So I noticed. My name is being taken in vain. I wasn't supporting FC's decision just choosing not to comment on it.

"pearls before swine" is a figure of speech not a name I was calling you FC.

How can you say there's NC if he is phoning her? Clearly NC is not established and the affair is still active.

Do you have a thread where you have posted your situation?

Welcome to TKO BTW.

We are ALL human here but that is no excuse to deceive your husband. You will be "honest" with perfect strangers on the internet, but not with the one you vowed to love, cherish and honor? How bizarre that you believe there is any virtue in being "honest" about lying, fraud, deceit and manipulation. "Honesty" justifies none of that.

Honestly, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I don't know why you came here except to gloat to decent people about how you have had a filthy affair and continue to lie to your H to this day about it; about how you strive to fool him into thinking you are just "friends" so you can maintain contact with him. We heard all about how hard you work to keep him in a state of deception. No remorse, no nothing.

And you call us the bad guys for pointing this out? hmmmmmmmmmmm <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi BigK
I thought there was nc. I was asking almost every week. We are in MC.
I don't know where my thread is anymore. I feel so horrible I cannot think clearly also.
He is coming home now. I don't know how to handle that.
I thought this step was over (the OW).

I very well know that is a figure of speech. It emanates from a Bible verse. I am just saying that I acknowledge that you felt telling me anything would be as "casting pearls before swine." IOW you knew there was no point. I didn't mean to represent you as approving of my situation. And I don't think I ever alluded to your approval, just your acceptance.

I don't know why I am even trying to respond. I am much more upset than I have been in months. I have cancelled my engagement for tonight, I couldn't concentrate after all this anyway. I thought I was getting better, I admired the attitude on this board, I thought the people here were doing really well in spite of horrendous situations. I was really awestruck by Todd in particular. I have nothing but the highest admiration for how he has handled his situation. Pio has great insight and wit and he's a wonderful person and an even better Dad. Kiwi I really don't know well and don't know her story well. Melody, I feel like stomped on me with both feet. After Larousse started in on me this morning, I felt like the person bleeding with a feeding frenzy of sharks around me. It doesn't matter how I felt and I shouldn't have said another word. All I can say is I am sorry I disrupted the peaceful and easy good healing atmosphere around here. That is the last thing I wanted to do. I feel it's very healthy for all concerned.

Melody, I would be happy to take this to a private e-mail with you so I can explain a little to you. But I don't want to cause further hurt here. Nor do I want to put too much information out on the net.

fc, I think if you will be open minded about what has happened here today, you will see that the real reason you are upset is because folks said some very unpleasant truths that you can't bear to hear. The reason it is so disturbing to you is because deep down you know it is true. You have built a house of lies in order to justify the unjustifible in order to live with what you have done.

I very well know the unpleasant feelings you are feeling right now. I too felt the same thing when I joined AA and quickly discovered that my web of lies and excuses would not work there. I could not fool them and because of that, I could no longer fool myself. I could no longer get away with bullshitting myself or anyone there. I was able to see how ridiculous I looked through the eyes of sane, RECOVERED people.

And that is what is happening to you today, fc. Your excuses and rationalizations just don't work here. And that makes you very angry. But, you are in the company of ppl who are too decent to accomodate the lies and excuses of their fellow humans.

Just know that you will get all the help in the world here for doing the right thing. We are here and willing to help you be truthful and honest with your H.

But no one here is going to support your deceitful, fraudulent agenda. We are not going to help you hurt your husband or even pretend like that is ok. It's not ok, fc. We are here when you decide to do the RIGHT THING.

WOW. I think you should start your own thread about this Estrela - you need advice from the general MB community about this.

Off the top of my head, your husband needs to understand there are consequences for violating your boundaries - do you have boundaries?

I would want to know if you have done an effective Plan A - is your husband cake eating? I would be looking at Plan B - off the top of my head - more details would be great so you can get the best advice. Post a new thread. Detail your situation.

I will do that BigK. I will post tomorrow, now it's kids bedtime. I will just wait and tomorrow I will post and think better.
Thanks.

I am upset Melody because there are things that are very important to my situation that i cannot post about. If I could I think you might understand where I am coming from. My hands are tied by my situation. If I could be truthful with my spouse this would have all been a non event a long time ago. He would understand, but i cannot risk hurting him for many reasons, having absolutely nothing to do with me. I am a strong person and I could take any consequence, it is him that I am thinking of. I know you don't believe that, but I can not convince you without TMI for a public board. And that's fine. I understand why you feel as you do. And under any other circumstances I would gladly confess all to H. and yes it would be an immense help in my and our recovery.

But more than anything else, I am upset because I seemed to have upset all of the people on this board. That was never my intent. I am sorry that I have and I don't know how to make it any clearer.

I am not mainting a lie so I can have contact with OM, I am maintaining it so my H won't be hurt. It would be much easier for me if I could have NC.

Why don't you stop while you are behind, fc? This is a silly rationalization that no one believes. Your H was "hurt" when you had an affair. And your H is further hurt by your continued deceit. You are not "protecting" him with your charade. If you were ever really concerned about "hurting" your H, you would not have had the affair. Honesty is the SOLUTION to infidelity, not more lies. Please just stop.

FC, I would be interested to know what your extenuating circumstances are.

I risked losing my beloved H of 32 years and my adored adult children when I confessed. To be honest, I don't think there are more extenuating circumstances than that. I didn't want to hurt him or them either. No one does. I hid behind that when I had recent (April this year) contact with the OM. Well, in reality the truth (thanks again Mel <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) set us free.

Unless of course your H will harm you.

Okay I'll stop. But just let me say this one thing. For health reasons he has become impotent and I don't want him thinking my affair had anything to do with his impotency. That would be the first conclusion he would jump to and it would difficult to dissuade him of that. It had to do with my poor self esteem, nothing more nothing less. I had no physical affair, I offered emotional support to someone who really needed it and I was in too deep before i even knew what hit me.

So if I tell him I became emotionally involved with some one he won't think it's his fault???? Sure.

In addition, because of his profession he refuses to take AD's and this would just be the icing on the cake.

I know it's not the best solution, but it's the best one I can come up with.

Three birds actually.

....and the twisted logic behind that is.....?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

And they aren't even Americans! Imagine that - that he could actually speak English.

Nothing here is a valid reason to conintue to lie to him. He will be very hurt when you tell him, but he is man enough to know the truth. You owe him that, fc. These are facts about his life to which he has a RIGHT to know, fc.

LMAO

Well then I might have a suicide on my hands. It might be his choice to continue not to take AD's and this might be the straw that broke the camel's back. That is my rationale in a nutshell. He has lived in a very depressed state because of unrelated professional problems for the last 10 years. I can't take the chance.