Pio - remember that effort needs to rewarded. It is a series of efforts that leads to success. Success is rarely achieved with the first effort. (Remember the adage, "Improving practice makes perfect." Not that anyone is perfect but you become better the more often you try.) If there is no reward for those efforts, it is unlikely you will reach the goal.

Okay now I am confused. Are you saying that my talking to gemela was reward for her effort? If that is the context, then whose goal are you talking about - gemela's or mine? If gemela's, what is her goal?

Opening yourself up to G was a reward. You've given her a glimpse of what's going on in your head & your heart. You've allowed yourself to show her your vulnerabilities.

I would have considered that a gift in my marriage.

Hi everyone,

I never left, have been reading all along but have been having some difficult days and like Luna mentioned, didn't want to bring down the thread by actually posting issues. I had enjoyed Todd and Pio's insane diversion/avoidance through politics, hamsters and math...areas I don't feel qualified to contribute to but still enjoy the banter.

I am pretty much right where Nams is at this point. No, WH has not moved back or even brought the subject back up. I had been trying to have as little contact as possible but the kids are insistent on doing some activities especially for the Holidays as a "family"...I want to tell them that we are not a family anymore b/c dad chose to act like a batchelor and is continuing to chose that life by not addressing R issues or any issues for that matter.

My anniversary was last month, WH bday, Thanksgiving and now right into my favorite time of year...complete with some good memories that are only acting as triggers to grieve "the good times". I can relate to Pio as well b/c prior to my insistence that WH move out we were trying to cohabitate and WH had not verbally agreed to any conditions although his says it was implied that he would...yeah...anyway, WH would leave to go get gas or run to the store or whatever...I never believed what he said and immediately got the physical and emotional panic, dread, anxiety identical to the timeframe of when I first discovered the infidelity...it brought everything gushing back as if it were fresh...now, was the WH being honest, did he deserve this??? I discussed it with him and told him I was really messed up from all of his lies, infidelity etc and that even if we decided to work on M, I would need lots of help to work through the aftermath, the landmines, hidden triggers, etc and that I would definitely need IC and MC. He left and the subject has never been brought up again, in fact I have had to make future plans based on plan D b/c WH using avoidance of any discussion, planning etc.

I have managed to complete 50% of my home improvements so that when spring rolls around I can put my house up for sale. I am still working hard on my next assignment but won't have any paperwork most likely until March...so basically I am in limbo in every aspect of my life but making plans and working toward specific goals.

The school counselor is now very familiar with my youngest who has been invited to join the D kids club. I am glad for her to have the support but sickened by the reality.

Bought a real Christmas tree, first time in 10 years since the big Crash of '98...kids helped me get it in the SUV, out and up in the stand...WH came over to help decorate it on the kids insistence...finished it late at night, WH left and I admired it while sipping my nightly glass of wine. Fell asleep content only to awaken to...you guessed it...the crash of '06. Laying face down on the floor with broken glass and ornament fragments...it is back up now but not redecorated...I am going to get fishing line and anchor it to the wall prior to rehanging ornaments.

We are doing a "family" Holiday activity Friday...it makes me sick b/c I hate pretending and am genuinely nice...although I have no expectations cognitively someone needs to tell my psyche cuz apparently she still gets mixed messages and then disappointed when nothing changes. I would do much better in Plan B and with concrete plans for the future.

WH brought my kids to his new place last week which was just another milestone in this venture...he actually asked me if I wanted to come??? Ah, let me think ...NO thanks anyway. I don't want to be able to have a graphic backdrop of your potential lovenest...of course according to WH all he does is work at new job and return home to an empty, depressing place and watch TV/sleep.

I apologize for the purge and that is basically why I haven't posted. Have cried alot, and ironically have my appetite back...the only benefit to infidelity and I am losing it:(

I want to comment...Pio I think you are doing fantastic and can only imagine dealing with all the triggers and trying to be kind and loving when you are dealing with lots of unresolved anger issues...are you in IC? Why not?

Stph, glad you are ok and warm.

Beth, you are amazing and with such a great attitude, I believe you are untouchable and will come out of this even better than when you entered.

Nams, sorry and hugs.

BK, keep on with your guidance, many take note, and some of us do but aren't strong/ready to act yet.

Todd, where in the world do you come up with some of this stuff...I don't think it is radiation induced...frightening for sure

Larousse, where the heck have you gone...I've managed to float to the surface...where is my cocktail buddy???

Cinders...you are a hoot...I can r/t hamster wheels...have an Asperger's kid who has the same issues...wheels are turning at times there is no outcome except lots of squeaking...Pio has a solution for the noise and now the hamsters!

Anyone I may have missed...hugz.

NOW BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU ASK FOR...or you may get a babbling book of stuff you didn't really need/want to know

PS. Did I mention my flash drive died and had 1GB of info that I never managed to back up...and the insurance company from the collision is trying to hit me up for damages exceeding my liability which is totally fictitious as they claim that the ambulance that collided with me is "totalled"...I need a good attorney, a visit to someone with real problems so that I can refocus on the important things in life like health, good kids and having the basics
SORRY, felt the need to regurgitate that info...BTW speaking of regurgitation...dog just, no kidding, did just that...

Hi 2much!

{{{{2much}}}}

Did you have a time frame for making decisions about your marital future?

Hi 2much,

Thanks for the update and sorry to hear of your current tribulations. The holidays can be a tough time of year so good luck. What do your kids think is going on? Do they think/know a D is in the future?



Well, I have to admit that this is something I am fanatical about. Every single day, I back my computer up. Problem is, it was only seven inches in front of the wall anyway. On the 34th day, my computer was pressing against the wall. I cut out a hole in the wall but within a few inches, my computer was pressed against the sheetrock in the next suite. So, I cut it out as well. I had to remove two studs to fit my computer through but so far, so good. At this point, my monitor is difficult to read because it is so far into the suite next door. The nice people don't seem to mind though. It seems the money I pay them is sufficient. My only problem - and I am so good at looking into the future and seeing problems - is that in 124 days, my computer will be in the suite on the other side of them. I really don't know what to do then. The manual only says to back up the computer regularly. Perhaps a call to tech support is in order.

You're silly Todd!

How are you?

What? Why would you say that?

I just got off the phone with tech support. Apparently, I have been backing up my computer the wrong way. According to them, I am supposed to use a disk to back up my computer. I was more than just a little embarassed. I got the housekeepers to let me into the suite next door so I could retrieve my computer and start over. This time, the right way.

I positioned the computer in its orignal spot, before all the backing up. Just as tech support told me, I used a CD-Rom, turned on its side naturally so as to not scratch the surface, and used it to push the computer back one half inch. I am puzzled. I fail to see how this is any solution to not having enough room to back up my computer. It is just a matter of time before my computer is in the next suite again. I need to call tech support back. I hope this time I get someone who knows what they are talking about.


I am doing okay nams. How are you?

Originally I was planning on waiting until Spring or around the time I would be due to move Spring/Summer 07 to take legal action. Recently, I told WH during an argument triggered by his offer for me to come and see his new place, that I would take action as soon as the holidays were over. Now, was his behavior PA to prod me into action? Not sure but doesn't matter...I told him I give, quit, whatever and will file since it will be his loss in the long run. I have no idea how he feels or what he thinks at this point. He continues to lie and double speak even when he no one is asking questions...appears not to be trying...seems to be a condition that he refuses to take control of or perhaps is happy with. I DJ'd and LB'd since I hit my breaking point and told him he was a pathological lying serial cheater that I did not want back in my life...now is all of this true...me thinks it is...if I am logical, analytical and realistic my family would be better off without him...just need to get my heart back on the same page...keep falling back to the fragment that there is a redeemable warm, loving person somewhere in that crazed WH.

His response to my name calling was that although I felt that way, he was still the father of my children and would remain a part of our lives like it or not. He would love for a happy co-parenting relationship where we acted like friends. I told him precisely..."newsflash, I am not your friend, I wouldn't choose or tolerate friends that treated me this way. I am the mother of your children and that is it." It has been difficult for the kids since I am preparing them for D and we do use the word and talk about feelings, exepctations etc.

How have you managed with your boys??? I keep reinforcing to my kids that they had nothing to do with this and that they cannot fix it nor would I expect them to. I read that kids think that if they alter their behaviors that maybe their parents will stay together. I am trying to be sure that they are clear that they shouldn't try this...my youngest is producing some awesome artwork with the assistance of a counselor.

Short answer...timeframe is between Jan-Jun07

Todd you are crazy and I love it since it made my day a bit brighter. I had the pleasure of getting a complete physical with all the labs etc so that I can determine my health state now that there is no physical contact between myself and WH. Being medical and all it didn't phase me but shortly after I had an emotional meltdown when the pharmacy didn't get RX's right due to an error on the part of the MD ....I left without my RX's seething at the incompetence and feeling that yet another person who said they would do one thing did not follow through and left me hanging...I didn't show any of this emotion until driving home rehashing it all in my head...

How on earth did you deal with your brain tumor at the same time as the WS...I would have had to have a spell of Tourettes and blame it on the tumor!!!! BTW, I was misting in joy for you when you found out the shrinkage factor. No need for Seinfeld references again...Curb Your Enthusiasm is even better.

Missed you guys...just couldn't even type my thoughts since it would make them that much more real. I prefer to live in my comedic existence and joke about things to keep from really dealing...that is why I love TKO. Yeah, I guess I'm in good company.

so...your humor was very welcome. THANK YOU

Hi 2much,

Thanks for the feedback. As for dealing with the tumor and WW, I guess I have compartmentalized. I am presidential material apparently because that is what Joe Willie Bob Clinton did so well. No seriously, I have said many times and mean it, my WW's cheating made dealing with the tumor much easier. The tumor is there and you have to deal with it. Your WW of over three decades cheat, and well, it is a different ballgame.

Sorry to hear of your medical tribulations and hope it passes soon. You need to get back to polishing your boots.

I called tech support again. This time the phone was answered in India. I told them my plight and I swear - I swear he laughed at me. He told me that I use the CD to actually back up the computer by putting the CD in its drive. I asked: Then what do I do? He said, you back up your computer.

I have read where the people in India make fun of our lack of computer skills so candidly, I didn't have the nerve to ask another question. So, I am typing on my computer which now has a CD in the drive. But tonight, when I back it up, it will again be closer to the wall again. I guess I need to go outside or at least to a gymnasium. I don't get it. What do other people do when they back up their computer? Am I the only one who backs up their computer? Can somebody share their success story?

HI 2much!! It's great to see you back...I've missed you! Although I'm sorry to hear your having such a tough time of it. Hang in there and good luck.

{{{{2much}}}}

Oh, and I GOT MY POWER BACK ON TODAY!!! It's so nice to be back at home! Yay! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I posted earlier that research follows the sequence:

Hunch => Logic => Research => Theory

I had a hunch about SAT scores and some of the factors which might influence or shape those scores. I previously posted links to regression analysis which clearly depicted a lack of correlation between SAT scores and teachers’ salaries, percentage of teachers holding masters degrees, dollars spent per student and lower number of students per teacher. IOW, as all of those factors “improved”, SAT scores went down. I had a hunch that some other factors were at play with regard to worsening SAT scores, specifically, more high school students take the SAT than ever before, which inevitably weakens the field and “help” from the federal government has been an intervening factor. None of this says anything negative about teachers, only that conventional wisdom does not hold water. For the record, I revere teachers and think we should pay them more money; not to attract better teachers because the ones we have are darned good, but to reward and recognize them for the important work that they do.

I started my research at collegeboard.com. This is the official website of the group that designs, implements, scores and reports the SAT. After much thought and digging through reams of useless data, I decided to embark on my research by studying two states of significant contrast. It is widely recognized that Connecticut has some of the best schools in the country. Teacher salaries and amount spent per student are tops in the country. Moreover, the population, especially centered around affluent suburbs such as Fairfield County, is well educated. Indeed, many of the residents of this part of Connecticut commute to work in NYC. For the contrast state at the other end of the scale, I selected Mississippi. Miss. is often the poster child for poverty, bad schools and general backwardness in this country. It is also the source of much historical hate between the races. If one ever wanted to find a backward state, so goes popular belief.

Very few things shock me in this world. A consequence of my background I would presume, but in any event, it just doesn’t. What I learned completely shocked and floored me.

Since Miss. has a large black population and Conn. a relatively small black population percentage wise, I decided to analyze the data to see how badly blacks were educated in Miss. The College Board reports scores, among other ways, by ethnicity. If the formatting holds, below are the SAT scores for Conn. and Miss.

CT MS
INDIAN 976 -
ASIAN 1109 1105
BLACK 846 905
HISPANIC 895 1083
WHITE 1061 1165
OTHER 978 1079
N.R. 1004 1093

Do these scores shock anyone other than me? The only ethnic category which scores higher in Ct. are Asians and only 4 points above Asians in Ms. Every other group in Ms. Scores higher than its corresponding group in Ct. Questions? Comments?

I have to admit I find this incredibly interesting. You need to dig further now...I think this calls for my favorite type of research...Phenomenology and or Ethnographic Research. Who is willing to fund the study or has one already been carried out? What are your theories now that you have the data? It is amazing the lengths we go to make sure our kids are in the best school districts etc for those of us who move alot. I am where I am only b/c of the "excellent" school district. I am looking at realestate in my next location based on the same thing...school district. I should look into Todds research and instead of looking at the school ratings should look at the outcomes and make decisions based more on those than on the school districts themselves and their report card ratings. Input? Thoughts? The soul reason I moved from rural North Carolina was r/t education...

2much,

I would look to individual schools. Even districts can have a large variation.

I should note that as reported, Ct has higher average state SAT scores than does Ms. Logically, this says to me that at least in the case of these two states, the ethnic composition of each state is a larger shaper of average state scores. Still, every group except one scored higher in MS than CT. It belies common wisdom. I rechecked my data after seeing this. Although I did not paste it here, I also checked Alabama's scores as I was certain that there were mistakes made in reporting Ms by the College Board. No, Alabama had similar scores to MS and again higher in every group than CT, with the exception of the No Reponse group which is a minor part of the total students taking the SAT.

I should also say that SAT scores are but one measure of education excellence but it is widely published and used as a "standard", especially by the states whose average scores are very high. I also plan to look at the National Assessment of Educational Progress (NAEP) test results.

Good stuff...scores are not necessarily congruent with performance and success in life though. However, I'm sure we all want to give our kids the best opportunity and highest quality foundation to build from...

You are quite the inquisitor.

You are quite correct. Scores are but one measure and SAT scores are limited to high schoolers. But my point is, it is widely used as a measure of school and system quality. That is why I started there.

Do you know that I have been putting that on job applications for the past 20 years? That way if I get extremely upset and scream and curse at my boss, they just feel sorry for me and I don't get fired. I highly recommend it.

Big crash of '06? You must have a cat. I grew up with a terrible combination of factors: a cat, 13 foot ceilings and at a time when artificial Christmas trees were those silver-coloderd aluminum foil things that came with the RGB rotating light to shine on it that, both fortunately and unfortunately, my mother hated. The fortunate part was that we always got to have a "live" (but soon to be dead) Christmas. [Maybe "real" is a better term.] The unfortunate part is that they were usually 11-12 feet tall (I recommend against high ceilings any more - also more time spent painting walls, etc.). Anyway, I don't know what it was that the cat had about the angel because the cat never quite got high enough in the tree for us to find out.

It takes a lot of work to get the center of mass of a 12 foot Christmas tree correctly centered over the stand including lights and ornaments. Even with all that hard work and calculation, the cat can change it in an instant (and invariably did). So I am quite familiar with the big crash. I have also since studied physics and mechanics of materials. So here is what you do. Take the fresh Christmas tree and lay it down on the ground and take a 1-7/16" wood bit with an extension and bore a hole from the base of the tree about three feet up inside the trunk. Alignmnet is not critical but the more concentric you can make it to the trunk - the better. Next take a six foot piece of 1-1/2" steel pipe. Now if you are not too familiar with pipe, please be aware that some pipe is "named" by it's ID and other by it's OD. You want 1-1/2" OD. You can use galvanized pipe or I prefer stainless although hard to find. Definitely don't use "black" pipe and I would recommend schedule 80 or even 160 for larger trees. Don't use schedule 40 pipe just to save a few dollars. In for a penny - in for a pound. Now take your air hammer with your compressor (rent one if you don't own one) and chip out a hole three feet deep in the floow where you want to place the tree. If your home is not on a slab, just cut a hole in the floor (I can give separate instructions for that if need be). Chip and cut down three feet. You've probably gone through the slab. Some additional work is required if you have a post-tension slab. Now this is really important. Since the hole in the trunk is smaller than the pipe, it is critical that the pipe be placed in the tree BEFORE you put the pipe in the hole. A good sledge hammer should do the trick. Once in place, take a measurement and cut off any little bit of pipe necessary so that it will go all the way into the hole. Now put the steel pipe and tree in the hole, position it vertically or so the tree looks good and fill around it with ready-mix cement. [Note: It may be necessary to cut a hole in the ceiling right above the tree if the tree is too tall because it now has a three foot piece of pipe sticking out the bottom.]

After the cement is properly dried, there should be no risk of crashes and you can let the cat roam free. Of all the methods I have tried, this is the safest.

2much,

I am curious. You are "in limbo" until March(?). That has to be a tough life because I'm sure that this isn't the first time. How do you cope with that? I guess I have been moved around a lot and sometimes without much choice or notice. It was always very stressful for me. That's one attraction for being where I am - reasonably "stable".

Dealing with "limbo" stinks but I am preparing as if I am moving somewhere...my plan originally was to stay here for good...I like the location, have a great home and kids are in an excellent school district...I owe 4 years payback for my 2 years of school so I figured I would try and do my follow-on assignment here and then if I separate we would just stay here. Now there are way too many bad memories, too many folks that have been involved with WH that I could possibly run into and high ops tempo which would put the probability of me deploying twice during payback time. The assignment I am working to get now is a great job, flexible and a nondeployable position due to the need for continuity. I would never have pursued it prior to this phase of life but it would be perfect for a single parent.

Hopefully this will all work out but honestly no matter what, I need to get the home improvements done, I will move somewhere or not and if it is not then I will have everything in order and just need to work on a plan for who/how the kids will be looked after when I am gone during deployments.

I am aggravated with WH b/c I believe he really wants Plan D since lately when I mention things re: future he never says anything about not wanting D or verbalizes any remorse or plan to try and convince me that I am steering down the wrong path...it is sad and I wish he would just grow a sack and admit that this is what he wants so that we could firm up the plans and move on. It is just a matter of time and I continue to move in the D direction as there is no behavior to sway me otherwise. The kids are aware and dealing as best a kid can during the holidays. I am trying to make the most and have fun with the kids and create good memories. I just wish he would make a distinction and do things with just them and leave me out...it is confusing for them and at times for me.

I don't know how you do it with all of the anger and having G up close and personal. I would errupt and LB/DJ...I would be tongueless. I don't know how you begin to establish trust except through accountability and having evidence that G is where she says she is when she says she is going to be there. If she is being accountable and you are able to confirm it then that would be tiny deposits of reassurance along with her attempts to win you back. It is now about her winning you back and you being willing to be won. I thought maybe IC would help with dealing with the anger, bitterness and resentment. If you are like me you can feel overwhelming love and warmth on second and searing fire of hatred the next triggered by a fleeting memory, song, article of clothing etc. I have to say despite handling things overall in a functional manner I am pretty messed up from all of this! Surprise, surprise...my kids have been my rock and motiviation to be positive. Beth seems like she has it all together and I don't know how she does it...

My remedy for life is coffee, wine, humor and prayer...it has worked so far.