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Stef - Yes - OW'sBF can and should be your ally in busting up the affair. He might even hammer your H for messing with his GF. You never know.
You want to destroy the illusion of the affair. Smash the fantasy. Make it not quite as much fun. Too much trouble to continue.
Anything you can do to bring a dose of reality works for you. He'll be mad at first. Your marriage can survive his anger - it will not survive an affair.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Seriously, BigK is an MB scholar. Listen to himn. I ain't no stinking scholar.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Posts: 853
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Just so you know, I already exposed to the BF. I just didn't know if I should call him again, but if you think it's a good idea, then I'll do it.
WH wasn't mad when I exposed to him, much to my surprise. He was more shocked that I knew how to get a hold of him and actually called, more than anything.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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It's a very fine line between showing him I'm hurt and LBing him. Help me with that. The main thing is to not hurl abuse an accusations at him - but you CAN tell him how you are feeling and how his actions make you feel and how his actions hurt you. Not about HIM as a person but about his ACTIONS and how they make you FEEL. Have you read His Needs, Her Needs yet? or Love Busters? Do you have any of the Harley books? Might be a good time even to review the Basic Concepts here. Remember to do the plan A things - check the link in my sig below again - Pep explains it very well.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
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I suggest you call him again to get information. See if you can enlist his help in breaking up the affair - making it not quite so much fun....
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 853
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Thank you, too, for not yelling at me again! Okay stph, now I feel bad. Seriously, BigK is an MB scholar. Listen to himn. OK everyone, listen up. Don't feel bad for any yelling at me that you have done previously! I deserved it and I deserve it now, I know, I just feel bad enough and don't need to hear what I did wrong, because I already know and you can't make me feel any worse than I already do! It's all OK, I fell off the wagon, but I'm back on, bruised and all. So don't feel bad!!! I appreciate everyone's support when I actually do something right and when I mess it all up. ((((TKO)))))
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Jen is right too Stef. The no SF rule is to protect YOU physically from STD's and emotionally. You do realise I hope that most people in affairs do not use protection so there is a risk of you contracting STD's. There is a new thread on the recovery board detailing exactly that.
We are NOT the MB killjoy police - we have your best interests at heart. We aren't making this stuff up.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 853
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Yes that is a DJ. What you can say is "as long as you are my husband, I will not see anyone else." Tada - Pio is exactly right. That sounds perfect. My problem is, I tend to be a smart-a** and it just comes out before I can stop it. I don't really mean anything by it, but that does sound a lot better than what I said. I'll work on it.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Posts: 853
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we have your best interests at heart. We aren't making this stuff up. I know you do and I know you aren't. I just made a mistake.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Todd's inverse rabbit
Brings comfort like a flashlight
Shining in the night
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Todd,
flesh... Now I'll have nightmares. I'll get sure not to eat any bateries by mistake. Okay Larousse, but remember, you asked for it. Did you look it up?
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See what Pio says makes it about YOU rather than an accusation about HIM. You are expressing something about YOU. Your feelings. Your values.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 853
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 853 |
[/quote]The main thing is to not hurl abuse an accusations at him - but you CAN tell him how you are feeling and how his actions make you feel and how his actions hurt you. Not about HIM as a person but about his ACTIONS and how they make you FEEL.
[/quote]
I'm not doubting you, I just want to be clear...If I tell him all of that right now, won't he NOT care and NOT listen? Won't his fog get in the way? Isn't he still at the infatuation stage where he just wants to be with her no matter who he hurts? And I don't know if I can tell him that without giving him an ultimatum...which I DO NOT want to do and don't intend on doing.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Posts: 846
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That's why I said I will have nightmares. Rabbits have pastel colors FL is, yuck.
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See what Pio says makes it about YOU rather than an accusation about HIM. You are expressing something about YOU. Your feelings. Your values. That makes total sense. I'll work on doing that better.
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
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I'm not doubting you, I just want to be clear...If I tell him all of that right now, won't he NOT care and NOT listen? Won't his fog get in the way? Isn't he still at the infatuation stage where he just wants to be with her no matter who he hurts? And I don't know if I can tell him that without giving him an ultimatum...which I DO NOT want to do and don't intend on doing. Well you are banned from relationship talk anyway. You don't want to appear needy or clingy. But if he says something to you, you can respond. Just make your response more like what Pio posted than what you said.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Joined: Sep 2006
Posts: 853
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Posts: 853 |
BigK, I also wanted to ask you about the wedding ring issue from another post you advised in.
What are your thoughts on wearing them at this stage? I took mine off after he took his off. He noticed that I did, but didn't act like it bothered him. I put them back on at the advice of a friend, but he didn't notice. So I took them off again a week later after I agreed to divorce. Should I leave them off until he decides to come home? Or am I jumping ahead of myself?
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Posts: 853
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Well you are banned from relationship talk anyway. You don't want to appear needy or clingy. But if he says something to you, you can respond. Just make your response more like what Pio posted than what you said. Well, I've done that right...I haven't done any relationship talk with him. I did tell him that at some point we need to talk about us, and he said OK, but I'm not going to mention it again, and I know he won't. That's as close as I've come. I can still do this, right? I still have a chance?
BS (me)-26
WH-27
Dday-August 2006
0 kids
Married 4 years
NC established 1-26-07
status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
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Posts: 7,464
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I would definitely wear them. As you say, YOU are married. The message this sends him is subtle but powerful.
Tell you what Stef - I will be speaking with Bob Pure later. I'll see if he can check in here on you. He started wearing his ring after removing it and it sent his WW a powerful message.
My wife removed her rings when she left me and wouldn't wear them after she came back for a while. I never took mine off.
It's all the message you want to send your husband.
I am married. I am not divorcing. I consider myself to be married.
Don't send mixed messages - your words say one thing and your actions say another....
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
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Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464 |
I can still do this, right? I still have a chance? You have NOT ruined everything if that is what you are asking. LOL. Stef - thing is, if you can end the affair, there is a high probability he will come home to you. Especially if you have done a good Plan A. I think you have a good chance of recovering your marriage. Even if that does not happen, you will make someone a great wife in the future. The self improvement you are doing will make you a very desirable marriage partner.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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