Hi 2much,


....yep.....a WS can even sometimes want to actually convince a BS that the A is for BS's benefit!

....2much...its the 'blame' game....the 'denial' game....the 'excuses' game..... annnythinnnnng.....so WS is not RESPONSIBLE for what is happening!

No....as a matter of fact....I did very well, Pio! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

For heaven's sake...it's a joke, Pio! geeeshhh! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

BTW.....Pio...what the heck is happening with your hamsters....and everything....e l s e....(seeing that one cannot specifically ask about how are things with G)??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Some of y'all are not playing nicely.

Algebra is not a joking matter.

Since you asked, I now have enough baby hamsters to make a small but very attractive muff. Considering the time it has taken me to get this far, I may be being somewhat pragmatic but I think I need to lower my sights a tad. On the plus side though, after some experimentation, I think I have found about the right balance such that lettuce offsets cannibalistic tendencies just enough so that they don't get too fat. I don't want them to stretch their little hides as it ruins the softness.

Gemela finished her first scrapbook. I have to say she did a very good job. I didn't understand the math before but I now see that it takes somewhere in the neighborhood of 140 twelve by twelve sheets of paper to make one 19 page scrapbook. My stress level has gone down since we discovered that there is a lady here who runs quite a professional scrapbooking business out of her house and she seems to be open 24/7. Wonder if she'll install a drive-thru?

Hey Pio!

Haven't seen you in a while.

I'd be lying if I said I was current on your situation but I am glad to see you. Hope it's getting better for you.

I haven't had time yet to say "Happy New Year!"

Wishing you the best in 2007!!!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the well wishes robby. I honestly thought I had turned a corner at the new year. It was a good start. Last week I hit a major trigger resulting in me demanding a divorce (which I was denied). I'm borderline. But we are trying. I think I am asking myself questions I shouldn't. Haven't figured out how to stop it though. Sorry I missed you in Orlando.

Sorry I missed you too.

Belting down a few brews with you could have been a blast!!

Coming stateside anytime soon??

With as many photos as I have, you would think scrapbooking would have been a great hobby/craft for me. But it simply never appealed to me.

At the time, scrapbooking seemed like it would be a fairly inocuous hobby. The theory was that it might help WW reconnect to the family and, sorry to be so blunt but if WW was busy scrapbooking, she might not have time to be off doing other, less moral, activities.

Scrapbooking was intended to be her hobby. It has turned out into heavy labor for me. She has not learned how to use Photoshop and that doesn't seem like it's going to change in the near term. On a more negative side, scrapbooking has its own triggers. All in all, I am not very happy about my level of involvement with the scrapbooking. I think it is a bit unfair for WW to simply assume that I am going to occupy my every waking, non-working hour on that activity. It has gotten so bad that I have had to increase my nap time while at work from 4 hours to 6 hours. If I keep this up for long, I'm afraid my productivity might suffer.

No offense robby but I didn't wait for you. I belted away. (Got a little blasted a couple of times too)

Understood.

Time for me to crash, but seriously, will you be this way this year?

Frankly, one of the reasons I never even considered trying it is that I could imagine, with my artistic perfectionism, I knew that would happen to me. Plus, I didn't need something else on which to spend the pittance on which I run my household....well, it is a pittance compared to what I used to have for running a household.

Well I have to admit that in retrospect, the whole thing was not well considered. It is also very high maintenance. What ever happened to white pages and those stick-on black corners? I swear we have some pages that don't even have photos on them - they wouldn't fit after all the decorations were in place.

2much,

Do you have your new posting all done and dusted yet or are you still in haitus? If so, does that cause you additional stress? It is interesting to see you use the word "cling". My question is what do you believe you are clinging to? I ask that of you because I am asking myself that same question. I can't for the life of me figure out why I am not divorcing. I feel like I should be.

Pio,

Exponential stress...I am still in assignment limbo...trying to work the one far away from here that wont' send me to the sandbox, HOWEVER my latest project here has created a little fan club who are trying to work me the same type of sitch here...it is killing me...I detest limbo almost more than the pain...for my mental health I would love to go far away but for the kids sake it would allow them more visitation if I remained here

Clinging to all the good times which were interspersed btwn PAs and EAs over a decade...clinging to the person who knows me better than I probably know myself...clinging to the security of always having someone to laugh with, complain to, shoulder to cry on...clinging to the person who I can work with better than anyone I have ever met-we can work like a finely tuned instrument together...clinging to all the fond memories of the kids milestones that include him...clinging to all of the positive trying desparately to smother out all of the negative...

As I have said before, up until this year the benefits of our M far outweighed the risks...I would look at WH who all outsiders thought was the perfect man and say to myself...I am lucky he doesn't drink, gamble, have a sports addiction on and on ...I can handle his need to always have 1 close female "friend"...problem was at times WH crossed over to EA if not at times PA...he would recognize, dissolve the friendship have a dry spell meet someone else and the cycle would begin again. The only thing that would prevent this from recurring would be his committment to O&H and he refuses.

So that is what I cling to...my security blanket, paci, whatever you want to call it...sadly I used to be a smoker...knew it wasn't good for me...quit 11 yr ago cold turkey...there are still times even today that I miss the comfort and psychological support of my cigs...how much different and more intense will it be missing WH...that scares me...flip side is I am healthier and as time wore on it was just a fleeting longing and nothing more b/c I could identify that it was pretty much just the thoughts of it not the actual physical activity...guess it equates to comfort food not being so delicious but a psych comfort from past memories of how secure and loved we felt when eatitng x food

I hope that gives you some insight...I have thought of you alot while you were in hiding wondering how things were going and if you were feeling any more secure in your M...do you feel loved and respected? Are your ENs known and being met? Are you making a concerted effort at meeting FWW ENs? BTW,scrapbooking is punishment you must have mutiny on this issue...I would recommend it as an activity for prisoners for a minimum of 18 hr/day. Are you spending your 15 hr wk on activities that you used POJA? Do you see any changes in the girls since the homecoming?

That should be a start

Did the hamsters inhabit the gingerbread houses?

{{{{2much}}}}

IMVHO what you seem to be going through now has a strong tie to having had sex with your WH. That & the manipulative behavior your WH is using now trying to entice you back into a situation he controls. Have the strength to just say no.

You say all that's standing in the way of his return to your M is O & H? How about what appears to be his inability to not have either EAs or PAs? This has been a pattern for years, yes?

It sounds like you're clinging to what you want to be not the whole of what you've described your M to actually be.

Pio, why do you feel you should be Ding & why do you say you can't figure out why you're not?

Well nams, that was pretty much my point and it is keen because it is where I feel I am at this moment. What am I trying to save? Am I trying to save the M itself or what I think the M should be? I suspect that 2much is hanging on to the wrong thing. I'm afraid I am too.

Are you able to express this to G, Pio? Do you think she's holding on for the wrong reasons as well?

I'm not advocating D when I say this but coming back from the devastation of an A requires so much from both parties. The regret & remorse must be true & the desire to build a better marriage there. Not everyone has the skills or the desire to acquire them. Not to mention the eroding away of love & trust.

I don't think one can underestimate the lose of love & trust & how difficult it is to find the desire to get that back.

Even though I would have done anything to stay married to ex, I realize now what a mistake that would have been. He would need to be a different person for me to be happy in a marriage with him. He doesn't deserve my respect or my love & I am truly better off with out him. He wasn't capable, nor did he feel he needed to, change what may have made the difference for us.

This is exactly what I am doing...clinging to the potential, the possibilities...secretly waiting for WH to suddenly come begging for fogiveness and mercy pleading to do anything necessary to recover our M...because to me that is what should happen if you took your vows to heart...a part of me feels guilty for wanting the D and giving up on my part of the deal...I know that he negated the contract crossing the A line but b/c of how I was raised I still can't shake the fact that I am the quitter despite his horrific behavior...in reality I am the rescuer saving and protecting my children/family

I know I deserve better...I need to keep reminding myself that he made his own choices and I have provided countless opportunities for reconciliation...he is the one behind this time bomb