Hi Suzet*,

Of course there are. My STBXW firmly stated that OM was her soulmate. She also wishes she had met him before she met me. Guess what? I wish she had also.

As for "feelings of love" versus "active love" on part of WW towards OM, of course WW acts on those feelings of love. According to Shirley Glass, the typical WW first falls in love with OM which love makes SF possible.

My STBXW can still find no fault with OM after 4.5 years. I have accepted that they are soulmates.

BTW, I exposed the A for all it was worth. STBXW felt "betrayed" by exposure. This still cracks me up to be honest.

I also agree that most WW will harbor warm feelings for OM for the rest of their lives. The BigK even quoted Harley on this.

And, sorry Mrs. W for the t/j, but I normally agree with my friend Stanley 99% of the time but this has gone too far.

Stanley, of course the SEC is the strongest conference in college football. The ACC? Now really Stanley! They don't even play football in the ACC...

Todd, are you missing the "F" in FWS...that isn't someone who stops having an affair...someone who owns it. Your STBXW doesn't appear to be FWS...

You call her what she is, WW...

Not FWW...

If you could, then would she be STBXW?

LA

Mrs. W:

Your points are well taken, but I detect too much of a histrionic style in your words as well as some hyperbole.

I have to say this once again: I do not want to expose the affair to anyone. My reasons are many:

1. My children would be destroyed.

2. Myrta would rather die than face her children, her family, and my mother.

3. Myrta’s mom is fragile and has been in and out of the hospital. She is the kind of woman that tends to be emotional and in the past this has lead to bouts of pulmonary edema (heart failure).

4. And lastly my pride (whether false or real).

The affair ended on d-day and I had to do nothing to precipitate the end. On d-day I told my wife I was a goner-------the marriage was over. That very same day Myrta dismissed OM like an old rag. OM is not a threat to the marriage. I am 100% certain Myrta would never go back to the OM. She would have to be insane------it is not going to happen.

OM is a threat because he can out Myrta to her parents and rest of the family. There is implicit blackmail in his actions. He has copies of the affair e-mails and in the past has put strange emphasis on the possession of the e-mails.

I trust that Myrta will evade OM during the rest of her stay and we have discussed a plan of action. She will stay with my mom instead of at my mother in law. She informed her family that OM is not a good person and the family is prepared to dismiss OM if he shows up. She basically told them she was friendly with OM because he was an old class mate and that OM apparently misunderstood her friendship.

OM showed up at the house again and Myrta got away. I think OM is getting the message. Perhaps OM was under the illusion that I had Myrta under hermetic 24 hour surveillance and that is why he was unable to communicate with her for nearly two years. Even though my wife was soft in the dismissal of OM there is a possibility OM may have gotten the message. Myrta has kept me informed every step of the way and I trust she will do the right thing. OM is not a threat to the marriage.


Bob:

The only advice I ever gave you that was not well received was that about eliminating resentment for the FWW.

Pep:

About your stinger.

Unfortunately OM met my daughters when my wife flew home for a special occasion. The issue of OM IMing my kids was stopped immediately. This was an effort of OM to get close, but he gave this up as soon as I wrote him an e-mail about this.

Myrta talked to the police and was advised that a RO was difficult because OM is out of state. Nevertheless, the threat of RO regarding my daughters worked. However, the same threat did not work regarding Myrta’s family back home. There is no law in the planet that can prevent OM from outing Myrta.

Stanley,

I haven't posted to you before, but I have been following your thread.


Want to know why this doesn't make any sense to me? Well, it's because the affair WILL become known if/when Myrta finally leaves for the OM...whether he's psycho or not!

Your pride will not keep you warm in your old age, Stanley.

Where is your pride in PROTECTING your family ? Looks to me like it's in the gutter.

I am glad that you put a stop to OM IMing your daughters. Still, if he is psychotic, he may likely find some other way to get to them if he ever gives up on Myrta.

You know, Stanley, a man SHOULD have a little pride, but it should be pride in doing the right thing...not in whether other people perceive him as a cuckhold. A MAN does whatever is necessary to PROTECT his family.

Instead, you are leaving Myrta unprotected and expect HER to do YOUR job of protecting your family from the person that you seem to think she will always be in love with. She is like a hen in the henhouse, and you are leaving the door open for the fox!

The right thing, Stanley, is to make sure this scumbag leaves your family alone!

So, you are hanging onto your pride and fear of other people finding out that your wife had an affair. What are you going to do when the OM finally gets to Myrta...if he hasn't already? How are you going to keep people from finding out that you are getting a divorce because your wife had/is having an affair?

Your wife having an affair does not make you less than a real man, Stanley.

But, I gotta say this: IMO, a REAL man would not care what others thought about him. A REAL man would PROTECT his family, ESPECIALLY from an OM who is psychotic or whatever! He would cut off any access to his wife or family...PERIOD!

Your marriage is still in serious danger, and you REFUSE to lift a finger to protect it because of your ego.

That is so sad.

Lady Clueless:



When I discovered the affair I immediately offered my wife a divorce and I stated I would use some other excuse other than adultery to spare my children of the pain of infidelity. I am a very private person and I do not want this issue to be made public.

The affair is over, so exposure in the context of trying to end an affair is clearly moot.

My wife will never elope with OM. Leaving me for OM is an impossibility. However, if she wanted to leave, I would still keep her affair a secret. I would never expose the affair as a means to get my wife back. If it comes to that I will let her go. I cannot fight for a woman that does not want the marriage. I would simply walk away from such a scenario.

Furthermore, exposing at this time would seem like making my wife pay the price-----punishment. It would look as if though I want to make sure she suffers the consequences. I have no desire to do that just as I never had a desire to have a retaliatory affair.





I sometimes wonder if OM will go postal or whether he will turn out to be like the woman in the movie “Fatal Attraction”. My wife Myrta went to the police, but there is not much we can do because most of what OM has done is to become a friend of the family of my wife. That is not a crime and to put a RO in place we would have to divulge to my wife’s family why we need the RO. I guess this is where we take our chances. If one day OM puts a bullet in my skull in an effort to gain the love of my wife there is not a whole lot I can do.

Don’t get me wrong. One of my favorite fantasies is to kill OM. However, I am a law abiding citizen. I am also certain OM dreams about killing me, no doubt.






My daughters are safe, I am 100% certain of that. However. OM remains obsessed with my wife. I can petition for a RO, but OM is more than 2500 miles away. OM stalking activity is basically becoming a friend of my wife’s family. For example my mother in law already thinks OM is a great man. This guy has already charmed my mom in law.



Not sure what you mean by that? If you are referring to romantic feelings developing in Myrta there is not much I can do about that. I worked very hard for over two years to overcome the affair and I gave it my best shot.

If you think OM will harm my wife then I could be guilty for allowing her to go home by herself---------I agree.


My wife’s family is by definition also my family---------you are correct. However, to do so would require revelation of the affair. MY wife and I POJA that and we will not expose.



Like I said, this is a moot point. My wife is not choosing OM now or ever. I am not worried about that.


Tell that to Bob Pure.



I cannot disagree. I even proposed to my wife that she could tell her family about OM if we could find a way to keep our children out of this. However, Myrta wants secrecy.



I disagree, my marriage is not in danger. OM is not a threat to the marriage (see above). He may go mad one day, but that is one of the byproducts of infidelity and scorned OP.

Hi LA,

Valid point concerning FWW vs. WW.

To answer your question, if WW had become FWW within a reasonable period of time, I would still be home doing everything possible to rebuild my marriage.

Thank you.

I believe you, Todd...and in you.

LA

Stanley,

Okay, for argument's sake, let's say I accept your decision not to expose your W. Over and done with. Now, how can I, and others on this forum, be of assistance to you and your W? What other subject matter could we attempt to help you with? There's been so much discussion about your unwillingness to expose, that I believe we've lost sight of your original needs. Do tell....

KJ

The thread was started by Mrs. W and had nothing to do with the stalking activities of OM. Then, my wife had to fly on an emergency basis to our hometown because her mother was ill. It was then that OM caught my wife by surprise when she answered the phone for her mother (that was in bed and had just left the hospital). Unfortunately contact was made, but not initiated by my wife. I suppose OM knew my wife would fly in once he learned my mom in law was sick in the hospital.

I was mostly venting my frustration because my wife feels she must handle the situation with white gloves. Otherwise OM will spill the beans.

If OM goes postal we are in trouble----I agree.

Stanley,



Forgive me if I'm misunderstanding this, but aren't you choosing to handle this thing with white gloves too? What are you going to do once OM spills the beans? I feel so bad for your wife, she must feel threatened by OM 24/7. What a horrible way to live. Is she sure it's better to live this way, rather than live through exposure?

Just some thoughts. Hang tough.

KJ

There has been a methodical infiltration of my wife's family over more than two years. OM has also asked my mom in law for new phone numbers of my wife, but the mother in law was instructed not to give the numbers away. Mom in law is now realizing that OM may be obsessed with my wife, but she thinks this is just an intense old HS friend that has the wrong idea about my wife.

I was also wrong about why Myrta did not give a sharp final “NO, GO TO ******” answer to OM when he caught her on the phone. My wife feels threatened by the possibility of revelation of the affair.

I even considered tracking down OM and putting my fist on his nose, but this would simply mean revelation of the affair. I also pray for OM’s death on a regular basis----I am sure God understands why I do this.


Yes, we live in fear and hopefully this will go away one day.

So all this talk about FWS's ALWAYS having feelings for the OP's is more a projection of YOU still having "feelings" for him.

Stanley's feelings for OM = F E A R (probably lots of anger too, anger at having to FEAR him exposing as well as stalking his in-laws).

OM is getting the desired result. It's working for him more than just disappearing. Render him powerless, somehow.

Mr. Wondering

Stanley

A large difference between you and I: after we had such a similar horrible experience. After all we have been through you live cowering in fear and vain hope. I live victoriously fearing nothing on Gods earth. I became a knight, Stanley, no longer a cringing serf.

Am I a better man than you ? In no way ! You are a phone call away from ALSO fearing nothing and removing every inhibitor to a long and happy recovered marriage. And don't gibve me any cr4p about the prideful hispanic family honour - Squids family is high caste Madrasi indian. Try THAT for a culture of overwhelming pride and snobbery !

You know that the A will be exposed at some point don't you ? Certainly ?

Why would a noble man like you choose to cower in fear at the feet of this scumbag ?

NOBODY important thinks badly of me or Squid who knows about her affair. Some stupid cackling GFs think its exciting gossip, sure, but all the REAL people are in AWE of our marriage now.

Either you expose on your terms or OM does on his. The power the man has in your life is power you give him.

All blessings

One more thing:

This bizarre behavior by OM has a positive byproduct.

My wife Myrta is now 100% certain OM is not a very good person.

If OM had acted with respect and in an honorable manner following d-day my wife would probably see OM in a different light.

In a sense, I am glad OM fulfilled all my predictions regarding stalking behavior. When OM 1st contacted my mother in law Myrta thought he was just being a nice guy that wanted to help an old lady.

Stanley,

Is the former OM aware of your fear of exposure? Do you think he understands how much power he has over you two?

I hope not. Especially if he is an anti-social personality.

If he does know how much you don't want exposure, you can expect him to eventually try to use that as leverage against you. My husband's OW did that. In her case, it was a monetary reward that she wanted. And she got it.

What price do you think he is eventually going to try to extract from you or your wife for his silence?

TruBluz

Mrs W:

I never had fear of losing to OM.

You say you affaired down-----my wife did too; maybe even more. Fear of OM is not a factor. However, I worry about inflicting pain to my children. I worry about seeing my wife pay the price in front of kids.

And lastly I have false pride----------I freely admit that. My view on infidelity was that it had to end in divorce-------nothing less was satisfactory.

Bob:

My pride would never allow me to fight for my marriage if my wife was not willing to fix the marriage. If she had decided to continue the affair after d-day I could not have done a thing-----I would have given up. In fact, past d-day I wanted very badly to end the marriage.

I have a great deal of admiration for those like you and others that courageously saved their marriages even though WW wanted out. It takes a special man to do that.

However, within the framework of rebuilding the marriage I worked very hard. Initially I struggled with the concept of resentment and even preached against the evil of harboring resentment. I thought I had conquered resentment forever and then out of the blue had a recurrence at the two-year anniversary.

I suspect that OM will eventually spill the beans. He does not strike me as a gentleman. The reason he has not done so is that he seems to use this threat as a cover to his actions. OM also knows the implicit blackmail of his actions. However, OM’s behavior has done a masterful job in extinguishing whatever some FWW’s feel for OM for the rest of their lives. Myrta assures me that the contact did absolutely nothing for her. In fact she now feels the terror of stalking. Maybe I was wrong-----maybe some FWWs learn to dislike OM as a person.

We never talk to OM and if we did we would not discuss that issue. I don't want to put ideas in his head. However, I suspect OM may have a clue. But, maybe he does not-----he tends to act as a very foggy character. My MC is certain OM has antisocial personality and I know these folks have no conscience. I don’t think this guy has the capacity to feel remorse.

Stanley
Squid doesn't want out now. There are many reasons why a spouse might want 'out' the primiary one being that it reinforces the self delusion that the affair is a 'love affair' not a self medication of an esteem issue.

After all if they are 'soulmates' they can give up everything for each other. To quit the affair easily is to admit it was wrong, not love, not 'soulmates' and in fact just a sordid , nasty adventure.

This was Squid. She told me only today that she LOVED feeling 'in love' but is sure she never actually loved OM. This backs up what Shirley Glass says about the reaons people have affairs. The 'in love' sensation is VERY convincing and is also addictive. But the 'love' is for how the OP makes them feel, not the OP themselves.

OM is fvcking with your heads. And you are letting him, fearing him. What a waste of the passion you and Myrta have.

Bob, I fully agree with you. The romantic sensation is addicting and the folks involved feel like teenagers. It is a wonderful escape mechanism that all of us would like to enjoy. One could say--------who can blame them! However, not everyone in the planet is capable of developing full-blown fog. And not everybody has such a strong need for validation from external sources.

Myrta’s OM shows that the quality of OP is really a moot point in an affair. I also agree with the concept that it must be very hard to accept that one has fvcked up so badly. Bob, I almost never use the F word, but I had to use it this time.

Stanley,

You made a convincing case that a FWW will always harbor warm and fuzzy love feelings for OM. However, when it comes to Myrta, you seem to dismiss this as a possibility citing the fact that Myrta dropped OM on DD.

Why is Myrta immune from the FWW tendency to remain in love with OM?