nams,

Perhaps I need to explain myself further. The real point is that I haven't been fun for about 6-7 months. I've been self-absorbed in dealing with the issues that lead up to our divorce. When I wasn't self-absorbed, I was focused on trying to make STBXW happy in any way I could. Ultimately it was selfish of me to do so, but I was not right in many ways and it took almost all of my energy to cope with my feelings. I saw DD13 last night. I want to share a bigger part of my life with her. I'm sure she needs to heal as well. I just got off of the phone with her and offered to take tomorrow off an spend the day with her. I certainly want to be more fun than I have been.

In more general news, even after being served I felt pretty good and was able to crack a few jokes about it. I wanted to speak to my neighbor (CS), so he invited me over to his house. As soon as I walked in the door there were some mutual friends there and CS had dinner ready to serve. I had a great dinner and some very expensive wine (Newton). We had a great man chat and they were all shocked about the news and very sympathetic and supportive. One of them had been divorced before. DD13 came down and we talked. I needed a few items from the house, so I told DD13 to tell STBXW that I would be stopping by and to call me if that was not acceptable. I had a private chat with CS and asked him to keep an eye on things at my ex-house and to be supportive of STBXW and DD13. I did not get called, so stopped by my ex-house and rang the doorbell. STBXW said that I did not need to do that, I could have just come in. I dropped some empty boxes off and picked up a few items. The STBXW was clearly uncomfortable that I was there and I assured her that I meant her no harm. We discussed a few divorce issues and I apologized and left. My friend who I am staying with (CH) said that maybe STBXW was worried about me reaction to being served. I was in such a good mood at the time that the thought never occured to me.

As I went back to CH's house I had a long conversation with my mother. After I got to CH's house, I unloaded a few things that I had brought over. We watched a bit of TV and had a good chat. CH has a lot of insight that will be valuble to me. I am sleeping better that I have been in a long time.

I had a long chat with my sister (B) this morning on the way to work. After years, I fianlly reconnected with her and am glad that I did. It took me a long time to realize that she is a wonderful person and she has been very supportive of me. We had a great chat.

I got to work and called my home number to speak to DD13 about her thoughts about Friday. STBXW answered and I apologized for making her nervous last night and explained that I hoped that it didn't have to be that way in the future. DD13 was in the shower and called me back later. DD13 did not have any firm ideas for Friday, so I asked her to think about it and call me this afternoon.

I am feeling very good today.

I guess everyone has heard that Britney is divorcing K-Fed. Have you heard his new nickname?

FedEX

ExBrit?
BritNot?
BritEx?
KFedUp?
KFedNotEnough?
KFedExTheDivorcePapers?

Booka....please remember...you're leaving your daughter with a WS...don't count on WS to validate hurt your daughter is feeling....as WS is mostly likely in denial and makes 'selfish' choices....my boys spend a week with their dad....and they can't wait to get back 'home' for the week with me...because he's not THERE 100%......your daughter needs YOU sooner than later!

...and I see that Nams is voicing similar concerns!



Booka...just be aware of these 'traps'...because technically now you could justify being 'self-absorbed WITH the divorce, and then the AFTER divorce...there will be no end, unless you can make a conscious effort to focusing on you daughter and making her a priority.....believe me, I am speaking from experience! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hi 2much....thanks for the birthday wishes...appreciate the updates....keep them coming...we like to know what you are up to!



2much...you are dealing with a WS....Do you feel you have put the DOTS close enough for him about what needs to happen?...Is it anywhere in WRITING?...do you feel he KNOWS what your boundaries and conditions are?.....if not, do so and THEN leave the ball in his court!....uhmmmmm.... basically....in looking over my post....sounds like PLAN B!



Nams?....can Todd consider doing pottery even with knuckleless hands? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I hope you apologised too for breathing, for making her have an affair, for pushing her to file behind your back, for simple obstruct her way to happyness. Nothing like a metrosexual man to fuel entitlement. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

(Really don't try chest depilation ingrows are nasty.)

Hola Lunita,

Have you recovered from your extended birthday celerations?

Booka...why the need to be 'so nice' to the person who has just destroyed your family? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

WWWWWWWhhhhhat? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

THREE stars used to be unacceptable....but apparently....one has little control over THAT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

....but I can certainly do something about this thread being on page THREE!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

.....hold on to your hats...I am bummmmpppinnnnnnggggg it UP! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi 2much...thanks for asking about me. I'm not quite sure what's going on with me. I'm being told to establish my boundaries to WH and stick to them, go to Plan B after said period of time if he doesn't live within my boundaries, I'm being told to stay in Plan A for a little while longer and I'm being told to start Plan B immediately, if not sooner.

I'm being pulled in all different directions and I'm not sure which way to go. My heart tells me Plan A him for a little while longer, but BigK and others tell me this is a mistake.

Any advice from TKO?

Where has Beth been???? I hope she's OK... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

...almost...trying hard to keep the 'momentum' going seeing that I am leaving this Sunday for a week to.....SAAAAAN FRAANCISCOOOOOO (special visual effect: imagine me singing it à la Tony Bennett!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

So...Larousse...how are you doing? Has BF tried to 'contact' you, yet again?
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

((((((((((((((stph20)))))))))))))))))

stph20...would you update me on what you have decided... at one point you considered moving out....don't know if you missed my post...but if anyone needs to move out, it needs to be WS!

Now....I understand the dilemna of WHEN to go into PLAN B... personally I did so at about one or maybe two weeks after WS moved out (and was temporarily staying with OW)..... I think I 'stuck it' out as long as I could....until the 'moment' you realize that...although afraid of being 'alone'...it could not be worst than having to deal with a WS! ....and so....the letter....etc. etc. come easy....

In looking back...I wish I had come to that realization sooner....it would have saved me a lot of PAIN and SUFFERING!

I guess the question to ask yourself about your decision to stay in PLAN A...is, if you think you have what it takes to continue doing a PLAN A, that you have not yet given it your all..... OR.....if you are staying in PLAN A because you FEAR being alone and so stay tooo long in PLAN A for the wrong reasons...

...yes, PLAN B is scary, and it is basically that.... choosing to be alone rather than stay in a R with a WS..... as PLAN B is 'No Contact' with WS until......

...and yes, PLAN B ends PLAN A and the opportunity to show WS the 'best of you'!

....PLAN B is no more no less....TURNING the page that has been staring at you for a while!

...This is the problem I ended up having....by waiting too long...the pain and fear were so great that it 'paralyzed' me for awhile....and I was unable to THINK or ACT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

...PEP was ssoooo discouraged...she later told me she considered leaving MB board!

I think I have redeemed myself...I HEARD it all....and when I was able to...went into ACTION! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

As long as you think you are on top of PLAN A and think you have a good 'handle' on it fine.... but if you have 'meltdowns' like the other night...not good.... because otherwise the longer you wait the longer it will become a matter of saving YOU never mind saving the M!

I appreciate all of your sentiments. There is no proof that she is a WS. If I wasn't sure DD13 was in good hands, I would fight for full custody. I know you want to paint STBXW as the bad guy. Yes, she did things to me. There was a lot she didn't do. She did file behind my back. These things are all in the past.

I want to remain on good terms and not burn any bridges. There is no percentage in retribution. This is for DD13's sake. I want DD13's M and F to get along after the D for DD13's sake. I keep telling people, especially over at ENs, that this is not the standard setup. Things are different in our situation and it will be hard for all of you to understand. I can't hate STBXW, it's not good fo me. I have shed pain and resentments. STBXW is driven by her resentments. She needs time to work them out. I don't want to be like her. There is no pay-back, I've got to move on. At this point in time, I want to be divorced.

Plus, I don't want to spend the night in jail for visiting what is still my house. I still have keys and the garage code. I still have a lot of stuff there and probably will until I move into a house.

I tour the inside of the house that I want today. Be happy, be light! I'm happy today. Please don't spoil my mood.

Her behavior follows the patern of the people who get's involve in EA or PA and the time line seems coincident with the friendship with the N.
She says she's not in love with you. The nature of affairs makes the BS appear as not attractive and to rewrite history. She writes to him from work and talks to him from work.
She ignores you when you are at his house. She spends two nights there with daughter. She arrenges dinners and activities. She sacrifices her weekends for his children. She gets in fool mood when his girlfriend is present.


Your WW leaves your DD alone to be at the N. Drinks a lot in front of her shows her that's ok to throw your husband out when you are 'no longer in love'.



Well, she's a girl or so I thought. I have no interest in present her in any way. You do need to know who you are dealing with and the motivations behind what she does. I think she's at least in a EA and has tried hard to get what she wants without been the bad guy. So you take the words of an addict, in MB terms and accept them as face value. She says you are the problem and you sincerely believe that if you change everything will change. The Plan A implies to bust the affair. No matter how much you change if the affair doesn't stop your WW won't be able to fall in love with you again. Your WW, in an unstable emotional state, fills for divorce and you would give it to her, and you would do it as fast and clean as you can as to not upset her.



Okaaaaaaaaaay. Well that's what all WW say. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
As other have say your situation is a garden variety affair. The only unusual is the thickness of your own fog. You think you have figured out how things are and should be, aka, you have rationalizated your situation in a way it makes sense to you causing minimum of pain.

I have no desire or intention to paint your W under any other light but the light of a troubled WW. I wouldn't want you to be anything but gentleman and do what's right.
What's not right is to apologise for going to your own house.What's not right is to belive that you read your WW mind or ours. You can be respectful without doing appeasement.




Where did you get that crackpot NewAged (old aged) philosopy?

I certainly hope you keep your integrity and don't fall into depression.

Hi nams,

Purely from an art appreciation standpoint. If you took my artistic ability and put it in a thimble, you would still have room to park a 747.

Hey Todd, as a digital persona, are you ever switched off?

Luna,

XBF tries a new strategy almost every other day. His last offer was to send me some of his paintings as a way to pay me. I felt tempted to tell him that I would wait until he dies of an overdose and becomes a famous artist.

Can I go to SF? Please? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Todd,
Did you see how much Klimt painting sell for?

Actually, I trying to get out of depression.

larousse, I appreciate your opinions. I am considering all angles. I have chosen a course and I'm sticking to it and we'll just have to see what shakes loose after the fact.

Off to see the realtor now.

I don't even know who Klimt is.

Todd had a good point about booka registering in 2003. So I went back and read the original posts. My rough mental math tells me that the M has been in serious problems for at least 5 years or maybe longer and possibly even since DD was born.

I will endorse what others have said. W sounds like a terrible role model for DD.

Did I read this correctly? You are actually giving me credit for something? And to think I was fixing to break off the EA with you.