booka,

I know you're hurting and numb (me too!), but you sound like your doing a lot better than you were a few days ago. And every day will be a little better...take it one day at a time.

I agree with Pio (what's wrong with that sentence?), don't push W into doing anything, and if you don't want the divorce, draw it out until you both can clear your heads.

The question is why do you refer to your W as "the" wife and not my wife?

As for your mood, you have demonstrated self pity before moving out and before you knew that your W had filed for D. It's your choice booka but a positive attitude can help you through this process.

Todd,

First of all, "2001" is one of my favorite films. I'm a big Kubrick fan in general. I can remember seeing this film as a child in a theater of what was then my home town of Annapolis MD. As I got older, I also read the novel and came to understand the film very well. I still consider it a masterpiece and way ahead of its time. I also a big David Lean fan.

Actually, if you read all of my posts, you might notice that I use "my wife", "the wife", "w", "wife", and "STBXW". I don't attach any significance to which term I use in relation to my mental/emotional state. There are other words that described her better, but there are ladies here.

I will assume that due to your marital situation and you illness that you have gone through quite a bit of what I have. I would welcome your advice for dealing with it. Yes, I have self-pity. I also have anger. I've got the whole range, actually, inclduing grief. I will get beyond it. In my normal modd, I'm extremely positive. I told a friend a couple of months ago that I was on ADs, and the friend couldn't beleive it and said "But you're Mr. Happy!" I want to be Mr. Happy again. I can't do it in one day unless one of several miracles happened. I can't depend on miracles and I can't even imagine them. I will have to bootstrap myself. I actually feel better today.

It's one day at a time.

((((((((((((((Booka)))))))))))))

...keep putting one foot in front of the other...Booka...I am not going through the D process...but I can confirm that over a year ago...I was a 'basketcase' soon after WS moved out...took it to mean WS was 'abandoning M'...not sure why he hasn't filed yet, though.... guess he's waiting until 'he gets around to it'.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

...but, yes, it DOES get better, Booka....keep repeating this to yourself...you WILL get through this....and the saying is true: what doesn't kill you...DOES make you stronger... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

This is the time where you need to find as much support as you can get around you in addition to coming here as often as you need.....start to include on your 'daily' TO DO list....something that you enjoy.... and go out and get some fresh air...some oxygen to the brain can't hurt... but don't be surprised to feel what I call the 'numb' feeling just because otherwise it HURTS too much... I think the survival instinct kicks in wanting to 'dose out' the pain so it's bearable!



Geesh....Booka...didn't think my post would have such a positive effect already, considering that I had not posted it yet...LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />




It is Todd....Larousse just forgot....she's only HUMAN! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

luna,

Just your thoughts as you were typing your post were inspiration enough.

It is a beautiful day here, near 70 degrees and sunny. I may have a brief meeting after work and then am going to explore the neighborhood I'm now living in on foot and at a brisk pace. I've had several communtications via email with the wife today concerning our settlement, all positive. My guard is till up, but she hasn't broke a promise yet.

I don't want to say I'm over a hump, but today has definitely been better. I need a purpose to every day, a task I can accomplish. I ran a bunch of errands at work and even that made me feel better.

Get this guys, I now like to shop, like to arrange flowers, like to cook, like to do laundry, life affection more than sex, I can build a house from scratch, I can sail, I can ride a motorcycle, I can ride a skateboard, I can clean a toilet, I like gardening, I am now concerned with my appearance everywhere I go, I've been paying attention to my clothes, I've lost 35+ pounds, I have terrific energy, and the next time I have sex it's going to be great. Damn, I'm turning into a metrosexual!

Oh, and I like single-barrel bourbon, 10-years or older!

And I'm in touch with my emotions! I'm almost the perfect man!

I was served papers about an hour ago. I'm not even upset. Life does go on, day by day.

{{{{{booka}}}}}

Keep being strong booka. You can do it.

Divorce is not final until the papers are signed. Right now they're nothing but a stack of trees. Don't give up if you're not really ready to.

And my, do you improve on yourself fast! What a crazy lady she is to leave you!

Didn't we have a beautiful day today?

No, divorce is not final until one of you is dead.

Now that is positive.

I stand corrected.

Did you hear that Superman?....uhmmm....you might have some competition.....I may just have some 'undetected' telepathy powers going here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Alright...metrosexual Booka...go slow on the liquor....you got enough trouble! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />



Sorry to hear the news...

((((((((((((((((BOOKA))))))))))))))))))




...suppose...technically...you are right, Pio! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi guys,

You all crack me up...I was smiling my face off just reading all the updates.

I love that booka has discovered his metrosexual side...hang in there buddy, sounds like you are surviving quite well and should be capitalizing on all of your A related improvements. Crazy how something so nasty still is able to have positive effects if we let them happen or seize the opportunity. Booka, you will make someone a wonderful best friend and lover but I think you have the right idea on the need to heal yourself first.

Kiwi, your humor is medicinal...dry and potent...love it

Steph, what's up with you...last I read you were talking about moving out but BK advised that you stay and he goes...

Nams, thanks for the 1/2 year advice. I don't know what to do at this point. WH wants to come back and make nice...I don't think anything has really changed and am very skeptical that it really can change. Now that he is out, my kids are getting adjusted to the idea and it will have to be a pretty impressive committment to work on M for me to let him back in. I am fine with him gone. He is the one having issues, calling and wanting to stop by etc. I told him we need to sit down and discuss our plans for future. Last night he asked why I couldn't just say he can come back and everything would be ok. I responded that we needed to go somewhere alone to talk...a place where he couldn't just leave at the first feeling of discomfort...he took this to mean that I will not let him return and started pushing me to discuss it right then. I refused.

Honestly, I am leaning toward ending things. Logically that may be crazy since I have endured so much for so long in the hopes that he would be fog-free and commit to R. My gut says he is just in a vunerable moment and once he re-establishes a chick network he will be back to his old ways. I don't think I have the energy, tolerance or patience to wait and see how this pans out.

Larousse, sorry about XBF...((((((((larousse)))))))))

Todd, I must agree about Maj Tom...sticks in your head. Now I have never heard it called an earworm though. How're the teeth doing these days. You'll be happy to know I am enjoying a nice glass of Handley chardonnay as I write. About the body parts and formaldahyde...toes, knuckles, elbows...just so Johnson doesn't make it to the jar!

Pio, so how is it now that G has been home for a few weeks?

Luna...sorry I missed your birthday but happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday our dear luna, happy birthday to you!!!!

Howdy and hugs to Believer, BK, Beth and anyone I may have missed.

Hope you all have a great night...of to kiddie land.

Much as I hate to it 2much, I think you're right. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I was bitten by a tsetse fly
It hurt so bad it made me cry
It made me sleep
Long and deep
And I cannot open my eyes.

Good morning TKO!

booka, sounds like you're trying to move your emotions along quickly. I'm sorry to say it doesn't work like that. They have a life of their own & will surprise you in both good & bad ways.

One incident happened recently to me & really pissed me off. ex dropped the boys off & we shared a very quick, easy laugh about something that related back years & needed no explanation because we'd lived it together. It pissed me off because it was so easy & because that shared history isn't part of my life with a partner any longer. That two second event still makes me cry when I think of the loss.

My point being, you're supercharged to head into your new life & a positive attitude VS self pity is great. But your married life doesn't just disappear & leave only the good stuff behind.

Todd has a very good point about taking care of yourself financially. I required a lawyer because I wasn't able to feel like my best interests or that of my boys would be served with mediation. Once the lawyers get involved things are adversarial, just a fact but one that may be necessary as it was for me.

One thing you said disturbed me when you were talking about your daughter. You said you want to be the fun guy & her the fun girl. You're her father, not some part time entertainment. At first, when ex moved out, he took the kids all sorts of fun places. He was the typical Disney dad. IMO it was not what the boys needed most. What they needed was to know dad was still dad, that he would care for them always, that he was there for them when they had emotional issues relating to the D. I know they didn't feel they could talk with him because they told me & came to me with their concerns. Words about emotional support are easy, it's the supportive behavior that will help your D most.

Hi Todd,

Have you discovered an interest in pottery? Do you have an interest in trying to make some yourself? Some people look at it as a form of therapy. I've only seen a small percentage of students who didn't gain something from working with clay. They are usually the perfectionists among us.

One woman came with her daughter. They were there to enjoy time together & perhaps come out with a couple of pieces they liked. The mother, a therapist, left the seven week class with nothing because she couldn't make the "perfect" bowl. Glad she wasn't my therapist.

Thanks for posting the George Ore (the mad potter) link. When I read about him I wondered how he could make pots all day without much commercial success & having all those mouths to feed. I'd like nothing better than to be in a position to make pottery all day. I do think the most successful artists are the ones who can devote themselves to whatever medium they work in. I don't find creativity can be forced into particular predetermined blocks of time.

You sound like you're back to you cheerful self, very nice.


{{{larousse}}} I'm sorry your xbf is trying to drive you carzy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />. Must be painfull to see the changes in him when not too long ago you were looking forward to a future. {{{larousse}}}

I think I need to take a career test or maybe speak with a career councelor.

Does anybody have experience with this or have any suggestions?

I've read a few books, "What Color is Your Parachute" & a couple of others but I think I need a test, something that may point me in a direction I've not considered. Something that would not necessarily involve returning to school for a master's degree.

Let me guess. Your favourite movie is the War of the Roses?

stph20,

Thanks, and it was a beautiful day. Today is supposed to be even nicer. I wish you luck in your situation.