More bullcrap. The truth does not hurt, but AFFAIRS AND LIES do hurt. Truth is the SOLUTION to adultery, not more lies.

Just imagine that your neighbor's bookkeeper was embezzling money from him. Would not tell the neighbor because it might "hurt him?"

Now, isn't that silly? Please stop pretending like you are showing that you "care" by lying to him. There is nothing "caring" about lies, trickery and FRAUD.

Oh, riiiiight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

estrela,

Is WH only limited to phone calls or is he still taking business trips and vacations with OW? Have you become a full partner yet?

You want your WH to choose you. My suggestion is to keep doing what you are doing. Affairs die. You exposed. I approached NC violation in several ways (because it happened several times).

1) bag packing. Almost kicked her out of the house
2) big fight - lots of DJ's and LB's
3) shame - told her if she was that weak, I would dial the phone for her and she could call OM in front of her children.
4) tell her I knew about that calls and told her they were her choice to make but that they hurt me very much but do so in a very calm manner.
5) do absolutely nothing.

I think #4 is the best overall strategy. Remember that A's like secrecy and danger. Remove the excitement of the A. Fights and drama add to the excitement. When they get caught and nothing happens, it is a big letdown for them IMO.

No more excuses, no more tries. That is the complete unvarnished truth if it's not good enough then it's not good enough.

He is depressed for many other reasons. Contrary to what you believe that is also the truth. It's not new and so far has been intractable because he refuses treatment. He is a very stubborn man. I wish it weren't so, but it is. I wish it weren't so because he could feel so much better. I hate seeing him feel badly.

Kiwi, it's patently obvious.

I am not worried about my [censored]. I would be happier if I didn't have to contend with his depression. However, I do and I have for a long time. I am doing the best I can under the circumstances. Maybe you can liken it to living with an alcoholic who refuses to do anything about it. Can you relate to that?? I am not blaming him, I am merely saying that I am not about to do anything to make the situation worse.

Oops! Oxymoron.

fc, lying by omission is still lying...whether or not your husband is gravely ill or not. He has a right to know the truth about his own life. It is disrespectful and selfish to not tell him, IMO.

Pio!!!!

I never said a word about SF. I need a maid to keep me from eating decayed meat. I apparently need a nurse to keep butter out of my eyes. No mention of SF.

Wait, can I reserve my answer for the interviews?

I don't disbelieve you that he is depressed, but it is irrelevent. Being depressed does not disqualify one from knowing the truth about their own life. Depressed people can handle the truth about thier own lives. And I suspect having a marriage that is based on fraud and illusions is contributing to it.

His depression does not entitle you to lie, defraud and cheat on him. Not telling this man the truth about your affair is cruel and manipulative, fc. And it sure does not indicate that you love him, just the opposite.

Your H needs to know the truth so he can protect himself from you, fc. You are DANGEROUS to him and completely unqualified to decide what is in his best interest. He might decide to leave the marriage and that is only his decision to make. You have no right to deny him that choice, jc.

Kiwi, sometimes you have to do things that on the surface have very little justification. Real life is messy and can be incredibly complicated. I am doing damage control. When I say why hurt others I mean why risk my family's father committing suicide? When, if I can gut it through this eventually we may be able to make a break through and get him to seek help.

I am truly sincere in my fears and I would appreciate it if I could be considered something else besides a liar. I am a liar but not for the reasons you all think.

More lies. You made the situation worse by having an affair and are making it worse EVEN TODAY with your continued lies and fraud. More lies will not make the situation better. Only the TRUTH will achieve that.

Every day that you do not tell your H is another lie added to the list. Another day that you are making the situation "worse."

I already said that.

What's the difference between an oxymoron and a paradox.

No, really, I'm asking.

I don't disbelieve you that he is depressed, but it is irrelevent. Being depressed does not disqualify one from knowing the truth about their own life. Depressed people can handle the truth about thier own lives.

I guess that's why so many depressed people do so well. A lot of them end up in the morgue.

No, you are not doing damage control. You are adding to the damage with your continued lies. Your H is depressed and deserves to know the truth. The "risk of suicide" is only your manufactured excuse to avoid doing the right thing. No one is fooled by this, fc.


Oh, I see. You only lie for the good of all mankind? And it just happens to coincide with your self serving agenda to cover your sorry [censored]. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Todd, I will personally screen them.

If they're under 80 they're not in.

And alot of wayward spouses use that as an excuse to continue to lie to their spouses. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

If they have any semblance of attractive female qualities they're not in.

Fine Melody. Find someone else to chew on. I have bled all over this bb all day long. I am exhausted, distressed that I have upset every one and all for this.

If they have any teeth they're not in.

fc, I have not read all the replies to you but wanted to give you my perspective. I had an A about 10 years ago. It lasted about two years and I ended it because I realized I wanted my M to work and still loved my H. The problem was I was "afraid" to tell my H. I thought we could recover and he would never have to know what I had done to him. We went to MC and things got better BUT I had this secret eating away at me and the secret kept me from allowing myself to be truly intimate with my H. I couldn't risk it because my secret might slip out. Over the years I found many convenient excuses not to tell him. I was pregnant, then our son became ill, then he had an A and then another A... Finally someone did the telling for me. He was crushed, more by my deception than even by the A.

So now, we are truly in recovery from his affairs and mine plus I had the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. I do not recommend taking this secret "to the grave". I hope and pray you will give your H the chance to know the truth.