Todd you are describing the serial cheater (philanderer).

Below is the best description of the common or garden variety cheater I've ever read. I had to dredge it up from my long forgotten old posts. It's from "The Tempted Woman".

Hi Jen,

I could envision WW and OM's affair going down just the way you described. OM's behavior is a perfect example of a philanderer, however.

I know the guy. He is such a jerk and a looser. Now, at least OM2 is a decent guy. He was my friend; obviously, not at this point. I have yet to expose to his wife. I will but only after I am able to confront his sorry a$$.

My EX was a philander. He didn't lie. Early on the relationship I learnt that if asked he would say the truth and I may not like it. I guess he felt so entitled that he didn't thought he should give explanations of any kind.

That poems is so precise, each image so perfectly crafted. It alwasy impresses me how it describes and creates a sensation.

I knew you would appreciate Neruda. I wish I understood Spanish better so I could truly appreciate his craft in his native tongue.

Todd,

I was thinking, kinda, lol.

If during the years you were ill but undiagnosed, your WW took care of you, when you left she may had though she had done a lot. Dunno...

larousse,

No, she never took care of me. She thought I was "imagining things". I will tell you the story.

I became very ill one night. Intense headache and numbness on the side of my face. I told WW I needed to go to the hospital. Something was wrong. It was two days after Christmas so our sons were home from college. Their cars had our cars blocked in the garage so WW called OMXW and asked if she would drive us to the hospital. She said yes, but OM actually was the one to show up to drive us.

At the hospital, I was immmediately taken to a treatment room and they started running tests. I looked up and WW was gone. I asked a nurse to find her and tell her I needed her by my side. I was in pain and full of worry. Finally, WW showed up. I asked her where she was.

"I was with OM in the waiting room. I hate for him to sit by himself".

"You would rather I lay here in ER by myself?"

"Well, you know, he drove us here and I feel badly that he is alone in the waiting room".

"Do you not feel badly that I am here with tubes running out of me all alone"?

"Well, you know, he drove us here and is waiting for us".

Well, that was the first shot she fired across the bow. I did not equate her with an affair but it is clear now that an attraction was already in place, two months after OM and XW moved across the street from us.

Not only did WW did not care for me, when I was hospitalized, which was five or six times, she constantly complained that it was such a long drive to the hospital. Larousse, it was a five minute drive. What was her problem? She was pining for and wanted to be with the OM. My being in the hospital was impeding her love and sex life with OM.

She NEVER drove me to a doctor's appointment. I either took a taxi or one of my sons would drive me. When she got home form work, WW never asked how my doctor's appointment went or how an MRI was. Never.

She thought I was dying, and apparently, was happy with her belief, for that would leave her free to have a relationship with OM.

So, take care of me? Not on your life.

And thus, when you asked when I take her back. No way. What she did, or didn't do, is unforgivable.

Todd,

I'm sorry you went throught that lack of care and honesty from your WW.

I didn't mean to dismiss or minimize her actions. Today someone told me about her work problems and how two month of lack of effort had erased her excellent performance of 5 previous years.

It was indeed a very uncaring and callous behavior from your WW.

And it was so uncharacteristic of her. Until hse started her A, she was the sweetest woman in the world. I fell in love with her instantly when I met her, and she said, she with me.

Honestly, I have always had a weakness/fondness for Latin women. I dated a few Latinas in high school and when I met my wife, I instantly became head over heels, an unusual behavior for me.

What is also so crazy is that, until she started her affair, she was the most jealous person in the world. Funny how affairs change people.

Have you thought about letting her know the facts you know about her affair so there is not doubt in her mind that you know what went on?

She seems to believe that because she says there was no affair the world is against her for thinking different than her...

larousee,

I am logical and methodical. I kept notes for a long time before I confronted her. I gave her all the details of her affair. I had time logs, video, pictures and phone logs. She knows I know. She is in denial mode because it is what OM wanted to go to. He is trying to retract his son's belief. It won't work, of course, but he seems to be as unrealistic as WW. For all practical purposes, from what I have heard, his son has all but disowned him. You learn a lot about folks by watching their behavior when under pressure/

but then if you shared with her all the facts you have how can she try to refute them just by saying it didn't happend? Delusion I guess.

Jackson Browne

It was a ruby that she wore
On a chain around her neck
In the shape of a heart
In the shape of a heart
It was a time I won't forget
For the sorrow and regret
And the shape of a heart
And the shape of a heart

I guess I never knew
What she was talking about
I guess I never knew
What she was living without

People speak of love don't know what they're thinking of
Wait around for the one who fits just like a glove
Speak in terms of belief and belonging
Try to fit some name to their longing
People speak of love

There was a hole left in the wall
From some ancient fight
About the size of a fist
Or something thrown that had missed
And there were other holes as well
In the house where our nights fell
Far too many to repair
In the time that we were there

People speak of love don't know what they're thinking of
Reach out to each other though the push and shove
Speak in terms of a life and the learning
Try to think of a word for the burning

You keep it up
You try so hard
To keep a life from coming apart
And never know
What breaches and faults are concealed
In the shape of a heart

It was the ruby that she wore
On a stand beside the bed
In the hour before dawn
When I knew she was gone
And I held it in my hand
For a little while
And dropped it into the wall
Let it go, heard it fall

I guess I never knew
What she was talking about
I guess I never knew
What she was living without
People speak of love don't know what they're thinking of
Wait around for the one who fits just like a glove
Speak in terms of a life and the living
Try to find the word for forgiving

You keep it up
You try so hard
To keep a life from coming apart
And never know
The shallows and the unseen reefs
That are there from the start
In the shape of a heart

Very poetic, I like the way it goes reveling the story.

Left to her own devices, WW is fairly realistic. Her behavior is reflective of OM. He intends to keep denying any of his affairs.

BTW, OMXW told me she suspected he was having an affair with a woman in California, a venue he travels to a great deal. I discovered she works for the same company that OM works for.

I hired a PI to follow him and have evidence of that affair. I am holding it as "dry powder" at this point but will reveal it when it is most favorable to me. Could be in court, who knows?

I had a teacher at the literature faculty, he studied civil ingeniery but switched to literature. He arrived to Mx after having spend some years in Cuba. All his family had been ripped appart during the Civil War in Spain.

He got married to the daughter of a very famous Spanish exiled in Mx. They were married like 26 years. He had had some 'friends' along the years, mainly students or coleges.

All along his infidelities, he never wanted to divorce or separate or anything like that; he 'loved' his wife. One day his wife heard him arrenging a 'date' with another woman. His wife confronted him and he denied anything wrong between them. She told him, I'm going to go to Spain, (it was the begining of the democracy) if you keep saying that you had not had any affairs. He kept saying nothing had happened and his wife left him. To this day he, he's nearly 70 years old, he says he wants his wife back but he is just unable to admit his infidelities to her. Very sad.

Larousse - WOW 70YO still in denial. WOW!

When you are 70 what can you remember. Maybe that is what I need - old age.

We had a pretty good day yesterday but DD1 wanted to talk to mommy so I let her call. DD1 was in tears and begging mommy to come home. Later I talked to WW and she said I couldn't handle the kids. I went ballistic. I asked her who was responsible for all this. I told her DD1 was fine until she got on the phone. DD1 always does this - even when I travel. After DD1 got off the phone she was fine again. WW asked if she should come back. I asked what would that solve. The basic problem still exists. I said if we D then DD1 will still have to deal with this and right now my inclination is divorce based on her comment at the airport.

We go back to Saudi tomorrow. I just want to end this vacation from he!!. I took the girls to the lake and rented a boat. They got scared after they fell off the tube so I took the boat back and got a jet ski. DD2 didn't want to ride the jet ski but I told her to try it and if she didn't like it I would bring her back and let her sit while DD1 and I went out. Well DD2 didn't like the jet ski so I took her back but then realized I couldn't leave her on the dock all by herself so we left. DD1 was angry and said I broke my promise. I told her that something could have happened to DD2 while we were gone. I have a lot to learn about being a single parent.

I think denial gives WSs a mental & emotional out. They know deep in their nasty little hearts what they've done & that it's wrong (for most spouses who started out as caring that is). They allow themselves the indulgence of denial as a way of lessening the facts of betrayal. It allows them the ability to re-write history which so many WSs do. Denial allows them to live with themselves & to plant the seed of doubt in others who don't have the first hand experience BSs do.

Pio,
Sorry to hear things are proving to be a challenge...your DD's would have probably gave you the same grief re: of the presence of mom or not...it is difficult to keep everyone happy at once...even unrealistic at times. Sometimes the cheap and simple activities end up being easier/more fun especially since if it doesn't work out you don't get so disappointed.

All,
We started MC last night...God Bless our counselor...H hasn't looked me in the eye of spoken to me since we left the office...when we left he dropped me off at home and went out...when he came home he went to bed and pretended as if I didn't exist. Irony is that nothing was said there that wasn't said to each other before. Basically he told the counselor the reason he wanted to recover marriage was for the kids. The counselor asked if there were any feelings left for me and H said yes but added nothing else. Basically it was like the ultimate fight match and I think the counselor was a bit overwhelmed with the amount of and intensity of info. I'm hoping he gives us a plan of action and some work to do between sessions next time since there wasn't any real assignment except for us to try and decide what we wanted to spend time together doing...we spend zero time together so you would think this would be an easy task.

The counselor told me I needed to be patient that I couldn't get what I needed overnight...I wish he had a clue of how patient I have been. At one point I asked H if he even wanted to go on with the counseling session...counselor told me he thought H was just venting and to hang on. H verbalizing that he didn't want to invest emotional tme and effort b/c he felt that when my work situation changes in a year that any headway will be lost b/c I will be too busy to care about our M again...this is H's perspective on how I was in our M prior to the last year...he uses this fiction to validate why it's ok to seek OWs to meet all his needs. He actually told the counselor that I should be happy that I don't have to do anything since he gets ALL of his needs met by other people...

I'm frustrated...it's a great step that he was even willing and showed up at MC so I am hanging on to that for now and am trying to keep busy with kids etc.

Todd...the poetry is moving...a bit depressing but very descriptive...I can relate to most. I do enjoy JB lyrics as well. Thanks. Hope you are hanging in there. I think that the reason you really relate to Superman is b/c you have that soft spot for trying to do what is right, maintaining justice, fighting for the little people and rescuing those in need. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure you are enamoured by all the superpowers but I believe it goes a bit deeper.

TOd

Reading part of your story I can realize that I need to learn a lot, and sometimes I over react for simple things...

I
I wish God, bless you and give you the strength enough to be ok, and to make you decide the right thing for you and your happiness.!!!