Ah Ha...maybe I should have read the theory prior to my out of body experience last night and could have prevented some serious drama.
Hit the breaking point and in a rage triggered by lies demanded H get out and even called all kids to have him explain why he would be leaving.
I did this very thing. I was hard on us all. I did it after I caught her on a secret cell phone she had hidden in the closet and I read the love messages on it.
Asked him to leave 3 wk ago and he refused...didn't want to traumatize children and says still wants M but no actions to back it up.
That is pretty common – especially very soon after Dday. I think it took my WW about 8 months after Dday before she started showing any real interest and only after about 4 months of NC. It takes time.
Says he has known what he needs to do to rebuild M but to this point he states he has consciously chosen not to do it...
Does her state WHY he has chosen not to do it? Does he even understand why?
Says he does not want to destroy family and will not leave; says he'll live in the basement if I can't stand to see him
Good. The longer he stays in your home, the better your chances of recovery.
If we are going ! to survive I need to spin the box as you stated in the 3 legged dog theory and find a view I can live with...
I am deep in the anger phase of the grief process...it suddenly appearred one day last week and I've been internally psycho since
Anger is a part of the process. It goes away. It comes back. It ebbs and flows. You think it is gone forever and some innocuous trigger brings it blazing back. I recently went ballistic over lasagna pasta.
How have you lasted so long in your sitch...really the theory and goal of being there for your girls?
I think the girls have kept me in it to this point. If it weren't for them, I would definitely be separated or divorced. I still love WW but she has not really put forth much effort so I am very tired of it all. I just want to keep my DD's as happy as possible and that includes self-sacrifice. That is part of the job of being a parent. My children didn't ask me to bring them into this world. That was my choice. I have to take complete ownership of the consequences.
My H said I was selfish for telling the kids about potential separation/D...thinks I should put up with anything to spare the kids...admits he is wrong and actually told all kids that this was all b/c Daddy likes to spend time with OW and not Mommy. My 5yr old may be the next SH...she conducted a mock court session using a hair brush for a gavel and interrogated both of us..."tell one thing you don't like about daddy...ok, now your turn dad. Dad you know you can't date chicks when your married, that equals D..." this went on for at least 20 minutes and the child was right on target about everything.
Maybe you were selfish. Were you? On the other hand, WH has no right to tell you how to behave since you apparently had no right to tell him to not have an affair. WH has to accept you just as you do him. Why did you tell the kids? That is not a criticism. Just an honest question. What was your goal?
I told my H that I may have prematurely exposed kids to! trauma but his actions and choices resulted in these consequences.
Absolutely. Spot on. Root cause analysis.
H says this AM he wants to try to slowly work on M by starting to be nice to me and see where it leads without any other conditions/issues etc for now...
Why does he dictate the process? Why don't you have a say? I wouldn't push too hard. It will take both of you a serious amount of time. But you two need to POJA the process.
I'll be spinning the box today!
You can rationalize anything if you look at it right. Just remember that there are hundreds of people here who swore they would never tolerate an A and yet they are committed to working on their marriages. They are no different from you. You can get there mentally. You just need to navigate the grief process.
Thanks for the insight...I know you must be challenged as well, but I am guessing you have great discipline!
I think you might be wrong. Actually I do have great discipline – I just have no patience.