My story:

My wife and I have been through a lot over the last two years (married for 3.5): purchasing and remodeling a house (our first) in a new city with new jobs, getting a dog, family tragedies, etc. Most recently, we've been separated by Katrina for the last 10 months.

I found out last week that she is committing adultery with a coworker. He has a wife and two children. Both my wife and her lover have been out-of-state for the last 10 months.

I do not know when the affair began, other than she said it stated since Katrina. I take that with a grain of salt.

I am lost. My emotions and thoughts range from one extreme to the other. I still cannot believe that she would be unfaithful.

I know that I want her to come back. I don't know if I can ever forgive her though.

I've contacted her parents (among others). They knew before I did, so I had no hesitation. They seem to want her to stop the affair; however, they won't pressure her towards that decision.

The most amazing thing to me (besides her infidelity) is that she does not see how foolish she is right now. She is starting a relationship with a man who left his wife and two young children. Why would she think that their relationship could work out? Why won't she get some counseling? (I'm meeting with a Dr. and clergy weekly.) I don't expect her to come running back. I did think that she was smarter than to think that everything will be alright with him.

Both of them will return to this city in 5 days. (Their work is moving back.) I'm not sure what will happen then.

If anyone can comment or provide guidance for me, I would greatly appreciate it.

rb909,

Welcome to Marriage Builders! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Displacement due to the hurricane can make a lot of people do things they normally wouldn't do. Traumatic situations can cause even the best of us to do things irrationally or without any thought as to the consequences.

That said, your wife obviously knew she was doing something wrong when she did what she did, but there is hope. Take comfort in that most affairs do end. The odds are on your side.

Your situation will require some really good professional advice. I would suggest you give Steve Harley at the Counseling Center here a call. They have a fantastic record in helping couples overcome the pain and trauma of infidelity (and their fees are a LOT less than what a divorce would cost)! The number is at the top of the webpage under "Counseling Center." They can help you come up with an effective plan to help deal with this situation.

Remember, you are NOT alone!

All the best,

-HD

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for your welcome.

I am seeing a Dr. here. I might contact the one you suggested as well. I can only afford so much help.

I understand that Katrina has "messed" with all of us. The news barely scratches the surface. It reports (occasionally accurately) the property damage and politics. It cannot report on the mental impact that we've experianced.

She is still having the affair. I don't think she wants to stop seeing him. I'm willing to give it another chance, even if I only find out that it won't work. She seems to have no interest in staying married.

We tried "plan A" for months under the guise of her "not being attracted to me anymore". We used this website, "The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman, and "Getting the Love you Want" by Harville Hendrix. All of my attention to her just pushed her away further due to guilt from the ongoing infidelity she was keeping from me.

My Dr. has recommended "plan B". How successful is plan B? I read on one of these posts that plan A was only successful 15% of the time.

I'm glad to hear that most affairs end, but I wonder whether the damage will be done by then.

Are you able to contact the other man's wife? That can often end the affair.

Me thinks Plan B is most effective if preceeded by an awesome Plan A [improper grammer intentional]

Is she "coming home" in 5 days to live with you???

Seems to me you should consider plan A'ing a little while longer. Even if she's not going to be living with you...give it a week or two.

Have you exposed to the OM's wife???

Have you exposed them at work???

BTW, you do know it's impossible to work on the marriage while the affair is on-going? You indicated "we" Plan A'ed...do you mean both you and your wife???

Anyway, welcome to MB. Sorry you are here. I mostly hang out over in Infidelity - Gen'l Questions II (which is the busiest board here).

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

I believe the OM wife already knows. I will be contacting her shortly. I am trying to get their phone number.

"Plan A" occurred during the affair. The affair has not ended. I wrote "we" because we were going through it together. In retrospect, I see that I was making the attempt, but she was not. The more I tried to fufill her EM and avoid her LB, the more she withdrew.

I started Plan B a couple of days after D-Day. I have cut off pretty much all communication. She sent me a few messages asking if I was "OK".

When she returns, she will either be living with him or in her own apartment.

I suppose your wife told you she knows...they often lie to keep you from exposing, not to mention that OM's often lie to the WW's about the state of their marriage. You won't really know the truth until you expose to her. There's a saying around here..."Do not trust anything a wayward spouse says and only trust about half of what they do". Waywards are a sneaky, lying, manipulative bunch and YOU are the only sane rational person left in your marriage. Inspect what you expect and EXPOSE to bust up the affair.

Do you know how to properly expose to OM's wife??? There are threads here discussing the topic of HOW? that you should read first before calling.

Mr. Wondering

Well, the general rule is that Plan B only works after a sustained and consistent Plan A (usually 3-6 months).

That's why I recommend you contact the Harley's about this. They are the experts when it comes to Plan A/B.

-HD

Over on Infidelity Gen'l Questions II is a thread by MywifeIlove. He went to Plan B intially after separation but after a few weeks and counseling with Steve Harley at Marriage Builders he went back into Plan A. If you really want to give your marriage a chance I think that may be the way for you to go. However, you should do a very specific analysis as to whether you really WANT to save this marriage. Her affair is pretty long term and implanted. Busting it up and recovering will take a long time and a lot of effort and pain. From what you've stated it appears you have no children binding you to this woman. Even Dr. Harley thinks in such situations he thinks it's almost better to just cut bait and move on.

I am not attempting to be discouraging. A fully recovered marriage is a beautiful thing. My marriage is better NOW than before the affair. It was worth it for ME to save my family; but, it wouldn't have been if my FORMER wayward wife had not done a lot of work. We both have learned a tremendous amount here at marriage builders.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

My information is not from my wife. It is from an anonymous person through email, who warned me that the affair was going on. Stupidly, I defended my wife at the time.

I will be calling the OMW this week, just so that there is no doubt.

Please refer me to the steps for letting the OMW know. I'm new here and still learning my way around.

I do not know the duration of the affair. Things are going to get "shaken up" a bit when their work moves back to town.

The reason I am using Plan B now is that Plan A kept driving her further away. My Dr. "diagnosed" that I was (his words) too nice. That I was doing everything she asked of me. I was fufilling her EN pretty well, but that left her bored. So now, we're in Plan B.

We have no children.

I'll fight for the marriage anyway, but I don't think she will.

No sir, she will not. They rarely do. She's quite addicted to OM right now and entrenched. If you are going to fight for this marriage we CAN and WILL help you but don't expect your wife to help at all.

Like MywifeIlove, I think your best bet is to go back to Plan A, Expose to everyone (which will put tremendous pressure on the affairees...cockroachs don't like the light and affairs THRIVE on secrecy), and try to rekindle your friendship with your WW. OM's go nuts when their "girlfriends" get close to their BH's. All the while, YOU work on YOU. YOU become a better friend and a better individual. You regain your confidence and regardless of what happens with WW you regain your sense of self which will enable YOU to move on with OR without her.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

p.s.-Read Longhorn's thread pinned to the top of this board regarding "For Newly Betrayed Spouses". It contains all the links you'll likely need about exposure. Further...move your plan A and exposure questions over to GQII...it's much more active during the week than this board.

Of course, married with no kids...a really good, dark Plan B with exposure may do the trick and protect you as well. However, Plan B is risky. Harley indicates it's the last ditch effort of the BS to protect the "love" they have remaining for the wayward spouse for the day wayward pulls their head out of their [censored] and recommits to the marriage.

Plan B is NOT a manipulation technique. To me, you just sound strong, confident and resolute. You don't sound NEEDY and it sounds like you've got "love" left to do a Plan A again. You can go back...but read up here about Plan A...it's not Plan appeasement nice guy. See my signature line about the "stick" of Plan A. It can come in handy.

Something to think about.

Mr. Wondering

I doubt either plan is worth much as long as she is involved with OM. I am exposing her to all of our friends, family, his family, their co-workers, our pastor, etc. In fact, our pastor plans on calling her tomorrow.

Perhaps a bunch of exposure, my protection (new bank account, lawyer, etc.), and their moving back to town will help break up their "relationship".

Should she end the A, I will move back to Plan A.

Add the employer to the list, for sure...

Did you give her a Plan B letter???? A sort of "LOVE" letter (there are many examples herein) which gives your wife a detailed path back to the marriage (i.e. - Ending the affair and a No Contact letter approved by you).

How dark is your Plan B...you should not be communicating with her AT ALL.

Exposure should be done with the intent to save your marriage...read up on it. In summary, you say, my wife is having an adulterous affair with Joe Blow and I wish to save my marriage, any help you can offer to such effect would be greatly appreciated. If you have any questions or concerns do not hesitate to contact me. Mr. Faithful. Your exposure should not be or appear spiteful, vengeful or vindictive.

Expect WW to be furious and indicate you've crossed the line. At least in Plan B, you can avoid her fury (and hopefully her anger will be taken out on OM).

Anyway, Good luck,

Mr. Wondering