From Penalty Kill

So I take it you don't believe in the healing powers of chicken satay and koong kra prow?

A few things strike me, take or discard as you wish. First, the contact w/OM's ex-GF has certainly set you back. Yes, it was the A and the lying, but the emails have affected you at a visceral level. What if, instead of being defensive and saying that OMGF was trying to break up your marriage, Gemela expressed sadness and remorse that you were hurting?

There seems to be such a communications gap between the two of you. She very well may feel remorseful about the A, but chooses to cover it up with misplaced antagonism and ostrich-ism.

And yes, her parents' marriage doesn't sound like the best example to trot out in support of staying together for the children. But FOO issues run deep.

quote:

..."start out with some marathon SF...that's always good for starters:)"

This was something I could never manage too pull off. ex was not emotionally open, had no skills in communication & did not share himself with me. I was always longing for some emotional connection from him. I didn't identify that until I came here though. The point being, I didn't want sex with ex when he felt so far away & unreachable. He never understood that, kept saying he needed more sex. Who knows, 2much, maybe that approach can work for some people, for me it just made me feel used.

Ggrape, maybe now that G has seen you're not talking D due to hurt but seeing a future with no love for her, she may feel the heat under her [censored]. I hope she wasn't suggesting that her parents arrangement was acceptable for the two of you.

I imagine she's terrible afraid of losing what she has & your girls. That doesn't seem to have motivated her so far though. Have you asked her what might motivate her to actually do the work required to repair your M? You sound dangerously close to her efforts being too little too late.

There was a point where ex told me my efforts were too little too late. Was that true or did he lack the will to work hard to get back what we had? The promise of new love hanging in the wings didn't help.

PenaltyX,

Keen observation about her response to the email. Yes it took its toll.

BTW - I absolutely detest "Gil" for reasons I can't put my finger on.

G.Grape is a dorky name, despite what may be behind it.

Here's the image I get from the name: A cross between the Fruit of the Loom underwear guy & some stiff fancy pants pansy type with a bowler hat. But...that's just me?

Plus, there's no vowel at the end. I like the international flare that provides. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

LOL,
Gil, Gil, Gil, Gil, GIL, GIL, GIL.....hhhhmmmmm would you rather be BERT, BERT, BERT?

I never intended for you to assume such an identity...I would have, as Nams referred, given you something with a mysterious and adventurous flare...what is the spanish term for stubborn? or enduring?

I believe it was your wondertwin who advised you to assume the GG????? Perhaps you should reconsider?

Well then why don't you all agree on a name you like. Remember that Eisenhower's mom supposedly named him Dwight so that there would be no possible way he could get a nickname. He ended up "Ike". Stubborn = terco. Not exactly mysterious with an adventerous flare. The last time a screen name was suggested for me it was recommended by cc46 (aka ccbis) who came up with the idea of "pendejo". While obviously appropriate, there was one poster who got mildly offended even though she agreed that it was a good fit for me.

And you do bring up a good point. Since "wildchild" was the one who urged me to change to GG and since he is certainly no longer here, why do I listen to him anyway? Actually why would I listen to him if he were still here?

Certainly the name GilbertGrape sucks. Hey - I know - how about Piojitos?

The fact that BK finds head lice mysterious and full of adventure is quite telling. But at least I can now avoid "Gil".

Oh, it just occurred to me. Pool boy's last name is "Gill". Maybe that is what bother me?

On a lighter note, in an email from PBGF a few days ago she was talking about their relationship and how her best friend told her not to get involved with the guy - he was just a "pool boy". I had to laugh.

Pio,

google "name generator"...you will find many opportunities to come up with a name...such as Javiero Macho which was what some Rum and Monkey "Ethnic Stud Name Generator" came up with for you! LOL

I have a stack of work waiting for me...have a blast

"JM" for a day. Oh well...it was good while it lasted.

I'll go back now - but at least I have the screen name reserved "just in case".

Aren't you supposed to be Jimmy Olsen too? How many characters, personalities does a head lice have????

Well a brief update. Last night I came home from work fully prepared for divorce. Don't get me wrong - I am still on the edge. But, for her part, WW did a lot of "right" things.

LSS - I told her that she may believe she is doing good things and I may believe I am trying to do good things but the reality is that we are not anywhere near the same chapter - much less the same page. I told her I can see when she is troubled or sad but when I ask her she says otherwise. So what I see and what I hear don't add up. I assume the worst. I also said it is not fair for me to internalize but since she refuses to talk about the A, I have little choice. What I suggested is that we both try to change. I suggested that we say what we feel - no matter what it is. I told her that if she doesn't tell me something because she is afraid it will hurt me, that her lie by omission does far more damage than the truth ever could.

Oh, and I told her that I hate scrapbooking. She said she doesn't like doing it all the time and she thought that she should do it when I was around because I had made the comment that (months after we got the stuff) she hadn't even touched it and I said I would just throw it all away to make space for something else. [side note: for the uninitiated, scrapbooking takes a LOT of space] SO she did it in front of me to prove she was doing it. I told her that showing me a finished album after I got off work would achieve that same result without making me miserable in the process. I told her I don't like to help - that she is the smart, artistic creative one. If she needs perfectly cut rectangles or digitally modified photos, I'm the guy - but don't ask me if that saffron goes better with the navajo white or the dark goldenrod because if I say neither one and that I prefer the blanche dalmond, we just end up fighting.

Okay so it isn't much of a LSS.

Pio - have you ever shown her "Josephs Letter" about the need to know? There was also a good thread on what the BS needs to know - it was locked by Justuss but it was a good thread.

I sent it to her by email a couple of months ago. It remained unread or "marked as unread" for weeks. Now it has disappeared from her inbox.

The reality, however, is that I don't really care too much about the details of the A any more and the little things that still nag me, I doubt she knows the answers to because I tend to believe that se was, for the most part, duped by pool boy. I doubt many of the things he told her were completely true. So why dig up more lies? It will just make me more suspicious. I am more interested in that she be honest about NOW rather than what has past in that my complete indifference toward her has made the A more or less a moot issue. I love not caring! I highly recommend it.

Pio,

I think it is actually killing you that you don't care...you are troubled by the lack of feeling...you were the one who once warned that if you made it to the point of indifference it would be BAD...so now that you are there you are wondering if there is a path from indifference to recovery....or as usual, I am totally off?

Doesn't it make you feel good that G was diligently trying to do something to please you??? Ok, so huge communications issues but the gesture in itself is worth some LB deposits...now you both know that scrapbooking won't be one of your joint recreational activities <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sounds like you are making some headway Pio...

Pio - she has no practical idea what to do. She is clueless.

BK,

Does he just tell her what he wants and expects and have her start there? Besides doing the home study how can he help her to earn pio points on a daily basis?

OK the study course is very specific and very applicable to an engineers mind.

It would leads to a very specific plan on how to meet a specific need.

Let's say Pio's #1 need is actually SF.

He would list ways he likes that need to be met - specific actions he likes.

He also says how often he wants each one met.

Gemela agrees to meet that need in that way the number of times he wants it met.

They then keep a log for every time it is met.

Very mechanical.

But this is done for the most important needs for each person.

It is not a hit and miss approach although it is counter intuitive. But if followed it will lead to them being in love with each other.

The course also uses workbooks and HNHN -answering the questions and talking about the answers. There is then a separate course on Love Busters.

It's very good if somewhat mechanical.

Pio is very indifferent to Gemela right now and that probably is scary to him. Its much more difficult now to recover the marriage from indifference to love, is a larger gap. Gemela is really doing NOTHING to help the situation, maybe making things worse. Pio was his happiest when she was in Mexico and he was alone tending for their daughters. IF Gemela is a bit intelligent about the whole situation, she would get off her ... and start working in re-gaining Pio's love back.!!

From Penalty Kill

Well no wonder you didn't like the name Gill-bert Grape. Sheesh.

It's good to hear that you're being honest and communicating. You dislike scrapbooking, and you are uncomfortable when she is obviously upset but lies and says she isn't. This is a small step in the right direction, IMO. The next step will be when she tells you something that upsets you, but is honest, and you can deal with it.

About the scrapbooking - perhaps it was also a way for her to show you that she is investing in the family. It strikes me, from what you have said, that G is probably not very good at communication, and you wind up having to infer things based on her behavior. That may continue until she learns how to communicate better.

I'm going to choose to see the positive in your latest posts. Gemela is "smart, artistic, creative" and she did a lot of "'right' things".

Did you tell her that she did right things? Positive reinforcement - it works well for dogs, children and FWWs.