Detach....more and more....DON'T GIVE IN TO HIS ATTEMPTS TO MANIPULATE YOU!! He is not your H right now.....and from the sounds of it, he took an "idiot pill" during his A. He WILL someday regret all of this....especially when he sees you moving on!! For Pete's sake....he was getting jealous over a "pizza girl"??????

IMO, he would have a VERY HIGH threshold to come back.....and you deserve every ounce of a MAN to put in the work needed to nurture a healthy relationship. Your WH is not that person right now!! Rid yourself in every way possible, of this alien!! Heal yourself.....for yourself....he'll come crawling back one day....then YOU set the conditions....by maintaining the newfound value in yourself that YOU WILL find!!!

Lots of hugs.....Caren!!

MWIL

Did I mention that I got the girls a kitten?? I've been fighting it.....I didn't really want a pet (aside from the toads), but it's made them so happy. And I think they need a little happiness in this messed up life of ours.

She's a calico, she's 8 weeks old, the previous owner was calling her callie, but we decided today to name her Elektra (not after the movie) but the greek name. It's was either that of Persephone....and well that's just too big a name for such a little kitty.

They love her to pieces,and she sleeps with my DD11, which makes her VERY happy.

It's another step in me moving on, I didn't want to get a cat,because our cat Baby (which Mark has custody of) is not very fond of other felines, so I thought, well we may move back in together, and that wouldn't be good.............done thinking that now.

God Bless,


-Caren

Well, it's 3:14 a.m. and Elektra decidedto wake me up by attacking my butt.....that was ummmm interesting to say the least. I sleep in my underwear....which are thongs,and a t-shirt and so my butt must have come uncovered, and next thing I know I have 4 cat claws in it.

I'd like to go back to the pool today, but I don't think I have the funds for that, and we're also all pretty burnt...more sun would probably be bad.

How can I possibly wake up @ 3 a.m. an bored?? I need mental help.

I think they'll be done with my car today, so I can go pick that up.

Maybe I'll clean the house real well, it needs it. I've sorta been neglecting it since this new series of blows to my ego happened, time to straighten up and fly right.

God Bless,

-Caren

Arrrrrrrrrrrgh I tried to go back to sleep....so no avail. I need to go back to the doc and get back on my sleeping meds for thses sleepless nights.

I went down and tried to do some laundry, but ended up turning it off because the spin cycle sounds like their's helicopter landing on my roof...LOL

OH well, guess I'll surf the net see what's goin on.

God Bless,

-Caren

Well, it's morning again.............and I'm REALLY thinking about Mark.

The kids are all asleep, so it's not like I can take off and go somewhere right now.

I had a dream about him last night, I don't recall exactly what it was about, but I woke up with a start.

Mimi....someone....how do you deal*correction* How DID you deal with these days?????

God Bless,

-Caren

Hopefully you got some sleep!! During my "bad" days, I focused on anything and everything dealing with me or my kids. It is NOT easy, but when you start doing that everytime you have a "thought" of him, and you feel a little better...it will snowball!! I would usually take a nice long walk, listening to some AC/DC or Van Halen....certainly not music that would make me think of my WW at the time!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Or just think of an imaginary man....one who would fill all your EN's......have an affair in your own mind (just keep your thongs on) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> !!!! Anything to get the mind off the alien!!!

MWIL

((((Caren))))

I recall Plan B as being extremely difficult and painful..particularly during the beginning days...

I agree with MWIL's suggestions..it's all about your MINDSET..shaking thoughts of him out of your mind..sometimes I would literally shake my head..I would pretend as if my WH did not exist...

Once in the mindset I would DO SOMETHING positive and/or constructive for my new life..I listened to relaxing sort of New Age music..Kevin Kern..got into different FLAVORS of shower gel..Cleaned House..and cleaned house...all times of the day..sometimes in the middle of the night..organized shelves...joined a FREE reading group at B&N...and on and on..

I prayed and Read Scriptures..PSALMS and EPHESIANS were my favorites..also reading any words straight from Jesus made me feel that HE was speaking to me..HE was with me in my midnight hours..when no one else was there and I called out to HIM, I felt HIS personal touch...

Basically, everything worked some of the time, nothing worked all of the time...

The good news is that it helps you understand WITHDRAWAL..because that's what's up..WITHDRAWAL from your WH...

Take it one day..one hour..one minute at the time...

Be still and know that He is GOD..it is all in HIS HANDS now...Say to yourself: "The Lord is my Shepherd..I shall not want...He prepares a table for me in the presence of my enemies"...You see?

Edited to add: I see where you say, " I miss my H"...REMEMBER: The Mark out there now IS NOT YOUR HUSBAND...He IS AN ALIEN...you are awaiting your H'S RETURN to CIVILIZATION....

Caren,

I know the feelings you are going thru. Let me take a stab at this.

One of the reasons you are having so much trouble is that you have no plan, outside of Mark. all of your plans have to do with having him "stew," or getting him to wake up. Thus, you wait and watch for him to change and/or come to his senses. And you wonder why you cant sleep, why your situation has not changed much.

So, here's the deal. Plan B is for you...not Mark. It has NOTHING to do with him. In Plan B, you plan and execute that plan. You look to the future, see where you want to be, plan how to get there...and then do those things to get there.

So, without mentioning Mark once...I want you to list what your plan is. Where will you be in 5 years...in 10 years? What will that look like? What will it take to get there? How will you accomplish those tasks to get there? Map it out!

One caution here...do not argue for your limitations, okay? What I mean is that I dont want to hear that you dont have enough money, time, etc. There is ALWAYS a way. it might take time, it might take a whole lot of effort. But, please do not argue for yoru limitations.

You see, you should come up with the plan...then submit it to the Lord. Then step forward on faith. Where He wants you to go, He will open doors. Where He doesnt...He will erect walls. All you have to do is put one foot in front of the other...keep from walkign into walls...and look for the doors. And the doors are there, Caren!!

Once you do this...you will find yourself so busy in following the Lord, that you will not have time to miss Mark. You will be living your life.

The last few weeks, I have been busy with my court stuff. Thus, this crap has been thrust straight into my life. I lost sleep. I didnt get much done. But with it out of the way now, I can concentrate on everythign else. And I am so busy now, I find myself really NOT thinking about my wife much.

See what I mean?

So, what is your plan?

Standing in His Presence

That's My Mortarman!!!

He was another main lifesaver for me during PLAN B!!

One of God's Angels here on Earth...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Feels good to get back in the hunt again, I must say!

Standing in His Presence

It's so hard to think that way, when I've been doing this so long.

I would like to file bankruptcy, and start getting MY credit back in order. I would like to find a great paying job with good benefits and room for advancement.

I would like to own my own house. I'm 38 and never owned a house.

I would like to see my kids grow up and go to college and make something much better for themselves.

I would like to be married, not necessarily to WH, that remains to be seen, to a God fearing man who loves me as Christ loves the church.

I would like to have my trust in people back. I tend not to trust people anymore.

I would like to for once not live paycheck to paycheck.

************************************************************

By the way, I haven't been sitting around pining.......this is just a particularly bad day, I have been out doing EVERYTHING I can think of to get away from this house and forget about my problems.

Maybe I'll clean the house really well today, and then tonight take the kids to the drive in movies <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm trying......I really am..........I just have a panic disorder, so mornings are bad for me.

God Bless,

-Caren


P.S. The "stewing" comment was that I KNOW my husband and he will start flipping out and he will be STEWING in what he's done.................he chucked his family for the seedy OW

P.S.S - by the way. I have plans Friday night to go out to dinner with a friend and Saturday night with another set of friends..............I'm trying.

We know that you are TRYING, Caren.

I think you are doing GREAT!!!

Heck, I used to PANIC lots of time during each of the PLANS and I don't even consider myself as having a PANIC DISORDER!!

What you are dealing with..what most of us have dealt with on this forum is a MAJOR LIFE TRAUMA...true for both BSes and WSes..

And THIS is exactly the problem, Caren!! You have hit it right on the head. You are wiating for Mark to make your life right. He cannot do that, Caren. You are goign to have to do it. Dont wake up at 50, and realize that you wasted the next decade. You have the OPPORTUNITY right NOW to do somethign about the rest of your life.


You will find that job when you find what you WANT to do! you have to do what you love, not what will pay. The pay will come alongside of it. It cant be what motivates you. No one is successful because they pursue a paycheck. They are successful because they pursue their passion...and the paycheck is just one of the perks. So, what is it you want to do???? dont argue for your limitations here. Just state what you want to do.


And you will...if you pursue your plan.


And they will. Especially if their Mom shows them how to make somethign of herself, even in the face of adversity. Caren, they ARE watching! And most likely, they will follow your example. What will they have learned?


While I know you want this, you cannot work towards this. God will take care of bringing this person into your life. Even if that is Mark. But, this isnt a goal you can work towards right now.


You dont trust people because you dont fully trust the Lord. Admit it. I felt the same. If you take this journey with Him that I am talking about, then you will see your trust in Him become strong. And people will have less of a chance to affect you when they let you down. And people will always let you down at some point or another!


Then pursue your passion. Pursue a career that you love. Once you do, the finances will fall into place!


Aaahhh...but that is escaping. Which is just as bad as pinning! While getting out is good, I again think you would be best served coming up with a plan on how to move forward. With clear goals you can attain. Dont say you want to solve world hunger. Start with goals, that lead to your big goals. These small goals should be easily attainable. Let these little goals build on top of each other as you move forward toward your big goals. Understand? And as you attain these small goals, your confidence will increase. And with mroe confidence, will come more success.


Small goals for sure. And that should be fun! But I am more interested in you listing the big goals (like career, house, etc) and then list the smaller goals that get you there. Then list how and when you will attain those small goals. This is how you build a life!


I know you are trying. But you have to try smarter, not harder. Dont argue for your limitations. Get a plan. Map it out. Stick to it. Trust the Lord. That's it.


Not your problem...and not a part of your plan. Forget about this, unless and until he comes to his senses. until then, time to plan and to move.


Very good! And you should have this social life! But, as I said, I havent read where you have a plan on the future. And how you will attain it.

Standing in His Presence

Two years of this BS is why you can't sleep.

MB plans may help you get by, but they're crisis management. Your situation has you in a protracted state of uncertainty that has become a lifestyle. Very unhealthy. Also for your kids.

You need to establish what you've lost, grieve for it, and move ahead. One way or another all this flakiness and uncertainty has to end. Your health depends on it. You gotta say enough already. Two years of this abuse is too long.

Define the outcomes you can imagine living with. Is one of them a half-a$$ed reconciliation with H, the OW still slinking around a stone's throw from H's workplace? Did your latest PBL (!) leave that possibility open?

Imagine the outcome of divorcing, possibly relocating, and actually getting a chance to heal.

Whatever, I'm not trying to sell you on divorce. But it's been two years. Enough already. Choose a path. Invite your H, but take it with or without him.

Caren, write a choose-your-own-adventure book. Fill it with options you can live with. Then get rolling.

GC

May I make some suggestions Car?

I'm 38 too. We've had 3 houses...but still. The Wookie screwed our credit into the ground...literally. Last December, we lost our last house...and I'd lost my job. We had NOTHING - not even $ for Christmas....I wasn't certain at that point if the Wookie was sticking around or not.

Today we are MORE THAN HALFWAY out of debt....in 7 short months.... [color:"red"] that's right 7 months! [/color]! We are talking a boat load of debt. TONS of debt.

How'd we do it?

You're gonna snort at me. I know...if I'd heard it, I would have snorted at me too....

It's so simple really.

We gave it to God and made a plan.

Our plan is WRITTEN DOWN AND POSTED ON THE FRIDGE.

On it are our short term and long term goals.

Long term:
Get custody of the babies
Get out of debt
Decide where we want to live for the rest of forever (or till God changes our minds/hearts)
Buy a house
Buy 1 more car or a motorcycle (because we only have 1 car)

Short term
Bunk beds for the boys and girls rooms
Full dresser for the girls room
Full dresser and chest of drawers for the boys room
John's B-day

We buy NOTHING on credit right now. We only have 1 cell - and it's a Cricket. We rolled our cable and phone service into one bill - long distance calls are no longer billed. We scaled back our cable to basic (b/c I WILL NOT live without the History Channel or the Food Network). We got rid of 1 vehicle...the one that the car payment was KILLING us with. We moved to apartments that pay utilities....and the Wookie is their onsite Police Officer after hours - which gives us a discount off of rent. He works any part times that he can, and I bargin shop and clip coupons. I PLAN our meals out so I know exactly what to buy.

Also, in correlation with THE PLAN if something comes up that would interfere with THE PLAN we take it down, decide if it's worth it and add it to it or decide if we need to sacrifice something on the plan for it.

Things gained that used to be on THE (short term) PLAN are bookcases, an end table and an entertainment center.

We refuse to impulse buy anymore. In order to save ourselves from impulse buying we don't window shop or go to malls, Wal Mart Lowes or Home Depot unless we have something specific to purchase in mind (like last week's chonie shopping...which was BUDGETED for).

Every bill, every out of pocket expense is noted and we know EXACTLY when/what pay period it's going to get paid in...up till it gets paid off.

Now, for you, the first things on your list should be job and gaining child support. After that, you can add/subtract from your plan as you pray on it and as your needs change.

God doesn't want you to be in debt. You know this. He WILL reward you for working to relieve your debt. I know this. You will too. I pinky promise.


One more thing about THE PLAN...once you have your goals set down in writing, it's SO MUCH EASIER to see and to prioritize what needs to be taken care of first. We were throwing bits of money here and there and hoping to stave off the jackels...and it wasn't getting ANYTHING taken care of....it wasn't affecting any bottom line....and subsequently we were staying mired in one place. We throw money at NOTHING now. Nothing is that urgent that we can't sit down and decide where each .01 will do the most good for us.

Like I said, I would've snorted at the simplicty of it all before...but it's WORKING...and it's WORKING far quicker than we thought it would!

- Kimmy

Now THAT is a plan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Caren, this is what I was talking about. Thanks Kimmy!

Standing in His Presence

Sorry I haven't been on in a few days. Tuesday about 2:30 in the morning someone smashed my back window of my aparment in and tried to break in (No it wasn't WH, I called right after I called 911 and he was home).

So needless to say I was rattled and in panic attack mode, the window was Totally shattered on the bottom, and the police officer (I think since I was so upset) said it was probably a kid with a bb gun.....well bb guns don't completely shatter double pane windows.

Mark text messaged me the other day to tell me that it was over with OW. I didn't respond. He said she changed her cell number and her home number and never wanted to talk to him again.

I, unbeknownst to him, checked it out, and it's true.

My car is now fixed and my Dad gave me a little money for groceries since the foodstamp thing hasn't come through yet, and I stopped in the card aisle and got a card for the OW.

It was one by Maya Angelou and it said something about how much you can affect someone elses life by a little thing you do, and on the inside it said "thank you"

I wrote it there "OW, thank you for giving my family a chance to survive." Caren Mc and I went and put it in her door.

My dad insisted on giving me a .22 pistol to keep at the house now. I don't like guns, but I don't feel remotely safe here anymore, so I took it. (It's put up so the kids can't get to it until I can get a locking case or something for it.

I'm mentally exhausted. I went outside today and cleaned up all the glass and stuff off the back porch.

I'm thinking of breaking my lease here....I think this is a good enough reason to let me out of it....that and the drug dealers at the end of my building and the fact the police are here every other day.

I have an appointment with legal aide on August Wednesday August 2nd. I'm going to talk to the attorney, or whoever you talk to the first time, and weigh my options, but I'm now leaning more towards divorce. I think I've put in my time.

I don't know what he could possibly do that could make this better. I don't think he's willing to.

I'm not going to talk to him still...........what would I even say.

God Bless,

-Caren

Caren,

Sorry to hear about the break-in. I know that is unnerving! Stay safe.

I wanted to address your last post. I understand the feelings you are having now. Almost like you dont care about which way he goes. And while it is depressing, it is also good. How?

Because if we can just get you to start planning your life, then you will stop obsessing n Mark. And things will get better. And you will have less stress. And you'll be in a better house. And you will take better care of yourself. And so on.

Either way Mark goes, you have to do these things. So, I am still waiting on that plan Caren. One that you carefully plan out, list out. The big things...and all the little things that lead to the big things. Then get out the calendar and start blocking out days/weeks/months to get these things done.

So, you gonna wallow in this mess? You gonna major in the minors, and concentrate on getting a new place, and divorce, etc. Or are you going to finally concentrate on the big stuff?

Standing in His Presence

Caren,

I think I have posted to you in the past, but probably in the beginning..as I think you have posted to me as well.

First, I am sorry about the break-in...I am alone with my children also and its so hard to feel like you can close your eyes and just go to sleep.

I must say in alot of ways our situation is similar, particulary in the fact that the SITUATION has continued far to long. Three and half years ago, my life as I knew was forever altered and myself as a person would never be the same. The nightmare that had become my life, the thoughts that constantly (and still to this day) run thru my head, would literally paralyze me. Caren I am sure I am not telling you anything you dont know and feel already...but I do have a point.

Listen to Mortarman!!! He is 100% correct. Start with a plan. Maybe short term to start. Thats what I did and my short term plans and goals are achieved and have helped me and my family so much. I was a stay at home mom and helping run our business when D-Day hit. I felt trapped and everything financially rested on him and we almost lost everything. As you can see, it resulted in me having to file Chapter 13 bankruptcy. My short term goal at this point was to find employment.

Long story short..I went back into the legal profession almost at entry level in March 2005 and by April 2006, I had been promoted to Litigation Manager and a nice hefty raise.

Next goal was to alleviate my family of the financial burden of creditors and bankruptcy trustee payments.
Caren, you say you want to own a house..well I sold my house to free myself and family of that financial burden.

And yes Caren, I still have a WH who may or may not have a OW at the time, but remains uncommitted therefore he still is a WH. It was difficult to set goals and achieve them while going thru what I went thru, but I must admit, everytime I did achieve something I set out to do, it has always felt wonderful and had made me a stronger person for the next goal.

Start out small and develop a plan..it does wonders!!!

(((((((((CAREN))))))))))


L

Mortar-

I know you want these things from me.........and I do want them for myself, but I'm so freaked out right now, I'm making my apartment a fortress. Today I cleaned up all the glass from the back porch, washed it off. The privacy fence was falling apart......one of the boards had actually fallen off, so my neighbor came over today and put the boards back up with screws, I put a lock on the gate, made sure the porch light was working.

There is so much crap going on in the complex I feel like running away. My daughter actually saw some people going into the woods beside the house with a baggie, a spoon and a lighter. The people that live at the end of my building sell drugs.

The police are here every other day!!!!!!!!! I won't even let the kids out of the house now unless I'm out there.

So I guess the first thing on my list is to get a temporary job for now......gotta pay the rent/utilities.

I will work on more later......it's getting late and DD11 is afraid to go to sleep without me.

God Bless,

-Caren

P.S. A little off topic, but what do you think about the card I left??