Over the course of the last four months I have read everything I could get my hands on about adulterous affairs. Among the best materials are Dr. Frank Pittman’s Private Lies, Dr. Shirley Glass’ Not Just Friends, and all the books by Dr. Willard Harley. I have tried to synthesize the best of these explanations of the pathology of an affair.

There are many different types of affairs, but this post will deal with the “romantic” type. In this type of affair, the wandering spouse (WS) has crossed a boundary and “fallen in love” with an affair partner (OP, other person). What makes this affair so difficult to deal with is that it is emotionally driven. The “in love” state is often so powerful that the WS may be willing to sacrifice the marriage and just about everything else to pursue it.

You have probably heard about or known a teenager who has been told that the person they are dating and in love with is using him or her or is demonstrably bad for them. Have you ever seen such a person take anyone’s advice and stop seeing this lover? It’s rare, because one’s emotions corrupt any attempt at clear thinking. This is what happens in romantic affairs. It is a powerful fantasy relationship in which the partners may idealize each other and bond in a way that makes everything else in their lives seem insignificant by comparison. If your spouse is engaged in a romantic affair and agrees to break it off, you are extremely lucky.

What can you do when you discover that your spouse is engaged in a romantic affair? Well, according to Pittman:

“I advise spouse’s who are waiting for their mate’s romance to end: don’t try to out-romance a romantic. Don’t bother to arouse jealousy. Don’t try to get your partner’s attention, increase your partner’s guilt, or threaten some kind of unpleasantness. Just express your point of view and then go off and do whatever holds you together during this time.”

Glass offers no solution to the WS who refuses to stop the affair.

Only Dr. Harley offers a plan for dealing with a spouse who is unwilling to stop the affair (see Plan A and Plan B on the MB website). But even Dr. Harley acknowledges that affairs of this nature are extremely difficult to break. Most will have to “burn out,” that is, they run their course until the romance fades and reality intrudes to destroy the fantasy. Unfortunately, this very often doesn’t happen until a lengthy separation occurs, or in some cases, after a divorce.

Here are some things to consider:

1. The affair is not your fault. No matter what the state of the marriage prior to the affair, no one forces the WS to have the affair, and having the affair is clearly not a solution to marital problems.

2. It is a myth that affairs don’t occur in good marriages. People in good marriages have affairs all the time. You probably know someone who loves their wife or husband and claims to have a good marriage, but still can’t turn down an opportunity for a sexual encounter with someone else. This is especially true of philandering men.

3. Don’t take the affair personally. This is not a rejection of you; this is simply a bad choice by your partner who most likely tried to hide the affair from you because they didn’t want to lose you.

4. The OP is not necessarily more attractive or sexier than the betrayed spouse (BS). Most of the time the affair partner is no better in bed than the BS, it’s just that the intense emotional involvement makes it seem so, especially for women. Also, the OP is often chosen more for his/her incompatibility with the WS than for any similarities; the greater the differences, the more intense the relationship.

5. Not all affairs result in divorce. Most statistics indicate that, of couples who seek counseling for having marital problems due to an affair, between 80 and 85% reconcile. In Pittman’s experience, most of the couples who divorced after an affair did so because of the steadfast refusal of the WS to stop the affair.

6. Nearly all affairs end, usually within two years or less. Even when the affairees marry each other, only 25% of them are still together after 5 years. Pittman found that five years after the revelation of an affair, most WSs were back with their marriage partner.

7. In romantic affairs, it is usually a waste of time to try to talk the WS into stopping the affair, working on the marriage, or getting counseling. But it won’t hurt to try once or twice when you first uncover the affair. Don’t expect the WS be sensible or practical.

8. Although it goes against Dr. Harley’s advice, it may be a bad idea to assume responsibility for marital problems at the time of discovery of a romantic affair. That’s because the WS is looking for justification for the affair and by assuming responsibility for any marital problems, real or imagined, you are inadvertently giving your spouse an excuse for his/her actions. No attempt to solve marital problems will work while the affair continues. Stop the affair first, then talk about marital problems and their solution.

9. Don’t beg for a second chance or promise to change in an attempt to persuade your WS to stop the affair or prevent separation or divorce. This doesn’t work. Don’t allow what love your WS has for you to be turned into pity. Keep a bold front, even if it is only a façade and you are crumbling inside.

10. It is the WS who most often files for divorce. Interestingly, there is almost always a point when the WS makes an attempt to return to the BS, even after the divorce occurs.

11. Don’t be surprised if your WS claims all sorts of marital problems that you had no idea existed. The creation and/or gross exaggeration of marital problems is part of the process of transferring guilt of the affair to you or the marriage. It is an attempt to rationalize what cannot be excused.

12. If your WS has had multiple romantic affairs, it may be that they are in love with the idea of being in love. These people are very often not suitable for marriage and will bounce from relationship to relationship until their dying day. You may want to bail out of this marriage or be prepared to spend a lot of money on a psychiatrist.

13. Although you may be desirous of saving your marriage, it is best to prepare for the worst. Seek legal advice about your possible divorce and custody issues. Do whatever is necessary to prevent the WS from destroying your financial resources along with your marriage.

For those of you looking for quick and easy solutions, there are none. Dr. Harley recommends exposure as a method of accelerating the demise of an affair, but generally speaking, there are three possible outcomes even if you follow Dr. Harley’s Plan A/B:

A. The affair continues, a divorce ensues, and the affairees live together happily ever after. (This is very rare.)

B. The affair continues for a time after discovery, the affairees eventually break up, but either the WS or BS or both refuse to reconcile. (The probability of this occurring seems to be directly proportional to the length of the affair.)

C. The affair continues for a time after discovery, the affairees eventually break up, the WS and BS reconcile. (The probability of this occurring seems to be inversely proportional to the length of the affair.)

I hope this helps some of you who arrive daily on this forum. There are a lot of good folks here offering fine advice, most of them, like me, from firsthand experience. My own case seems to be headed for divorce despite my efforts, but perhaps your luck will be better.

Great post! Be sure to include it in Longhorn's post for newbies on the Just Found Out forum.

Thanks for sharing it.

Thanks. It seems as though the best remedy for the pain of dealing with my wife's affair is in trying to help someone else get through their own suffering.

Thanks Hiker for your post. It was great!

I too am headed for D. Filed last month.

WH shows no remorse whatsoever. How could he? He still hasn't admitted A to me. Says they are "just friends" even though they are living together! He seems happy. I think he will fall into your category A.

Some days I just want to get the D over with, and other days I wonder what have I done by filing? Is it the right thing to do for the kids sake?

Family and friends have told me I'd be a total fool to take him back after all the he** he's put me and the kids through. They are probably right, but as sick as it is, I still love him.

I must be CRAZY!!!

Catgirl,

You're not crazy. We don't stop loving someone just because they do us wrong. Letting go of our love for a spouse can be a long and painful process. In my experience, the only time you ever fully get over losing the person you love is when you find someone else.

Still, it's best to take the time to heal on your own, work on improving yourself, seeking and finding peace and happiness within yourself, and coming to grips with the possibility of having to spend your life alone, all the while hoping someday to find someone with which you can share your life.

I understand how you feel. There are days when I wish that I never had to see or hear from my wife ever again, and there are days when I miss her love so badly I can barely stifle my tears.

Incidentally, Dr. Shirley Glass does a fine job of explaining why a WS would choose loving the OP over the BS. A romantic affair is a Stage I love relationship. In Stage I, the participants share an idealized love. They project all the best traits they desire in a lover on the other person and this fantasy evokes strong emotions which drive the affair. On the other hand, your relationship with your spouse has settled into Stage II conditions. Stage II is a much more mature love that is reality-based. In Stage II you know and are aware of your spouse's faults but you love them anyway.

Wandering spouses are comparing their Stage I affair with their Stage II marriage and are letting their emotions override any reason or practical considerations. Of course, Stage I cannot be sustained. Reality eventually destroys the fantasy, which is why almost all affairs burn out even without outside interference.

hiker

i'm not sure if your post made me feel better or worse..i guess reality is just that......some of each

i'm not sure my H affair is ever going to end

I dont think my WH A will ever end either.

People are telling me it won't last, OW is 17 yrs. younger, but it seems like he's happy and welcomes our upcoming D.

Wish I knew what his plans were!

catgirl,

how long has his affair been going on and how long have you been separated?

my H says he is happy, is over our relationship, and has moved on with his life...he would hca filed for divorce already if he could afford to!

Not quite sure how long the PA has been going on. I'd say about 6-7 months. Now that they are living together, it is a full blown PA. Before it was sneaky, get it when they could. No more hiding it anymore. The whole A (EA), started I believe, last fall.

We've been separated 3 months. I filed last month.

Honestly my WH never said he was hpapy or not. Did mention to my DD though, that he was. I don't even want to ask. As I said, he still tells me they are "just friends", but come on, they are living together and sleeping together. Does he think I'm that dumb!!!???

I really had a hard time filing. Never wanted my kids to go through it all and be a statistic. He just lied to me for months and months that at the time I felt it waa the right thing to do. He has yet to show remorse. Guess he can't if he won't even admit the A!

Some days I think I did the right thing, other days I wish I would have waited and maybe he would have come around. Too many questions...

....did you plan A?

Yeah, I think I did a pretty good plan A. Thought it was working, but then I found out that WH moved OW in with him. So guess it didn't work after all.

I exposed to everyone I knew. No impact.

Hi to you all,

I don't post here much anymore but do lurk from time to time.

I was very interested in this post as my husband fell in love with the OW and has lived with her for some months now.

There seems no end to their affair,from what I here from other people, as myself and the children are in plan B.

I do wonder though how the researchers come up with these statistics because I am no longer convinced that most affairs end.

My divorce will be final in a couple of weeks and my STBXH has never shown any remorse or ever hinted that he has done the wrong thing.

I am past the stage of ever wanting him back, I have a new life now and have very tentatively started dating but do wonder if anyones WS affairs have ended say after one or two years and then they have wanted to return.

I haven't seen much of that on the MB's site unless I am missing it, could anyone give me their opinion as I would be really interested.

miffy1

miffy

i wonder the same things since my H has lived with OW for just over a year! i'm waiting to read the responses that you get

Me too!

I don't believe the A's die out as everyone says. I've heard the fantasy will end, reality will set in etc. Doesn't seem like that's happening for WH and OW. The've been living together now for 3 mos. He won't even admit the A, so how can he show remorse?!

It seems like WH's A will never end!

i fear that reality HAS set in and they are now living as we did...like man and wife sharing everyday responsibilities and joys

and they are still happy

truth be told...this is probably my greatest fear right now because i have so hoped that when reality set in...one of them would realize they had made a mistake and end the affair

oh...and it helps a bunch that just today on another site like this most everyone told me that if my H has been gone this long...he's never coming back....i'm having a major set back from that

Eav and Cat,

I,too,lurk on other sites and this is why I now doubt the validity of these studies.

I have yet to find anyone who's WH has embarked on a romantic affair and then returned to the marriage partner.

I would love to be proved wrong so if anyone can I would love to hear from them.

eav & catgirl,

I must confess that I am not intimately familiar with the details of your situations.However, is there any part of this drama that you have inadvertently played, such as giving your WS the idea that regardless of their actions, you will be there forever?

A three legged stool is absolutely the strongest and enduring of all chairs. Make sure that you are not one of the legs.

cymanca

THAT is a definite YES from me

I can't say for sure if he's living in fantasy or reality, but the A doesn't seem to be over.

I know there are tons of people here on this site that have had A's and went back to their M. Just wish I could say my WH was one of them, and hope he realizes that he made a mistake before the D is final.

That is my hope.

Plus WH is too proud to admit he ever did anything wrong. So that could very well be keeping him from returning to M. His pride. He's perfect in his eyes. Never makes a mistake.