Hang in there hunny!

You can make it....

how is your energy level now-a-days?

feeling better?

Pep

Morning Pep!

(well at least it is AM here in W. PA.,,,)

My energy level is still a bit slow...at least by my standards, I am usually chasing my own tail, and going full steam ahead. I find myself "tired" these days, this is emotionally draining, on both parts.

We did start walking again last night, something we haven't done for about a month..so it felt good to get moving again...now we have to just keep moving!

Have to get some things accomplished at work this AM, I will post later..my head is swimming lately...and I need to get it out and down..maybe it will make sense to someone else, or help that "light" go on!

Hi 2crazy

The emotional stress is hard on the body I feel like I’ve been run over by a train.it will get better.

I like your new signature.

I don’t think you ever left your husband’s heart and soul, IMO, because my wife never left my heart, or my soul.

Tony.

Needing a "pep" talk this morning.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I find myself in a bit of a "funk" today...it has been 34 days of NC...and although most days the thought of the OM makes me seeth..(after all..he ran back to the "safety" of his real life when my H called and confronted him!)..but, today I find myself wondering how he is doing...his 50th birthday is this Sunday, and next weekend he will be at a "golf outing" we had made plans to be together at the resort...maybe it is because those "dates" are nearing, that I find myself thinking of him....I am doing all the things I should, like thinking of my H, my kids, my family & friends...trying to stay busy so as not to let him crowd my mind....maybe this is part of the process...those waves that come and go...the "test"....Although I have no intention of contacting him, I am bothered by the fact that he has crept back into my thoughts...

anyway...wondering if any of the FWW have any insight...or any "been theres" to help me through!

Thanks...

2Crazy,

He will creep back when you are down, or just shifting gears from time to time. Many years ago there was a discussion about triggers. It was lengthy but it offered some great insights for both the BS and the WS.

It seems us humans seem to think in quantum time units, days, weeks, YEARS. What was I doing last year? Is often considered. It was decided that the first year was often the worst for triggers because every day is a new day connected to a day in which the affair was going on, about to start or just ending. A year after the end, every day is connected to a day in recovery. The next year every day is connected to a year BEYOND recovery. And so it goes.

You are remembering anniversaries now with the OM. Next year you won't be. This seems to be true for both BS's and WS's. So hang in there, much of what you are going through is NORMAL.

May I make another suggestion, quit counting days. You are far enough along to start counting WEEKS (congratulations <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> ). So you will be counting months, and then it is years and who the heck counts years? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

You are just 1 month into NC, your are 4 weeks into NC, you are 34 days into NC. Soon it will be 2 months, 8 weeks, 60 days, and on it goes.

You are doing well, but my question to you is ARE YOU SMILING? IF not, get with it. You have more to smile about right now than you can possibly realize but you might as well start realizing it...NOW.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL

(((2Crazy)))

JL is exactly right... you are thinking about OM because you are feeling down. It took me a looong time to realize this.

I, like you, want nothing ever to do with OM but he still pops up in my head now and again. If any "feelings" surface with a thought, I know there is something wrong.

The last time it happened, my H was studying for finals and writing term papers. My best friend was out of town, and I wasn't speaking to my family. My need for conversation was going unfulfilled, so thoughts started drifting to OM (NOT wanting to see or talk to him, just thoughts... memories. I felt very depressed.) As soon as I realized this trigger, I asked H if he could make time to talk to me because I was feeling down. He did, and the thoughts of OM went away.

If things are going well with you, you wouldn't even think of OM's birthday, outings you planned, etc. I completely missed OM's birthday this year. When I realized one day that it had passed, I was absolutely thrilled. I hadn't even thought about it once that day, or for weeks after.

2Crazy, you are doing so well! I am proud of you. I am also proud of the advice you are giving other FWW here. You have grown so much, in such a short amount of time!

JL gives good advice when he tells you to smile... I know it is hard (it's difficult to pat yourself on the back after doing something so horrible... I've been there) but you are doing great.

How are you feeling this evening?

KM

SOS!

For as much as I have learned...I guess I am S-L-O-W to put it into practice...

We are getting through our days, talking about what is important, what we need to recover, and what the future can hold for us. ALL GOOD THINGS!

The one obstacle seems to be EXPOSURE to the OMW....I know..I know...I have read the many posts here and what Harley has to say about why we SHOULD....I know that she has a right to know that he has had this A...that something is missing in their marriage..that there are needs not being met....that she will help to enforce the NC...yadda yadda...I know both sides of the story ( from those are BS and those wo are WS)

I guess that I still feel the need to protect HIM...for some *dang* reason...I should hate that he gets to weasel out...that he can keep going on and not have any consequences....I know that my H seeks revenge....and seems to not be able to move past this....but I don't want him doing it for revenge...ultimately she will believe her H, he will worm & squirm & lie...that is what those of us in As do when exposed...and although I know that what she chooses to do with the information is her choice....I suppose in reality I still find it difficult to "betray" the OM....

Throughout this process, coming out of the "fog" and seeing my way clear has been in some ways about changing my mindset....seeing things differently...so what I am seeking here is advice or guidance from those who have been there...to help me change my view!!!!

Maybe I should re-read again...SAA....or post in the recovering section...or start all over????

Or get on a different ride!...'cause this ride is no fun right now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hi 2crazy-
I've been following your story, since your very first post was on one of my threads <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm really impressed with how far you've come in only a couple months!!

About exposure- I thought that is the responsibility of your husband? He should call the OM's wife, not you. Because if you do it then it's also "contact".

Does your husband want to do this?

insert

empathy

where you once placed

entitlement

........... don't react to this message .... until you've thought it over for a day

best of luck!

Pep

Hey 90...

Yes,I know that the exposure is something H needs to do to ensure NC, but he will usually ask me what he should do. He thinks that she should know so that she can decide if she wants to stay married to such a %@$#^ (insert any number of names!)however, he doesn't want to tell because he knows, first hand, the type of pain he will be inflicting on the OMW and their daughters (who are grown-2 still live at home).. I know that he also wants to EXPOSE to make OM's life miserable, to exact some pain & revenge...

The problem is that my husband's work takes him to the area where OM lives. H's company is doing work in the area, and so my H is subjected to working very near to OM's house. It is tearing my H apart to not bang on the front door!...so he normally calls me instead...and I talk him down!...(Not a good idea for him to do this on company time!)..

I remind of him the consequences of doing this on company time, and tell him if he feels absolutely compelled to tell OMW than do so with a phone call or some other means. BUT NOT ON COMPANY TIME!

So because my H tosses with this he will ask for my opinion..which is just as conflicted...so I normally plead the 5th and tell him that I can't make that decision. That although I know she has a right to know for a variety of reasons, I just can't, make the decision for him....

Anyway...I was wondering if anyone has rrecovered without this part of the process? Is it absolutely necessary ? Can we actually heal & recover if we do not take this step?

Thanks...and by the way..just in case Pep is reading this too.. I am thinking...(see I didn't respond-right away!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> *snort*

Hey 2crazy.

Do what you advised me to do, read your post, this is killing your husband, and it’s tearing you apart to, it will continue doing this as long as it’s in the air, bottom line
It is affecting your recovery; you need to tell OMW and move on, what she does with
The info is her going to be her choice, sometimes the truth hurts but the lies hurt more,
Do it today before tomorrow.
And let the chips fall in their places.

Tony

Post deleted by 2crazy

2crazy don't beat yourself up, you did not go back to square 1, you made a mistake, now don't respond to any contact, from OM, and keep moving ahead.
this is a very small setback you are learning, keep up
the good work.

(((((2crazy)))))

what will make you stop all contact?

in AA ... they talk about "low bottom drunks" ... meaning, the person who has to lose everything before they decide to climb up & out

PLEASE

don't be a "low bottom" WW

We've seen too many of them ... returning to this site ~after~ they have lost everything with any meaning to them ... and it's just too damn pathetic for words ...

don't do this to yourself

Pep

Morning All!

Life is good, we spend time everynight talking about what goes through our mind (good & bad)...sometimes we don't talk which is good as well, we just hold each other and in the silence I can feel his strength and love for me...it is amazing!

We have commited to our marriage and to making it stronger and better than before. I remember reading a post where someone said "Your old marriage is dead." So true...now is the time to make this marriage what we want..we have changed, our marriage has changed. Recovery is a work in progress. Some days you cruise along smoothly and other days the waves are rough!..

I am lucky to have a man who is strong enough to ride the rough waters, and who loves me enough to stay the course. I have discovered that what I was missing in my life was in front of me all along...

For the WS who may still read this or follow...know that the "road out" is hard...it hurts when you begin to see your A and the OM for the truth...the "cold hard facts" as they say...I can remembering thinking that "my relationship with the OM was sooo different"....he wasn't at all like that....well guess what..he was! it was! I was!...and in there lies the beginning of the healing and recovery!

Morning 2crazy.

I’m glad you are doing good, I felt you agony, and I feel your joy, the death of the old marriage was on my thread somewhere, keep up the good work, small steps forward from now on, try not to step back, and good luck, keep posting please, your story is inspiring,
You are a strong woman that saw the light through the fog, and kept going forward, you
Trusted yourself and got guidance from the wonderful people over here.

My wife did see the light 2 weeks ago, and for the first time in 3 years, I saw the woman I was fighting for, I enjoyed my wife for one week, then the A$$H01 called, then they met,
Now she is back in her fog.

Don’t let this happen to you 2crazy, please don’t.
I don’t know why your story moved me, and I feel close to you guys, but know that your husband adores you, and I’m glad you can feel his love.

Tony.

Thanks Tony,

Keep the faith...there were many times throughout this struggle where I battled back & forth between the OM & my H. Knowing the A needed to end..but not being able to actually break free… Last night while talking my H said he remembered that for a moment he thought he had really lost me...I replied that for a moment he almost did...but there was something holding me back from jumping off the ledge!...something made me stay...I know now that "something" was him...it was the fact that underneath all the ugliness there was still love. We needed to just find it again.

There is NC between me & the OM…however there has been contact between my H & the OM…my H has not yet exposed to the OMW, he is still battling that one out …the OM is of course calling and begging to be the one to tell her…wants it to come from him not someone else..(YEAH RIGHT!!!) anyway..for me…it is the fact that my H has been sure enough of where we are at the moment to share with me..the conversations he has had with the OM…as difficult as it was and sometimes still is to hear what he is saying..it also helps me to see the OM for what he is to me….NOTHING! that realization hits ya clearer than anything else!...

You say that she was “awake” for a week or so….hopefully she will CHOOSE to return to you completely!... and stay in the light!...keep the faith…take care of yourself!..

Thank you 2crazy.

I’m trying I just don’t think I have much fight left in me.

About your DH’s struggle to tell OMW.

I just had a thought abut that and this is only a suggestion.

Why don’t you take this cup away from him and you tell the OMW.

I know it’s hard but the outcome is better IMO, coming out of you it’s a major blow
For OM, this will make him realize that you don’t want anything to do with him,
And it will be a huge deposit in your DH’s love bank; you will feel great about yourself
And this matter will be out of the table so you 2 could move on and deal with all the other
Stuff you need to address.

What do you think?


Tony