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First. Myrta - I have no intention of letting my DDs grow up in a family where no love exists between mom and dad. That would be cruel. The intention would be to let love happen again. Don't know if it's possible any more.
PenaltyX (sorry but I always get confused by one or both of you). I have nothing against FWW's. I had hoped to be married to one at one point. It still might happen.
Let's keep this simple for the moment. I'll talk to her about the book once she finishes her scrapbooking for the evening. I am not getting involved tonight. We have already clearly established that it is not an EN of mine. I let you know how it goes.
I had another trigger moment today. It wasn't a good afternoon.
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Let me also add that for reasons I can't explain, it is tearing me up that OM's GF contacted me. I don't know why that hurts me so.
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From Penalty Kill
Penalty X; that sounds good. My H reads my posts, he's just not that into posting.
I'm sorry you had a trigger moment. My husband gets those, although they are far fewer than they were. The tough part for him is that it's often something that seems initially inocuous and just gets him thinking along certain lines. So it's not like he can avoid it, it sneaks up on him.
Re the OM's GF, I can think of several reasons why it tears you up. For one thing, it's another tangible reminder of hurt, a reflection of your own pain. Did she leave OM after she found out about the A? (I think you said that she is with someone else now). And if she has moved on, you see that her boyfriend's betrayal still hurts her. So it gives you the impression that the sting of infidelity may still continue for you, even if your marriage ends.
Or maybe it's something else altogether. But it's worth exploring, even if it hurts. I'm not a masochist, but I don't think you can bury pain without it coming back to haunt you at a later date.
I do scrapbooking minus the frills - pictures and mementos. It works. The kids love looking at the albums. They're so big now...
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Something I can't explain about OM's GF because I can't really put it into words. Somehow I always knew my WW had an A but it always had a surrealistic quality about it. Because we are so far from home and in such a foreign place, everything seems not quite real. The A took on that quality too. But now that I see that it has affected an "outsider", it has changed my entire perspective on the A. It bothers me so much that a young woman with her whole life ahead of her may forever be affected by this stupidity.
I did talk to WW last night and I did tell her that I believe we both need to read HNHN and discuss it and that I will be sincerely disappointed if she does her usual and agrees to read it but puts it down after 10 pages saying she is too busy. She promised to read it so we'll see how it goes.
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Let me also add that for reasons I can't explain, it is tearing me up that OM's GF contacted me. I don't know why that hurts me so. Any major new dimension to the situation will cause a "cerebral reevaluation"--almost anytime synapses reassociate on a painful event it's painful...plus as you mentioned contact from the "outside" would make the situation more "real."
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Okay nobody bash the french right now please.
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Wow, I see the name change really must represent something! Not only have you taken on a new identity, you have taken on protecting the french from unwarranted verbal slaughtering!
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I did say "for the moment". I just didn't want anyone to bash them in your presence.
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I'm just talking out loud here and I am not saying this has anything to do with my plans but the Harley logic is a two-edged sword. His explanation of how affairs develop equally applies to how a BS could detach from a WS. If we accept the premise that the relationship is based solely on the love bank balance determined by met EN's and we accept that affairs can happen because virtually anyone can potentially meet EN's, then a BS can look at a WS and ask "why stay with you?". BK is right - you do it for the kids. There is no other compelling motivation. Okay yes you may be able to fall back in love with the WS. But since you buy the Harley plan hook, line and sinker, you now understand that the WS is nobody special - they are replaceable. You don't love them any more. You could love them again - but you could also love a different person. The A and its aftermath destroys the WS's love bank balance to the BS.
Gemela says she won't have another affair because she doesn't want to go through all this again. Guess what? I don't either. The simplest solution to guarantee that is D. I told her that if she remains in an unhappy M, she will have another A. She did it once - she'll do it again because she found that it was the only thing that gave her pleasure. So there must be something more to add to the equation. There must be an active attempt at recovery. Just trying to pretend it will all be forgotten with time is not a good plan. Gilbert the plan is a two-edged sword for sure. Yes, if EN's are met you could fall in love with anyone. Obviously. But let's say you do divorce Gemela, how do you believe that would prevent you ever going through it again? MrsK sure doesn't want to go through it again either - it hurts too much. But more than that, she now has the tools to make sure she does not make inappropriate LB deposits in anyone's account and no one makes them in hers. She is affair proofing our marriage as am I. AND we do love each other deeply and passionately and we have 3 wonderful children who hopefully won't be screwed up by this whole ordeal. How can you beat that?
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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BigK,
You have no idea how sincerely happy it makes me to hear that the two of you have been able to achieve this. You are both very lucky and very deserving.
If it is possible to sehd tears of total elation and profound sadness at the same time, that is what I am doing.
I got another email this AM. This one was much longer. I could see gemela doing all those things and yet she seemed like a complete stranger. I wonder if I know who I am really married to.
Last edited by GilbertGrape; 01/16/07 10:41 PM.
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Gilbert......Have you ever consider that you simply dont love Gemela anymore? IT Does not matter what she does NOW, you will still feel uneasy and unhappy. Your love bank is completely in ZERo!!! LOL!!!! I find this hilarious. Gilbert, correct me if I'm wrong but Gemela's account balance in your love nank is well south of zero isn't it? Which is not to say it is irrecoverable. Not staying in a loveless marriage is a boundary for me. But it does not have to be an either or proposition.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Gilbert,
Well we are koolaid drinkers. What can I say.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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I'm still here. At least for the moment.
Myrta,
I hope you and Stan-ley are doing well. I think of you two often. Please pass along my regards.
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Okay long story short, according to OM's GF, pool boy was cheating on both of them. He was promising eternal love to both at the same time. GF saw WW at the pool and saw some interaction between PB and WW and suspected something but PB denied there was anything. PB tells WW that he had broken up with GF and she was long gone in the USA. So PB had a pretty good deal going.
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GG- Thank you for thinking about us and wishing us well. We are doing very well for the longest time now. We will be in our 3 year mark very soon this year. (not so soon, but soon,June1st) Three year of DD. So I think we can say WE HAD MADE IT!! Things are wonderful!!
About you and Gemela though...like I said in my previous post. I think you simply dont have any more love for her anymore. She depleted all love you had for her , because of her lack of cooperation working in the marriage. She has been just "there".
Myrta
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I told gemela about the emails. I also told her I have had enough. She says the OMGF is just trying to get revenge and break us up. I said I don't agree but that if gemela is curious about OMGF's motives, she should write her and ask. I reminded gemela that the problem is not an email - the problem is an affair and years of cover up and refusal to face facts. She said we need more time. I asked to what end? She said for the kids. I said her mom stayed with her dad for her kids and gemela and her sister watched as dad went out every night chasing women. Does gemela want her DDs to have to grow up wondering who mom is out sleeping with every night? That would be a horrible thing for them. Anyway, we aren't speaking much at the moment. That's a good thing actually. I truly don't care any more.
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GG- Can Gemela start posting here again? She needs to read from others, not only YOU, what she really needs to do if she wants the marriage to work. It seems she feels, she is doing the right thing, but she is really not!! And she needs to read it from other FWWs and BS.
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I have neveer prevented gemela from posting. She chose to stop citing that MB was a waste of her time. She may feel differently now. Don't know. She has decided to stop going to her IC. I tend to agree with that one only because her IC is an idiot believing that Thai food will solve everything.
We may be well on the way to divorce when I get home. If not, I'll mention it to her. I doubt she will view it enthusiastically but you never know.
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Gil,
I think I know where you are...WH at one point told me to give him the book that described how a H should be so that he would know what my expectations are and how he should act...yeah, sure honey (as the book projectiles toward him and smacks him upside the head...just my imagination running away), anyway...point is although you may want G to behave a certain way, more than that you want her to do it out of her own initiative, motivation and willingness to please but mostly out of love for you right?
I think BK is correct in advising the MB at home course...it would allow you to gently guide over time your feelings and G's toward each other and rediscover one another...I am afraid you may need a facilitator thought b/c of the anger, resentment and lack of G cooperation. Can you do phone counseling with the Harley's and they can assign you work from the books?
Could you fly stateside for an MB w/e????
Come on Gil, you have reserve forces deep down in there, give it a rally to see what G has...start out with some marathon SF...that's always good for starters:)
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