Pio,

I read many of the emails and other stuff. Honestly, much of it are triggers for me. It's different but the same.

Yes, you have been a trooper for a year. Plan B is the right road at this point.

On a somewhat lighter note, be sure to take DDs on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride Through London. The kids love it. There was one part at the end that scared the dickens out of me. Didn't phase the kids. They did not see the danger. Well, there was no danger. But it surely seemed lie it at the time.

Are DD's excited yet?

I haven't had a chance to look through it. I remember the main details of your story. It's hard for me to try to figure out how to help, because I'm so different than gemela. I'm trying to figure out what she's like and who I know in real life with a similar personality to try to think about how best to help her. At least you're motivated to try to help her, though you are weary. My good friend just told me about his WW (he kept the A to himself for 9 long months) and he's not willing to help his WW find her way back and do what's necessary to save the M. If she can't figure it out on her own, he's not going to help her. And I don't think she can figure it out on her own. That's why I'm sensitive to your situation and really feel like gemela can't do this herself.

Have you thought about telling her sister and mom about the link with the cards and the photos? If gemela can see this all through some else's eyes and see how pathetic that twerp is, maybe she can start getting past it. Embarrassment sucks, but it's a lot better than this lovelorn crap.

I can't figure out gemela or Todd's WW. I just don't get it. sigh...

You're going to be in Florida, is that right? I've got a lot on my plate now and can't remember. We lived in Florida when we were in school. I hate theme parks and got stuck doing the Disney/Epcott thing when company came. Even with my rotten attitude about theme parks, I love Bush Gardens. They have a really nice gorilla exhibit. And the water rides are fun. And even though SeaWorld is cheesy, it's exciting for kids to see the killer whales. I try to make myself feel better about that place by thinking about their conservation efforts.

If you have time, head over to Crystal River and rent a little boat and go out to see the manatees in the wild. That is an incredible experience. We had a Brit with us one time who could not understand Americans attitudes towards nudity. We were in a hotel parking lot by the boat rental place. He decided to change into his swim suit and before we realized what he was doing, he was stark naked in the middle of the parking lot. We all immediately encircled him to try to keep from getting arrested. We gave him a stern talking to, went out on the boat and had a good time. We got back to the parking lot to leave and get into our cars and he stripped right down again to change.

What is there not to figure out about my WW?

I've been lurking a bit on this thread -- more the last couple of days -- and I don't understand how she could give up everything with you. Not to give you a big head... but you are obviously better than the average bear. Ask Pio.

Then you know the reason my WW said she had the affair. That was difficult to get past. It's pretty simple really. For thirty years, we were married and soulmates. We both said to each other many times that we were meant to marry each other.

And then she met OM, her true soulmate. She heard stories from OMW, one of her closet friends what a serial predator OM was, and WW still fell for his line of BS. Talk about losing respect for my WW...

Thanks for your kind words.

Maybe she'll come around some day.

I'm a sucker for a man who can talk quantum mechanics. My H can tell you every theory out there about quantum, make a good arugment for the one he believes is closest to being right and explain it in a way that nearly anyone can understand.

However, I hate shopping and only own a couple pairs of shoes and have worn Birkenstocks for nearly a decade in all weather. So, what do I know? Obviously, not fashion.

Shame...what do you have to be ashamed of? Don't know many who can stand alone abandoned by their best friend and still laugh in the face of a brain tumor! You my friend are either a really good fiction writer or you really are tougher than you give yourself credit for.

The meds...don't be a hero, if you need to take some of the pain and nausea and all that just do it...lots of folks have to juggle and find a happy medium with all the side effects and interactions but you are intelligent enough to figure it all out. You should get yourself a 7day 4 slot pill box and deal them all out so they are all set and you don't have to play with the bottles all the time

Sounds like the infidelity store had a close out sale and we were all there to shop!

Uggghhhh, I'm sorry you are having a tough day...at least you are in good company! Sometimes I go hour by hour and feel like a total nut since at one minute I feel at peace and then the littlest piece of info or glimpse of something or a song will set me off. I don't know which is worse separation or having it up in your face...guess it depends on the weather

Pio et al.,
Read some of your link and see that you have gone through many phases which as horrible as it is comforts me to know I'm not totally crazy or we all are. It makes me sad for you to have had to go through it and sad for me cuz I'm at least 6 months behind you...

I think you are putting too much into the OM...I think it is more what gemela is missing or seeking that she no longer has with you...blondie could be anyone, he just happened to be a convenient and willing party. Maybe gemela needs the gushing, admiration and reassurance? Maybe it was a drastic change from you the responsible, quick witted and intelligent man and made her feel young, free and silly and she liked it?

This is the one thing I learned about H...doesn't really matter who the OP is it is what they do for him and how they make him feel that keeps him going back for more...

On that note I have a question for anyone willing to offer their .02. My H has been trying to spend more time with family...after I told him my DD1 wanted some alone time with her he took her out. They were gone for about 4 hours and when came back the itinerary didn't make sense. I asked twice and got same answer. DD1 came to me today and said..."promise you won't tell dad..."

Basically he took DD1 to see to OP from work that he spends gobs of time with both of OP are EA to him but he denies EA with them...believe it or not these 2 OPs aren't even the ones our whole house of cards fell over it was 3 other OPs...

DD1 says after they left his workplace that H was on the phone with one of the OPs the entire time he had DD1 shopping. She said he was asking her about what would match etc etc. She begged for me not to tell H about this.

What do you do in this sitch? He is feeding into these OPs attachment to him and I have clearly told him he does this and he at times admits and other times denies. He is taking me out tomorrow but I question everything and feel if he is just throwing me some bones while he cake eats on the side. He has so many OPs with inappropriate relations in my opinion and I don't see much except decreased time spent with OP to show for his trying. It's only been a week since he's "tried" so maybe I am impatient. I do want total transparency and him to change all his inappropriate relations back into professional but he states that unless he changes jobs it will take time to wean them all off.

He has offered to change jobs twice but this is about him and his issues not OP so if he changes jobs he is apt to develop other inappropriate friendships whereever he goes unless he starts to change his behavior. I know this from past track record. I am seriously afraid that if and when he turns around I will be stone cold Steve Austin!

Wow, sorry, I didn't realize how nauseated I was that I puked this all out...please accept my humble apology!

Isaac Asimov said that fantasy is fiction that cannot happen.

No, I am not writing fiction or fantasy, although the circumstances sometimes cause me to think it is a bad dream from which I will awake someday.

Through this ordeal, WW has never once asked me how I feel, how did the doctor's appointment go, or any of the like. When I was in the hospital, she complained about the "long drive" to the hospital to visit me. It is five minutes from our home. And when she was with me at the hospital one night, I asked her to walk the halls with me since doc wanted me up to keep the blood going. Of course, not just me but IV and "bags". We made one loop around the nurse's station and she walked back to the room. I eventually followed and asked her why she left me. Her reply: she was embarrassed.

You know what is so crazy? The day that I received the first of my ongoing treatments, I foolishly imagined she would show up to be there with me. It is a grueling experience. They fit this head frame to my head with screws. Yes screws. Then an MRI, always pleasant, to pinpoint where the brain is so they don't waste any more gray matter than they have to. Then get blasted and wait around to get blasted again and then wait around to get blasted again.

But then, she couldn't be seen in the corridors with that messy head frame on my head. People might point and talk.

As far as us getting back together, it will not happen. I am done. I still love her and can't help my feelings. Over time, I will get over her. It will be difficult for me to trust another human being again. Not fair, but true.

Forgive me; I am usually a positive person. Here I am wallowing in my own pity.

Todd - Want me to send you some of the California cure for nausea?

Believer,
ROFL...it is a great remedy I've heard!

b, is it imported from Mexico?

I am sorry, I am all too familiar with the stereotactic frames...worked neuro in Boston long ago in an other life...they are so barbaric for such advanced technology...it used to pain me to watch the whole screws to the skull without anything but a bit of lidocaine...who are these people that develop these methods...oh yeah probably winning nobel prizes for medical advancement

Obviously your wife was totally wrapped up in herself...good thing you are mentally sound and physically tough enough to withstand her torture...

Seeing as you were a seminarian I should point out that even as strong and loving as Peter was he totally went into self-preservation mode knowing that Christ was most likely going to be suffering. Not to say that these are on the same level but even great people when threatened by extraneous things can be total jerks. I'm sure I'll take heat for this analogy but it's true...does it make it right...heck no but even back then...stuff happens.

Makes our reliance on God even greater. I personally feel like this whole thing is an attempt to show me that I am at the same level in my relationship with God that my son is with me...remember my light bulb moment when I was saying that love isn't about always getting what you want when you want it? I feel like I should have the same relationship and intensity, frequency and duration with God no matter whether things are going well personally or not. I am ashamed to say that is not the case...I should focus on establishing a new relationship with God and then no matter what happens I will be at peace and find happiness...ok now I feel like Pio gushing

On another note I couldn't help myself and text H telling him that his is attached to the parasites as much as they are to him and either he is trying to spare me or just won't admit to himself...this spurred an unannounced appearance from H just to find out what was up!!! I did not betray my DD1 and just listened to H ramble aloud how I just out of the blue throw out these wild pitches just to get him going...

Pool time...hang in there Todd...will check back later,

I have this visual of you walking the halls with your frame and IV poles...from your described stature I can see the sadness but with your sense of humor think of it as fright night, monster mash, frankenstein returns...put a flip to it and next time make up your face so you really look the part...you'll send people flying and I am one sick individual cuz LOL with tears as I type this...I hope you too find humor and are not offended...just trying to cheer you up in my sick medical way!

Don't know where it's from. But it works.

Seems like you are doing well, Todd.

Have you tried Ensure mixed in a blender with ice cream? Some people like that.

Everyone needs to take the time to feel bad for themselves sometimes -- especially when things are as lousy as they've been for you. This may seem silly, but I think that sometimes we need to let ourselves completely wallow in our pain and misery and then we can pick up and carry on. If you don't occasionally let yourself feel the force of your suffering, it kind of lurks in the background. It helps to purge it out. The trick is to climb out of the pit afterwards.

I don't know what happened to your wife and why she'd act that way. It certainly has nothing to do with you. It has to be something deep within her that is broken and seeing you so ill probably brought it out -- that and her creepy friends.

I can't tell you how impressed I am with you. I know those are just words and I can't really express my admiration for you on all sorts of levels. You should feel good about who you are. You can learn a lot about a person from these words on a screen. I'm sure that your friends and other family members are proud of you and happy to be part of your life.

Ok... enough of dwelling on this stuff. I'm sure Pio's situation coming to a head has brought up all kinds of feelings for you. I hope he gets some things resolved on this trip for the sake of his girls.

Thank you for your kind comments.

I have never lacked self esteem or conidence. Although we were dirt poor, I realized early on that I had something going for me. Under the circumstances, my parents did an excellent job. My father's key teaching was honesty. My mother's was respect for others and math and science. She had only a HS education but she is the smartest woman I have ever known. And the strongest for that matter.

I have to confess something here. All the stuff about not understanding metaphors was a joke. It started with an email from Pio and cascaded from there. In HS, I was nominated for the Governor's Honor Program in math, science(duh) and English. Every English and Lit teacher from the eighth grade through HS graduation told me I should be a writer.

As to WW, I can look back on life changing events that ocurred that surely knocked her off dead center. A couple of years before she started her affair, her mother died. On the day of her mom's funeral, I received the call that my mother had died. The year before her A began, our youngest son went off to college.

However, I can point to setbacks in my life as well and I didn't choose to have an affair. I think the key differentiating factor is whether the person seeks internal or external validation. If one seeks validation from another person, they are affair material. I don't say this to be judgmental; only to make the point that my WW and I had both gone through some fundamental life altering events, and we had our unique reaction to them.

What I don't know, and it doesn't really matter anymore, is whether OM is in love with WW or not. He is a serial predator and at least in the beginning, he saw WW as another notch in his belt. As I have said, she is very easy to love. At least she was before her A. Since then, she has become a monter.

If they are both in love with each other, there is a quandry for her. I exposed her A to our three sons, her family, my family and friends. Two of our sons have already disowned her. The third has told her that if she sees OM again, that he will disown her. She is going be a victim of the Latin double standard. When her father dies, she probably will not be permitted to attend his funeral.

Infidelity is ugly. It has unintended consequences. I am a peaceful, easy-going person under normal conditions. Get me riled up and I am a formible foe. Victim or benefactor of my neighborhood growing up.

Never mind

Jen, what is it?

Some of those change of life things do seem to lead to an affair. My MIL died about 2 years before the affair and my wife had just gotten into a full time job (which she found hard to get after being a SAHM for 9 years).