Catgirl,

My STBXH is exactly the same,he will never admit he has made a mistake so I have prepared myself for a life without him.

I have no idea what else to do.

Cymanca,

I have to say probably not. I always told him from the beginning of our M, that if he ever had an A, it would be over. I put up with his lies, sneaking etc. for months, thinking they were only friends. When I did find out it was sexual, that did it for me. Guess I didn't want to be made a fool anymore.

Guess that was a mistake I made.

my H and i did attempt reconciliation when i first discovered the affair

we worked hard on reconciliation for 8 months....he wrote me beautiful poems about how much he loved me and why he did, he bought me cards, flowers, and gifts...and he was as kind, caring and wonderful as anyone could want....

however, he just wanted me to forgive and forget...and i was trying! there were good and bad moments and i wish i had known how to deal with things better but i was dealing with things the way i now know everyone does...he seemed to think that i hated him though and would never forgive him

he said he couldn't live with that and started contacting OW again....after he left, he talked about reconciling for a year but each time we talked he came back to saying that he couldn't live with me knwing what he did...that he believed i would never love him again like i did or forgive him completely...he said it would be easier to move on and start over with someone else than it would be to live with someone who hated him

he said when he looks in my eyes it's like a mirror and all he can see is the pain that he put in my heart and he can't live with that

i don't think he believes it's possible for us to have a good, or better marraige so he won't even try

but maybe i'm wrong and he just doesn't want it

catgirl,

What BS's say and what BS's do are often complete opposites.

When is the last contact you had from WS either directly or indirectly? Did you say or do ANYTHING that conveyed the message that you are happy and going on with your life? And have you been portraying this independence for more than a day, a week, or a month?

" Guess that was a mistake I made"

That seems to imply that you are willing to be seen as a fool. C'mon, you have more self pride than that.

i have been in plan B for awhile...but continued e-mail contact

at Jennifer Harley's advice, i made several guestures to help him (she called it "putting out the hand") to show that i would be willing and able to start again....and of course my plan b letter said this

but about 2 months ago....after some hateful, hurtful messages and e-mails from both him and OW i had all my numbers changed

and last week i followed through on his request to have him removed from my health insurance

at this point...i'm also considering a move to another state...back to our "home" state but have not had any responses yet to the job inquiries i made just last week

there's nothing more i can do to give the message that i'm moving on

he lives and hour away, doesn't see or talk to me or anyone i know (including family)...so he has absolutey no idea if i'm even dead or alive

as if he would even care

Eav,
That is exactly why I think WS will never come back. Even though he hasn't admitted it to me, I'm sure he knows how much he's hurt me and the kids. I don't think he could ever live with me again knowing that he thinks I would hate him and never forgive him.

He never liked to deal with things in life. I'm sure he too thinks it's just easier for all, that he move on. Easier for him, as he won't have to admit what he did!

I had contact wiith WH the other day via email. It was realted to the kids. I was cordial. Didn't really say I was happy of was moving on. Told him I had errands to run etc., but that was it.

When he does come here to take the kids, I always look good and tell him I am going out while he has the kids. Even if I'm not. I want him to think I have a life!

I find it hard to be in plan B while going through a D. What's the point? In his eyes it's over.

eav,

Sounds like positive and prudent steps that you are taking for your future. I applaud any efforts that reinforce the fact that we are 100% responsible for our lives and especially who is a part of our lives.

How much calmer is your life knowing that YOU control who and when anyone contacts you?????

catgirl

i don't really know your situation but i wonder...have you asked others here if it is too soon for you to have filed for divorce? was your plan A long enough? Did you plan B for awhile WITHOUT filing for D at the same time?

catgirl,

You are absolutely correct that if your WS wants out, there is nothing that you can do to change him.

Quite contrary, when in Plan D , Plan B is as easy as breathing. It should take hardly any effort at all on your part. Please reread what the stated goals of a Plan B are.

You sound beaten up and depressed with a good dash of self pity. We have all been there. That is what MB is all about.
When you feel like 2 lbs of cr#p in a one pound bag, come here. Do your reading and then go out and start your living again.

No one, and I mean no one, is attracted to a person that gives off the vibes that most BS's and their clothes reek of.

Eav,
Yeah I probably filed too soon. Guess I just had enough emotionally that I wanted to end the pain. I guess I could withdraw the petition, but H appears happy that D is going through. I would look like a total fool to withdraw the petition. Guess I have some pride left.

I really didn't do a solid plan B. I filed D first. That was a mistake, I now know.

Cym,
I know Plan B is to try and get OW to meet all of WH's needs and eventually try to reconcile, but if WH knows I filed, why would he even try to reconcile? Waht kind of PBL would I send? He'd laugh at it! Say it was too late. Should have thought of it before I filed.

i would still withdraw the filing if you do not really want to end your marriage...who cares what he thinks about it!

it just seems early for that decison and it sounds as though you are willing to reconcile

cat,


Oh my,my,my. You are understanding a smidgen of what Plan B 's objectives are. The MAIN purpose of Plan B is to give the BS back their life. If that includes the WS, then that will be by the sole choice of the BS.

The WS may laugh at you(BWGASA), but he will darn well have to respect the fact that you are taking charge of your own life. If you do not want to D, vacate your filing. If he asks smirkingly why? tell him that you refuse to do his dirty work for him. He says he wants the OW, he says he needs the OW , he says he is a soulmate to the OW, then have HIM do what it takes to accomplish his "dreams".

Some days I am willing to reconcile, other days I'm not.


The question is, does he want to? I doubt it. I haven't asked him outright. Guess I don't want him to think I'm an idiot for now asking this after I filed. You are right, I shouldn't care what he thinks, but I do. When I do see him, I try and show him I am very strong and know what I want in my life. This would show me as a waffler.

I gave him many chances to talk to me about the A, to end the A, etc. He didn't. So that tells me he wants to D.

He told me when he moved out that it was a trial sep. Well the trial sep. ended up with him moving OW in. So I think he was just hanging me on to see if it worked out with her or not.

cat

it's still early in this situation......he's not ready YET

Hiker,

Thanks for the post. You have helped many who come here willing to learn.

Keep up the good work.....excellent post!

Mahalo,
L.

Yeah, I 've heard people tell me this is just a fling for him, a MLC, it won't last, he doesn't know what he wants, etc. etc. He seems pretty confident when we talk though. He could have asked me to withdraw the D, if he really wanted me. I think he wants her.

cat & eav,

Have you read

Hope for Couples in Crisis

i've had the book "love must be tough" out from the library for 20 renewals! i just tried to renew it this weekend and they said i had to return it cause i had reached to max time....

i read it but i didn't "get it" intime i guess

Outstanding link... Thank you. Good to have some faith-based truth from another site.
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sbmmal