Pio are you video recording your DD's first games?

Hi Kiwi, I'm sure your DD and her BF will have a great time in US. It would be an interesting contrast after what, two months in Europe?

I can't. I'm coaching. That means I am running all over the field during the game directing traffic. With small children, you don't coach from the sideline. I also have to deal with hurt knees and hurt hurt feelings. We have one goalie who just bawls if anyone scores on her - and she is a terrible goalie so it happens quite a lot. So I am somewhat of a motivational speaker too on the field.

I'm really freaking out right now, because if she does/did move out, then they'll have all kinds of time to spend together...I think I'm going to throw up...

Doesn't she have children? More likely your WH will get stuck baby-sitting.

Actually Stef, in all reality, this is not necessarily true at first. Trust me on that.

stph20,

I know the pain is unbearable but them spending all kinds of time together is good for you and bad for the A. The A is exciting because it is fantasy. Once WH has to take on domestic responsibilities, the A isn't so much fun any more. BF leaving and giving WH free reign is a good thing to have happen, IMO. Even better is if OW and WH live together. They will really learn to hate each other then.

The A can't last. You have not really exposed it all that much so it still has the veil of secrecy. OW promises the world to WH. WH wants the world. Now OW has to deliver on those promises. She can't. If WH is in financial troubles and tried to get OW's help, watch out. BF has been an enabler of your WH's affair. It is good that he is gone because he can no longer help the A.

Even if BF has not encouraged the affair actively, he has supported it passively by not kicking the living sh*t out of your WH. Sorry but that is what he should have done.

Ummmm Stef - thanks for holding out on this info. Please tell me you exposed to OWBF?

Stef - if he wanted a divorce he would have filed by now. Ignore what he SAYS. Get this through into your brain.

Let's just keep in mind that MB is, by definition, a pro-marriage site. We all need to keep it in that perspective.

BigK is right. If I knew divorce were my only recourse, I would have already chosen that last December. I didn't. Let's leave it at that. I can D any time I want. I can only R now. Better not to say anything else about it.

BTW, Yes according to her thread, she did finally expose to OWBF. He was really nice about it. It is likely the reason OWBF is moving out but I don't know that for sure.

Hey larousse,

I am used to it by now. She already had a drinking problem before DD. Now she is a full fledged alcoholic. I am done. I have tried to help to no avail. It is up to her now.

believer is very wise. Where is she? Anyway?

Okay BigK, I have a lot of respect for you, your experience and knowledge. Tell me something positive. I need something positive.

Todd - there are countless cases on MB - Bob Pure, Myself, many cases where the WS didn't want recovery but wanted a divorce. Obviously they have to change their minds about this at some point but not right off the bat.

For Bob Pure - his wife was vicious to him but she stayed in their house. The affair was smashed and after she pulled her head out they were able to recover.

My wife came home because she knew what she was doing was making God very angry. It was aweful having her home in one sense but a relief in another because at least I knew she was not with OM any more. She committed to trying fairly readily.

Clearly to recover, you have to have 2 willing partners but this is by no means a pre-requisite.

In your wife's case, there's an addiction to alcohol to deal with. I seriously suggest you should not even consider recovery until that is dealt with. Have you contacted AA and discussed an intervention? Sorry if I am speaking out of turn and you may have already tried that.

Todd - maybe you are truely done. Your wife sounds as foggy as any I have heard on here. But if you deal with the alcoholism then who knows what is possible. I don't know if she still sees OM. But deal with the addiction and then see if recovery is possible.

I hope you find that positive.

I'm positive no matter what happens with your WW you will be fine.

Thanks BigK.

That is actually a very useful recap for me. I cannot imagine WW ever seeking or even accepting help for her alcoholism. If she would, it could be a critical first step. Our conversation tonight set us back months if not years.

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.
23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

Thanks Believer for posting that list. I don't think Stef should do a 180° yet - she needs to do a good Plan A.

Todd - an Intervention by AA is more like a kidnapping - it requires the cooperation of everyone who cares about your WW - your 3 sons and you for instance. Plus anyone else who cares about her destroying herself. It doesn't require her cooperation as I understand it.

Kidnapping?

Our three sons know she has a drinking problem or is an alcoholic, but kidnapping? I cannot see them agreeing to that. WW is able to handle the excessive drinking well. She goes to work each day and functions, etc. She gets that from her Dad undoubtedly.