Don't know what to really say but I am just going to
say what I have done and how I feel about it.

My Fiancé and I have been seeing each other for 2 yrs
now and for the last six months I have been living a
double life. I do love this woman with all my heart.
She is my soulmate. Thing is I guess that I am a
sexual deviant. I was "swinging" as a single male and
liked it very much.
Sex was really never a problem since we are both very
sexual and pretty open to exploring. Well that kind of
got me in trouble. I asked her if she would explore [color:"red"] [/color]
that with me and we did meet a couple and talked to
others but it wasn't for her. At that point I quit
talking about it to her and we went on with life. Only
thing is, I couldn't stay away from it. I wanted to
explore it deeper and I did. It was eating me up
inside, the guilt, the lies but it was like a
addictive drug. I knew it wasn't good for me and my
relationship but I would do it anyway. I am gone long
periods of time (8 months a year working and 4 months
home). Our sex life didn't really change but all the
baggage that I was carrying was killing me. I would
take it out on her. Well she got into my email and
found all of what has been going on for the last 6
months and it has devastated her.

As sick as it sounds I am very glad that she found it.
The truth has set me free, my health was being
affected with stomach problems and I had trouble
sleeping at night.

Anyway none of this had to do with love, it never did.
I have loved this woman from the beginning. It all had
to do with sex and the sexual thoughts that run
through my mind. You know I have always known that I
was very sexual and I liked it a little on the wild
side but my problem has caused great suffering and
pain to all involved, including family. I know she was
mad but she has told everyone, now if we stay together
everyone will think we are fools. For me, I don't care
because I love this woman and I want to make amends.
Will you guys help me gain some wisdom to help her
with this? Also what can we do to keep this from
happening again....

Thank you


BTW I know some are going to bash me for this and I
probably deserve it but I have fested up and willing
to do whatever is possible to make this better...

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm wondering why you want to get married, if you don't want a monogamous relationship?

so "whatever is possible" ... this means all suggestions are on the table, yes?

call Harleys for a pre-marital counseling session

Marriage is all about clear honest boundaries & protection & building a life together & weathering life's ups & downs

Don't live together ... date her exclusively for a year ~~~> without the swinging lifestyle ... see if you can hack it in a monogamous dating relationship for a year ....

Pep

You have raised a very good point, thing is I want to be in a monogamous relationship and I want it to be just her. I think that for the most part I have issues that I have to address about this. Just like a drug addict, I know it is wrong socially and morally but haven't been able to get it out of my mind fully. Surely if you have ever been addicted to something you can relate...

were you ever molested as a boy?

the only thing I can remember was my cousin tried when I was about 17...he felt me up but i beat him mercilessly

...at 14 my mother did give me very specific details about how to pleasure a woman...not sure if that is relevant at all...

Your mother certainly is interesting.

two other things that I have long forgot...
....I used to take a bath with a girl when I was 5 or 6....she was my moms friends daughter
..... and about the same time one of my sisters friends pulled up her shirt and I felt her breasts
...... she was probably 15 or 16
....seen people having sex too at that age... high school kids when mom and dad weren't there and my sisters were having a party

Do you think you need some personal counseling, so you can figure yourself out?

probably... but not just with anyone

.....someone who deals with nothing but this

WBF,

"Out of the Shadows" might be a good book to begin with...finding a counselor who deals with sexual addiction (SA) would be another step. We were blessed to find a pro-marriage counselor with this specialty...and he does premarital counseling, and individual (IC).

Reading Harley, to see how healthy relationships work, is a great compliment to finding out what is behind your addiction...and I would hazard, you are addicted to fantasy, not sex. SF is an emotional need...we take very twisty roads, circuitous and complex, to get those needs...and you are not bad or wrong...

Do you read fiction? "Until I Find You" by John Irving is another I would recommend.

You aren't alone and there are many people out there to help you, and here...look up AskMe for help...he posts a devotional every day here in the prayers section...

You can do this. You can free yourself from an addicts life...you can choose to live in freedom, responsibility and love...the three realities...when you realize that fantasy fails...and it can feel like you failing...all mixed in.

Welcome.

LA

Please read His Needs/Her Needs and Surviving an Affair. Both are by Dr Harley. These are basic books but will provide the platform for personal recovery.

As soon as possible, call Steve H @ MB. He can do phone counseling to help you get started and maybe recommend someone in your area. Or you can search out a good IC familar with MB principles.

Either way, healing yourself is critical as the 1st step. Then you will be able to show yourself as a valuable asset to your GF and the tendancies drawing you out into making bigger mistakes will go away.

take care,
L.

No matter how much counseling or work you do, in my limited understanding, there is no say "cure" for a sexual addiction. Like an Alcoholic, Drug Addict, Serial Cheater, Wayward Spouse to a specific OP, you will always remain vulnerable. It's part of who you are and you'll always need to be mindful of it.

First step in repairing your relationship with Ms. ...la has got to be getting a new job that does not require your absence from home. You MUST be home every night.

I listened to Dr. Harley on the radio recently discussing serial cheaters and indicated that they can acheive marital reconciliation but often the cost is too high. They must find a way to work with their spouse or with not a single member of the opposite sex. Maybe open up an ebay business out of the house. It is the ONLY way to restore trust and protect against their vulnerability.

Thus, if you truly value Ms. ...la, a job change and being home EVERY NIGHT is boundary/condition/step NUMERO UNO. Otherwise, let her go (or she should let you go) and work on yourself individually. JMHO

Mr. Wondering

I am curious about your handle "wannabfree." Is it that you want to be free of addiction or of your GF? WHat do you think the GF would say to your post? Has she read it? No matter how much you love your GF, it is not truly love unless you are willing to give her the choice of whether to stay or go by knowing the whole truth of the circumstance.

Another book you might want to look into is "Every Man's Battle" People can change, but it usually requires accountability and accepting responisbility for ones own actions. With addictions, this means mega behavior modification that starts in the mind. That means when you get these thoughts, first you must deny yourself the right to indulge in those thoughts. This usually requires finding a new way to think. This is very self-destructive behavior, and I'd say that some cousneling is better than no counseling, and I would not wait to find an "expert" on sexual addiction. Addiction or no addiction, your behavior is a choice. It is a choice stemming from your willingness to indulge deviant thought patterns and then go with the inticement.

Have you thought about exploring ministry resources? There are men's ministries in most larger cities, with pastor's familiar with sex addictions.

I have a similar situation. I was heavily into female domination. My wife indulged me but did not find it sexually appealing. Long story short, my therapist suggested that I masturbate about something else.

Now I am learning a more sensual approach to love making. I also mb about my WS. All the better for us when A ends and healing begins.

You owe her a huge heartfelt apology. If she is open, then hope is not lost.

No, my handle comes from wanting to be free of the addiction. I have no intention on leaving but will if I see that it is being to hard on her. I do love her enough to walk away if I see that I need to. Both of our parents know about this now as does my ex-wife and probably some others. I know she was hurt about all this but telling everyone that was close WILL cause us problems in the future. As far as getting another job, well that is pretty much out of the question. I happen to work in a country that is closed sexually so really I think that this job is the best for me and still be able to maintain an income that my family is used to. I know that sounds selfish but I have 3 children to support and family. I can't cut my income by one fourth by working at home. That just isn't realistic. I am willing to let LA put spysoftware on my computer and be accountable and available while I am off. I am also willing to seek professional help.

Oh something else... Yes LA has read my post, matter of fact she is the one who posted it after I wrote it. As far as her knowing everything, I have told her that she can ask and I will tell. No, I don't like it, no, I don't want to give her more hurt but if me telling all will help her then I have no problem telling.....You have no idea how much better I feel by doing that anyway... I don't want to keep this in any longer. One more thing, my problem or addiction isn't with single females at all, it all includes two males and a female. I have never had the problem of running around from one female to the other. If you read my orginal post you will see that isn't the problem. Yes I guess you could say that I am a serial cheater but it all stems from two males and a female. Never anything else... Love or the fanatasy of love wasn't involved. It was strictly sex. She will tell you herself that I told her in the beginning that I thought that I was sexually deviant and told her what I had been into and at the time she told me that there wasn't anything wrong with that. I guess you have to define "sexually deviant". Another thing that was never brought up was the fact that she would call for phone sex almost every night. Call me in the middle of my sleep because there is an 8 hour time difference here. I would talk dirty to her and about 10 minutes after that she would be falling asleep when I was talking about something other than sex and tell me night and that she loved me and off the phone she would go! Now how would that make you feel? What do you think that was doing to me? How do you think that affected me? I am not looking for excuses but you have to look at ALL the facts too. First I felt used with no regard for my situation and second I am in a middle eastern country working 60 days at a time and tortured for atleast 45 of those with sex talk and phone sex. Yes, I did ask for sexy picture and got a few over the last 2 yrs but the thing is that she is almost as deviant as me in a different ways... She has always told me that guys were sometimes offended, imtimadated and sometimes appalled by her behavior so maybe we both have a problem with this, not just me....

Something else that wasn't mentioned either is that I have previous trust issues also. My first wife left me for someone that she met on a chat line and I find out 5 months into j and mines relationship that she was still talking to the BF that she had previous to me. At first she denied it but then confessed. I don't have any reason to believe that she had anymore sexual relations with him but still had that emotional tie. She wanted to keep in touch with him as a "friend". That was my first time that mistrust was put into our relationship and it had always been in the back of my mind that she still talked to him from time to time.....

For the people who haven't figured it out yet, unsuspectingnla is the BF here. You can read her post to see the other side of it.

WBF,

Thank you for replying. I believe you are brave and with each post, you are proving to yourself you really do want to be free from the addiction, as well as fears and secrets.

I believe in you.

Did you feel I was attacking you in anyway in my post? When I said about serial cheater...that hit something, I think...and I was talking about fantasy cheating, as well...where we live in safe fantasies in our heads instead of relationships...reduce SF to a physical need, emotionally free (and it is an Emotional Need); where we find our admiration, appreciation, acceptance...fill our ENs within context, not freely, from ourselves.

Trusting ourselves...to come through, to be whole, through betrayal, even through feeling erased...that's where we build trust and then we will choose to trust others...in time.

You are doing well commiting to honest replies to her questions...and yes, she's an adult and can take her hurt; what she can't take are any more lies to save her from hurt...they hurt more.

You remember that. You remember your first marriage; you've experienced this, is what I hear you saying...don't back away from being honest because you fear hurting more...the acts already do...informing is kindness; honesty is charitable...an act of love...I know you can do that.

The formula for a wayward state of mind:

Entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect.

Can we talk about resentment?

Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

We create our own resentment...and it serves us...find out how it pays you...it is a false benefit and finding it helps you to live freely, in your own power...your choice to create, maintain or let it go...all yours.

Respect is knowing you are both separate and equal human beings...each whole, complete and marvelously made...capable humans...respect is very important. It is answering those questions without thinking "this will hurt her more, soften it up" because she can take the truth she's asking for...and respect yourself that you can give it, plainly, factually.

Respect is owning you have your feelings, thoughts and beliefs...you aren't the cause, control or cure of any other human being on the planet. You have influence, but others can limit your influence on them...and you demonstrated you limited hers on you by your choices.

Respect is knowing what isn't yours...anyone else's thoughts, feelings or beliefs...if they share, you can know; you are not responsible for curing another person's feelings; you are responsible for understanding your own. You can live respectfully by listening, repeating, acknowledging...knowing and being known (intimacy). You can live respectfully by knowing what you cannot control...

That's the basic formula to live a wayward-free life...and it goes to addictions (distractions), also.

Did you check out www.recoverynation.com?

You are doing this...by posting...you can change your entire life...I believe you want to...I don't know if Un wants to...I believe she loves you more than sugar...and that's saying a lot. Leave her choice of beliefs, perspectives, perception, and thoughts to her...be respectful and allow her to disclose her truths...this isn't about who's worse, more deviant or more saintly...

You're equal humans...and I believe, you're both ready to thrive.

What would you think of living without blame in your relationship? The only permissions are the ones you give yourself?

Anything appealing in what I've said?

LA

LovingAnyway,


Well it looks like my posts aren't being "productive" in my mates eyes. I have caught a lot of flack about bringing up old flames and the past in general. Now she is saying that she isn't going to post here because it is a he said/ she said thing now. Here I am trying to think out loud and write things that have not helped me in our relationship and she is saying, This is all about you, not me! Well if that is the truth then why do I bother? I have admitted to wrong doing. I have admitted that I have a problem. I am not blaming her for the things that I HAVE DONE! She sees this as a personal attack. I see it as getting everything in the open where it can be dealt with. She says that it is mud slinging and acusations. I say that it is not at all. It is a way for me to work out my thoughts and feelings. I don't have a right to say what intimadated me or made me feel less of a person her eyes? I am getting very mixed feelings from J and I don't know how to deal with it.

As far as your post Loving, You are right, it did hit something. I would say that god himself helped you write it. It does make sense and I think you brought up points that I can look at more closely and work on. Thank you very much....