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A co-worker asked me yesterday if I was doing OK. I told her sometimes. And that's the best way to describe it. I never expected such a roller coaster ride of emotion. I didn't even know I possessed some of the emotions I've felt throughout this. And I'm only 7 weeks into this. Time has flown by. I never thought I could hurt so bad to actually be numb.
I wish I had saved some of my earlier posts. You would not believe the roller coaster of emotions that I rode. And, trust me, while I am intense, I am not that emotional of a guy. But WW's affair opened up something inside of me that I at once did not understand nor like. I remember announcing once that I had climbed off the roller coaster and I was off for good. Then good ol' Pio told me, you are nowhere near being done with the roller coaster. Alas, he was right. I still get on it sometimes, but the intervals are much longer and I no longer ride the "Great American Scream Machine" here at Six Flags, but the "Little Express". So, it gets better with time.
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I had a difficult childhood with my biological dad and I wrote him off when I was 15. I had no contact whatsoever with him until I was getting married. My mom made me call him then. She felt he needed to be there. Since then it's been very limited contact and I haven't spoken to him for over a year again. I have no feelings for him at all. I just don't care about him. Anyway, I was thinking about this yesterday...it's pretty easy for me to write people off. I'm not proud of that, but that's how I am, because of my dad and all the hurt he put me through. What confuses me, is that WH did the ultimate act of hurt, yet I still want to save my M? I'm so in love with him still, that I can't just let go. My stubbornness could be a part of that too, but even after everything my dad put me through, I've never been so hurt as to become numb. I didn't even know that was possible until now. And it's an awful way to be and it's horrendous for someone to do that to another person...yet it's all over this forum and it happens in most marriages. It's just so sad to me that the one person you're supposed to love the most in this world is the one person you hurt the most by being selfish and stupid. I'm going to stop now, I'm getting aggravated. I want to go shake WH now and throw something at him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
We often deal with hurt with coping or defense mechanisms. It could be that your writing your Dad off is a way to cope and to prevent more hurt from your Dad. IOW, if you shut him out of your life, he cannot hurt you.
With WH, you had a good relationship with him and that is what makes it hard now. But, if you are that way, and do not get intervention, like IC, the day may come when you write WH off as well. If he doesn't come to his senses for a long time, you must certainly will, because we all do calculations about how long we can and should wait. My own fuse is getting short. Are you in IC? Forgive me for not remembering.
[quote] So will the MRI next week show if the radiation has been working?
That is the hope. The first followup MRI showed no shrinkage so I have a lot of hope riding on this one. However, at this point, I am not aware of proper expectations. I was counseled not to put too much stock into a single MRI, but I don't know when no change becomes bad news. But, I am not even thinking that way now.
[quote] So will the MRI next week show if the radiation has been working?
That is the hope. The first followup MRI showed no shrinkage so I have a lot of hope riding on this one. However, at this point, I am not aware of proper expectations. I was counseled not to put too much stock into a single MRI, but I don't know when no change becomes bad news. But, I am not even thinking that way now.
Always think positive. You'll be fine. Can you continue on in the radiation? I'm not sure how that all works, but I thought there was some type of treatment that you could only do for so long...it may be chemo.
BS (me)-26 WH-27 Dday-August 2006 0 kids Married 4 years NC established 1-26-07 status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
I can understand completely. I would never go back to the marriage I separated from in March. There is so much that would have to change for the quality to be acceptable to me.
What did your H say in response to your statement?
My WH will not discuss much in person...he becomes aggravated easily and shuts down. If we are at home and something is mentioned that he doesn't like or doesn't want to discuss he will either leave or play the silence game. In public he will just clam up and not speak. We went out on a date about 6wks ago, the place we went was desolate and no one at the bar...it was a week night and bar to close in 30min...we sit down, I order a drink... and we exchange a few words...he initiates M talk...in less than 30 seconds he is pissed and doesn't say a single word for the next 20 minutes as I sip my martini...we leave...end of story. If I text him and he doesn't like the content...no reply...on the phone...hangs up...email=no reply back and YET he told the MC that he doesn't like how I communicate with him and MC told me I needed to try alternate forms of comm...should I look into telepathy? maybe sign language or perhaps singing telegrams...that would be great...I could hire a singing telegram to tell WH conditions of M!!!! LOL, ROFLMAO...
Aren't you glad you asked how WH responded...he didn't! No response is in fact a response of it's own in my world.
You would not believe the roller coaster of emotions that I rode. And, trust me, while I am intense, I am not that emotional of a guy. But WW's affair opened up something inside of me that I at once did not understand nor like. I remember announcing once that I had climbed off the roller coaster and I was off for good. Then good ol' Pio told me, you are nowhere near being done with the roller coaster. Alas, he was right. I still get on it sometimes, but the intervals are much longer and I no longer ride the "Great American Scream Machine" here at Six Flags, but the "Little Express". So, it gets better with time.
I said that same thing not too long ago myself...I wanted to get off the roller coaster, I was done. And I believe it was MelodyLane (forgive me if it was someone else on my thread) that told me I was far from being done with the ride. I'm trying my best to hang on for dear life now. I don't go on rides that go upside down and that's all this one is! Who can blame me for wanting to get off? I might be able to deal with it better once it's the "Log Flume". Or a nice, easy Merry-Go-Round.
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We often deal with hurt with coping or defense mechanisms. It could be that your writing your Dad off is a way to cope and to prevent more hurt from your Dad. IOW, if you shut him out of your life, he cannot hurt you.
With WH, you had a good relationship with him and that is what makes it hard now. But, if you are that way, and do not get intervention, like IC, the day may come when you write WH off as well. If he doesn't come to his senses for a long time, you must certainly will, because we all do calculations about how long we can and should wait. My own fuse is getting short. Are you in IC? Forgive me for not remembering.
That's exactly why I wrote him off. He had hurt me so much that I decided at 15 that I was done. I didn't need to be hurt anymore and I wasn't going to be around for him to use as his "punching bag" (he was never physically abusive). So, that was it for me. I never looked back and I don't regret my decision. But I was also thinking yesterday, amid all of this, that I never had the emotional attachment to my dad that I had with WH. So maybe by becoming numb to it all is giving me the opportunity to want to heal and go forward with him? I don't know. They say the average A lasts 2 years? I do know that I will NOT wait that long for him to make up his mind. In my mind, I'm going to work on Plan A for 6 months and if it hasn't worked, I don't think I'm going to go on with Plan B, it'll be straight to D. I can't hang on that long, at some point I'm going to have to move forward. Whether it's with him or without him is up to him.
I was having counselling sessions with the pastor at my church, but I haven't been since Sept. 12 (the day after WH moved out). I come here for that!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I don't think she was able to do much good for me, because she never talked to WH (he wouldn't go).
BS (me)-26 WH-27 Dday-August 2006 0 kids Married 4 years NC established 1-26-07 status-working on it
"Sometimes, I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough...but I'll stand back up."
MC told me I needed to try alternate forms of comm...should I look into telepathy? maybe sign language or perhaps singing telegrams...that would be great...I could hire a singing telegram to tell WH conditions of M!!!! LOL, ROFLMAO...
I can understand completely. I would never go back to the marriage I separated from in March. There is so much that would have to change for the quality to be acceptable to me.
What did your H say in response to your statement?
My WH will not discuss much in person...he becomes aggravated easily and shuts down. If we are at home and something is mentioned that he doesn't like or doesn't want to discuss he will either leave or play the silence game. In public he will just clam up and not speak. We went out on a date about 6wks ago, the place we went was desolate and no one at the bar...it was a week night and bar to close in 30min...we sit down, I order a drink... and we exchange a few words...he initiates M talk...in less than 30 seconds he is pissed and doesn't say a single word for the next 20 minutes as I sip my martini...we leave...end of story. If I text him and he doesn't like the content...no reply...on the phone...hangs up...email=no reply back and YET he told the MC that he doesn't like how I communicate with him and MC told me I needed to try alternate forms of comm...should I look into telepathy? maybe sign language or perhaps singing telegrams...that would be great...I could hire a singing telegram to tell WH conditions of M!!!! LOL, ROFLMAO...
Aren't you glad you asked how WH responded...he didn't! No response is in fact a response of it's own in my world.
Honestly 2much, it sounds like you need to educate your MC. Alernate forms of communicating? How about alternatives to infidelity? Sadly, half of all MC's graduate in the bottom half of their class. Most are not skilled in MC since most do general therapy. Most get their opinions from popular books. Don't believe it? Read the reviews at Amazon. Amazing how many MC's get their opinions from writers. If they get their opinions from Harley, Pittman or Glass, great. But if they get their opinions from Janis what's her name?, pity their patients.
You are probably not old enough, but do you remember the Gong Show? Chuck Barry would bang the he!! out of the gong. It sounds like your WH needs his gong rung. He is living in an unreal world. Sounds like he has convinced the MC of his own leanings and you are battling two folks now.
Always think positive. You'll be fine. Can you continue on in the radiation? I'm not sure how that all works, but I thought there was some type of treatment that you could only do for so long...it may be chemo.
stef,
I honestly do not know if I can receive more radiation or not. When I was first diagnosed, I thought I would want to be like a sponge and soak up all the information I could about my tumor. I had the "luxury" of having to lay in the hospital bed for another three or four days because of complications so I had plenty of time to contemplate things. I had asked my doc a few questions and his candor sorta made me shift around. Those guys are used to delivering bad news. So, I made the decision laying in bed to not get too educated about things. It is no small part of my positve attitude. I think too many people get hung up on unnecessary details. I only ask what I consider to be relevant questions and stop at that, so I don't have all the answers.
With chemo, I am aware that there is a phenomenon called the "blood brain barrier". This means it is difficult to get chemo to the brain. There are methods that accomplish it but I don't know if it would work in my case or not. I will not do chemo and let the doctors know early on. Candidly, if the radiation is not effective, I am into experimental therapies like gene therapy, etc.
My agreement with Pio expired the 1st week of October I believe!!! I am coordinating finances and would benefit more if WH gave me $ for bills that he would be spending on apartment and stayed here. We haven't had that conversation in so many words but with me piecing together the bits I get, I believe that is plan for now. It is difficult to have a plan together since he won't really discuss it.
I have my own plan and will stick to it. Thanks for the support though. Yep, Remy Martin is definitely part of the plan!
Honestly 2much, it sounds like you need to educate your MC. Alernate forms of communicating? How about alternatives to infidelity? Sadly, half of all MC's graduate in the bottom half of their class. Most are not skilled in MC since most do general therapy. Most get their opinions from popular books. Don't believe it? Read the reviews at Amazon. Amazing how many MC's get their opinions from writers. If they get their opinions from Harley, Pittman or Glass, great. But if they get their opinions from Janis what's her name?, pity their patients.
Don't worry Todd...I laughed at him. We quit seeing MC after 2cnd session when WH declared midsession he wanted D and walked out. Honestly the MC didn't know what to do with WH...he shrugged and put his hands in the air and told me I needed to face reality and prepare for divorce...I let everything go in one ear and out the other...I already had my plan in full swing and didn't change anything based on MC...it was basically a waste since WH had no intention of changing behavior at the time
Me, a libertarian Todd? Could be I have leanings in that direction but because I don't like to discuss that stuff...I don't. Stuff is a "forbidden" word in my sons' language arts class. I don't think I could survive with out it
So, you'll be having the final, final talk with WW this weekend. Best of luck with that. I hope it goes quickly & painlessly. Not possible but I hope for you it does.
I don't know how to cut & paste on this forum. Can anybody help me with that. Please be specific, computer stuff is not one of my strengths.
I'm probably off for the night but I'll be back in the am. Couldn't keep me away. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
Morning everyone - I don't have much time today - it's saturday and My Wife and I are going to take a little ferry ride and get fish and chips to eat by the water. A date for the Kahunas. Yay.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW) D-Day August 2005 Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23 Empty Nesters. Fully Recovered.
not to worry BK, I seriously didn't pay him any mind
the only negative was that WH felt that MC agreed with him on me needing to alter approach...I specifically discussed this with WH and put it back on him asking him to identify a preferred form of communication...of course as you may have guessed...no preference was stated...SURPRISE!!!!
Well yesterday morning I told WW that I felt she might not be ready yet but that at some point we needed to discuss what is going on. I told her I am not really sure why she came back. I knew she missed the DDs but that I was not interested in a sham marriage and felt I could do much better with my life than that. I told her at the vey least we needed some ground rules. I had no idea if she was continuing with her affair or not - phone calls, letters, emails, etc. but that I wanted to be very clear that I would not permit any more adultery in my house.
I told her that I wanted to discuss her expectations. Too much has happened to just pretend that all is good and that there was never any affair. I said that I have not been happy for a long time and I am not happy that she is back. I also said that I ask myself why we are still married.
No DJ's, no real LB's. Then I left. Other than being nice to me, she hasn't said anything. I didn't expect her to nor did I want her to.
I just wanted to clarify - when I said I didn't understand why we were still married, I didn't say it in a mean way. It was more like a question of logic - two people who aren't happy with each other - what is the point of being married? That is the way I said it and I think it is the way it was understood.
