Hi nams,

Thank you. What prompted that?

Something just dawned on me. It has been right under our noses and was so obvious it now confounds me that it took so long to realize it.

Luna and larousse are the same person.

Evidence you say?

For beginners, both of their screen names start with the letter L. I mean, come on, how obvious can you be? I could stop right now but will keep going. One "lives" in a country north of the US; the other "lives" in a country south of the US. Do you see the obviously symmetry at work here? It is like a spider doing pushups on a mirror.

And have you noticed that they never post at the same time? Look, I pride myself on being scientific and this is the best proof you can get in the real world.

More proof you say. They both speak French. Both are French sympathizers at a minimum. Luna lived in Frahnsay; larousse wants to live in Frahnsay. Do you see how obvious it was all this time? And I am the one who figured it out. I am so proud of myself.

L & L, ready to confess?

I do know it's not my fault. Why do you ask?

I thought I may have read between the lines that you felt it was your fault. I believe that some of the MB prinicples can unwittingly lead a BS to believe that he/she is the fault of the affair. Not that my WW is a good barometer of anything, but she picked up SAA one day, read a few pages and said to me: "See, it is your fault I had the affair". Yes I know what she was doing but I have heard BS come to the same conclusion.

In any event, I am glad that you don't think WH's A was your fault.

The only thing I blame myself for is the way I treated him over the years, that made him unhappy enough to have an affair.

I now know what I did to cause him to be unhappy and these are things I want to work on for myself.

But I also know that what he did was horrible and I didn't do anything to deserve it.

stef,

Did WH do anything to make you unhappy during those years?

Of course. And I know that if we were to get back together, all of those things would have to be addressed too.

WOW I'm disappointed guys. Not many posts overnight. Anyone would think you have a life.

I just have to laugh at this. Everyone knows our lives were taken away, ripped to shreds, crushed into the dirt, doused with gasoline and set on fire.

So how's your day going? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And help me figure out what I did to upset KiwiJ.

This is the part of MB that I have the problem with. I am a minority of one so keep that in mind. Your WH made you unhappy but yet you didn't cheat. What is the difference? The difference is in how each of you process and act upon unhappiness. Some spouses feel a sense of entitlement. Others feel their affair is justified because they are unhappy. As my glorious WW put it: if you don't take care of your crops, someone else will. Nevermind I was flat on my back dying and in and out of the hospital. Even to this day, she feels suprememely confident that she was justified. Or so she says.

Don't misunderstand me. Given that you are working on Plan A and hence the first step to R, of course, any problems that existed in the marriage should be addressed and remedied.

Dr. Frank Pittman explains the concept of "you can make your spouse unhappy, but you can't make them unfaithful" extremely well. I would typically post a portion of an article he wrote, but it irritates Pio, so I will refrain this time.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you have a very healthy and aware approach. The fact that you feel stronger and more confident since WH moved out is strongly encouraging. I think that says a lot and the bulk of it you may not fully understand unless/until it is covered in IC/MC. In any event, you are doing great. Especially given your youth, you are doing fantastic and should really be proud of yourself.

Hola, cómo están?

Todd, not only you are a gentleman, romantic and business wise, you are a rock star in the making, an acomplished golf player and now an internet PI. Wow, I'm spechless. Now you should really stay away of microweaves of any kind, and potatos.
On a side note I hope you are already liberated from the chain to the bed. That gave me nightmares.

In fact to make the apparent differences more obvios Luna speaks Italian and Io non lo so niente. She has a name that could be Italian but also Portuguise or Gallego, from Galicia, the North of Spain.
She drinks Gran Manier* and I tequila or Vodka, not because of taste as much as because of calories, like 200 less with tequila and vodka.

Yeah, I luv y'all too.

A life? Hah! Not me. I hate to admit this fundamental weakness, but I did sleep last night.

For the 1000th time, I am not disagreeing with any of that. For the record, I think it is a useless mental exercise at this point in the game and, once again, is your single greatest obstacle to wanting to R with your WW.

When I saw your last few posts, I could tell where this was going. I even started to post about before but deleted what I wrote.

The only problem I have with continuing to dwell on this Pittman quote is that it gets in the way of forgiveness. It says "well I didn't do it and I wasn't entirely happy".

Sorry ToddAC but you brought it up. The WS justifies the A due to problems in the M. The BS justifies non-forgiveness because they DIDN'T have an affair.

Dr. Harley simply says there is plenty of time to deal with that later - right now, let's just get the couple back together and then work out the details. I Don't see any conflict in the good doctors.

One does an autoposy of the A. The other saves the M. They are two people describing different facets of the same problem.

KiwiJ hasn't posted anywhere in quite a while. I hope she is okay.

Hi larousse,

I mischaracterized it as chains. It was actually two sets of handcuffs. If you watched Seinfeld, picture George handcuffed spread eagle to the bed. I am still here in fact. Very wet I am afraid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> It is very difficult to type like this so bear with me.

Do I understand that you deny being the one and same as Luna? It seems to me that the proof is so overwhelming as to be comical. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

BTW, Todd goes to see the mariachi tonight.

Well I am off to bed. DD1 made me commit to a marathon UNO game today. Promise you won't quote Pittman any more today so I can sleep soundly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have read too many BS posts accepting blame for the affair. That is wrong and it is much more than a mental exercise to those folks.

As for forgiveness, I am not very good at it, especially for such a fundamental wrong. Can I forgive one day? Yes. Will I forgive? Depends on WW. And I have read countless posts in which forgiveness is described as being for the benefit of Mr. Kite, no wait a minute, that's not right; being for the benefit of the BS. Bullhockey. That is mental gymnastics with folks trying to fool themselves. And for those concerned that I will become a bitter old man if I don't forgive, don't be concerned. I am very good at it.

Todd would you ask for the song Mujeres Divinas? Let me know if you do it.

Pio, your account of your DD" efforts are so 'cute'. Both DD's are so pretty. You'll really have a busier life when they hit their teens.

Stph, I know you have your plate full but soon someone would have to tell you... After a while of Plan A, it's said it's 3 months for a WS and 6 months for a WW, although I can't confirm that, you have to do your Plan A and don't pursue your WS, not only that, at some point you have to let him pursue you. He has to want to be with you and he has to ask you to let him come back to the house, sans OW of course.
It seems a matter of power but deep down is more a matter of re-starting the marriage under the right foot.

May as well stay up. JK. It's your thread and I will suspect your wishes. hehehe

And BTW, don't go away mad; just go away.

Todd, from the mouth of Dr. Harley, 'Affairs are the deepest wound a BS can get, there is not justification for an affair but sometimes there are reasons for one'. Harley is very clear in stating that he doesn't recomend reconcilation per se but that he discovered that many times the couples themselves asked him for a reconcilation plan. Knowing that forgiveness is so hard to achieve he says that he doesn't advocates that in his plan specifically. Instead he tells the WW or WS to compensate the BS. A reparation of the damage that in the long run would make the marriage better than it was before.