Y'ALLia omnia in tres partes, divisa est.

You see? I done been educated. Know my guzintas pretty good too.

Ahhhhh, had to get a few hours shut eye! I see you and Todd are still at it...talking behind my back while I'm gone...typical

Todd would have been proud; DS got a science kit and we created superballs from polymer using test tube kits not to mention he became a Crystalologist! The kids were all fascinated at the transformations. There was one test tube that I did not participate in the creation (red flag), apparently it was some kind of concoction of make your own bubbles...ok they are running around the house blowing these bubbles that you can touch and hold...of course I'm preoccuppied, smile...nod and keep doing work...my DD2 comes in laughing hysterially with what appears to be a clear plastic bag attached to her forehead...that would be a huge polymer bubble...now my house has crusty, glue-like remnants from all the bubbles falling everywhere and drying...my kids hair looks like a glue facory (yeah this is about 30 min after they have all taken showers) and they are belly laughing like it's the greatest thing in the world:) You can't help but join them and forget that your home is now a glazed donut of sorts!!!

As for Bobpure's thread...I have mixed feelings...sometimes I feel that I need to forgive myself other days I feel like I need to forgive H, other days I plot fictional revenge where H has to experience a fraction of the hurt he has put me through...then I wake up

Is it late or early?

Well since this is (or was) my thread, I can say what I want to and I think Mr. Pure's thread is the most irresponsible thing (and maybe the only irresponsible thing) I have ever seen him do but I am sincerely disappointed. It just pissed me off.

I will add that, if it had been posted in the "recovery" forum, it would not have pissed me off. The fact that it is in this forum I have a specific problem with.

I have been experiencing some strange emotions over the past few days. I remember I started with blind rage on Wednesday and went to tranquility on Thursday to an absolute peace from Friday till today. This "indefinite" separation is the best thing that has happened in a long time. I honestly don't care whether WW comes back or not. I hope she does. I still love her. It is not that I don't want her to come back. It is hard to describe. I just feel so free. Not free of WW but free from the A. Even if she does come back, I suspect I might still feel it. Just knowing that I have other options – that life will go on (ir)regardless. I feel like maybe I am proving something to myself. I have fought for a year to keep her from leaving – to keep her in the marriage. Now I feel like I am truly letting go. Whatever happens – happens.

I remember my first chemistry set. That was back in the days when they put cool chemicals in them. Now they don't let you make gunpowder any more, for example. You could even make nitro glycerine if you set up the reflux reaction properly. Don't ask me how I know that BTW. It's still a sore subject. My mom loved that cat. Now all you can make are glorified surfactants. Bummer.


"I believe sovereign nations have the right to defend their people from terrorist attack, and to take the necessary action to prevent those attacks," Bush said...

Why is it that the US gets to decide who is sovereign and who is not? And I am not talking about Lebanon - even though they are being invaded.

Use all the rhetoric you want. Sugar coat as much as you like. You put icing on BS - it is still BS.

Where is KiwiJ now?

I can relate to the emotional seismograph indicating amplitueds ranging from Mercalli intensity of I-XII with no rhyme or reason to the drastic and frequent fluctuations...how's that for the science boys???

Seriously, one day I'll be peaceful and accepting and think that I could continue on indefinitely in that capacity and then BOOM, something triggers this eruption of anger from no where...it's like a mysterious and deadly outbreak, it comes out of the blue with full blown deadly symptoms and I think I can't last a minute more...I must exit this place/time and move on to a new episode of It's your Life.

I would think that I am totally and completely psychotic but then I realize it's not me, if it weren't for the constant episodic infidel reminders then I wouldn't have these Toret-like episodes. I didn't know I could possess such high intensity anger and lots of it. That is what precipitated this last altercation where I insisted H leave.

If everything stopped, slate wiped clean, WS 180 and I could trust efforts and behavior then and only then could I begin to heal. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way and H with so much garbage of his own to deal with that he has repressed for years I can't see any clean cut happy endings. Oh, plus the fact that unless he goes into solitary he will continue to seek and find OP to meet the needs he won't let me meet until he gets some IC...which BTW he refuses to do.

Time for a coffee break

Hmm...trust...I used to think I knew what that was. It does not help that, during the affair, the few times I asked WW if she was having an A, she attacked me verbally and said "What? Don't you trust me?". She used that trust against me as a weapon to protect her affair. She made me feel guilty and ashamed for not being a good enough person to trust my own wife.

Oh well, that was another life. Now it is like we are living together as long as it works out for the both of us. I have not gotten to the point where I feel like my marriage vows mean anything - at least to WW. To me they mean that I still have to love her and honor her and give her the opportunity. I still love my WW but I no longer love my marriage to my WW. Does that make sense?

YES! My H did same re: making me feel like I was the criminal for spying, however I bent over backwards creating opportunities for him to tell the truth about incidents that I was aware of that he had no idea I knew about...each time he denied or lied. It makes me sick to think of everything that I don't know about...the info I do get I feel is grossly minimized with the bulk being ommitted to throw me a few bones just to shut me up...I can only assume the worst in all scenarios until proven otherwise...H not interested in proving anything at this point

I detest my M, I feel like the past 11 years had been a big dirty lie and that I am an idiot for putting so much time, effort and heart into it. That stupid saying, "It is better to have loved and have lost than to never love at all..." Obviously they weren't a lucky member of the BS club. Wow you sure hit a note...now my eyes are leaking and I'm all fired up...thanks there P...I should have took the Bush bait, I'd have fared better:)

Ya think maybe I have alot of bottled up bitterness, resentment and anger???? I need to decompress and visit later...

I had a great post prior to my angry outburst and it disappeared...recap:

gunpowder and NTG hysteriacal, tears of laughter

can't engage in the bushwhackcing

then I went off on a rambling about WS's but at the time I have no recollection...mustn't have been important

back to the M thing...my H wants what you said...for us to live together for kids sake regardless of our M...says if it gets to planD that at least we'd be friends and have all our business wrapped up and taken care of...if live separately it will cause turmoil and financial strain

shouldn't a decsion to stay or go be based on the M and the desire to actually be and act as a spouse instead of a roomate of convenience? I would rather struggle and know that at least I'm not being bled than to live in an environment where I don't condone the behavior esp with kids witness to our R. I am not one of these people who can put on a big front for the kids and act like everything is all June Cleaver-like...is that a character flaw?????

must depart

No, you misunderstand me. I am not suggesting putting on an act for the kids. I would rather be divorced. It is just that right now I guess I am struggling more with what marriage really means than with the A. I think one is the fallout from the other but it has become an issue all its own. Maybe I could love my M again in the future. If I did not believe that were possible, I would D. I am simply not worrying about it at the moment because I can do nothing about it. I have to accept that the relationship is very delicate. Whatever happens is going to happen. I am still trying to do me best to ensure the best possible result for all of us.

Your WH lied to you about his feelings and thoughts during the A. He can just as easily be lying to you now when he says he isn't really interested in the M. Don't ever believe a (non-former) wayward. They are intrinsically evil, they spit brimstone and do nothing but lie. They probably harm kittens as well if given the opportunity. You are focusing on the wrong thing. You want a 180. How do you know you are not getting one. If your WH said everything you wanted to hear, how would you know it was the truth?

Get your little revenge separation out of your system. Take your time. Decide what you really want. There is always hope. How long has your WH been in NC? When was Dday? I ask this because you remind me of me not too long ago.

i wasn't referring to you putting on an act, I was talking about me cuz that is what i'd have to do if we remained together and he kept up his OP stuff.

i see what you mean about exploring the meaning of marriage...I repeated my vows to H yesterday and let him know that they still had the same meaning to me as the day that we married...I am not sure if I did the "right" thing by making him leave since it could all backfire at me but I was at a personal impass

i am not dealing with a one time episode here so i'm sure it's a bit different...first time I knew about was when I was preg with DD1... 5 definite EA since then one that lasted 4 years and still with contact and suspect some PA in all but of course denied...as was the case with the first until proven otherwise which of course I did

now, with all that out there I can't really play by the same rules...now you may see why Bobpure's thread could apply here?

Ugghhh

No I can't see how that thread applies. His thread has no relevance to anything. It is pure pathetic self-indulgence. I am sorry. I am holding back. Should I be more explicit?

Someone said it is not how you react but how you recover that defines who you are. I am not sure I buy into that completely but there is some truth to it. Did you make a mistake kicking WH out? No. Would it have been better to let him stay? No. What is done is done. Where do you want to go from here? Don't second guess yourself.

You are entitled to your opinion, but I disagree with it regarding B0BPure's thread.
I don't think you can relate to BP's to it because you aren't there yet. Being a few years into recovery, I can relate. I am still glad I fought for the marriage and succeeded. But should my H have another A at some future point...I would probably feel a complete fool.

My opinion is that his thread belongs in Recovery exactly for the reason you mentioned. This forum does have recovered marriages but it is also full of people still trying to decide what they really want to do. To hear someone with a supposedly successful recovery make this kind of statement in this emotional rollercoaster of a forum is, IMO, not well thought out.

I have no opinion as to his actual position because, as you correctly point out. I am not there yet. I just think it is self-indulgence to put it here. Again, JMO.

To me is is like one of those posts about Superman vs. Jesus Christ and then he sits back and claims all innonence saying he never thought it could possibly offend anyone.

******************EDIT*************

Piojitos...haven't posted much to you.

But want to say kudos to you.

You're a strong and decent man and I respect what actions you've taken thus far.

AFter reading about the indefinite period of separation, it makes me think if she is possibly pushing your buttons to make you be the one to file...after all if they can get the blood off their hands in any way possible, or blame us, the BS for their affairs or actions, then they will do it. Ws are notorious for this. My xh would push and push and push me and still didn't file b/c he didn't want to say HE DID IT.

get it? it is a WS passive aggressive way of eating more cake. If they disengage enough from the M, if they are destructive enough to us, and WE take action and file against them, then they somehow FEEL THEIR GUILT RELIEVED...and we the BS are once again in their fogged out eyes the bad guys.

Huh????? What the **** are you talking about?

You got a real "thing" for me don't you?

Get "over it" boss.

LM

I don't post much anyway. You can't scare me away...you are free to put me on ignore.

I enjoy reading your thread(s) and like your sense of humor. I am also interested to see how your separation works out. We were separated a couple of times for 4 mos each. It took me a while to get a back bone. I wasted lots of time being either ranting or being pathetic. But even with all that, I think that most people give up on their marriages way too soon in these situation. To each his own.

I also enjoy some of the discussions you engage in with your friends here.

You may be right that BP's thread is better suited to Recovery.

That would be me. And I have no regrets.

Should I have posted this is the D forum?