**The book I'm referring to isn't spoken of as a book that directly deals with infidelity. However there may be tips in it useful in an effort to restore a marriage.**

The title in my post is a book written by Dr Laura, the radio host. It gives her view of how women should take care of their husbands. I listened to the audio book and it actually is talking to wives who often find themselves unhappy in their marriage and wanting more. It addresses many of the negative influences that have contributed to the break down of marital relationships and thus the family that have to do with guess who? Women.

I thought, "Crud, another women save the world, be a good girl, do everyhting right type of thing, Good grief isn't there something in this freakin' world that women aren't responsible for!" Needless to say, I was hot at the title of the book but decided to take a look inside.

Much to my surprise the book wasn't what I thought although initially she seems to be steering that way. As I got into listening to the book I realized that Dr Laura made a' many
a good points that got me to thinking over my persepctive and focus. The book actually takes a load off.

She explains some of the counfusion that women have in expecting certain things from men that they may not be able to give because they see things differently. She tries to get us, ladies hipped to understanding and accepting that we may be stepping over our hubbies boundaries by trying to make them see things this way or that or in my case by trying to control them.

I'm relieved that she helps to break down where the misconception in male and female perspective may be, so we don't upset our pretty little heads all the time about everything that we think needs straightening with our husbands.

Dr Laura, feels that we are actually the ones that hold the ticket to making a marriage happy provided that our husband aren't abusive, narcisist (please excuse if misspelled) womanizing types, affair having and lingering-in types. And even in some situations of infidelity, she feels that a wife may be able to help a husband who has been in affairs come around.

She talks about beliefs and idealisms of the feminist movement that seem to steer women of today toward believing that they can do without the man and that men are disposable. She addresses how we think we want to be independent of our men when we really should be learning how to love our men in an interdependent sort of relationship, I guess you could say.

She addresses the cloudliness that wives often have about how their husband are to make them happy and understanding him as a he-man accepting him as such and understanding the women as the she-man and not attempting to change the role of either. She addresses how men and women interact deal differently with discussing matters.

I must say I have in times past gotten in trouble in my marriage because of the things that I felt that my husband had to do and how he had to see things my way and the attitude of entitlement and wanting to correct him and so on and so on.

I feel that she does a wee bit of woman bashing but the empowerment that she speaks of to women is far more helpful than the small bit of negative things that she attributes to women. And furthmore on these issues one can choose to eat the fish and throw out the bone, so to speak.

To be honest, I've been on MB for a while. My attitude about my husband and my marriage has been negative. I was stuck in the rut of trying to make my H do this and that for me. I've gotten into LBing because I felt I had to correct him for this and that. I felt I couldn't accept him for who he was and saw him as wrong on most things. How in the world did I think I could fall in love with him again if I felt he was so wrong as an individual?

There has been a lot of confusion in my mind of what I really wanted from him. I put so much strain on myself trying to make him be as I thought he should be. And of course at times I thought I was hiding how I felt but could tell in the often unhappy frowns and frustration in his face that my motive and thoughts were quite transparent.

Anyway this book is one that I felt I had to sit back and do some introspection about to see if it really made sense to me. If you've read it, I'd like to know what you think about it.

Just a note, the book isn't perfect. There are some things that to me, are extreme. However those things are far less important than the positive things that Dr Laura mentions that are worth considering, for me that is.

Another point I forgot to mention. Dr Laura also talks about how a woman's roles change when they become mothers. She talks about how we forget about making ourselves attractive for our husbands and wanting them sexually (and showing it) and initiating and being a "girl" for him. I find the latter part particularly important. When my H was in the affairs with other women one of the things I read in his email with them is that they seemeed like boyfriend and girlfriend.

I had become my H's mother. I have always been the mothering type. But when my H had affaris on me I felt I had to become his mother to the fourth power. I felt he had done me so wrong. He was wrong and needed correcting. So I attempted to correct him in everything and in every way. I was never happy with him.

Part of that was my wanting to make him pay for what he did and the other part was my trying to control things so he didn't hurt me again. I'm not at all saying he was right (to cheat on me) or that I was wrong. However I'm saying that there were some things that I didn't really consider. I began reconsidering how I felt about taking on this role and letting go of it.

bump

I read this book, and then loaned it to my BF. We both agreed that we wished all unhappily married women would read this book.

The problem is that most "unhappily married women" would not want to read a book with this title!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

liz8520,
I know what you mean by the title. Dr Laura is a stickler for being very like, um formal and strict sounding. The title turned me off initially. Especially since I was dealing with Infidelity and wounds that are slowly being healed. I could've cared less about the proper care of anything for my H until reading it. But as I said above I still wanted to look inside. After being stuck in a rut in my marriage for like months now, I felt what the heck let me look in it anyway.

Did you find some of her info helpful to you personally?

liz8520,


Quote:The problem is that most "unhappily married women" would not want to read a book with this title!!

Although my STBXW said she read SAA, after briefly discussing the book it was obvious that she had not. Later she admitted to reading Dr Laura's book. I was stunned to say the least. I never expected her to read anything with a title like that. She even quoted the passage about the mistake many women make in divorce as they try to get a new set of pants in the house but forget that the same skirt still resides there.

Apparently she felt the book was addressed to all the other women out there and not directed at her.

I LOVE that book. I think it would be good reading for married women and women THINKING about getting married.

Me too! I thought the title was cute and funny, emphasizing in a humorous way that men are not complicated.

I started reading it this winter but stopped bc my WH started reading it, mind you he won't read the tons of books on M (like His Needs Her Needs), affairs, John Gotham (sp?) so I stopped reading it. Boy, I showed him!! I thought, why should I spend time figuring out how to be a better partner when he won't read anything...I guess we were doing what Dr. Phil calls score-keeping.

I need to go get it again from the library bc the only person I can change in the relationship is me! I love that quote about the same skirt...very true, I keep telling myself to own my own 'stuff!

nabohio,
I can relate to where you are coming from. In the hands of one who is only interested in pointing out what their partner isn't doing especially if it is a husband it can be a weapon. Dr Laura doesn't cut us girls any slack. Yet I think she has some real good things to say. Wish she was a little more kind to us,lol.

this book pointed out

TO ME

some of my OWN lazy habits that I had developed

when relating to my husband

at first I was "No ~~~ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> ~~~ way!"

then I was "Way ~~~ <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> ~~~"

and after implementing some necessary changes in my attitude

I became "Waaaaaay !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />"

....... I have found that , if I recommend this book to a woman who is filled with anger and resentment ... she gets mad at ME for recommending a book ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> This is particularly true of WW and FWW who cling to their rationalization that their affair was justified by their brutish husband ignoring her ENs. Not ever considering her H's ENs have been not only neglected but even UNdiscovered.

Pep

Laura S. wrote this book after viewing me in her crystal ball.

I kept asking myself: Does she know me? Does she live in my house somewhere?

I might as well have opened my front door and let the FOW come on in: "Here is my H..you can have him"....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

LOL. It is amazing how one can turn around with a little help, lol.


I agree Pepperband, so much about my H and men I hadn't discovered but learned some time later. I guess I was preoccupied with my own feelings moreso than what he thought and how he felt.


LoL, mimi. I have to say I was angry that she identified so much of the things that I was doing that weren't helping me relate to my H. Often times, I found it hard to admit that she was describing a good bit of my behavior. I was caught up in how she said it. Then I got caught up in looking over how she said it and weighed more importantly what she was saying that was relevant to me.