NiceWife,

I think the "old" vets on this forum tend to forget the new posters do not know them and know where they are coming from. I had a similar start with Melody until I got used to her sharp intellect and straight shooting ways (and don't forget her Texan drawl...). I haven't had much conversation with Pep, but have read a lot of her posts and you won't find many more interesting and insightful people on here.

They really do want to help you. They help so many that sometimes they forget the "getting to know you" pleasantries and just dive right in with their thoughts.

Yes, weight loss can be more than just eating less... but you will never solve this problem or any others when blame is put on others. This part of your marriage issues is about you. This does not mean that your H has a right to treat you poorly over it, but you also, from the little I've read here, allowed him to treat you poorly. This is about setting boundaries and taking ownership for yourself... becoming the best You that you can be. Even when adultery is involved, the BS still has to see that recovery and moving forward is about them... not blaming the WS. You cannot control your spouse... only you and your own problems. This is what Melody and Pep are getting at.

Until you see this, you cannot move forward. Your weight issues may be an effect of self-esteem, which is hurt by your H's actions... but your H didn't give you low self-esteem (if this is, in effect a reality). You have allowed him to treat you in this way... this is about you. You may have one alternative...divorce, or may have several. But it is up to you to search for them and keep posting on here for advice.

I would imagine that if you are here posting, then you really don't want to divorce. If you did, I'm sure the words would be there. Seek out more answers before you make this decision. You may not find that you like everyone's advice, but I am sure that everyone is sincere that they want to help.

Patience.

Shaden

I'm really sorry about the f-bomb. Sorry Pep. That is so not like me. I am in a bad place right now and the 'bwahaha' thing really got to me.

Yes it is true I have let him treat me this way. But I feel stuck--how do you NOT let someone treat you a certain way??? They do what they do and say what they say, what do I do?

...although I never told Melody to FU, or any others for that matter. There was one, though, that I felt like saying it to... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Shaden

well

if the F-bomb loosened up your anger so you can stop eating your hurt .. then hunny~~~ fling it my way anytime

So

do you want a divorce?

Pep

Now you are asking the right questions!!! Not pointing fingers at your husband (although he could be all that you are saying). But looking at yourself, and asking "how do I not let someone else treat me thsi way?" Great question!

The answer is rather simple...though not easy! It is...dont let him treat you that way! if he smarts off with some abusive tone or language, then simply say "I am your wife and that is inappropriate. When you are ready to treat me like I deserve to be treated, then come back and talk to me. Until then, this conversation is over."

We only are treated the way we let others treat us. So, dont let him treat you this way.

Sure, it will be hard!! But you must demand respect!

In His arms.

You potty mouth, you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Edited to add: p.s. Shaden, that was an excellent post! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

your question is one way to deal with it.

Setting boundaries is about determing what you are willing to accept in your life... AND COMMUNICATING THEM.

If he treats you with such little respect, one way to solve it is to divorce, however, I would think that there are several steps which can be taken first without throwing away your M.

Does he know how you feel? And I mean in depth... truly how this is hurting you. Or is a letter from a lawyer going to come as a complete shock to him?

Shaden

by owning your own decisions to stay where you are ~~~> in harms way

if you stay with a man who you know will continue to abuse you ... then OWN that decision by being HONEST with yourself... "I am staying because it is what feels most comfortable for me, even tho I know it is an UNhealthy decision on my part."

OWN yourself

when you do THAT

you begin to DISown his opinion of you ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

and the "bwhaaaaa" was because you verbalized what every child tries on their parent ~~~> "He made me hit him." .... yeah, right <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Pep

...you mean the part where I mentioned your "sharp intellect"? I have no idea where that came from. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Shaden

NW

I'm a little puzzled. The title of this thread poses a question that seems fairly simplistic. If you want a divorce, the words 'I am unhappy and I intend to divorce you' seem quite straightforward. Why is important to be sensitive to your H, if he is as gross and insensitive as you describe? Are there any other reasons requiring caution in your approach, such as violence?

Your weight gain may well have come about as an indirect consequence of depression, but the brutal fact is that your H did not open your mouth and push the food in. By blaming your H, you hand him power over your actions which he does not actually possess. What other posters are pointing out is that you have a huge reservoir of power - in YOURSELF - which you are choosing to ignore. Imagine if your H called you a hippo, when you were in fact steadily losing weight through your own self-discipline! You could be a size 8, and he would probably still call you names - what would you do if he called you a stick-insect? His name-calling and insults are HIS problem - you do not have to accept his vision of you.

I wonder if your initial question is really - 'How do I get my H to respect me?' The answer to that is also rather simple - you must start by respecting yourself. If you allow your H's view of you to be your own, you will remain forever in a state of dependency and weakness.

If you intend to leave him, line up your getaway plan, make your arrangements, tell him your decision, and leave. (I'm assuming there are no children involved here - is that right?) If you actually want to fix your marriage, then get yourself into IC and work on your own self-respect and self-belief.

TA

let me hazzard a guess... tell me where I have gone wrong here ...

1. you are a "giver"

2. you "sacrifice" your own needs in order to please those around you

3. without other-validation, you don't have a sense of self

4. whenever you feel that emptiness of "self", you eat

how am I doing so far?

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

and just to shine a light on your H for a sec .... you said:



he is not a man who likes himself... so why would he like you ?

seriously !

he's wallowing in self-loathing ... so don't get in that pool with him !

Pep

How right you are, Pep. He has perhaps the lowest self-esteem I have ever seen in a person. (For no apparent reason, since as far as I know he had a good childhood without abuse or major trauma.)

I don't know if I want a divorce. I felt pretty sure this morning but keep swinging back and forth. I can't make up my mind!

Ok, I hear what you all are saying about the weight thing... maybe this is more accurate--I blame him for being cruel to me without provocation, for him trying to break me (which is what it feels like he's doing). I blame him for calling me names which causes me to feel worthless. I haven't done anything to him to make him be so cruel to me. Like you say, he needs to own that and I know he won't! He is very good at making it seem like it's other people and not him.

This is what happens with my eating--I wake up every morning thinking, "I'll eat healthy today because I deserve it and want to be healthy for myself. I'll really do it this time!"

Then lunchtime comes around, and I think to myself--"Screw it. I deserve to have a little pleasure today. I deserve to treat myself and eat something that tastes good." So I end up eating fried things and chocolate!

for you

eating = conflict avoidance

NW, I was a compulsive eater until I changed my diet and eliminated things that CAUSED blood sugar spikes. Start eating in a way that regulates your blood sugar and you won't feel as hungry. Until I did that, I was obsessed with food and yo-yoed in and out of the kitchen all night.

If you stay away from junk food and eat enough to satiate your hunger: good fats, protein and low glycemic carbs, you won't be so obsessed with food.

Are you addicted to sweets? Do you eat breakfast? WHAT do you eat for breakfast?

Sounds like some good stuff has happened on this thread while I was gone. (small smile.)

Here's my take on several things, FWIW:

First, I think NW has committed the classic act of asking one question when she really wants to ask something different entirely. (NW?) In reality, the question is...my life is really not good right now, and my M is ripe for an A. Any help?

Second, I thought it was "snippy" for the very first bit of feedback to be a comment regarding her weight. Not going to page back, but basically, it read like this to me...

NW: I think it's time to divorce my H. Any advice?
Advice: Are you still fat?

IMVHO ***THAT*** was incredibly cruel to a new poster. If we take that approach with everyone, God help us. Those of us who are on the fat side are already really sensitive to this, especially if our H's have cut us off from SF for no other reason.

Then, NW immediately reacts and says, "Yes, I'm fat, but it's not my fault!!" In a more settled moment, when not under attack, us [censored] don't actually BLAME our H's for the weight...we blame the fact that we've allowed this to happen to ourselves and allowed ourselves to be abused. In fact, NW just did that...explained herself in much greater detail so we could understand her situation better.

To add insult, when NW is still smarting from the first mean jab, Pep comes back with a one-two "How dare you blame anyone but yourself for being a fat slob...get over yourself." (I know this isn't exactly how it was said, but I certainly took it that way.)

In that context, I think we're lucky NW even bothered to respond at all. For a normally level headed woman to go off on someone like that, I think she really felt a nasty sting here.

Again, JMHO, but I think we all still have some 2x4's in our hands from the suzet and kiwi threads, and didn't give the post by NW the right amount of respect.

I firmly believe that you seasoned vets have some great stuff to say, but those first few exchanges were pretty thoughtless. It's almost like saying: You're too ugly and fat to deserve our attention. To folks who aren't heavy, you can't understand how much that can hurt. Please try to be more sensitive.


Ok, enough about that.


Now, since I'm so good at handing out advice, but terrible at taking it...


NW, first, I'd suggest you change your thread name. I don't think you need to move it to another forum. Heck, if we can talk about American Idol on this forum, you sure as heck can talk about your sitch. Just change the threadname to reflect your TRUE question.

Next, I'd suggest not working on your H yet. You sound pretty hurt and damaged, and need to essentially plan A to yourself for a while. Treat yourself better. (Not talking about what you eat or when you exercise---that will come when you feel better about yourself.) Find some positive affirmations, and repeat the things you value about yourself.

I feel I've made a lot of progress by trying not to beat myself up so much. While I'm still overweight, I've lost a good bit, and can run 3 miles and bike 15 miles, which is a lot better than some of my skinny friends. Not everything is about that scale. You've let this go on for a long time, just like me, and it won't be easy to get out of that rut. I'll try to keep an eye on you, and maybe learn a few things in the process myself.

Ok, now you MB vets can cut and paste my stuff and start attacking me instead....I'm used to it.

Are you sure there is no abuse or trauma? I know plenty of men who had good family lives, but kept secret the trauma of sexual abuse they suffered from a family member, a neighbor, a coach, or a stranger.

imanotherone, I think you are reading way too much into it and are ascribing your own feelings to others. I am just amazed that you would call any post on this thread "thoughtless," much less "mean." [except the "[censored] you" which you somehow missed] There is nothing "mean" about pointing out when someone is blameshifting. But, I realize we all have different sensitivity levels and this is your own personal issue to deal with.

In the meantime, we have moved on to more productive issues and I hope you can too.

I just needed to get that off my chest. I may be off base with my read, and since we're not in the same room, we cannot ever tell who is being deliberately hurtful.

Yes, I totally agree we all have different sensitivities about different things.

Totally agree...let's move on.

For the record, I think you and Pep and WAT give a lot VERY good advice, and I don't mean for a minute to discount any of that.

ML- Just curious, you said you used to be a drinker, too, right? Did quitting the sauce contribute to your weight loss? Speaking as someone who probably carries an extra 30 lbs, probably all red-wine related!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Can folks join AA instead of weight watchers? (AA is cheaper!)