OK. Where is ToddAC?

Hi Kiwi! nams waves with a big smile! Hope all is well in your world.

Todd? Let us know you're OK, if you would please.

On my way out to finish up last minute stuff.

The other day a young clerk at WalMart got snippy with me when I asked if they expected a particular thing to come in again before Christmas. He said something about that's what you get when you wait until the last minute. I was nice & explained I'd actually bought the thing a month ago but needed this extra part which they've not had for a month.

Poor thing got embarrassed, I think he expected me to complain & get irritated with him. I've worked retail so I know how he feels. I just thanked him for his help & wished him a happy holiday, in a politically correct way.

Walmart has been in Shenzhen for ages. Definitely more than a year and more like two. In fact I think there are branches all over Southern China. Strange it is only making the news now in Saudi. I might go there tomorrow.

Pio,

I am genuinely surprised that you read that rag. WalMart has almost 2,700 locations outside the US with 45 in China. WalMart's policy has always been to source locally inasmuch as possible. That includes sourcing within the states in which particular stores are located. WalMart employees 1.8 million worldwide. Contrary to all the bad press and propaganda, the average wage is $10.11. Over 70% of WalMart managers started as store associates.

Where have you been Todd??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

stph,

I have been under the weather for a few days. I talked to one of my docs today about the complication that started a couple weeks ago and while they know the cause, they don't know what caused the cause. That's tortuous, but you get the idea. I have also had some worrisome memory problems lately so I am almost afraid to post. He also gave me some really bad news today so I taking a few days off.

Todd we worry about you when you disappear. I hope you are OK and am thinking of you.

((((Todd)))). God bless. TT

((((Todd))))

Todd,

We have been worried about you. I'm sorry to hear not so good news from you.

I'm thinking of you. Hope everything will be OK.

{{{{{{{{{{Todd}}}}}}}}}}

Todd,

I may not have been posting but I have been reading when I get a chance. When you disappear I worry about you. The Big C club is a very uniting one but also the most unwelcoming. We just do not want any new members!

Your post today has reminded me of so much, that I have spent most of the night in tears. My heart goes out to you Todd and I so wish there was something I could do. I am just praying that writing this post is the right thing to do.

I can only guess at the really bad news you heard today from your doctor. I am sorry Todd but keep on being you and fighting your heart out. There are miracles every day. Never,ever give up hope I have seen them and I am one.

Right now though, I think I need to tell you more about my cancer. I usually do not like discussing it too much as it colors peoples feelings towards me and I don't wish to rehash it all the time.

When I was diagnosed I was told I was a stage three and the cancer had spread. As you know about cancer that is not what you want to hear. It’s the first time in your life you want a low score.

I had to have radical surgery, the heaviest chemo and radiation possible to the extent I cannot ever have anymore due to my heart. My prognosis was not good. These treatments were never looked upon as a cure just hopefully a life extension.

I am still here Todd and celebrating a Christmas I wasn't supposed to have. I am truly blessed. I enjoy every day of my life. I make the most of every day. I have a new appreciation for the smallest things. Sunsets and sunrises delight me for its another day I enjoyed my life and that of my sons and the people I love. I hug more, I laugh more and sadly I eat and drink more!

Every three months I have a full battery of tests. The doctors say it is inevitable the cancer will return somewhere. But then again - they thought it would have killed me months ago too.

You are obviously strong and a fighter. Never give up Todd. They are only doctors and not God. Although the odd doctor I have been to does think they are related!
They do the best they can with man made technology. I am grateful for my doctors every day but I also remember every day that they are only human. The ultimate decision is not theirs to make.

I wish you strength Todd and may God bless you. It is not
always as dark as it seems. You are in my prayers.

Beth

Oh Todd, I'm sorry for your bad news.

Please know you're in my thoughts & I'll think only good, healing thoughts for you.

{{{{{Todd}}}}}

Only the best, tightest, most heartfelt hugs for you Todd.

ToddAC...I have no idea what you are going through and cannot imagine your pain. If I were nearby I would drag you out of your chair, wrap you up in your superman cape and start doing all the silly fun filled things that you never had time to do but always wanted to...not sure what those things would be but I know they would make you laugh and smile until your face hurt! We would go on an eating spree of all the most delicious ethnic foods you crave and have pockets full of Tums and Rolaids...we would sing at the top of our lungs and recite some of your crazy lyrics and poetry on public street corners...we'd write letters of thanks to all the people who have molded and shaped you into the awesome role model of a father and man that you are today...we'd watch all of the superman movies and try to re-enact the stunts...I don't know but I'm sure we'd have fun...I am so sad that you are hurting...let it out and then live every moment you can...I am thinking of you and praying for you. We miss you


Cinders, thanks for the update...glad to see no rush for surgery at the moment. Enjoy the Holidays as best you can, thoughts and prayers to you too!

Pio,
Am I on your ignore filter????

Hi to all my TKO family members...gotta run DS to cardiology appt...back soon

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( TODDAC))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think we are all on Pio's ignore filter.

Hi Luna, Nams, Todd, Stef, TKO.

Hi BigK

What has happened to everyone???? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Nothing happens when Pio and Todd don't post. LOL

To my TKO friends,

Thank you for your kind and supportive words and hugs. Your support and friendship means more to me than you know.

Yesterday was a challenging day for me. I called my neurologist to tell him about the memory problems I had been having. He assured me that it was normal and I may get all of my memory back and I may get none. Most patients recover some of their memory but not all. He prescribed a medicine which is the same one given to Alzheimer patients. He wanted me to get another MRI to ensure everything looks normal. He reminded me that I am due for my regular scan anyway. When I was diagnosed in November 2005, I was in the hospital. He walked into my room and straight to my bed with a very solemn look on his face. Mr. ToddAC, he began, you have a very large brain tumor. Ironically, the phrase that struck me the most was not brain tumor, but “very large”. I asked him what does very large mean. He said 4 Cm. And, it is not in a good area. It is on your brainstem. Surgery is too risky because the stem is literally a bundle of nerves. I also don’t recommend a biopsy for the same reasons. We do not want to risk disturbing the surrounding tissue. He said the recommended treatment would be radiation. I stopped him at that point and told him I wanted no prognosis. I will not accept a weight hanging over my head. I will be positive about this and beat it. He assured me that a positive attitude would be very helpful. He went on to explain that my optic nerves had been damaged and that explained my inability to see 20/20. Also, the tumor is responsible for your scrambled hormones. Since we cannot do a biopsy, I will estimate the tumor stage. We need to get some MRI’s in the future and look at any old film you have. I also have a form the nurse will go over with you. Then he was gone.

I was stunned. Other people get brain tumors. Not me. The enormity of the news began to sink in. I had another problem however, one that weighed much heavier on my mind. I had already determined that my wife had been having an affair with a neighbor. I had not yet confronted her, partly for fear of being right and partly because I had been very ill for a few months. Then, the thought of telling my sons hit me full square. It was late in the afternoon and they would all three be here after work. I could not stand the thought of telling them. I conspired to lie to them, to say there is no tumor. Protect them from hurt. That was my instinct. The truth won. I told them and they took it hard. That alone made it one of the toughest days of my life. Over the next year, I kept my positive attitude. I never felt sorry for myself. In some ways, I always considered my wife’s affair to be a gift. It overshadowed my BT and allowed it to stay in the background and for me to remain positive about it. I was always proud of my positive attitude and especially so about the BT.

Yesterday, it all came crashing down. Emboldened by the fact that the tumor had shrunk 50% in response to the treatments, I asked my doc what my prognosis was. He said: two years. I was puzzled. Two years. Two years from when. From diagnosis he responded. What is two years from diagnosis doc? Life expectancy for a tumor of your type, location and stage. Doc, are you telling me that I have a year left? He said, I am giving you the prognosis for your tumor. There are exceptions but based on my experience, that is the life expectancy. I reminded him that I had radiation and that the tumor was approximately half its original size. He said that yes, it is good that I am responsive to the treatments but it doesn’t change the original prognosis. The prognosis assumes you will follow the treatment regimen recommended to you. In fact,, the purpose of radiation therapy is to increase your life expectancy. Yeah doc, but I thought that meant in terms of a decade or two? Well, it could be, but that would not be the expectation. To say I was devastated doesn’t get the job done. Again, all I could think was how will I tell my sons? I couldn’t think, eat or sleep. And yes, I threw a pity party. I have never felt so sorry for myself. For the first time, I uttered: Why me? Oh, it was quite the party. I invited sadness, despair, regret, anger, sorrow, hurt and bitterness. They all showed up. We had a ball. Sorrow got so drunk he threw up and then crashed in the bathroom. I had to call a taxi to take anger and bitterness home. After the party, I was alone again. I didn’t know where to turn next. Somewhere in there, I read stph’s post asking if I was okay. Then my post and I was back to pity.

I was so bothered by the conversation that I called his nurse back and asked for the doc to call me. He did last night. He had forgotten that I never got an initial diagnosis. He said if I had remembered that, I would have never given you a prognosis over the phone. I told him, doc I am stunned. I said it is a stage 2 tumor, I should be okay after the treatments, right? He said no, I believe it is a stage 3. Friends, a note here. Stage 3 tumors seem to have one destiny: to become stage 4 tumors. As for stage 4 tumors, I recall an article in which a writer had asked a neurologist if 250,000 patients were diagnosed with a grade 4 brain tumor today, how many would be alive in three years? Zero. He asked a second doc who responded, maaaybe one, which translated means zero. The doc did say that staging the tumor is an inexact science without a biopsy but in his best judgment, it is a 3. He added that the neurosurgeon believes it is a 2. He then committed to getting with the neurosurgeon and the radiation oncologist and the three would agree on a stage, but simply based on the size and your history, it seems that it grew fast. So, he gave me a glimmer of hope, a crack in the door. But, I returned to my self pity.

And then a very funny thing happened.

The Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung used the term synchronicity to describe the following:

The meaningful acausal coincidence of a psychological event and an external observable event, both taking place at or around the same time.

As I sat there, trying to think and reason my way through the emotional maze, I heard a familiar voice from the television. I looked up to see Lance Armstrong. He was talking to cancer. Yes, cancer. Carrying on a conversation. I was amused quite candidly. But at the very end he said the following:

Thank you cancer. You made me the man I am today.

I was so moved by his courage and understanding, I burst into tears. I was now on a new map, with a compass which pointed me in a new direction. Like everyone, I had heard the Lance Armstrong story. Cancer survivor who went on to win 7 Tour de France victories. Yes, very inspiring. But, thank you cancer? Thank you? I googled for Lance Armstrong quotes, commercials and interviews. I found an interview that had been on CNN. The interviewer asked a most peculiar question. Lance, if you could choose between cancer and winning the Tour, which would it be? He said: Cancer. He was asked why? He said that the tour victories were great but he will never be able to do those again, but that he will always be a cancer survivor. Moreover, if he had not gotten cancer, he would have never won the Tour. He took the cancer as a challenge. He lost weight and got in the best shape of his life. The rest is history.

So, my friends, I have a new hero. Lance Armstrong’s television commercial was Jung’s “external observable event”: my own synchronicity. The psychological event was my own sadness and despair. The lesson it offered was not lost on me.

Doctor, I have news for you. You are merely a doc. Yes, you worked hard to get through medical school, internship and residency, but you are not God. You can spit out statistics and means, more, medians and standard deviations. You are knowledgeable. But you don’t know me. You have never met anyone like me. I will be the story you can tell your other patients about. And hey, lets agree to meet in ten, twenty and thirty years. I will be here.

Brain tumor, you were and are an uninvited guest. You will be leaving. You are not welcome here. But thank you. I will be forever grateful.

One last thing my friends. I thought I had a positive attitude during the past year. And in many regards, I did. But I also sublimated the tumor to my hurt and anger concerning my wife. My wife’s affair was no gift; it had become a crutch for me. That has changed. Last night, I had a profound revelation. Thank you Lance.

WOW Todd. You are an inspiration. You are right - your doctor is not God. You are in my prayers. I am proud to "know" you and count you as my friend.

Wonderful Todd! If I were ever in your shoes I'd like to think I'd have 1/10th the courage you have. Your attitude is an inspiration & a lesson in positive thinking.

Thank you for sharing so much of yourself here.

You're still on the ticket for '08.