?

Hi cinderella...if you read what I wrote above. I did say that I was going to work on things for him....to try to give him more attention etc..BUT I am also doing for myself to help me to get through this. He isn't the one wanting to leave anyways, I was the one telling him that I wanted him to leave. I reall don't. What I want is for us to be "fixed". I am willing to do whatever it takes on my part but when you have someone who isn't trying in return it makes it really hard. That is is why I am biting the bullet right now and trying to make him happy. Even though I don't feel happy right now with him. Maybe it will start a pattern. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Maybe this is a way to start the healing.

If you can get into his truck, you can duct tape a voice activated recorder under the seat. Then you can check to see if you can hear anything suspicious.

In the meantime, stick with Plan A.